AriaIncognito Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 So in my oh so infinite wisdom, I decided to read someones blog, that someone would be the person my ex dated before me, but she's still in his life. Way more than me. He seems to drift in and out of hers when he's with someone or not with someone, and I don't know. I suppose he gets off knowing how much she still cares for him, even after 2 years time (and they only dated a brief time - like 3-4 months). He comments on her life. Never comments on mine. I got to thinking that maybe he thrives on being around people who aren't "together". She's bed hopping from one to the other (sometimes in the same week) and maybe that's a turn on to him. I can see where if he is turned on by her actions, where he and I couldn't work out. Anyway. I found myself reading, for hours upon hours, to see if he cheated on me. Why? I don't know. Maybe because I always suspected that he did. I didn't find any evidence of it as of yet. I found him calling her sweetie or dear in some comments, but I suppose they were innocuous. Only I never remember him ever calling me either of those words. He always said she was so fragile and needed him and stuff. And well, reading it I see where he gets that notion. But in all honestly him sticking around gives her as much false hope as it would have given me. As soon as her current man leaves, she runs to him for cuddling or whatever. I wish he'd stop hurting her. I know all too well how much it hurts. Anyway, I dont know. I guess I felt the need to confess my poor judgement. She knows I've read it cuz she had to friend me to allow it. She and I exchanged a few messages where she confirmed that he is seeing someone (I had suspected but didn't KNOW). This made me a little sad too. I don't understand why he finds them so easily. I dont know, maybe I'm just sad because it's the holidays. Maybe I'm looking for answers or closure, something I dont feel I'll ever get. Maybe I'm just looking for ways I can blame it on him so I can believe I'm loveable. Right now, I dont think I'll ever find someone to go out on a single date with me, let alone fall for me. I realize that thought is dumb. I realize when I'm ready I'll be sending out different signals. Thanks for reading this long entry. I don't know what I'm looking for as far as replies, but feel free. I just wish I didn't hurt myself like this sometimes. Maybe it's all part of what I need to do to heal, I dont know. I just wish I'd meet someone that would prove my suspicions about my never living happily ever after, wrong.
polywog Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 God, Aria... I'm sure I'd have done the same thing! I mean, it's hard when you're feeling low to resist evil temptations like that (not that YOU were being evil, but that the thing that you KNOW is not good is right there callin' ya). Seems to me you need to get back to the LS holiday party and forget about it for a bit. And forgive yourself.
Author AriaIncognito Posted December 15, 2007 Author Posted December 15, 2007 God, Aria... I'm sure I'd have done the same thing! I mean, it's hard when you're feeling low to resist evil temptations like that (not that YOU were being evil, but that the thing that you KNOW is not good is right there callin' ya). Seems to me you need to get back to the LS holiday party and forget about it for a bit. And forgive yourself. The LS Holiday party has been dead for almost a day lol. Sad. Luckily, I've got to shower soon. I committed to going to dinner with 2 guy friends of mine. 2 guy friends I've had crushes on but apparently it's not reciprocated LOL. EIther way, I've got dinner with 2 men, so I guess my night will be good for a few hours :-) For the record, neither one are really my type. Both are too reserved for the likes of me. However, it's good to have crushes.
underpants Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 but...but... You touched the magic ball. You are blessed. Time to work that mojo. I say you get all gussied up and have a great time. Be observant, open and have a blast. Your ex is obviously an idiot. Forget him. He is so...duh...like...last year.
