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Posted

It is bothering me that he confessed to cheating so that we WOULD break up, but lied to spare my feelings.

 

I did bluff him and told him that I had direct evidence. And the real truth was 100 times worse than what I actually found out from the other woman.

 

I did want to break up and had become overly critical and judgmental. Everytime I mentioned that I felt like I wanted to break up he wanted to work on the relationship. He did stop contact with the OW---she told me this.

 

But I can't help but think that his confession was a weapon of destruction.......what does LS think?

Posted

Hmmm... it sounds to me like at that point he felt he had nothing left to lose... Basically, you convinced him you already knew, so maybe he was hoping honesty would save your relationship. The fact that he went NC with the OW shows that he was giving it a shot, at least on some level, he was probably trying to make it work.

 

You could be right though, it's possible he came clean to both end it and unburden himself of guilt... closure...

 

Hard to tell what he was thinking... I don't know the guy...

 

Usually, they(cheaters) will only tell you what they think you already know, at least not until they feel they have to tell you the whole truth. If you managed to get the full truth out of him early after d-day, your interrogation skills must be quite formidable!

 

I will say this though- count yourself lucky that you DID get the whole truth. It gives YOU closure- at least you know exactly what happened and can make decisions based on that. Knowledge is power, and they usually refuse to give that up. It's frustrating as hell when you don't know the full depth of the betrayal, the details allow you to fully know what you're dealing with... or no longer dealing with.

Posted

Because I realized that I do love my wife. I wanted to mend our relationship and if I didn't come clean with her it wouldn't be based on reality.

Posted
Because I realized that I do love my wife. I wanted to mend our relationship and if I didn't come clean with her it wouldn't be based on reality.

 

I thought you came clean with her because the OW was calling your house.

Posted

Here's my 2 cents: Affairs are fantasy relationships. They're always on their most charming best behavior. The affair partners exaggerate the good traits in their lovers and the bad traits in their spouses so they can feel entitled to screwing around on the side. They sail along like their on vacation on a luxury ocean cruiser.

 

When they affair is waning or has ended, reality hits them full force and they come back from Fantasy Island in a rowboat. Then they most often dump the other person and try to reconcile with the spouse, but sometimes they go back to their lovers once the dust has settled.

 

Don't believe that he isn't seeing her just because the OW says so, though. They often lie as being a good liar is necessary to execute an affair successfully. I think my H resumed the affair (briefly) although I never had any solid proof and he never owned up to it.

 

I believe affairs themselves are always intentional and meant to cause harm to the spouse. At some point you think about your spouse and you proceed. Affairs are well thought out and carefully planned. The confessions, however, are not always intended to hurt the spouse.

 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this horror. It hurts, I know.

Posted
Here's my 2 cents: Affairs are fantasy relationships. They're always on their most charming best behavior. The affair partners exaggerate the good traits in their lovers and the bad traits in their spouses so they can feel entitled to screwing around on the side. They sail along like their on vacation on a luxury ocean cruiser.

 

Very true. However, the best behaviors exhibited by OM/OW may show us what we are missing in life.

Posted

feelingtorn: I respect your opinion, but when you live with a person 24/7 you cannot possibly be on your best charming behavior all the time. The good times are good, and you accept the bad times. That's how it is supposed to work. If you are truly missing something from your marriage, you don't go climb in bed with someone else to get it. You tell your spouse about it. You fix your marriage. If the spouse ignores you, or otherwise can't provide what you need, than you get out of it before you start a new relationship. Why destroy the faithful spouse because you are not getting what you need? What purpose does it serve?

Posted
feelingtorn: I respect your opinion, but when you live with a person 24/7 you cannot possibly be on your best charming behavior all the time. The good times are good, and you accept the bad times. That's how it is supposed to work. If you are truly missing something from your marriage, you don't go climb in bed with someone else to get it. You tell your spouse about it. You fix your marriage. If the spouse ignores you, or otherwise can't provide what you need, than you get out of it before you start a new relationship. Why destroy the faithful spouse because you are not getting what you need? What purpose does it serve?

 

 

AMEN!!!!!!

Posted
I believe affairs themselves are always intentional and meant to cause harm to the spouse. At some point you think about your spouse and you proceed. Affairs are well thought out and carefully planned. The confessions, however, are not always intended to hurt the spouse.

 

I agree. :)

 

I think turning to a surrogate relationship partner is more often just an alternative coping mechanism for the individual as a means to avoid dealing directly with a problem by either resolving it or putting permanent closure on it. Whether the problem be their own or something that has gone awry in the relationship. It’s passive/aggressive escapism.

