shadowsfall Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 Soooo my girlfriend and I are having problems again. This time she went out with her friends to celebrate her completion of finals week for school. She decided to go to her best girlfriend's restaurant along with 2 other male friends (who are attached at the hip) and one more female friend. After drinking there until about 2a.m. she decide's she's gonna spend the night at her best friend's house. The best friend even got on the phone with me to confirm that. Ok, so I told her to call me when she got there. After waiting until 3a.m. I still haven't received a call so I called her. They were all out at denny's at this point so I told her to call me later. She never called back... Instead I woke up this morning with a call from her saying that she didn't go to her best friend's house after all. No of course she didn't, because she went with her 2 MALE friend's back to one of there houses in L.A. to drink some more. When she told me that it seemed as though she didn't feel their was anything wrong with her decision! So in that respect I kind of feel like nothing happened since she's not hiding anything from me. Now just to give you some background on these guys... She has known them about 4 years each so longer then we've been together. So they are actually pretty close and they all work together and hang out sometimes. Now that being said, why after being in Ontario (where she lives) did she opt to go with her 2 male friend's back to one of there houses in L.A. 40minutes away at 3a.m. in the morning? Her response was because she wasn't ready to go home and wanted to drink some more! [/b] Keep in mind she's already drunk at this point! They of course jumped at the opportunity to take my girlfriend back to one of there houses and the three of them drank some more. She never called me once she got there and she ALWAYS calls me whenever she gets home anywhere. That's what really bothers me also. Why couldn't she call me around the other guys to tell me where she was at? She was honest with me about all this but that doesn't make me feel any better! I asked her how she would feel if the roles were reversed and she said she would be upset. Granted she is on her period right now so I doubt very highly she was going to sleep with one of these guys, but that still doesn't justify it. She apologized for making a bad decision last night but I still don't feel any better. Does anyone else see this as a MAJOR red flag or should I just forgive and forget?
Author shadowsfall Posted December 15, 2007 Author Posted December 15, 2007 Does anyone have any advice?
Florida Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 I don't know what to read into it, but had you ever discussed some boundaries about what is and isn't appropriate for your relationship? Seems like if you haven't before, now would be a good time to talk about the no sleeping at opposite sex friends houses, even if other people are there or not.
amaysngrace Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 It seems to me like you have one of two choices here. You can dwell on the situation and keep mistrusting her by questioning her and pounding it into her head that she did something you are unhappy about or you can let it go. She already says she'd be upset if the tables were turned. She already says she feels bad about her judgment call. She already knows she hurt you. But she can't un-do it all now. So the situation won't change. So you have a choice to make. You can harbor bad feelings about her from this one incident or you can give her another chance to see if hurting you is a pattern of hers. Maybe it's not though. Maybe she is genuinely sorry. And won't ever do this to you again. But you won't know unless you let it go. If you just can't do that then you should let her go.
tanbark813 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Definite red flag. Keep in mind that people only lie as much as they need to.
Author shadowsfall Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 had you ever discussed some boundaries about what is and isn't appropriate for your relationship? This has been something that we've talked about many times. She know's I'm very protective when it comes to crashing at her guy friend's houses. I don't care if they have known eachother since the beginning of time, I'm not cool with it. She knew very well what she was getting herself into last night and I only wonder why I still put up with such behavior anymore. You can harbor bad feelings about her from this one incident or you can give her another chance to see if hurting you is a pattern of hers. But you won't know unless you let it go. If you just can't do that then you should let her go I honestly don't feel like I can let it go. And as it stands right now we are broken up There's too many incident's like this that have been questionable over the past 2 years and I think I've just reached my end. We decided mutually to end it today on the basis of how tired we are always arguing about her going out with her friends. IT seems like this is an issue that won't go away for us. I'm constantly fighting my jealous side when she is out, but that is because she always put's herself in inappropriate situations. Male friend's house, sharing a hotel room with the same 2 guy friend's on a trip somewhere, crashing at another male's friend's house down the street with some other friends. This girl is either a very good liar about her remorse for her actions or is just straight up disrespectful. Either way I don't feel I can take it anymore. I just have this voice in the back of my head asking me why I'm making such a big deal out of this, and why I can't let it go. Now I feel as though I might of made a mistake by breaking it off completely... Any thoughts?
