What am I doin? Is this situation sifferent?

[ItolduIwastrouble]

O Kay - So I have a bit of a unique situation which is wrong on so many levels!

 

I met this guy actually ran into him twice in one day - got his number as I refused to give mine. Decided to call a few days later - and eventually we hooked up.

 

Here is where it gets good - firstly he is on house arrest - just recently out of prison for a crime we will not go into but he was in prison for over 10 yrs.

 

I thought this was bad enough in itself and something I thought I was not interested in - however, we had unbelievable chemistry and thought that I could just take it casual.

 

Then I got the next bomb shell. He is married. Apparently to a girl he grew up with who remained in touch with him while he was in prison. Once he got out they were married within 2 months. She however, lives out of state and visits once every couple of months. They have this agreement, supposedly, that until his papers are in and he transfers to her state that he can have casual relationships until he joins her.

 

again in my optimism I even thought this could be okay. I am married myself but separated and didn't think I was ready for a new relationship.

 

However, things have spiraled out of control. I have fallen in love with him. I think he has with me as well, he has said so once - but not again - and its not something I press. I have tried to break it off numerous times but get so upset when we are not speaking and inevitably fall right back into it. He has done the same and most recently said that he did not expect me to come into his life and that I have him weighing his options, but that yet in still he thinks he has gotten me into something that is unfair to me. That I should try to move on and be happy. but after saying this he strokes my face constantly looking in my eyes and sighs saying he doesn't know what he is going to do about me.

 

Its an odd situation because we both try to break it off and neither one of us can seem to let go - but yet realistically I don't even know if I want him to leave his wife because I am going through my own things. What if I get him and don't really want him anymore?

 

I think his marriage is based on many things - I am not saying he doesn't love her, but imagine being in prison for over 10 yrs coming out and your Mom is dead your estranged from your father living with distant relatives and here is this woman who has been visiting you, sending you money, has a home and a life to offer you. Its easy to see how he did it- hell I would to.

 

But now what should I do is the question. At first the wife thing was secondary to his past and because she is out of state its easy to forget she even exists. But its now starting to bother me. She came into town today by surprise and its killing me for the first time. And I keep thinking to myself what if she gets pregnant?

 

I would love to hear any opinions on my situation - so you think this may be the kind of circumstance where he would leave her - or am I wasting my time and should I just deal with the inevitable heartbreak now?

[Frances]

Run run as fast as your legs will carry you. You have no idea the trouble you will get yourself into in the furture.

[KATANYA]

I'm not sure WHAT part of this situation makes it hard for you to leave it alone.......he was in jail for ten years and just got out and is on house arrest - let's just say he's reformed from WHATEVER he did to wind up there in the first place, he is on house arrest so is on HIS BEST BEHAVIOR!!!!! Having said that, his best behavior is to have an A on his 2 month old marriage while he is tied to his home, lonely, bored and not able to 'live' a normal life for the time being. Can't even begin to imagine what he will do when he's not being monitored 24/7.

 

Jump to the next issue ----- HE WAS IN JAIL FOR TEN YEARS......I'm thinking the fact that he's got a wife in another state is not fulfilling some basic needs he's missed out on for several years --- enter you to the picture!

 

None of this situation sounds good, appealing or even promising for a happy ending........take a good look at the reality of what you are doing to yourself. You are no doubt hurting and lonely right now going through a separation and you are vulnerable whether you see that or not. Why not tell him that you need to back off and he needs to support this --- if he is 'the one' (and every flag, bell and whistle going off is saying NOT), then tell him when he gets his 'clearance' from house arrest, gets his divorce and gets his life in order let you know. Please do this FOR YOURSELF.

[GreenEyedLady]

I would love to hear any opinions on my situation - so you think this may be the kind of circumstance where he would leave her - or am I wasting my time and should I just deal with the inevitable heartbreak now?

 

Maybe I missed something; If he's on house arrest, how did you meet him?

 

I wouldn't even waste my time with this guy...He sounds like a real loser...

[ItolduIwastrouble]

No you didn't miss anything - he is on house arrest but he has a job so he is allowed movement during certain times of the day.

 

And yes the consensus so far seems to be that he is a loser. He got in trouble when he was only 15 though - and my bleeding heart says maybe he shouldn't be judged on that forever?

[norajane]

And yes the consensus so far seems to be that he is a loser. He got in trouble when he was only 15 though - and my bleeding heart says maybe he shouldn't be judged on that forever?

