shayna Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 Big question. Its been almost 6 months and I still have no idea how to fall out of love with the man I thought I'd marry. Any words of wisdom?
Curmudgeon Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 Big question. Its been almost 6 months and I still have no idea how to fall out of love with the man I thought I'd marry. Any words of wisdom? I don't think you can fall out of love. Most of us don't have that kind of control over our emotions. What we can do, however, is think of other things when thoughts of an ex start to intrude. Over time, the love will fade because it's not getting fed and nurtured. Eventually you can also grow beyond a person. That can happen even when you're together but it's easier when you're apart. You become more emotionally independent of them and one day you realize that while you may still care for them on some level, you don't truly love them anymore.
devastatedagain Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 Hi Shayna - This is a great question; one that I have been trying to answer myself for the past 9 months since my ex-wife and I separated. Although I am far from being "over" my ex-wife, there are a few things that have helped me stay on an even keel. First, exercise has been EXTREMELY helpful to me. I work out 30 minutes a day, 6 days a week and it has helped me to feel much better about myself. Also, I get a considerable amount of attention for it, which is always nice. Second, I get out with my friends as much as I can; usually at least once per week. When I was married, I often turned down my friends when they wanted to go out. Now, I go out whenever they ask, regardless of how I feel at that particular time. Third, I do a lot of writing. Whenever I start to feel as though my emotions are getting the best of me, I write my frustrations in the form of poetry in a journal (LOL, this journal has about 150 entries at this point!). In any sense, putting my feelings down on paper has helped to take the edge off when I have needed it. I don't believe that there is a "one size fits all" answer to your question, Shayna and many of the individuals on these message boards are here because they are trying to answer that very question. I think the answer lies within each of us on an individual basis and the trick is to find out what behaviors/cognitions are necessary to move forward. All in all, the only thing that seems to be working for me is "finding myself," a superordinate label that encompasses each of my aformentioned behaviors. When we get into serious relationships, I have found that we gain much, but lose much all at the same time; a common theme in life as every conceivable scenario has a certain level of "give and take." Start taking and gaining back yourself and you will start to lose those feelings of regret and unhappiness.
Trialbyfire Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 You make a conscious effort to shut it down. If you do this each time you think about them, after awhile, it becomes habitual and as time goes on, intruding thoughts get further and further apart. As the gaps widen, you start to focus more on your environment and begin to notice other men around you who might be of interest. As I'm typing this, I'm listening to a CD, which was one of our mutual favourites. I'm thinking about him because of the music and this thread, but more with nostalgia about the happier times, without feeling all the angst. It's a good feeling. This will happen to you too, if you let it.
changchewsoon Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 why do you want to fall out of love in the first place?
marlena Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Time... and like TBF said, making a conscious effort to recover. Last night, I heard our song. I immediately switched to another radio station. I refuse to look at his profile on the dating site where we met. When I get all mushy inside and nostalgic, I immediately bring to memory all the horrible things he had done and said. I try to de - romanticize him in every way. Also, like Dazed said, I go out with friends at least once a week. I put more effort into my work. And of course, I hang out at LS and hopefully I help others out with their problems. It keeps my mind off him. ...and again Time and the knowledge that I have done what is best for me. That makes me very proud of myself. I hold onto that dignity and know I am a better person for it. In time, it gets better, easier and the pain subsides. Before you know it, you hardly think of him and when you do, you are feel amazed at yourself for not thinking of him at all for longer periods of time. You'll be Ok! No one ever died from heartache ..although, I know, It feels like you are. Be patient and things will get better for you. Marlena
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Like said above, it has to be a conscious effort. I am trying to do this myself, but its hard. The more contact you have with the person the harder it is. The heart almost always wins out over the head. If I ever learned anything on my years at this site it is this: 'no contact' is the best way to move on. It is also the most painful, and the hardest to actually accomplish. I can't handle 'no contact' now because of stuff going on in my life, so I am trying to let go in increments. I have to actually list things daily: the actions that showed that he does not love me enough. The words he said that show me that he does not love me enough. I look at this list every day and add to it. It is working, but because I still have an 'unrelationship' with him, it is going very slowly. I am looking forward to the day where I can say "ok, I'm not in love with him anymore and I am ready to walk away." Not easy. Won't happen overnight, or next week, or next month. Let your heart do what it will - you can't control it. You can control your thoughts though. List, remind yourself why you are not together. Force yourself to think about the things you don't want to think about. Envision a future without him. Do it every day. Make efforts to think about why you are not together, not focus on wishing you still were. It ain't easy. That's for sure. I can certainly say I empathize.
mental_traveller Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 The best way to fall out of love is to meet someone else better than your ex. Second best way is to just have no contact at all, even if you still feel as though you want to. Also if you have decent control over your emotions you may be able to just make yourself change your feelings towards them, but this will take a bit of time.
Rooster_DAR Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 Agree with the last two posters, N/C is the best way other than dating someone totally hot, but many times dating is not an option and can make things worse. It's been well over a year for me, and the pain and emptyness are alive and well, but I have made huge progress in a years time. The holidays and milemarkers are the hardest times, try to struggle through them. Good luck.
pigeonsid Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 Get one of your closest friends to give you intensive therapy reinforcing how great your relationship WASN'T. I've just had a friend like that stay with me and it has helped to really get that into my head. My 'perfect' relationship was making me really unhappy towards the end. The guy I am missing is NOT my ex, it is my idealized version of who I wanted him to be. My ex is the one who has made me feel so miserable right now - he is not someone who cares about me or my feelings. He is not someone I should take back. I also thought I was going to marry my ex. I'm beginning to understand that it probably wasn't a good idea, and that I need to look for someone who will actually make me happy. Oh, and Rooster is right - having a rebound fling with someone totally hot also helped. It was sad the next day, because I did miss my ex, but it helped me understand that I can get someone who is even better than my ex. It also just created a real break in my old pattern of thinking. It was a significant event which marked that I really was broken up - I didn't need to be faithful to my ex any longer, I didn't need to hold onto the past or what I had hoped would be the future. And best of all - it has stopped me thinking about my ex all the time because now I'm thinking about the future instead. A future which no longer revolves all around him and what he wanted in life. Happy new year everyone. Let's trust that it will be a good one for us all.
kymberann Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 Yes, make a list of the reasons why you are NOT this persons fiance and he is NOT yours!
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