sb129 Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Then DON"T go into 2008 with this. YOU have the power to escape this situation. Delete his number, you get a new number, a new email address, whatever, and move forward. The only way to get him to stop contacting you, is to STOP CONTACTING HIM. He is a loser, and what he said to you yesterday only confirms that to me. If you married him, your life would be a million times worse than what it is now. You are doing well, and heading in the righ t direction. Stay strong and don't let him crumble your resolve. HAving no contact with him will help this.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 he was with 2 women. i told him not to tell me this as it hurts me..he then said he is off abroad and lets try again in the new year. SOMEONE please tell me why i am dwelling on the really sh*t hurtful guy who has really treated me badly. why am i looking for that small glimmer that he will contact me in the new year - when experience has taught me he wont??? - i have pursued him. each time something goes wrong i go back to him. he doesnt even call me. he meets on his terms and i turn up like a randy goat.... what the heck is wrong with me. how do i break this habit????? help me please.i cannot go into 2008 with this. i cant. quote] He dosen't call you cause he dosen't have to he knowes when your desprate enough lonley enough you will come looking for him and he will get a easy piece of @ss. This guy dose not love you he dose not care on any level you have about the same meaning to him as a used condom please belive that! Your just a easy desprate f*ck every once in a while I bet he even jokes about it to his friends! Not the kinda guy worth your time belive me move on and have more respect for yourself. Delete his numbers every were and forget him! And if he dose call do not anser change the #s if you have to. I mean unless your ok with being a f*ck friend on a string there for his use and misuse! Sorry if this sounds harsh here but I just thought she needed to hear the cold truth in this situation. Hope I havent hurt you poster #1 not my entention at all my advice stop worrying about men so much. And start takeing care of you and working on just makeing you a happy person for now at least. And when you are in a better happier state of mind the right guy will come along
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 This is the same guy who you didnt have any attraction to you in the begining of your posts now you want him after he starts hurting you??? I dont get it? Are you naive or just plain dumb? He's using you and mentally abusing you. My question to you is, if you didnt like him in the begining why the hell do you care now? huh??? WTF????:confused:
Elyssa Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 I think the guy she's talking about in her last post was her other ex. So_gutted... I don't say this to be mean but I think you need professional help. You actually considered marrying a perfect stranger because he had money and could give you the lifestyle you crave. Any adult woman in a western culture with an ounce of common sense would've rejected this proposition right away. When you finally realized it wasn't a good idea, you bounced off to your ex who obviously treats you like dirt and proceed to brood endlessly when he blows you off. You need to pull yourself together and stop being so emotionally dependent on men. Only when you are happy with and by yourself, you'll be able to achieve a healthy relationship with the right man. -E
SpanksTheMonkey Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 i am going to deliver the lets be friends line. i think thats best. earlier today when he called - i nearly gave in....but what he said was unforgiveable. . Far as the marrage guy you don't need to delive any line simply don't pick up the phone! I'm sure after a few days he will get the message if not thats why there are restraning/protection orders! So what he said was unforgiveable but how the sleezy ex treats you is OK? Yea I'm starting to wonder how old you are myself? I def think you need to seek some help and I'm not trying to be mean when I say that.
GRITS07 Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Can anyone say "controlling" Please, please, take it from me, leave this guy alone. He is one of those guys that will try to control you. Girl, you don't need this in your life, run don't walk. I can tell you from experience that he swept you off your feet, right? That's how the game is played. Now, you're interested so let the games begin. Is that what you truly want? Surely not.
