My diary-day 2 NC

[kitkat289]

Hi guys, Iam writing down my thoughts and would continue doing so because I have to keep myself on the NC track and never want to distract.I will write even when I fail to continue NC(from my side)...

 

Today is my NC day-2.I feel so good that today I have so much other things to think about...most of the time Iam thinking of how much mor work is left and if I'd be able to finish it before the deadline.Iam very much busy at the moment and just realised after talking to a friend that his thought are not even crossing my mind.Just two days ago I used to start tremble with hopes,fears as soon as the clock hit 2am(since that is the time when he expects my call and if he calls,its only after 2am)

Its 2.45 right now and Iam not feeling anything,not at all sad or something.May be its because I talked to a good friend who's so fun to talk to.I was laughing even after putting the phone down.He's just hilarious and its been months that I had such a GOOD time with someone.People around him just yearn to be with him now that he;s graduated and his friends have moved far.

Iam so thankful to God that I have him as a friend and also that Iam a special person in his life.He had messaged me yesterday on a social networking community and asked me to come online but I was damn busy,couldnt even reply to him.Then he had called me but I didnt know it was his number and it was missed because my cell was away.So he SMS'ed me (always lenghty ones...lol) and then I called him up.

He was kinda stuck to me a nd kept on asking me to talk when we ran out talk...he's hilariously funny and even when he was silent,I was just laughing like anything.

But in those 2 hours I felt like he's talking too much.He generally hits the bed at 11pm while Iam awake all night and today he just didnt seem to put the phone down....1 topic ended,another started(all frm his side).I thought he would say goodbye but damn I dont know what was it that made him to say "and tell me more......." everytime I wanted to say goodbye.

And also I noticed that even though he was funny all the while,he was trying hard to know if I was even 1% serious about whatever I told him I think about him...he asked me so many times if I felt he didnt face the break-up with his gf in a mature way or if I thought he didnt treat her nicely..lol.Well he is innocent and whenever I pull his leg,he wants to know if he ever did something bad unknowingly...thats' really sweet of him and his long,long SMSes about his net not working...lol and when it does, he asks me to come online.

I dont know what I should figure out of all this but Iam just loving th attention.Afterall there are not many people who connect sooo well and really care.

When he messaged me"sorry I couldnt reply to you because my net was disconnected suddenly..." I felt so overwhelmed.Nobody cares that much...I mean my ex, who sometimes cut my call and doesnt pick never even SMSes if he;s busy or what.He tells me what he was busy with later only(cos he doesnt bother)

It feels so different.They dont treat you nicely when you are their gf but care so much when you are 'just a friend'.

 

Anyways,finally I realise thesis IS a good thing.It could help me so much in moving on if I had only this thing to do all my life...

[polywog]

Yay, kitkat for making it to NC day 2! One day at a time, keep going, and good job! Bunnies for you...:bunny::bunny::bunny:

[kitkat289]

He called me up last night and taunted me saying "...remember its me..your ex bf!" As if he's the only one who contacts.By the way in last 2 weeks he never called and he only called me when I waited for 2-3 days.I guess may be I year for him more that's why but I didnt regret calling him because it didt matter much as our 1-2 hours long conversation was kind of making the bond stronger and it felt like the good old times.

But then as I got tired of expecting a call from his side I did NC...I mthean its just 3 days but we havent had a good talk for last 1 week so I guess that's the reason he felt I've forgotten him and I dont miss him and all.

 

He was talking mushy things since the start and I felt awkward because I was stressed,was working day and night and hadnt had a nap in 2 days.So on top of it, his behaviour...it was strange.I mean I never imagined he would ever say those things ever again after the break-up and I didnt know how to deal.After sometime of feeling a little weird I just told him not to irritate and he kept on pulling my leg.

He told me he wanted to hug me and stuff and was talking about my smell...how he felt and why he kissed like that always so that he could smell me at the same time...lol I know its so funny but I tried to stop giggling.He looked like the same as he was before....very sentimental,romantic.(Its not that he wanna gain something b all this since he's 1400 miles away from me and used to come once in 2-3months but he had stayed 4 months here in the past 2 years just to be with me.

 

I was so stressed and was completely feeling different while he was actually crying over the phone and kept telling me how much he was missing me and asked me if I remembered what we did this and that time..well he keeps on checking out my memory mostly as he;s a nerd and would remember every silly thing while I hardly remember things like what was happing around us while we kissed or what I said to him during this and that time..blah-blah.

When I had enough of all this, I thought I should tell him in a subtle way to cool down and told him "it would be so hard for you in the future if you keep thinking about those times..." and also tld him that its so refreshing to think of those moments we were together and especially it refreshes me when Iam in tension and have loads of work.It just makes me smile...and nothing much..those days were good memories and dont make me cry anymore.

