amsohappy Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 Hi I really need advice on this. I have a serious situation that I am grappling with. I separated from my husband of over 10 years and started a new relationship at the same time. My estranged husband has had a problem with drinking and hasn't held a full time job in years. I supported him financially and emotionally most of our marriage. Also, we had a problem in our relationship, in that we had sex only a few times in the 10 years. At the time of my separation, I started dating a man I work with. He is wonderful and make me very happy most of the time (minor disagreements and he has not been in long term relationship for 10 years. he is also a single father of a 16 year old daughter). We also see long term relationship in the future. We have a healthy sexual relationship. However, I still find myself missing my husband and the unconditional amount of time he has for me and helping me on my career goals and he said he has changed. However, I don't want to risk losing my current relationship if things are the same. I feel kind of stuck in the middle without much leverage to try to see where either relationship will go without risking losing the other. Could you please advise me?
stampdaddy Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 Hi I really need advice on this. I have a serious situation that I am grappling with. I separated from my husband of over 10 years and started a new relationship at the same time. My estranged husband has had a problem with drinking and hasn't held a full time job in years. I supported him financially and emotionally most of our marriage. Also, we had a problem in our relationship, in that we had sex only a few times in the 10 years. At the time of my separation, I started dating a man I work with. He is wonderful and make me very happy most of the time (minor disagreements and he has not been in long term relationship for 10 years. he is also a single father of a 16 year old daughter). We also see long term relationship in the future. We have a healthy sexual relationship. However, I still find myself missing my husband and the unconditional amount of time he has for me and helping me on my career goals and he said he has changed. However, I don't want to risk losing my current relationship if things are the same. I feel kind of stuck in the middle without much leverage to try to see where either relationship will go without risking losing the other. Could you please advise me? Do you have a quarter? If so, "flip it.. Heads for.." j/k Wow, that's a tough one.. If I was you, I would take a good long break away from BOTH of them, spend it with YOURSELF and see what you come up with.. How old are you if I may ask??
OWoman Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 Hi I really need advice on this. I have a serious situation that I am grappling with. I separated from my husband of over 10 years and started a new relationship at the same time. My estranged husband has had a problem with drinking and hasn't held a full time job in years. I supported him financially and emotionally most of our marriage. Also, we had a problem in our relationship, in that we had sex only a few times in the 10 years. At the time of my separation, I started dating a man I work with. He is wonderful and make me very happy most of the time (minor disagreements and he has not been in long term relationship for 10 years. he is also a single father of a 16 year old daughter). We also see long term relationship in the future. We have a healthy sexual relationship. However, I still find myself missing my husband and the unconditional amount of time he has for me and helping me on my career goals and he said he has changed. However, I don't want to risk losing my current relationship if things are the same. I feel kind of stuck in the middle without much leverage to try to see where either relationship will go without risking losing the other. Could you please advise me? Of course he's going to say he's changed! He wants you back, and he knows he wouldn't get you otherwise. If he really has changed, he'll be able to sustain the change and you'll hear from others about how he's changed and you won't have to take his word for it.
Author amsohappy Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 Do you have a quarter? If so, "flip it.. Heads for.." j/k Wow, that's a tough one.. If I was you, I would take a good long break away from BOTH of them, spend it with YOURSELF and see what you come up with.. How old are you if I may ask?? Thanks for the advice! I just turned 35 years old. I am spending this weekend away. But, I don't want to wait too long because I want to keep my momentum going in my life. How long do you recommend that I wait?
Author amsohappy Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 Of course he's going to say he's changed! He wants you back, and he knows he wouldn't get you otherwise. If he really has changed, he'll be able to sustain the change and you'll hear from others about how he's changed and you won't have to take his word for it. Thanks. that's a very good point. However, he says that he wants me to be there for the change. and that we could move forward in our lives together. he says his family will help him if they see us together.
stampdaddy Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Thanks for the advice! I just turned 35 years old. I am spending this weekend away. But, I don't want to wait too long because I want to keep my momentum going in my life. How long do you recommend that I wait? Until you have a feel.. You can't have momentum when you are "stuck".. no what I mean, Verne??
whichwayisup Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Afew months won't ruin your momentum. You need time alone to figure stuff out away from both men. he says his family will help him if they see us together. You mean money wise?
Author amsohappy Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 Afew months won't ruin your momentum. You need time alone to figure stuff out away from both men. You mean money wise? Yes, money and connections, etc.
Author amsohappy Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 Until you have a feel.. You can't have momentum when you are "stuck".. no what I mean, Verne?? good point. I guess I want to start the momentum, but, be sure which direction before I do. I have an idea, but, sometimes I waiver. I want to be firm and move forward.