 

Sometimes it’s a passive/aggressive act of spite ... a way to consciously or subconsciously exact ‘revenge’ on your primary relationship partner for not fulfilling your “needs” in some way. While on the other hand not quite having the courage to fight your battles out in the open. A conflict avoider’s favorite means of feeling as if they’ve regained the upper hand in the relationship and reclaimed some their dignity and personal power back.

 

Sometimes it’s a passive/aggressive way to push your partner to the edge so that you can finally shock/scare them into paying more attention to you without actually having to come out and beg for it. After all, a jealous partner proves by action that they still care more than an ambivalent one does.

 

And sometimes it’s just a passive/aggressive method to deliberately strike the final suicidal blow that ends a relationship you don’t have the courage to walk away from yourself. Some people find it more comforting to assume the role of “victim” and be put out of a relationship rather than the bad guy who deliberately walked out on it. Especially if you can then blame your spouse (or your affair partner) for leaving you no other choice. After all, if you believe you have no real control over your situation, than you can hardly accept accountability or responsibility for what happens to you. It then conveniently becomes the other guy’s fault.

 

But I can't help but think that his confession was a weapon of destruction.......what does LS think?

 

Maybe a weapon of self destruction ... or some bizarre cry for attention.(???) Only because of the way it all went down. Especially since the minute he GOT the attention he wanted from you, he’d disengage with his affair partner. Then, when suddenly things weren’t right in his little world again, he’d go back. And only because he was cornered into coming clean with you and probably would have been happy to string you along for as long as he could have gotten away with it.

 

I think what you have experienced was a lesson in “empathy” and not so much Karma or poetic justice. As a matter of fact, good fortune has smiled upon you because you received the information in plenty of time to dodge the proverbial “till death do us part” bullet! (read you other thread ;))

 

Gotta say, it doesn’t sound like this guy’s much fun to be in a relationship with. I just don’t think people like him are cut out for the task (yet). Better that he stay single until he grows up (like you) and finally figures out just what it is that he expects from himself and others. Until then, I think (in time) your life will become a much happier and peaceful place without someone like this in it.

 

I’m glad for you AND sad for you all at the same time. How is that even possible???

:confused::confused:

Posted
feelingtorn: I respect your opinion, but when you live with a person 24/7 you cannot possibly be on your best charming behavior all the time. The good times are good, and you accept the bad times. That's how it is supposed to work. If you are truly missing something from your marriage, you don't go climb in bed with someone else to get it. You tell your spouse about it. You fix your marriage. If the spouse ignores you, or otherwise can't provide what you need, than you get out of it before you start a new relationship. Why destroy the faithful spouse because you are not getting what you need? What purpose does it serve?

 

I wasn't trying to justify cheating.

  • Author
Posted
I agree. :)

 

I think turning to a surrogate relationship partner is more often just an alternative coping mechanism for the individual as a means to avoid dealing directly with a problem by either resolving it or putting permanent closure on it. Whether the problem be their own or something that has gone awry in the relationship. It’s passive/aggressive escapism.

 

Sometimes it’s a passive/aggressive act of spite ... a way to consciously or subconsciously exact ‘revenge’ on your primary relationship partner for not fulfilling your “needs” in some way. While on the other hand not quite having the courage to fight your battles out in the open. A conflict avoider’s favorite means of feeling as if they’ve regained the upper hand in the relationship and reclaimed some their dignity and personal power back.

 

Sometimes it’s a passive/aggressive way to push your partner to the edge so that you can finally shock/scare them into paying more attention to you without actually having to come out and beg for it. After all, a jealous partner proves by action that they still care more than an ambivalent one does.

 

And sometimes it’s just a passive/aggressive method to deliberately strike the final suicidal blow that ends a relationship you don’t have the courage to walk away from yourself. Some people find it more comforting to assume the role of “victim” and be put out of a relationship rather than the bad guy who deliberately walked out on it. Especially if you can then blame your spouse (or your affair partner) for leaving you no other choice. After all, if you believe you have no real control over your situation, than you can hardly accept accountability or responsibility for what happens to you. It then conveniently becomes the other guy’s fault.

 

 

 

Maybe a weapon of self destruction ... or some bizarre cry for attention.(???) Only because of the way it all went down. Especially since the minute he GOT the attention he wanted from you, he’d disengage with his affair partner. Then, when suddenly things weren’t right in his little world again, he’d go back. And only because he was cornered into coming clean with you and probably would have been happy to string you along for as long as he could have gotten away with it.