 

You don't have to judge him on his past. Judge him on his CURRENT behavior. Married and cheating.

 

I think his marriage is based on many things - I am not saying he doesn't love her, but imagine being in prison for over 10 yrs coming out and your Mom is dead your estranged from your father living with distant relatives and here is this woman who has been visiting you, sending you money, has a home and a life to offer you. Its easy to see how he did it- hell I would to.

So, basically, you are saying he is using this girl who married him, and you think it's ok that he did that, under the circumstances. And you would do the same.

 

Maybe you two deserve each other after all.

 

 

 

He's using you, too, you know. You probably don't see it - just like his wife doesn't see that, yet. But since you think it's ok to use people, then I'm sure you won't mind when he takes off after his house arrest is over and you realize that you've been used and dumped.

 

Good luck to you. I think you'll need it.

[MissMaris]

No you didn't miss anything - he is on house arrest but he has a job so he is allowed movement during certain times of the day.

 

And yes the consensus so far seems to be that he is a loser. He got in trouble when he was only 15 though - and my bleeding heart says maybe he shouldn't be judged on that forever?

 

 

No, he shouldn't be judged on it forever......but he SHOULD be viewed as a highy risky romantic prospect.

 

From what you've said, he seems to attract trouble and drama. He did a ten year stint in jail and is now married but courting you. Hmmmm, I'm not sure why he looks like boyfriend material to you. I'd hightail it out of there.

[OWoman]

He got in trouble when he was only 15 though - and my bleeding heart says maybe he shouldn't be judged on that forever?

 

I don't know what country you live in or what the justice system is like there, but in my country 10 year jail terms are for serious offences like murder, armed robbery and rape. Not the kind of thing I'd call "getting into trouble". If a kid of 15 was already up to that kind of serious *****, I'd worry what he'd be doing when he got older and bolder.

 

And perhaps the jail system works better in your country, but here recidivism is pretty high, and jail is widely regarded as a university for learning bigger better crimes rather than for becoming productive citizens. His behaviour since his release from jail doesn't seem consistent with his having been rehabilitated into a fine upstanding citizen either, going by what you've mentioned here.

 

I don't believe everyone should be judged for life by something they did in their past, but unless there's enough evidence to counter-balance that, then a past AND A PRESENT filled with shady behaviour isn't much of a promising track record.

[ItolduIwastrouble]

Why is it sometimes you can listen to other people better than yourself?

 

I knew this was bad news but I kept going! But now I've stopped!(I hope!) 2 days NC - I told him that I was not being fair to myself and by seeing him whether or not he was using me - that I was using myself.

 

The night before he had come over and was talking really down about his restrictions and working for such little money was really getting to him and that he was trying to do what he learned not what he knew (which is dealing on the streets) So I went in the house and got him my good luck charm - brought it to him and he looked at it like I was mad - saying "what is this"

 

I told him I would explain it later - I sent a text saying it was ivory from Paris and that if he pawned it I would slit his throat - obviously joking. (about the slitting of the throat. So anyway - the next day he came over and we slept together - afterwards he said to me "you were acting crazy yesterday" the charm the text, what is it I don't understand"

 

This story has nothing to do with why I ended it - which I did after he left by text since I am a coward. Its just now I've done good so far on the 2nd day of complete NC - the first day is usually the hardest and when I break. But his cousin lives on the street next to mine- well its more like a close. So when I pulled in yesterday I saw his jeep in front of his cousins house and when I was moving stuff out of my car later he drove by my house I looked up and saw his cousin leaning foward looking at me though they didn't stop.

 

 

I feel so paranoid now that he is telling his cousin/friends that I am some crazy psycho woman and thats why its over. They all knew we were together his jeep was always outside my house - which is bad enough as they all know I'm the piece on the side - now do they think I'm a bunny boiler as well?

 

Here is the thing I really want to text him and tell him that I hope he is being respectful when he speaks about me - but the reality is I suppose he has said/will say whatever he is going to and my texting will probably make me look more pathetic! This is so hard to do - I guess I'm just venting!!I know its the right thing but seeing him everyday passing by is not helping!

[child_of_isis]

Think of this guy like you would an addiction.

 

Abstain!!!! Get far away. Lick your wounds for a few days then come out fighting.

 

Fight every day the urge to see him or to contact him.