purplegurl Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 hmmmm im kinda in d same boat! god knows y we cant resist the temptation to somehow or the other chk up on our exes!!! its been two months since my brk up...n iv been a good gurl so far....well i knew the password to his mailbox buh resisted the urge to chk up till now....guess ur rite..its d holiday season n im gttn pretty nostalgic!! oh well all excuses apart sneaky ppl nvr do find nethn worthwhile......do they? i dint....i had this suspicion tht he's been gttn sweet on his ex (before me)...n i found theyr mails 2 each other in d last week or so...all sappy n mushy n new in love!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa lol its kinda pathetic coz its my bloody own curiosity dats to blame...and to think i wuz doin so well for 2 mnths....thnks to strict NC. guess its back to the grind for me,well im feelin pretty messed up to say the least........... indeed why do we bring it on us.......???? why is there this extreme urge to keep pokin into sm1's life.i think more than missing sm1 its this urge which keeps ppl from doin NC...they just want 2 find out wats goin on with the ex ,coz earlier we knew each n every detail of their life...and suddenly thr is this vaccum n a mad mad curiosity. only consolation is that it works both ways....and im 100% that they feel all itchy to find out wats goin on with us 2. hmmm to think abt it...why hasnt he changed his password till now?oh well........watevaa:p
Jmina Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I'm not sure how far into your healing you are (not as in months, but as in stages) and i do know that there is a time when you go into 'searching' this might involve looking into crowds when youre out for your lost loves face, looking up their name online, reading blogs,etc you might not know what youre exactly looking for or why youre doing it but you feel the need to search for them or find something about them etc. When i learnt about this i realised i had been 'searching' and once i knew that it was normal and that its actually a part of the letting go i found it easier to let the searching go. (When i am out i still feel tend to look around a busy area to check that she isnt there before i can relax!, at the same time i wonder how i would handle it and what we would both do if we did see each other. i havnt seen my ex for about 4-5 months since we stopped talking) This searching thing is just what i thought of when i read your post. Take care Jmina
Trialbyfire Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 ariawoman, you've set yourself up for an impossible loop. Why would you want to do this to yourself? The only reason I can see, is that you're now feeling stronger and are ready to address previously unaddressed issues. Edit - you're playing with fire.
sedgwick Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 oh sweetie...i'm so sorry you're going through this! i know exactly what you mean about happily ever after feeling like something that happens to other people (do you find yourself thinking that it must surely have happened to your ex by now, like that once he got away from you he found his true love? i HATE that!) i had a dream last night that i got back together with my ex, and then i woke up and it wasn't true, and i thought, dammit, he's even invading my subconscious. i've never really dreamt about any of my exes before, but i dream about him a lot. DON'T look for him online, if you can help it. i looked at the myspace page of someone my ex knows and saw that he had commented to her (just band to band, not like he was telling her he loved her or anything), but i saw his photo and it set me back. i deleted his friends from my myspace and i just absolutely refuse to look at anything having to do with him anymore. i can't. it would hurt way too much. i need to believe that someday it won't hurt like this. maybe we both do. big huge virtual hugs to you.
Author AriaIncognito Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 but...but... You touched the magic ball. You are blessed. Time to work that mojo. I say you get all gussied up and have a great time. Be observant, open and have a blast. Your ex is obviously an idiot. Forget him. He is so...duh...like...last year. Why do I have such issues with multi quote. Whenever I try to set one orange to include it, it opens a reply window with just that one. I had to do this one weirdly....anyway... Thanks Unders. I hope 2008 really does prove to be my year. I do. It's been a while since I've had a truly good year. We are talkin like, 1997 or 1998 here. I did enjoy my night out tonight with the 2 guys. I wish the one would notice me. I wanted to touch him all night LOL. He did sit next to me in the booth but that's prob cuz he didn't wanna be sitting next to a guy. I sat that way on purpose hoping he'd sit next to me hehehe. Such a nice guy but very quiet/soft spoken and very unlike me. (TP you know him - Greg lol) I'd approve of me dating him hehehe. Somehow, don't think it would happen. We seem quite different. indeed why do we bring it on us.......???? why is there this extreme urge to keep pokin into sm1's life.i think more than missing sm1 its this urge which keeps ppl from doin NC...they just want 2 find out wats goin on with the ex ,coz earlier we knew each n every detail of their life...and suddenly thr is this vaccum n a mad mad curiosity. only consolation is that it works both ways....and im 100% that they feel all itchy to find out wats goin on with us 2. Good question, why do we bring it on ourselves. Maybe because we aren't yet ready to let go. Maybe because in some way, we enjoy the pain. I truly don't know. Maybe we are just truly afraid of letting go for fear of never finding anyone again that we perceive we can love as we did our exes. Maybe it does work both ways Maybe they do wonder what's going on in our lives. only difference is, my ex reads my blog and I know this for a fact because he's admitted it to me. Sure I could take him off my f-list but why? If I'm single and happy, he needs to know haha. I