sb129 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Can you not just meet with him and spend more time with him in person before you commit to marrying him? What is wrong with doing that?
amsohappy Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Now is the best time to decide and take your time to do so. If he really loves and cares for YOU, he will allow you the time and make the situation such that you will feel comfortable. Have you met his family or friends? I think this would help to know more about him and the environment that you will end up in. Since he does travel a lot, then, your social outlets would seem to be him, work colleagues and friends, and family. I also think that you should ask yourself why you are willing to settle for someone who is not fitting the "chemistry" aspect of your criteria. If that is important to you, then, maybe you were trying to confirm that by hooking up with your ex again. Everybody's ideal may be somewhat different.. the important thing is to find out what makes you happy and what you need for a solid foundation in your life. Also, please step back and make sure that you are not just an object in someone's life but, are also gaining something from that person's relationship too.
spookie Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I still see too many things that aren't good. Mainly that he "just wants to settle down" with an attractive woman he doesn't know. Like some things about you conform to his shopping list. That just isn't what a marriage is based on, IMO. Not in this country, but there are others where it is. That said, there are red flags everywhere. He's controlling, she's unstable and this isn't what SHE wants. So_gutted.... why don't you spend more time getting less crazy and less obsessing about men? It'll pay off in the long run, I promise, even where marriage is concerned (you'll be more attractive once you're more stable.)
Author so gutted Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 i havnt met his family or friends. He spends a lot of time alone. i can relate to this - as so do i - but not as much as him. i guess his attraction is that he is successful - how many men like that will come my way. he has the ideal lifestyle. I cannot meet him and spend more time with him as he wants to make me his girlfriend....something about this makes me back off. it must be because g/f implies some level of intimacy which i dont want with him.BUT - I havnt tried to be intimate with him so how will i know? i am dreading his call. we were going to meet today - he could call anytime. i just feel ( atthis time of year - xmas and new year) lonely....i feel a loss............ i dont feel comfortable with living in another country. moving around and having no base...while he works.... he said that he will become my family/friends everything.... I have previously complained about my friends etc not being there for me ......and me being very very lonely.....BUT I think even with all those factors - I STILL DONT WANT TO MARRY HIM. Why do i feel so guilty???
marlena Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I think he seems outwardly perfect to cover up what's really wrong with him. Trust your gut instincts. I'm guessing he has an undersized willy. I' m not guessing! I'm sure! And with the undersized willy come a host of psychological problems!!! RUN for the nearest exit! I'm not kidding, dear! I'm dead serious!!
sb129 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I cannot meet him and spend more time with him as he wants to make me his girlfriend....something about this makes me back off. If he respects you, then he will respect your wish to delay intimacy until YOU are ready (or not, as the case may be). Even if you are having an arranged marriage, where your family and friends have a major input in finding someone that they feel that you would be compatible with, it is normal to spend SOME time with the person before you get married, its very rare that a H and W get married without meeting these days. You are feeling guilty because your gut reaction is telling you that you DON'T want to be this mans GF, and you are trying to convince yourself that you SHOULD be because he is successful, which is NOT a good enough reason to be someones GF, in my opinion. he said that he will become my family/friends everything... This is a dreadful thing to say. it obviously fills you with dread too. A happy R NEEDS both people in it to have relationships with people outside the R. Good friendships and family relationships can help to strengthen a marriage. If you depend on eachother to be "everything" it is hard work, and unhealthy. This is just another sign that he wants to control you. I have been in a controlling R, and it is AWFUL. Its very hard to get out of. I would get out now if I were you. Don't settle for this man just because you feel he is your only option. Not long after I ditched my controlling ex, a man came along who ticked ALL the boxes for me. You can find that someone for you.
Trialbyfire Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Don't settle for this man just because you feel he is your only option. Not long after I ditched my controlling ex, a man came along who ticked ALL the boxes for me. You can find that someone for you. Exactly. Ideal lifestyle doesn't replace everything else. You have to want to be with someone, in every way. You're basing your decision-making on security issues. Start looking at everything and find someone who's a happy balance between all compatibility issues.