randuff Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Usually the first thing your gut tells you is right, or at least in my case it always was. then I would justify that it was ok and I was making a big deal out of nothing. Come to find out I was right all along. Needless to say this was particular for my situation so......
amaysngrace Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Either way I don't feel I can take it anymore. I just have this voice in the back of my head asking me why I'm making such a big deal out of this, and why I can't let it go. Now I feel as though I might of made a mistake by breaking it off completely... Any thoughts? Yeah of course you're going to rethink breaking things off but it sounds like you made the right decision for yourself. She seems to be a repeat offender. She doesn't care what you think or how you feel about it. No wonder why you feel jealous. I don't know what she does with these other guys. It could just be platonic. But the thing is she values her time with them more than she values your feelings about it all. Or she'd be more understanding. Why aren't you invited to go too? It sounds like you could use a break from her.
a-sweetart Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I don't know your history but do you not trust your girlfriend to go out without you? Why must she call you to check in several times a night? Why does she need to have her girlfriend confirm where she is planning on going? That sounds a bit... controlling on your part. I think if you love and trust her then she should be able to go out and not have to "check in" with you about everything she is doing and where she will be. When you are out partying and celebrating and getting drunk "checking in" is not always the foremost thing on your mind. I don't see that she did anything that wrong. If she has been friends with these guys for longer than she has known you then if somthing was going to happen between them then it would have already happened right? Has something happened between them before? Is there really a reason to be concerned when she is with them?
Author shadowsfall Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 I don't know what she does with these other guys. It could just be platonic. But the thing is she values her time with them more than she values your feelings about it all. Or she'd be more understanding. Why aren't you invited to go too? I don't know your history but do you not trust your girlfriend to go out without you? Why must she call you to check in several times a night? Why does she need to have her girlfriend confirm where she is planning on going? That sounds a bit... controlling on your part. If she has been friends with these guys for longer than she has known you then if somthing was going to happen between them then it would have already happened right? Has something happened between them before? Is there really a reason to be concerned when she is with them? Just a quick note we talked last night and agreed to retry things... Here's an answer to your questions As far as being invited along, I have been in the past but we have had fights while being out in public and right now she's blaming me for getting jealous of her friends when we go out, so we're putting the socializing on hold until she can get over it. There was an incident with her though back when we first started dating where she lied to me about going out with one of them to a movie (her long time male friend who's also her boss), and a club with some other mutual friends. She said she was afraid to tell me because of how I might react over a friendly night out. Seemed like a cop-out to me and I resented her for a while after. Recently we all went out again and I tried to put those feelings of anger and jealousy over this guy to rest, which we kind of did. It's tricky though cuz this guy happends to be her boss also but she knew him before hand, it just so happends he got her her current job, a supervisor title, and a raise recently. Also, she and this guy used to text religiously. I'm talking from sometimes 1a.m. to 4a.m. in the morning like 300 times one night! She tells me it's not just her, but that her best friend (his mutual friend also) is texting him whil she is asleep. I've found text's on her phone (I know snooping isn't condoned) from him saying goodnight sunshine, talking about hugs at work. And yea I confronted her about all these things and she seemed to have a decent answer for everything. Such as I took the msg's out of context. OH and Today for example we went to lunch and happened to see him at the same place we were going, and I start getting this vibe whenever she's around where she become's less and less touchy-feely toward me in front of him. It could be paranoia but my gut can't always be wrong can it? All these things have contributed to my concern over this guy during the course of our relationship. Why has he shown SO MUCH of an interest in my girlfriend if it is strictly friendship? I don't believe that this guy has helped her so much professionally, (promotion, raise etc...) and is not looking for anything in return from my girlfriend? Has anyone else experienced this?
