shockandawed Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I was just having fun with the guy yesterday because asking someones weight is not an acceptable question to ask unless you have a MD after your name! I don't have a problem with having fun with this guy, you ask a stupid question, you get a stupid answer. But you didn't say you were just having fun, you said his stupid question was a deal breaker. I am just merely trying to point out, that you said you really clicked with him and spent over two hours talking, yet completely dismissing him over one bad question is being every bit as shallow. You have his interest and he is simply trying to reassure himself he is not going to get burned.
shockandawed Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 And I don't want to date a woman with a cavernous vagina. While he was classless, why would he ask? Because you were being evasive about what you looked like. If a guy is considering flying into town to meet you, that's a big investment. Who would want to do that not having any idea what you look like? While lacking tact, at best he could ask "are you slender and petite or are you curvy?" I get the feeling you'd be upset at that question too and respond with "what does it matter?" I honestly think pictures should be exchanged when you give him your phone number. This will give him a more complete idea on who he is talking to, and yes, your looks are part of who you are. Body types, along with what you are doing in your pictures, tell a lot about who a person is. My interest will spike if a slender woman sends a picture of herself rock climbing or running even if the face is hard to make out. Why? Because it's living proof her lifestyle will fit with mine. Pictures do tell part of the tale. Totally agree with you Oppath, looks like you are a Curb fan as well, lol!!
lindya Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Awww...what did I miss here? I posted a couple of links to pictures with the suggestion that you send them to him before sending a pic of the real you. Then I thought I'd better take them down, as one of them was a bit offensive. I'll PM them to you if you like.
marlena Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Ok, one last question. So you send pictures. Who is to say those pictures are real. The wonder of the internet is you can be whatever you want to be. Look at my avatar. Do you really think I look like that? Maybe I do maybe I don't. A lot of people take on fake personas on the net and live out their fantasies! My fianl take? Sc*** the picture. It means nothing! Set up a date as soon as possible if you feel you have some sort of connection! End of story!
oppath Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 My fianl take? Sc*** the picture. It means nothing! Set up a date as soon as possible if you feel you have some sort of connection! End of story! But since I am active and athletic and weigh 165, if I show up and the woman ways 225, I have to restrain myself from walking out the door taking my coffee to go. Rude of me? Not more rude than misrepresenting herself. I knew it wasn't going to work. I was under the impression she was around 150, which is still much more large than my preferences. Not saying that is big at all, just not my preference. The point is: no way in hell could anything romantic happen, and I found it extremely distasteful that she set herself up as someone she was not. I ended the date after 15 minutes, told her we weren't a match, and walked away. Shallow? Certainly. Mean? Certainly. But I could equally say she was evasive, manipulative. She misrespresented herself and why would I want to sit an hour with someone who isn't confident enough to accurately portray herself? Why waste my time on someone who can't reciprocate my behaviors: being honest about myself and accurately putting myself out there? If a woman is not comfortable emailing her photo when I have given her mine, that's just not attractive and of course I'm going to think "what is she hiding? Is she a transvestite trying to get me to develop feelings for her before meeting in hopes I'll be too attached and not freak out?"
Author Phoenix11 Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 Ok, one last question. So you send pictures. Who is to say those pictures are real. The wonder of the internet is you can be whatever you want to be. Look at my avatar. Do you really think I look like that? Maybe I do maybe I don't. A lot of people take on fake personas on the net and live out their fantasies! My fianl take? Sc*** the picture. It means nothing! Set up a date as soon as possible if you feel you have some sort of connection! End of story! I hear ya....I with you on this. Timing is funny....the guy that originally inspired this post for me...just IM me. He is over the non pic thing and would like to meet/spend some time with me soon. Yippie:):laugh: I guess there are some guys out there that are not shallow after all!!!!!!
