ItolduIwastrouble Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I have already posted this in the om/ow section but wasn't sure if it should go here or there - sorry if you've read this twice!! O Kay - So I have a bit of a unique situation which is wrong on so many levels! I met this guy actually ran into him twice in one day - got his number as I refused to give mine. Decided to call a few days later - and eventually we hooked up. Here is where it gets good - firstly he is on house arrest - just recently out of prison for a crime we will not go into but he was in prison for over 10 yrs. I thought this was bad enough in itself and something I thought I was not interested in - however, we had unbelievable chemistry and thought that I could just take it casual. Then I got the next bomb shell. He is married. Apparently to a girl he grew up with who remained in touch with him while he was in prison. Once he got out they were married within 2 months. She however, lives out of state and visits once every couple of months. They have this agreement, supposedly, that until his papers are in and he transfers to her state that he can have casual relationships until he joins her. again in my optimism I even thought this could be okay. I am married myself but separated and didn't think I was ready for a new relationship. However, things have spiraled out of control. I have fallen in love with him. I think he has with me as well, he has said so once - but not again - and its not something I press. I have tried to break it off numerous times but get so upset when we are not speaking and inevitably fall right back into it. He has done the same and most recently said that he did not expect me to come into his life and that I have him weighing his options, but that yet in still he thinks he has gotten me into something that is unfair to me. That I should try to move on and be happy. but after saying this he strokes my face constantly looking in my eyes and sighs saying he doesn't know what he is going to do about me. Its an odd situation because we both try to break it off and neither one of us can seem to let go - but yet realistically I don't even know if I want him to leave his wife because I am going through my own things. What if I get him and don't really want him anymore? I think his marriage is based on many things - I am not saying he doesn't love her, but imagine being in prison for over 10 yrs coming out and your Mom is dead your estranged from your father living with distant relatives and here is this woman who has been visiting you, sending you money, has a home and a life to offer you. Its easy to see how he did it- hell I would to. But now what should I do is the question. At first the wife thing was secondary to his past and because she is out of state its easy to forget she even exists. But its now starting to bother me. She came into town today by surprise and its killing me for the first time. And I keep thinking to myself what if she gets pregnant? I would love to hear any opinions on my situation - so you think this may be the kind of circumstance where he would leave her - or am I wasting my time and should I just deal with the inevitable heartbreak now?
bestadvisor Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Yes, your situation is different. Normally, the proper advice for the others is "Stay Away," but the advice for you is "Stay AWAY AWAY AWAY."
Author ItolduIwastrouble Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 Of course there are men out there who have not been in prison for 10 yrs - but this is my situation and it is what it is. Let me say I don't hail from the best side of the tracks so its not as if his history is something completely foreign to me that would scare the wits out of me - I just never thought I would catch feelings for him and he is so unlike anyother man I have ever come across. I thought I was getting some much needed attention ( i was severely neglected by my x-husband) and that I would obviously not fall for him since clearly he is not dateable material - focusing on his past alone. Not to be cocky, but I am a very attractive woman and men, including my H have always tried to buy me or focus on my looks and his attention was just so real in form it caught me off guard. I think you are both saying what I already know - now how to do it. I have never had anyone make me feel the way he does before - I am 26 so relatively young I know - but I can't help but worry if I let go - I may never feel it again.
Crestfallen_KH Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I think you should see a therapist to determine why you don't love yourself. If you did, you wouldn't settle for a married convicted criminal. You would know you are worth more. I can understand that divorce affects self-esteem, but you really need to get away from this and work on YOU right now, not you and him.
LakesideDream Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Clearly there are multiple problems going on. First, you need to square yourself away. There is very little likelyhood of you having a good and long lasting relationship with this man. He's still in custody, he's on house release, probably with an electronic device on his ankle. Second, you are doing damage to the woman who has loved him and who stood by him for years while he was jailed. She has a huge investment in this man, and deserves a chance to make it work. You don't actually believe that they "have an agreement" do you? That's the kind of B.S. men tell their gomah's everyday. It would break that womans heart to know that the man she is in love with, and so heavily invested in is having coitus with you. If you are strong enough, give them enough room to find out if their relationship is possible. She deserves that. The guy deserves nothing, he is who he is. A Con who will do whatever it takes for feel good in the minute, to get his penis serviced. If you are the woman you say/think you are you will back away, and see what transpires without your interferance.
Curmudgeon Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Not to be cocky, but I am a very attractive woman and men, including my H have always tried to buy me or focus on my looks and his attention was just so real in form it caught me off guard. As a former cop and from that perspective, I would imagine that if his lips are moving he's lying. It's what they do best, especially during and after relatively lengthy incarcerration. He's learned how to be a player from the best and now he's hooked two of you. After he's drained both of you he'll leave you in the dust. of course, that's unless he reoffends and goes back inside at which point he'll start trolling again and may keep you around on the outside just because he can and because you'll likely put money on his books and send him things. You're 26. You have your whoile life ahead of you regardless of which side of the tracks you come from. Why link up with a proven loser? Face it, if he was all that bright he wouldn't have done it/been caught in the first place!