 

I think what you have experienced was a lesson in “empathy” and not so much Karma or poetic justice. As a matter of fact, good fortune has smiled upon you because you received the information in plenty of time to dodge the proverbial “till death do us part” bullet! (read you other thread ;))

 

Gotta say, it doesn’t sound like this guy’s much fun to be in a relationship with. I just don’t think people like him are cut out for the task (yet). Better that he stay single until he grows up (like you) and finally figures out just what it is that he expects from himself and others. Until then, I think (in time) your life will become a much happier and peaceful place without someone like this in it.

 

I’m glad for you AND sad for you all at the same time. How is that even possible???

:confused::confused:

 

Your thoughtful post brought up feelings in me that I had not fully considered before and now I need to resolve. An honest analysis would include me detailing my fault in the relationship and how I waited for him to screw up so that I would not be obligated to marry him. He did awful things but I should have told him about my misgivings instead of using P/A escapism myself. I am crying victim and the only thing that I did differently was that I did not cheat. I was looking for the answer to did he really love but the more important question was did you love him like you should have. That would be ...No. I am done playing the victim and there are no winners when two people get together that do not belong together. I learned a lot from this post and I know that it was not fun being in a relationship with him. It was a drag. Who is at fault? Both but I should have ended this misery a year ago. I will never use another human being to fill the empty places in me.

Posted
I waited for him to screw up so that I would not be obligated to marry him.

 

All you did was to give him rope... he didn't have to go and hang himself.

 

You weren't doing that 'you better read my mind or else' thing were you? No man can pass THAT test!

 

Anyway, that was a great post by Enigma. Much to think about there.

 

For men, I think it often has little to do with the primary relationship at all. It's about their own ego, it's primarily sexual and not emotional in nature, and it doesn't matter if every aspect of the relationship is fantastic in every way, because it's not coming from being dissatisfied. Instead, it's because of feeling inadequate themselves. Spite or resentment usually have little to do with it, although there may be an unconscious element involved.

 

You still sound like you're blaming yourself...

 

the only thing that I did differently was that I did not cheat
.

 

What a difference!

 

Whatever you may or may not have done wrong, it gave him absolutely no excuse at all to do what he did. If a man has the cheating mindset, he will cheat. Period. Until he no longer has that mindset, and that's IF he ever grows beyond it. There is nothing you can do to change it, or prevent it, because it's a problem from within. It's like being insane. In a very real sense, it IS being insane.

If you are wondering if you were 'good enough', try not to, those "what if"s will keep you stuck where you are emotionally, they are an obstacle.

Posted

I agree with the other's, you may not have wanted to marry him, yes you should have told him, BUT he would have cheated anyway. I am sorry but when someone cheats it is a CHOICE, they did not just fall into bed. They know all along it is wrong and proceed anyway, FOG or no FOG, adults know the difference. DoI believe you can cheat if you are IN LOVE with your S, NO I do not. I believe you can love your S, but when you are no longer in love, that is when the "Attraction" for another is able to leak through the crack and begin.

 

Love is a choice not a feeling, so is cheating ! If he confessed you did much better than the others here. Most of us unfortunately NEVER get the full truth or even half for that matter, we get what what the cheater feels we can handle....so, just look at it this way....you are free now by YOUR choice, not his !

  • Author
Posted
I agree with the other's, you may not have wanted to marry him, yes you should have told him, BUT he would have cheated anyway. I am sorry but when someone cheats it is a CHOICE, they did not just fall into bed. They know all along it is wrong and proceed anyway, FOG or no FOG, adults know the difference. DoI believe you can cheat if you are IN LOVE with your S, NO I do not. I believe you can love your S, but when you are no longer in love, that is when the "Attraction" for another is able to leak through the crack and begin.

 

Love is a choice not a feeling, so is cheating ! If he confessed you did much better than the others here. Most of us unfortunately NEVER get the full truth or even half for that matter, we get what what the cheater feels we can handle....so, just look at it this way....you are free now by YOUR choice, not his !

 

Thank you and this has helped quite a bit. I cobbled together the reponses and conceptually it makes perfect sense. In the complex world of human interaction, it also makes sense. I am reading Blink. It illustrates why children have a better read on people than most adults. They look in the eyes and watch the actions of adults....talk is cheap.

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