Iam sure he was pissed because this made me feel Iam kind of moving on and when he was talking to me like Iam his gf...just like before I couldnt take those sweet things and told him that its not a game or something and it cant always be the way he likes it and when he said "ya may be you are somehwere very far from me now...that you dont wanna even listen to me if I miss you."

I dont kn ow what the hell was he trying to say??

Earlier also he;s made it sound like its not for real and we are together like before.Iam the one who was dumped and I have to control myself and my feelings and also remind that he cant do the same things that he did when he was my bf.

I just cant yell at anybody so I had become used to letting him do and say whatever he wanted even after our break-up.I never told him that he has no right to ask about my personaly life and always treated him like he was still the only special person in my life and still he is the same.

But how can he be so selfish that he only comes to me when he feels any loss?when Iam not there around him and dont miss him?

And even when he can say all those 1000 things in the world then why cant tell me that he wants to start again..? or does he want me to start asking him again?What the hell...I wanna kick his #$% seriously and tell him that this is what you deserve if not commitment.

[kitkat289]

I called him 2day and he was acting like I had done something out of the world....I wished I could slap him and make him realise how he had turned my life into hell when I used to call him and he just avoided and hardly called.

Well today also he kept on talking about the good days and even told me few things that I dont remember at all like how I had throwed away his cig and very petty things that dont mean much.I told him that it would be so hard in future if we live with those memories and as both of us are so dumb...we keep talking the same 100 things over and over again,nothing new and still it feels good every day.

 

He's tells me how much it kills him when he imagines me making love with someone else...as If I do want to get rid of him! He knows it that I only want him then I dont know why does h say something that tells me that we dont have a future.I told him that I wouldnt meet him because both of us are so dumb,we would do all th ose things that we would like and then I'll feel so messed up.He asked me as to why I was afraid and I told him it would make harder for us in the future.He said that he wouldnt regret anything that happens and said that we are not fools.He told me we wont do anything like kissing or getting intimate without a reason and if it has to be then there will be commitment with it.

I dont know what to thi nk of whatever he tells me but I still told him that I dont agree with what he thinks,Iam kinda sure that staying away is the best thing to do(when he's in my city for job)

I dont wanna live in "if's and but's "...I wanna tell him how uncomfortable I feel at the moment and it does affect me.Today also I put the phone down after telling him things that he doesnt like to hear,just like last night.

Guys please tell me what do I conclude of all this and Iam so tired of 'changes' and letting him control our relationship the way he wants every time...I cannot think of life without him then I dont understand if he loves me so much then why not ho ld my hand and commit for one more time? Why does he tell me that he wants to meet and then do whatever we feel like doing,why does he always want to go with the flow when I feel so screwed now....tired!

[kitkat289]

I had messaged him after our last conversation "life is hard,dont make it harder..." and he replied "i wont cutie..im sorry,i just felt intimate with you and wanted to relive those moments"

He didnt call me last night and neither I did.I hope he's not playing with me by saying,wanting to do whatever he feels like.I wish he realises that nobody waits for too long and makes some efforts.By the way I have no hopes and these days I realise it more that its not worth giving him another chance...as with time Iam becoming independent and cant settle for anything less.Why would I want to be in a relationship where I cannot fully trust him and be comfortable with things.I cant take even 1% of those things in the future that hurt me no matter how petty they were and if he cannot be exactly the way I'd like him to be then there's no point,the lost trust cant come back ever.

[Numerouno]

Congrats kitkat289 on Day 5.

 

Hang in there!!! You're doing great!!!

[kitkat289]

today is my 15th day of NC and during these 2 weeks, I have only contacted him once in the start after that he had called me few times.He knows I was busy as hell and I really didnt want to call him even If I had time to recharge my cell.

 

Yesterday I had my exam...Iam finally done with my thesis work..it was good.Throughout the day I hoped that he might call me but he didnt...I felt sad bc that's one of the most imp days in my life and he didnt even remember while I always used to send an SMS even when there was a gap b/w us...i never forgot about his exams.It really hurts to see that he knew I was working day and night like an ass on my building project and not even once he wished me good luck for the D day!

 

Int these 2 weeks I feel life has just changed...I just had work on my mind and had been calculating every minute of my day to work efficiently.I think thesis helped me getting him off my mind and Iam happy to have shifted my priority finally...even when I was on my way to home, I realised I wasnt thinking about him instead I was noticing the buildings around me for inspiration in designing.Iam just so thankful to God...may be this is a way to actually move on,just wanna be sure...and really really move on.