K50D Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 How is it done? I have a number of friends who I love as brothers, who I've known for nigh on 20 years, one I've known my entire life. I'm positive they like me or they simply wouldnt bother with me, but the main issue is, although they like me, they dont respect me... There have been countless times that Ive helped them when they have been in trouble, be it financially or relationship-wise, Ive been there to help them through it, but as soon as it becomes my turn to need help can they be found? no...Half of them dont want to know my problems and the other half are so narcissistic it could almost be commical! For instance, I sat with one of my best friends until 6 o'clock in the morning, helping him plan how to woo the girl of his dreams, going through every detail to give him the best shot, another friend Ive sat with and talked over weeks about his relationship problems and how to get around them, but...As soon as I come in and ask for help in persuite of the girl of my dreams they tell me good luck and thats that, I wasnt asking them to sit with me into the early morning, I merely wanted them to come to a bar for maybe an hour... I'm mocked for wanting to intergrate myself into my university classes, I'm talked over in conversations, my views and ideas are laughed at or never taken seriously, and although they claim its all in good fun, I'm the one who's not enjoying myself... To be honest I really dont understand, I'm a nice guy, I never have a bad word to say about anyone and I help when I can and yet I think thats my biggest fault...the sayig "nice guys finish last" seems rather fitting...But I dont want to be an a*se, I like who I am, bar a few minor physical attributes... This brings me back to my main question, how on earth can I gain the respect of my friends? is it possible? do I just need new friends? (these are the only friends I have) anyone else having a similar problem? all comments welcome
Flavia Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 That is hard when you feel like you are building up a relationship with people that you should be able to depend on when its your turn to be helped and supported, and discovering thaey can't be depended on. It often feels like the person that cares the least about the friendship is the one in control of the friendship. And sarcasm is one of those tools people use to be be mean or in control while appearing in thier own mind to be funny. And calling them on it seems to make us more vulnerable than we would choose to be.
HouseOfCards Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I think I understand what you're feeling here. In my group of friends, there are a couple people who tend to be mocked or taken for granted more than others because of some sort of quirk in their personality. My advice would be to simply call them out on their hypocrisy. Next time that they try to ditch helping you with a problem, ask why you should bother to be there for them if they're not going to return the favor. They might surprised or confused by the statement, but telling them when you think they're not being a dependable friend shows a lot of confidence, and that kind of self-confidence should lead to respect.
Phateless Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 They're not real friends. It doesn't matter how long you've known them, ditch them and make some real friends...
kkthxbye Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I think I understand what you're feeling here. In my group of friends, there are a couple people who tend to be mocked or taken for granted more than others because of some sort of quirk in their personality. My advice would be to simply call them out on their hypocrisy. Next time that they try to ditch helping you with a problem, ask why you should bother to be there for them if they're not going to return the favor. They might surprised or confused by the statement, but telling them when you think they're not being a dependable friend shows a lot of confidence, and that kind of self-confidence should lead to respect. I liked this reply a lot. Its certainly easier said than done, but I think if you tried this, you'd be very pleased with yourself. I know I would be. And I certainly would respect you for not letting me take advantage of you til' the wee hours of the morn. I would respect you standing up to me, and give me food for thought. Let us know how the progress goes-if they don't get the message, I'd go with plan B above me and ditch them, and get new friends.
Phateless Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I think I understand what you're feeling here. In my group of friends, there are a couple people who tend to be mocked or taken for granted more than others because of some sort of quirk in their personality. My advice would be to simply call them out on their hypocrisy. Next time that they try to ditch helping you with a problem, ask why you should bother to be there for them if they're not going to return the favor. They might surprised or confused by the statement, but telling them when you think they're not being a dependable friend shows a lot of confidence, and that kind of self-confidence should lead to respect. Just like a family, any sort of group has established roles. If one member tries to change their role, it upsets the balance of the entire group, and the entire group will work to put that person back into their assigned role. I guarantee you that if you try this approach with these people they will do almost anything to shut you down, and it will shock you. But that's good, that will make you realize what these people are really like and why you need to ditch them and find your friends. I've been through this myself, I know what I'm talking about. This approach seems good on paper, but try it and report back.
HouseOfCards Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Phateless might be right, but I don't see why it isn't worth a try. As long as you actually do still want to be friends with these people (and it seems like you do), this is an issue you need to bring up as soon as possible. At the end of the day, if they really are your friends, they'll realize what they're doing wrong and they'll correct it. Just don't try to change your personality to appease them, because that'll just make things worse.
Phateless Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Phateless might be right, but I don't see why it isn't worth a try. As long as you actually do still want to be friends with these people (and it seems like you do), this is an issue you need to bring up as soon as possible. At the end of the day, if they really are your friends, they'll realize what they're doing wrong and they'll correct it. Just don't try to change your personality to appease them, because that'll just make things worse. If they really gave a flying **** about you, they would never treat you this way in the first place. Move on...
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