Florida Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I honestly don't feel like I can let it go. And as it stands right now we are broken up There's too many incident's like this that have been questionable over the past 2 years and I think I've just reached my end. We decided mutually to end it today on the basis of how tired we are always arguing about her going out with her friends. IT seems like this is an issue that won't go away for us. I'm constantly fighting my jealous side when she is out, but that is because she always put's herself in inappropriate situations. Male friend's house, sharing a hotel room with the same 2 guy friend's on a trip somewhere, crashing at another male's friend's house down the street with some other friends. This girl is either a very good liar about her remorse for her actions or is just straight up disrespectful. Either way I don't feel I can take it anymore. I just have this voice in the back of my head asking me why I'm making such a big deal out of this, and why I can't let it go. Now I feel as though I might of made a mistake by breaking it off completely... Any thoughts? I think it is a big deal, this isn't about trust, you came to an agreement and she broke it many times. Going to trips in hotel rooms with guys, crashing at their house? Whatever- I don't even want to explain why this looks so bad, you didn't like it-she disrespected you many times. This would be a dealbreaker. I'm not sure why you are feeling like it was a mistake?
Florida Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Just a quick note we talked last night and agreed to retry things... Here's an answer to your questions As far as being invited along, I have been in the past but we have had fights while being out in public and right now she's blaming me for getting jealous of her friends when we go out, so we're putting the socializing on hold until she can get over it. There was an incident with her though back when we first started dating where she lied to me about going out with one of them to a movie (her long time male friend who's also her boss), and a club with some other mutual friends. She said she was afraid to tell me because of how I might react over a friendly night out. Seemed like a cop-out to me and I resented her for a while after. Recently we all went out again and I tried to put those feelings of anger and jealousy over this guy to rest, which we kind of did. It's tricky though cuz this guy happends to be her boss also but she knew him before hand, it just so happends he got her her current job, a supervisor title, and a raise recently. Also, she and this guy used to text religiously. I'm talking from sometimes 1a.m. to 4a.m. in the morning like 300 times one night! She tells me it's not just her, but that her best friend (his mutual friend also) is texting him whil she is asleep. I've found text's on her phone (I know snooping isn't condoned) from him saying goodnight sunshine, talking about hugs at work. And yea I confronted her about all these things and she seemed to have a decent answer for everything. Such as I took the msg's out of context. OH and Today for example we went to lunch and happened to see him at the same place we were going, and I start getting this vibe whenever she's around where she become's less and less touchy-feely toward me in front of him. It could be paranoia but my gut can't always be wrong can it? All these things have contributed to my concern over this guy during the course of our relationship. Why has he shown SO MUCH of an interest in my girlfriend if it is strictly friendship? I don't believe that this guy has helped her so much professionally, (promotion, raise etc...) and is not looking for anything in return from my girlfriend? Has anyone else experienced this? Why did you decide to re-try things? And now she is getting religous texts from her boss/friend 1-4AM with cute messages? Okay-this is why when she was disrespecting you (see my post above) you should have stayed away, this is what follows with people like this. Why oh why am I not surprised? Please-PLEASE dump her. And stay that way. I bet you are feeling pretty on edge- what's it going to take? Why are you putting your feelings aside? They are warning you big time! By the way-going out with her male friend/boss to the movies alone is officially a date in my book. Good luck, let us know what happens (dump her)
ross37 Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 i agree...break it off. My gf and i have been dating for a year now and i dont like it when she goes out without me. So i know how you feel.
WIGIRL Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 she sounds inconsiderate and flirty, and you sound controlling and place blame on others. Very bad combination. End it before it gets more expensive later.
Krytie TV Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 From prince to pauper in three little posts... it's a shame. You looked promising there for a minute OP.
Lionblade Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 i agree...break it off. My gf and i have been dating for a year now and i dont like it when she goes out without me. So i know how you feel. You don't like it when she goes out with you? Some people in here are controlling and full of jealousy I'm afraid. She was just drunk celebrating her finals! (Just like I will be doing very soon ). Sometimes when I'm drunk, I just pass out at a friends place or forget to call. It's the same with most of my friends so I think you need to drop that insecurity you seem to have. If she has never cheated on you, then you should give her more consideration. Plus you said she knew those guys for years, so that's most likely before you two met I'm assuming? I hate it when bf's or gf's try to "mould" their partner into what they want them to be as if they're clay instead of just accepting them for who they are.
Legend Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I agree with several others. It's one thing to go out and drink with girl friends, and sure some other guys might be present. But drinking alone with other guys is unacceptable. I'd end it, or definitely have a serious boundaries discussion.
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