Mr. Lucky Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Second, you are doing damage to the woman who has loved him and who stood by him for years while he was jailed. She has a huge investment in this man, and deserves a chance to make it work. I thought the same thing. This poor woman supports this chump through ten years behind bars and her reward is - he hooks up with you behind her back. Do you really need us to tell you what to do here ? Mr. Lucky
whichwayisup Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Let me say I don't hail from the best side of the tracks This isn't a justification or an excuse to go ahead and do something really stupid. Look, the guy is bad news. People don't go to jail for 10 years and then have house arrest. Plus, he is married. You are separated and now thinking you want more from this guy. HE IS A LIAR and you have NO proof of what he's told you about his wife is true. HE is and has been lying to his wife, so don't fool yourself into thinking he won't tell you afew lies too. Do yourself a favour. End it and walk away now. Divorce your husband, allow him to be free and find love. Keeping your husband and trying out another man isn't cool. Even if you are separated, how separated are you? And for how long?
Author ItolduIwastrouble Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 Wow!! Can't say I am entirely shocked by the responses!! I am however, very glad I found this site - believe it or not though I knew really that this was a horrid situation - I have justified it to myself in unimaginable ways!!! Reading your responses has worked like a foot kicking me in my head!! It is not fair to his wife this is true though yes, maybe naively, I do believe they had this agreement- but I am very sure she did not intend for it to turn into a serious thing. Which is exactly Curmudgeons point - he is lying anyway maybe he feels nothin for me?! I reckon it doesn't matter if he really loves me or not - I have to try and love myself and walk away. Whichwayisup- I was not using my neighborhood as an excuse - I was simply trying to explain that I've come into contact with gangsters and drug dealers everyday of my life so its not as if finding out about his past screamed RUN to me as perhaps it would someone else. I have been separated for 6 mths and my husband is in another country so very separated. I think Crestfallen is right - I need to work on me right now. I am not going to answer his calls while his wife is here - he will assume thats why and not pressure me to much - and then when she goes and he comes sniffing about I am going to tell him that I can't accept his situation the way it and hopefully if it ever does change and he comes around he will be out of mysystem.
abeliever Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Hello and welcome. I have never understood why women would want to "date" , "marry" or "write to" a man in prison who is not their family? If it s a family member that is different because you cannot change dna! But to "CHOOSE" to date or love a looser in prison is beyond me. Like I told my H if I wanted to date/marry and idiot I knew exactly where to find one. So I say to you, why this type of man- unavailable, in prison and obviously not faithful to his W? It is not him who is the problem -- it is you! They look for your type, weak, can't make correct decisions for yourself unless a "strong" (so they think) man does it for you! It is real clear to me, I know a few xcriminals and they always say the same thing. They destroyed their womens lives cause they knew they could and she will still be there. And for some stupid reason they was right. This is your choice. So if you end up with him and your life turns out crappy, you will only have one person to blame and it will not be his fault. Sorry to be blunt. Curmugeon (spelled it wrong, sorry) who is former cop he knows the game I am talking about. You have a opportunity to take the right path so which one will you take? Did you really need to come on here to find your answer? Seems to me that IC would be a great start to find out what is missing in you to make these kind of bad decisions. Then move on and have the knowledge to make good decisions in your future that do not include married people or men in prison. Hope this helps. We are here to help. But sometimes a swift kick in the butt is also needed and you need one here. Just to get you to realize that this mistake could cost you a lot of damage. Good Luck. Abeliever
BetrayedMM Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Seriously- stop it! Nothing good has come from this, and nothing can. I don't see any chance of a happy outcome at all. This situation isn't hard to weigh out at all, you must already know that. If you came here for kick in the posterior to get ya moving- BAM! Get moving! Sorry to be so blunt, I know it ain't easy, but... how many billions of men is it now? And you pick this one? You can't even have him to begin with. He's taken, and you've been had. Keep looking, you haven't found the right man yet.
scubafish Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I must be watching too much afternoon TV, because this sounds alot like some of those scary 'life' shows, where the poor woman hooks up with a 'bad boy' and gets taken for everything. plus her future. I didn't see how long you have known him, but I am sure the emotional rush of being with someone who makes you feel special can be overwhelming, but listen to your rational side. I know it is scary to think of being alone, and trying to find someone else, but just look ahead, do you want to be supporting him, (getting a good job after being in jail for 10 yrs will be tough). and knowing that you may end up being treated like he is treating his 'wife' now, as well?
Author ItolduIwastrouble Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 I really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond! And yes for those of you who apologized for being so blunt - don't! I needed it!! Now what I also need is a lobotomy! I can't stop texting him - its like I'm obsessed. I know this is very unhealthy for me - but I just seemed to be latched on. I've tried removing his number from my phone - but I seem to have memorized it! (fancy that!) But any will-power I have left in my bones I am summoning up right now!! I hope to write on here soon 2 months NC! Thanks everyone!
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