know, he doesn't need to know. BUt if my life is going well, and at some point it makes him jealous and regretful, then i might feel a bit vindicated. I'm not sure how far into your healing you are (not as in months, but as in stages) and i do know that there is a time when you go into 'searching' this might involve looking into crowds when youre out for your lost loves face, looking up their name online, reading blogs,etc you might not know what youre exactly looking for or why youre doing it but you feel the need to search for them or find something about them etc. When i learnt about this i realised i had been 'searching' and once i knew that it was normal and that its actually a part of the letting go i found it easier to let the searching go. (When i am out i still feel tend to look around a busy area to check that she isnt there before i can relax!, at the same time i wonder how i would handle it and what we would both do if we did see each other. i havnt seen my ex for about 4-5 months since we stopped talking) This searching thing is just what i thought of when i read your post. Last time I saw the ex was the end of may. I dont recall the exact date, May 28th maybe? No idea. At least I've not committed that to mind. I do sometimes look for him, but not often, only when it's something there's potential for us both to be at. For the most part, I limit my looking to online, because well, we don't hang in the same groups for the most part (thankfully). I've got friends and he doesn't. He has a girlfriend. That's about it. Soon, he'll be upset with her because he'll still have no friends and want some and want to get away from her. I know it well. He did it to me. ariawoman, you've set yourself up for an impossible loop. Why would you want to do this to yourself? The only reason I can see, is that you're now feeling stronger and are ready to address previously unaddressed issues. Edit - you're playing with fire. TBF - I wish I knew. I really do. You're right, I am playing with fire. And I'm sure I'll get burned. I know there's no good in my knowing what's up in his life. He's discarded me from it without a second glance. This other girl still wants him too and would take him in a second should he want her. (and if he wanted her, well, let's just say, I'd know why he doesn't want me. I've not posed naked for money nor have i slept with several men.) oh sweetie...i'm so sorry you're going through this! i know exactly what you mean about happily ever after feeling like something that happens to other people (do you find yourself thinking that it must surely have happened to your ex by now, like that once he got away from you he found his true love? i HATE that!) i had a dream last night that i got back together with my ex, and then i woke up and it wasn't true, and i thought, dammit, he's even invading my subconscious. i've never really dreamt about any of my exes before, but i dream about him a lot. DON'T look for him online, if you can help it. i looked at the myspace page of someone my ex knows and saw that he had commented to her (just band to band, not like he was telling her he loved her or anything), but i saw his photo and it set me back. i deleted his friends from my myspace and i just absolutely refuse to look at anything having to do with him anymore. i can't. it would hurt way too much. i need to believe that someday it won't hurt like this. maybe we both do. big huge virtual hugs to you. Thanks Sedgwick. I know you're feelin my pain. It's tough to not look for them online, isn't it? I dont know, when it's your last remaining form of communication, you just start to wonder. I am proud of myself when I realize it's been a few days since I've looked, but then the realization makes me crave looking and I cave. I don't exactly know how to break the cycle other than what I've been doing. Going out certainly helps. I had a great time tonight with my 2 guy friends. If I could do that every night, I'd not be looking. Thanks to everyone who has replied so far. Keep em coming. It's icy/snowy/rainy here in the northeast and I'll be bored online tomorrow!
amaysngrace Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 It's icy/snowy/rainy here in the northeast and I'll be bored online tomorrow! Hey ariawoman...you're in my aria. I hate this weather. I think the best thing to do is not go there. I know it's easier said than done but do it. Remove him from your friends list too. Why prolong the agony? It's the last string holding you onto him. Be brave and cut that tie. End it and it won't be there to torture you anymore. Be good at moving yourself forward.
Author AriaIncognito Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 Hey ariawoman...you're in my aria. I hate this weather. I think the best thing to do is not go there. I know it's easier said than done but do it. Remove him from your friends list too. Why prolong the agony? It's the last string holding you onto him. Be brave and cut that tie. End it and it won't be there to torture you anymore. Be good at moving yourself forward. I think we figured out we are like what, 100 exits apart hehehe. It's hailing here. Kinda relaxing to listen to it though. I'm safely indoors and don't need to leave the house until Monday, so I feel pretty ok about what's going on outside. I just wish I had garages for my cars. I feel bad that they sit outside in the cold. (yeah I know they dont care I'm just weird like that LOL) I know I should de-friend him. That makes the most sense. He's no longer on my IMs or whatever, it's just the other places that I dont have friends lists that I need to erase my brain. Only place I have him that I could remove are a blog and the evil MS. I know me, i'd bookmark it before removing it LOL. I have issues. I guess it's why I'm posting :-) Guess we are both night owls huh. Last night I was up til 5am. Hopefully tonight I'll go to sleep soon. I kinda wanna hit 2000 posts this weekend. Maybe since the weather is crappy I'll spend some time on here tomorrow and reply to threads. Maybe it'll make me feel better about my situation too.