Keara Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 I've been in situations where I felt like everything was out of my control, I was self-destructive, and chased after men who used me and made me feel worse about myself. It hurts. Its self-destructive behavior. I know what helped me was to put half that energy I was using to kill myself psychologically into finding new female friends. And the rest of the time I threw myself into hobbies and introspection. I made my apartment into a "safe" zone by shutting off the phone, setting firm boundaries with people, and filling my life with things that made ME happy. I was selfish about it too. It was all about what I wanted and needed in order to be happy about my life. And the reason it worked is because I was so concerned with making everyone else happy that I lost who I was, and without someone else in my life (even someone who treated me like crap) I felt worthless. Focusing on myself allowed me to see what really did make me happy and take the steps I needed to keep that in my life. And I was able to understand why I clung to what wasn't making me happy and remove it from my life. Your behavior is very self-destructive. If you don't force yourself to change then you're risking your life. Your ex is sleeping with multiple women who potentially have given him a STDs. You seriously contemplated spending the rest of your life with a complete stranger because he showed some interest in you. You're obsessing about how to get that next dose of "someone" who will give you even a glimmer of time. This isn't healthy.
Author so gutted Posted December 19, 2007 Author Posted December 19, 2007 Self destructive behaviour? Yes - i even used these words earlier myself. I made a list of all the men I have ever seen and how long for. It seems I have shut this info out of my head...out of 18 - 20 men that i have had any type of physical contact with - most of these have lasted 1 meeting each. I sometime get what i want and then dont bother or neither of us bother. Out of the longer relationships - i have hung around with one guy ( very on and off - no commitments made...to be fair when he was talking about commitment - i was either busy with other stuff or pursuing someone else) for 2 and a half years.... the other ones ranged from 2 months.... What I cannot understand is - why am i pursuing this dodgy ex???? he started off ok and then i messed it up ( got drunk and insulted him) and from then on it got worse....me doing the chasing. Now he has me hanging AGAIN....coz he is going away until new year....probably with a new lover .....he gave me a 1 line text....why am i hanging on to this one line....just saying hi how r u ..... its weird. the marriage guy mentioned in this post has behaved better ( the date and his level of attentiveness) but i dismissed him completly for the one that ignores me and treats me openly like someone he will see if it suits him only - on his terms. How can i get myself off him????? the weirder thing is that the guys that i was close to and had a decent relationship with promising marraige - i did not chase.....i let them go even though they hurt me more.......so why am i chasing this one. Is this a result of me getting older...am i going to get more desperate and needy? i have really pursued finding new friends and it is very hard..... You say - be happy with yourself and dont pursue men...thats very easy to say but i feel consumed by guilt and wrongfullness for not being married. I know i am a western woman with western values but i come from a sh*tty culture and mindset (even with the people my age born here) where u are outcast and treated as nothing because u have not married. The comments and abuse are directed at my parents and brother. The audacity of me not being married is an insult to the whole community's way of life and thinking. I have rejected this attitude as far as i can and hence tried to date outside of the culture BUT it is deep rooted. I feel guilty for being alone. OK so pursing the ex is not a good way of getting married or helping the situation but maybe its my way of letting off some tension or trying to deject the culture. Maybe I am trying to fight back. I could accept being alone - if i had a social circle or comething else......its hard finding a set of friends when they have all SETTLED - Compromised so that they do not end up like me.
Elyssa Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 You come off as desperate and needy. That's not very attractive and you're only going to attract the kind of men that will use and/or abuse you, because they know you'll take it in hopes the relationship will become serious. You're a grown woman and you should have more self-respect and willpower than this. Let go of the sleazy ex. Don't allow yourself to contact him again, and if he does, tell him you don't want to hear from him again. The key to being loved by others is loving yourself first. Start doing so by not allowing any men to treat you like your ex has. Stop dating for some time and don't go out on a date again unless you truly feel a spark with the person and they treat you right. -E
Author so gutted Posted December 20, 2007 Author Posted December 20, 2007 well i got a text from him saying that I hope you and your family have a good life..... sounds a bit final. i suppose i feel a bit sad but i dont want to carry on some friendship as a reserve plan.
sumdude Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 well i got a text from him saying that I hope you and your family have a good life..... sounds a bit final. i suppose i feel a bit sad but i dont want to carry on some friendship as a reserve plan. Now.... sit down and sigh a very HUGE sigh of relief. Next grab a peice of paper and write down the qualites of an ideal mate for you. for example... he is kind he is honorable he repects me On another peice of paper write down the qualities and things that you do not want from a mate or anyone else.... and be honest about it. things like... I will not be verbally abused I will not be physically threatened or abused I wil not be insulted etc Now write down things you have always wanted to do in your life.. then find ways to achieve some of them regardless of your relationship status. Writing things down has a way of making them more real and permanent. Also makes you really think about what you do and do not want in your life.