Storyrider Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 If you dread his call, what is there to mull over? You should love someone you're thinking of marrying, not dread him. The lack of chemistry alone is enough reason to back out. IMO you dread him not only because he is controlling, but because you are weak-willed and know that if you are around him, he *will* control you. I'm not saying that to be mean but because I know the feeling.
marlena Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I will say this again. This man has serious psychological problems. Period. No man in his right mind offers marriage after just one encounter and no woman in her right mind would accept such a proposal after one encounter. To me, he is trying to rush you into this because he has hiding HUGE problems. Of course, I can not know for sure, but PLEASE, if you must follow this through, keep your eyes open!
Author so gutted Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 OK - you guys were right. He called me and it seems he has changed now that I had the audacity NOT to be interested in him. It wasnt nice. Basically he seemed baffled as to why i wasnt chasing him. Why i was over 30, my ovaries are drying up ( he said this!) and how 5 years from now I would have a bad marriage and he would be offering his wife 100 of handbags, rooms of shoes etc etc. How he could support my whole family. How he could have taught me how to talk without my mouth full!!!! (thanks for the feedback - i didnt realize i was such an animal that i spoke with my mouth full - he should be gald i was this comfortable!!). How his previous girlfiends were more interesting. How i was lazy. How i will regret this. You see - he doesnt need to do this. He doesnt need to make the effort and chase and get nothing back from me. He wants someone that wants him. I really felt insulted by this - but also glad that i have enough dignity NOT to sleep with a man and marry him cos he has money. He was really insulted. I hope he goes away quietly. I really didnt want this. Thank god his true colours showed........... ok i dont have his ambitions - but at least i have a job ( a good one) at least i support myself and i havnt gone down the arranged marraige route - in fact i congratulate myself for having got myself out of that situation.For having the strength to be different and to dare to want a man i love. GOD ALMIGHTY.
Author so gutted Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 Also - when i tried to tell him that he was coming on too strong he said all he wanted to do was talk to me/get to know me ....nothing else....like i had imagined the discussions about him wanting me as a wife....sleeping together, getting close.... is he hurt and angry that i indirectly rejected him ?
polywog Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 OK - you guys were right. He called me and it seems he has changed now that I had the audacity NOT to be interested in him. It wasnt nice. Basically he seemed baffled as to why i wasnt chasing him. Why i was over 30, my ovaries are drying up ( he said this!) and how 5 years from now I would have a bad marriage and he would be offering his wife 100 of handbags, rooms of shoes etc etc. How he could support my whole family. How he could have taught me how to talk without my mouth full!!!! (thanks for the feedback - i didnt realize i was such an animal that i spoke with my mouth full - he should be gald i was this comfortable!!). How his previous girlfiends were more interesting. How i was lazy. How i will regret this. You see - he doesnt need to do this. He doesnt need to make the effort and chase and get nothing back from me. He wants someone that wants him. I really felt insulted by this - but also glad that i have enough dignity NOT to sleep with a man and marry him cos he has money. He was really insulted. I hope he goes away quietly. I really didnt want this. Thank god his true colours showed........... ok i dont have his ambitions - but at least i have a job ( a good one) at least i support myself and i havnt gone down the arranged marraige route - in fact i congratulate myself for having got myself out of that situation.For having the strength to be different and to dare to want a man i love. GOD ALMIGHTY. Please forgive me, so-g, but the stuff he said made me almost blow my seltzer out my nose! What a wacky twit he turned out to be! Be Glad, I'm sure you are.
Trialbyfire Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Sounds more like a sales promo for snake oil...
amaysngrace Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Possibly but I think he's more angry that you didn't go along with his plan. He was vicious, tearing you apart and calling you insulting names. He even went so far to insult your family. That's so messed up. Who does that?? I'll tell you who. Guys like him. A nicer man would be like "hey, I'm sorry it didn't work out but I think you're great and I'm glad for the time we had". That's how confident people break up. Not by lowering themselves the way he did. He gets upset and he takes it out on you. I'm so glad you didn't sign up for more of that. Yep...definitely a small willy.