Trialbyfire Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 TBF - I wish I knew. I really do. You're right, I am playing with fire. And I'm sure I'll get burned. I know there's no good in my knowing what's up in his life. He's discarded me from it without a second glance. This other girl still wants him too and would take him in a second should he want her. (and if he wanted her, well, let's just say, I'd know why he doesn't want me. I've not posed naked for money nor have i slept with several men.) I've mentioned my theory on LS before but here's how I see the evolution of the healing process. You start out, completely of control, emotions everywhere. This is where the emotional rollercoaster happens, where you go through all the stages, pain, anger, etc. For most people, when the crazy cycling starts to die down a bit, they begin to get on with life, putting the issues away. When they get stronger, they pull them out again and start dealing with issues they haven't completely addressed before. This type of reoccurrence or setback, can happen time and time again, until everything has finally been dealt with. Just don't be one of those people who gets trapped in one of the cycles and can't move on.
amaysngrace Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I know I should de-friend him. That makes the most sense. He's no longer on my IMs or whatever, it's just the other places that I dont have friends lists that I need to erase my brain. Only place I have him that I could remove are a blog and the evil MS. I know me, i'd bookmark it before removing it LOL. I have issues. I guess it's why I'm posting. I was just reading some of your posts from when you guys were together and he wouldn't make a commitment and when you broke up. I also learned what your name is. I think it goes to your dad. I really do. And that's why you can't let go. You're afraid to let go. Did you ever talk to anybody about your dad? And your first step-dad?
purplegurl Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 "Just don't be one of those people who gets trapped in one of the cycles and can't move on." how do we avoid this???
madgun68 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 "Just don't be one of those people who gets trapped in one of the cycles and can't move on." how do we avoid this???Same way you break any cycle.. Do things differently. Try to take a step back and look at what's keeping you in the holding pattern and then do differently. You may need to force yourself to do/not do things for a while, but at time goes on it'll become easier. Don't allow yourself to give up if you happen to slip up.. I have even used this in the past to change thought patterns, although it was quite difficult. Every time I found myself thinking about the past, I'd think of something that pertained to the present. As time went on, my thoughts about the past surfaced less and less.
Author AriaIncognito Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 "Just don't be one of those people who gets trapped in one of the cycles and can't move on." how do we avoid this??? Well, they do say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I suppose the same lies true in TBFs theory and not getting "stuck" in a cycle. I think we are all able to see when/if we are stuck or seemingly in a pattern of bad behavior. It's the matter of then breaking it so that we don't keep ourselves in a bad place. As for amaysngrace's comment - you're right, he never did commit to me one way or the other. When we were "together" he never called himself my bf, when we were apart, he never moved onto the next, he'd bounce around to other exes until he came back to me, seemingly. He still seems to do this by keeping the other girl I've mentioned on a short rope. He's not keeping me on that rope much but his once in a while emails might actually prove to be doing that, if even just slightly. As for the dad thing. I went to counseling back in the day, when my dad had resurfaced to be "my dad". I don't know that it helped. As for the 1st step-father, I never went through anything over him in specific, but the counselling I had for biological dad, was post step-dad 1 lol. I'm not sure what all there is to resolve there. Before my recent ex, I didn't have trust issues in men. I didn't like when they left however, so does this stem back to my father(s) not sticking around, who knows. I assume most psychologists would say it does. Fact of the matter is, no man has proven me wrong in that arena, even if all men supposedly dont leave. So if anything, they are helping me see the same thing. It takes just ONE staying to prove them wrong. This is not coming from a girl that's not had a real relationship with a man. On the contrary. I've got a long history of several long term relationships. They just didn't work out for various reasons. One being we fell out of love, one being I realized we wanted very different things in life, etc. Usually there were very valid and understandable reasons for my LTRs dissolving. I dont discredit them. I just well, I just wish for the one that doesn't dissolve.
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