Author so gutted Posted January 3, 2008 Author Posted January 3, 2008 UPDATE: Now something is not right here. I left the above situation alone. I got a happy xmas text, i sent a polite reply back. Then New Years, he texts again. 30 mins later he calls, i let it go to voicemail. He left a voicemail saying happy new year etc etc and be nice to talk, i want to send something to you are u at work. I didnt like this. So I called him back ( as i dont want anything going to work). It went to voicemail. Anyway it later tranpires that he wants to send me a gift to say sorry. I told him not to bother (nicely enough) and questions would be asked if a gift arrived at work....which i dont want. He then calls again today to say Happy new year....and would be nice if we could talk. I dont like this at all. He CREEPS me out. why does he want this strange link. i really really do not fancy him at all. In fact he turns me off. His money is no compensation. I think he has a bruised ego because he still thinks he is a good catch (even though his face looks like its always asleep). Also he talks in motivational teacher speak all the time. He annoys me severely. At the same time i feel guilty coz he spent a lot of money on the date..... should i just not answer...... CREEP.
Jilly Bean Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 SG - this guy is a total mental patient, and I know you know that. Good for you for not giving him your work details (that's really what he was fishing for). I would continue to ignore him. Total NC and don't even take or return a call going forward. Thing is, because he is so off, he probably doesn't even realize how disturbing his behavior is to you. And don't feel guilty about the $$$ he spent on the date. You didn't ask him to, he did that on his own to try and impress you. Not like you asked him to make a mortgage payment...
Author so gutted Posted January 3, 2008 Author Posted January 3, 2008 thanks. He really does not need to call and text 4 times to say happy new year. I know new year makes us all reflect but really he shouldnt say things like YOUR OVARIES ARE GONNA FREEZE UP IF U DONT MARRY ME.... to regret it 3 weeks later. !
Jilly Bean Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 (edited) thanks. I know new year makes us all reflect but really he shouldnt say things like YOUR OVARIES ARE GONNA FREEZE UP IF U DONT MARRY ME.... to regret it 3 weeks later. ! Did I miss that in the thread? Please tell me he did not actually say that to you. Wow. Edited January 4, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author so gutted Posted January 3, 2008 Author Posted January 3, 2008 in not so many words- yes he did say this... and also that he feels sorry for me ( as i wont find anyone as good as him ...) and his potential partner will lbe much better of then me......lol i let him say all of this - i didnt even tell him that he looks like his face has been badly inflated and his teacher tone makes me feel this small etc etc...i let him rant as i thought this might help him to go elsewhere. i get the impression now he is plain desperate.i have never had such a case of an apology and grovel before. I dont believe the things he said were in anger or heat of the moment because he said them a few times on different occasions...so he cannot apologize now. he also said i was lazy - this maybe because i didnt answer his 6 a.m phone calls..........wow how lazy am i...... i wish he would eff off coz his desperation is more offputting. mental torture.
Jilly Bean Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 No, I totally remember the other stuff. He's a total and complete mental patient. Normally, I advise people to tell an unwanted suitor that they got back with their ex, but with this guy, I think it would just drive him more to pursue you. Really - just ignore him. He doesn't know where you work or live, does he?
Author so gutted Posted January 3, 2008 Author Posted January 3, 2008 he knows where i work..... usually i lie very well on details but this time i slipped up. anyway its so busy he would not catch me and security is very very good. i jsut want him to go away. he is homing on my situation knowing that brown girls face a lot when unmarried etc - he is a rare case of a western man looking for a wife in an eastern fashion. it aint working!!!
Jilly Bean Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 (edited) Well, I am sure he's not dangerous to you. Just mental - lol. Plus, there is security... He was trying to play you off of your (as he imagined them to be)insecurities. Edited January 4, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Recommended Posts