Storyrider Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Can you say, at least in general, what culture he was from? I'm curious. Is it a culture where male domination is more accepted? Not at all saying this excuses his behavior, but it might at least explain some of it. Ultimately this is a side issue. I'm sure he is crazy in any language.
amsohappy Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 i havnt met his family or friends. He spends a lot of time alone. i can relate to this - as so do i - but not as much as him. i guess his attraction is that he is successful - how many men like that will come my way. he has the ideal lifestyle. I cannot meet him and spend more time with him as he wants to make me his girlfriend....something about this makes me back off. it must be because g/f implies some level of intimacy which i dont want with him.BUT - I havnt tried to be intimate with him so how will i know? i am dreading his call. we were going to meet today - he could call anytime. i just feel ( atthis time of year - xmas and new year) lonely....i feel a loss............ i dont feel comfortable with living in another country. moving around and having no base...while he works.... he said that he will become my family/friends everything.... I have previously complained about my friends etc not being there for me ......and me being very very lonely.....BUT I think even with all those factors - I STILL DONT WANT TO MARRY HIM. Why do i feel so guilty??? I appreciate your honesty and exploring your feelings. It's not easy to do. you should not feel guilty about being true to yourself and your feelings. also, it might not be a bad idea to try out being in a relationship as a girlfriend to him first. this way, you will have the security of not being totally away from your life and immersed in his yet. also, if you don't want to travel, maybe you could find someone near you who also is successful and has the lifestyle you desire. if you go with this person, then, you will not give yourself the chance to wait and see if a person with the same criteria, plus attraction and not much travel abroad will appear in your life. but, that's just a thought. I guess we don't know what will or won't happen in our life always. but, you deserve happiness. just don't give up too much of your life and security.
marlena Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 His reaction only cements what I suspected all along. This is a man with huge psychological issues. He is bitter,resentful, and cruel. He is desperate to find a wife perhaps because no other woman will have him once they get to know what he is all about. This is why he proposes EARLY on in the hopes that someone will be foolish enough to accept. Once agai, like someone said, "See them hills over there"? Run, sweetie, as fast as you can. He is not NORMAL.
amsohappy Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 I appreciate your honesty and exploring your feelings. It's not easy to do. you should not feel guilty about being true to yourself and your feelings. also, it might not be a bad idea to try out being in a relationship as a girlfriend to him first. this way, you will have the security of not being totally away from your life and immersed in his yet. also, if you don't want to travel, maybe you could find someone near you who also is successful and has the lifestyle you desire. if you go with this person, then, you will not give yourself the chance to wait and see if a person with the same criteria, plus attraction and not much travel abroad will appear in your life. but, that's just a thought. I guess we don't know what will or won't happen in our life always. but, you deserve happiness. just don't give up too much of your life and security. I'm sorry, I didn't read your most recent post before I wrote the above message (I would not suggest that you try out being a girlfriend now.) I would definitely say that you are lucky that you found out about his behaviour and anger now. If he really was nice, he wouldn't have insulted you like this. There are people who give to their wives without this rude behaviour.