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Firstly - forgetting the relationship you have with your new fellow - your worst mistake would be to go back to your husband. WORST MISTAKE. Your H is a non-functioning alcoholic whose sucked you dry for YEARS - in every possible way. What man allows a woman to support his lazy, non-functioning ass for 10+ years while he nurses a bottle? He ought to be ashamed of himself. Clearly, he's never felt the need to man up and help himself and help YOU support the family, has he? No, he never felt compelled to do a dam*ned THING to make things better. He hasn't miraculously changed at ALL. That seems to be the mantra of the alcoholic - how much they've 'changed' and want a 'second' chance (and third, and fourth, and fifth and sixth.....) Just like someone in jail who suddenly finds God - until their ass is freed and they're right back to the same crap that got them IN jail in the first place. Your BIGGEST MISTAKE would be to go back to this alcoholic. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. He is an alcoholic and will always BE an alcoholic. That will NEVER, EVER change. EVER. How he chooses to help himself by becoming sober and start functioning as a productive member of society is up to him. Simply whining and crying because you left, and promising you the MOON if you'll only return is the BIGGEST MISTAKE YOU'LL EVER MAKE IN THIS LIFETIME IF YOU GO BACK. Trust me, I know. He needs rehab and he needs to follow that up with counseling and/or inclusion in a 12-step group that will give him the tools, the support, and the courage he'll need to admit that he's powerless over alcohol and start rebuilding his life. ANYTHING LESS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. Promises from drunks mean NOTHING. Don't be fooled, AmIHappy. Don't be fooled.
PLAYBRAT Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I AGREE with ICEAISE........ Totally on the money with this one!!! Alcoholics are great at making promises they NEVER keep. I also would not go back.... Alcoholism is a disease that is NEVER cured. Only 100% sobriety will ensure he is "cured". You or HE can never guarantee that. I can't tell you he will NEVER get sober but he will never do it if you are not strong enough to not go back. You cannt listen to an alcoholic who whines and promises to change. You CAN insist that he go to AA, and sober up...and remain CEAN AND SOBER for no less than ONE year before you will even consider it. In addition it could not hurt you to join AL ANON.......if this is something you would consider doing.
Lizzie60 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Hi I really need advice on this. I have a serious situation that I am grappling with. I separated from my husband of over 10 years and started a new relationship at the same time. My estranged husband has had a problem with drinking and hasn't held a full time job in years. I supported him financially and emotionally most of our marriage. Also, we had a problem in our relationship, in that we had sex only a few times in the 10 years. At the time of my separation, I started dating a man I work with. He is wonderful and make me very happy most of the time (minor disagreements and he has not been in long term relationship for 10 years. he is also a single father of a 16 year old daughter). We also see long term relationship in the future. We have a healthy sexual relationship. However, I still find myself missing my husband and the unconditional amount of time he has for me and helping me on my career goals and he said he has changed. However, I don't want to risk losing my current relationship if things are the same. I feel kind of stuck in the middle without much leverage to try to see where either relationship will go without risking losing the other. Could you please advise me? Wow.. I say take a break. Then you can sort out your emotions... I think you might be 'due' for a nice change in your life... you gave him a lot..and what has he given you? Do you have children? If not, I say take a break.. but do not count on your husband to make you happy... maybe a change would do you good. good luck!
GreenEyedLady Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I still find myself missing my husband and the unconditional amount of time he has for me and helping me on my career goals and he said he has changed. However, I don't want to risk losing my current relationship if things are the same. I feel kind of stuck in the middle without much leverage to try to see where either relationship will go without risking losing the other. Could you please advise me? I bolded what I think this is messed up... You should stay in your current relationship if you love each other and are partners, end of story... Why would your H change all of a sudden if he was the same for ten years? Does he suddenly have a job? He sounds like a moocher and you sound like you want to hold power over someone else, like your H...
Author amsohappy Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 I bolded what I think this is messed up... You should stay in your current relationship if you love each other and are partners, end of story... Why would your H change all of a sudden if he was the same for ten years? Does he suddenly have a job? He sounds like a moocher and you sound like you want to hold power over someone else, like your H... He does have a job now. But, it doesn't pay yet. He is training in some research lab now. He has a lot of connections, so, it might be understandable. However, I do wonder whether he is responsible enough now to find a job that pays no matter what. Also, why do you think I like to hold power over someone else? my current relationship seems to center too much around him and his life now. I'm not sure if that's because he has more responsibilities to take care of his daughter (very understandable and expected, although I do question why she doesn't have a driver's license yet. she's almost 17 years old and her father bought her a car last year and spent many hours on training her to drive.), or if that is part of his personality. I prefer someone who is more balanced and ready to share lives. but, it's difficult to tell now which part is situational and personality.
Author amsohappy Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 I AGREE with ICEAISE........ Totally on the money with this one!!! Alcoholics are great at making promises they NEVER keep. I also would not go back.... Alcoholism is a disease that is NEVER cured. Only 100% sobriety will ensure he is "cured". You or HE can never guarantee that. I can't tell you he will NEVER get sober but he will never do it if you are not strong enough to not go back. You cannt listen to an alcoholic who whines and promises to change. You CAN insist that he go to AA, and sober up...and remain CEAN AND SOBER for no less than ONE year before you will even consider it. In addition it could not hurt you to join AL ANON.......if this is something you would consider doing. He has gone to AA and and rehab and had a sponsor. I don't know if he completed the 12 step program. How could I know if he is sober? Is there a way to tell? I might see him next week or two.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 He does have a job now. But, it doesn't pay yet. He is training in some research lab now. He has a lot of connections, so, it might be understandable. However, I do wonder whether he is responsible enough now to find a job that pays no matter what. Also, why do you think I like to hold power over someone else? my current relationship seems to center too much around him and his life now. I'm not sure if that's because he has more responsibilities to take care of his daughter (very understandable and expected, although I do question why she doesn't have a driver's license yet. she's almost 17 years old and her father bought her a car last year and spent many hours on training her to drive.), or if that is part of his personality. I prefer someone who is more balanced and ready to share lives. but, it's difficult to tell now which part is situational and personality. So he doesn't have a job; he's volunteering... It seems like you like to have power over someone else because you have one equal partner that you're with now, but would prefer your previous partner because of the unconditional amount of time he spent with you and on helping "you" reach your goals...And you say that so much centers on him when the language should really be both of your focus' are on "us"...
Author amsohappy Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 Wow.. I say take a break. Then you can sort out your emotions... I think you might be 'due' for a nice change in your life... you gave him a lot..and what has he given you? Do you have children? If not, I say take a break.. but do not count on your husband to make you happy... maybe a change would do you good. good luck! I don't have children. Actually, this is the reason that I wanted to be in another relationship too.. and was one of the first things I asked the current boyfriend, to make sure that he wants more children. This has been a nice change this year, however it is kind of confusing now. I think I am stronger now and the fog may be clearing soon. I am unsure of the physical chemistry between my H and myself. It was never there. That is something that I understand may not be so important in time. However, the chemistry is there between my boyfriend and myself. I am meeting my H next week sometime. I don't want to risk my current relationship to find out about this. Does chemistry change over time?
Author amsohappy Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 So he doesn't have a job; he's volunteering... It seems like you like to have power over someone else because you have one equal partner that you're with now, but would prefer your previous partner because of the unconditional amount of time he spent with you and on helping "you" reach your goals...And you say that so much centers on him when the language should really be both of your focus' are on "us"... thanks for the quick reply GreenEyedLady. I think that I am focussing on his life more than he is on mine. I want a relationship to be balanced and both helping each other to grow and to love each other. I am almost always there for his family events, etc.. but, it seems to be a strain for him to be part of mine and my activities.
White Flower Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Originally posted by Amsohappy> Thanks. that's a very good point. However, he says that he wants me to be there for the change. and that we could move forward in our lives together. he says his family will help him if they see us together. I nearly choked on my coffee while reading this one. Don't believe it for a second. He may have NPD and he may have inherited it from his parents if what he says is true! If they truly are expecting you back they are only using you as a parent to step in to take care of him for when they die.
Rooster_DAR Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Quote: Originally Posted by amsohappy I still find myself missing my husband and the unconditional amount of time he has for me and helping me on my career goals and he said he has changed. However, I don't want to risk losing my current relationship if things are the same. I feel kind of stuck in the middle without much leverage to try to see where either relationship will go without risking losing the other. Could you please advise me? I bolded what I think this is messed up... You should stay in your current relationship if you love each other and are partners, end of story... Why would your H change all of a sudden if he was the same for ten years? Does he suddenly have a job? He sounds like a moocher and you sound like you want to hold power over someone else, like your H... I flagged the bold part but with a different POV, this sounds like the typical American women who does not know what she wants. Sorry, no offense but that's just how I interpreted it.
Author amsohappy Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 I flagged the bold part but with a different POV, this sounds like the typical American women who does not know what she wants. Sorry, no offense but that's just how I interpreted it. interesting, why do you think this?
Cobra_X30 Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 interesting, why do you think this? He is saying that you need to pick a man and make it work! You don't really have the right to waffle back and forth. Your just going to jerk these guys around and hurt someone.
Rooster_DAR Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 He is saying that you need to pick a man and make it work! You don't really have the right to waffle back and forth. Your just going to jerk these guys around and hurt someone. Bingo! Like I said, that's just how I read the message perhaps that's not what happening though. Cheers1
Author amsohappy Posted December 19, 2007 Author Posted December 19, 2007 Bingo! Like I said, that's just how I read the message perhaps that's not what happening though. Cheers1 Thanks for clarifying. I think it's because it's difficult to trust the honesty of the people involved, at least in this case, it's a difficult and only time will tell.
OWoman Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 I flagged the bold part but with a different POV, this sounds like the typical American women who does not know what she wants. Sorry, no offense but that's just how I interpreted it. Rooster, I can't agree with that. I think it's clear where amso's choice lies. Based on the information she CHOSE to supply: * husband is alcoholic, with a track record of not working, mooching around, and doesn't want kids * Current SO wants more kids, they have a good relationship, things are working. What's to choose? We've been offered no evidence in H's favour, beyond promises of reform. Maybe there is more to it, but by choosing to stack the decks so heavily in SO's favour against H, amso is making it clear where her choice really lies.
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