Phateless Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Hi Guys, Some of you that know me know how many losers I have hung onto lately. Lately I have had some weird form of hope. I met a guy from a random dating site. He was from a different cultural background but seemed very interested in settling down. From day one he seemed to be very clear on what he wanted. He didnt want to sleep around - unless he knew there was a future in that relationship. He spoke a lot about marraige etc. He seemed to be hooked on me from talking to me and seeing my picture. We met up and he told me he liked me to my face. He had also previously said that if i looked anything like my picture ( and all was well) he would marry me. After we met - he said he meant what he said about marraige and i fitted his bill. He fits my bill also....he he well educated ambitious, tall and is stable financially ( he is generous also- unlike the normal men i meet); He is doing everything right, calling ON TIME....telling me how he feels and talking about establishing a serious relationship. The issue is that I dont think I FANCY HIM! I feel really guilty that i dont fancy someone that is otherwise perfect. Also, he is suffocating me. He is an early riser and expects me to get up early - to answer his calls ...at the crack of dawn. I am not a morning person - so this REALLY gets on my nerves. If i dont pick up the phone he sees that as me being non commital and goes on and on about this. (late night calls - for hours when i have work the next day). I am scared that if i dont marry him i will regret this, but i just cannot imagine sleeping with him? should i be overlooking this? i am a very sexual person, i know what i want sexually and it is a very important thing to me, but am i favouring the wrong thing>?? isnt this what women all over the world do? they marry men that are "suited"/will make good husbands/good fathers.....even if the chemistry isnt there??? can this develop? he wants to move forward with this and get enagaged soon ( a month or so).... i have tried to back off without fully backing out - whilst i think but he takes this badly. i do not know what to do? has anyone been in a relationship with no intial attraction?????? Get out now. This can only end in disaster. You already knew the answer yourself simply by the fact that you posted to ask about it.
Author so gutted Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 thanks for replying.... i didnt expect to hear from him again... he called today - with the excuse that "had i called him from a private number?" what a funny excuse.... anyway he was asking what i thought and he kind of said sorry about being so harsh - but only when i siad i didnt deserve that. now he wants to talk. i used work as a excuse to get out of it.but he is going to call back. i think he is lonely. i need to communicate effectively that he is wrong...what should i say? so far nothing has worked.
amaysngrace Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 what should i say? Quit being so accepting. This guy is a LOSER. Don't say anything except "have a nice life". He's playing on your good heart right now. He insulted your family...game over.
Reckless Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 i need to communicate effectively that he is wrong...what should i say? so far nothing has worked. I shall help you, just fill in the name: ======================================================== Hello [....] Listen, I've come to realise that we really are not meant for each other. I would like you to stop calling me. Please don't make me get a restraining order out on you. I'm getting a big dog so don't bother dropping round. Goodbye forever. Have a nice life. (hang up the phone/close the door) ====================================================== hope this helps. R
SpanksTheMonkey Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 he said that he will become my family/friends everything.... Wowe thats creepy dosen't that make you realise something? I've delt with guys like that before belive me its not fun! And you can't change people so don't even try. Now It kinda sounds like your lonley and attracted to this guys money/lifestyle bouth of which could be a sham or can fade in time. So ask yourself this would you still be questioning yourself if he became poor tomorrow? Do him and yourself a fav and be honest and upfront and tell him how you truly feel.
Trialbyfire Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Please read up about abuser/abusee dysfunctional relationships. One of the first things an abuser does, is to isolate the abusee, to create a dependency.
Author so gutted Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 i am going to deliver the lets be friends line. i think thats best. earlier today when he called - i nearly gave in....but what he said was unforgiveable. all weekend the ar-seh-le ex did not call (he does this often - i think he switches his phone off at weekends or is busy having sex all weekend) then this morning - he replies to meet tonight. no hi or how r u - straight to the point. he texted again and then called. i purposelly left that phone at home, so that i wouldnt get drawn in. i replied much later on and said - so r u back ? he wrote back saying sorry but he had made other plans coz i didnt reply back ( the cheek!!!!) he was with 2 women. i told him not to tell me this as it hurts me..he then said he is off abroad and lets try again in the new year. SOMEONE please tell me why i am dwelling on the really sh*t hurtful guy who has really treated me badly. why am i looking for that small glimmer that he will contact me in the new year - when experience has taught me he wont??? sadly - this is it? i have wasted a year on this guy - i have pursued him. each time something goes wrong i go back to him. he doesnt even call me. he meets on his terms and i turn up like a randy goat.... what the heck is wrong with me. how do i break this habit????? help me please.i cannot go into 2008 with this. i cant. and whoever asked what race the first guy is - he is half black.
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