StartingOver07 Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I'm not saying anything about my potential physical deal-breakers....my whole point is you really never know until you meet someone face to face. It's like buying a house....your realtor may send you a listing with a pic....but the pic dosen't do the property justic....you still are willing to check it out and find out that it's the house of your dreams. Phoenix, Ok, lets use your analogy here. A realtor calls you and tells you they have a great house for you. They describe the number of bedrooms, age and general location of the property but refuse to send you any pictures. Now, would you spend the next several weeks arranging financing, shopping for carpet, curtains etc without being provided any picture or chance to see the home? In realty, that is what you are asking these guys to do. That analogy doesn't hold. Phoenix is not asking the guy to shop for a ring, she's suggesting a meeting. Similar to viewing a property, not arranging to purchase it. Pictures go only so far and I wouldn't put too much stock in them. I happened to meet at my gym a man I dated for a while He was reasonably attractive. Ironically he had previously been on dating sites and one evening showed me what he considered to be the "best" picture of him, the one he uses on those sites. I hated it. Had I seen just his pic and not met him, I'd have been convinced that we would not have any chemistry. In fact, we did. Someone who wants to deceive you can do so with a picture or without. There is no way to determine chemistry until you are together.
Author Phoenix11 Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 I posted a couple of links to pictures with the suggestion that you send them to him before sending a pic of the real you. Then I thought I'd better take them down, as one of them was a bit offensive. I'll PM them to you if you like. Yes please...
Art_Critic Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Phoenix, Would you have met the guy if you hadn't already seen his picture ?. Would you have even given him the time of day if you hadn't already seen his picture and accepted him as someone that you are physically attracted to ?
oppath Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I guess there are some guys out there that are not shallow after all!!!!!! It doesn't make me shallow to want to be attracted to someone into whom I am investing romantic energy and emotion. Why? Because for me to makeout with a woman, I need to be physically attracted to her. It's not shallow. Nor is it shallow, if I've shown a woman what I look like, to expect her to behave the same. I'm calling you out. What are your real reasons for not wanting to share? The whole "I don't want my photos being shared around on the net" is very irrational. For the love of god, it's not shallow to want to know what a woman looks like if I've been talking to her off of a DATING site and am planning on meeting her.
Author Phoenix11 Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 And I don't want to date a woman with a cavernous vagina. Ouch! I don't think you would be able to make this type evaluation from a pic posting....
Author Phoenix11 Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 Phoenix, Would you have met the guy if you hadn't already seen his picture ?. Would you have even given him the time of day if you hadn't already seen his picture and accepted him as someone that you are physically attracted to ? I am not physically attracted to him. I like him...I think he is a nice person....he is not repulsive...so he his someone I will give the time of day to. I guess I am not as shallow as most.
oppath Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Pictures go only so far and I wouldn't put too much stock in them. I happened to meet at my gym a man I dated for a while He was reasonably attractive. Ironically he had previously been on dating sites and one evening showed me what he considered to be the "best" picture of him, the one he uses on those sites. I hated it. Had I seen just his pic and not met him, I'd have been convinced that we would not have any chemistry. In fact, we did. Someone who wants to deceive you can do so with a picture or without. There is no way to determine chemistry until you are together. I would say your example, however, is the exception, not the rule. I've met many women online when their pictures were only MEH. Nothing special. Certainly not stunning. But they at least gave me some idea of who I was dealing with. I still had no idea how attracted I'd be in person. Basically, if I like the rapport I have with a woman, and her photos reveal shes not some gnarly hose beast, just meeting my basic preferene of being smaller than me, there is a good chance I will meet her. Guys will meet a woman with so-so photos if they feel some connection. Absolutely. We are not that shallow. We just want a general idea of what she looks like, and if she is generally around our preferences, not a head turner, we will meet her to see what is up in person. Plus, if I'm showing up somewhere in public, I want to be able to recognize the woman I'm looking for!
tanbark813 Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I'm calling you out. What are your real reasons for not wanting to share? My money says 275 wasn't a joke answer.
Phateless Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I am not physically attracted to him. I like him...I think he is a nice person....he is not repulsive...so he his someone I will give the time of day to. I guess I am not as shallow as most. I am actually getting angry while reading this thread. Wanting to find the person you're going on a date with attractive IS NOT SHALLOW! I live in a college town, I meet a ton of girls, I get a lot of phone numbers, and I still am picky about who I take on a date. Why? Because my time is valuable and I am not going to waste it by being in a situation I don't want to be in. I'll take her on a date if ALL of these things are met - cute, cool, intelligent, open-minded, quick-witted. Otherwise, I'd rather be doing other things. You keep falling back on the same argument without providing any evidence. Argument = claim Evidence = support basic speech and debate. If someone can be in a romantic relationship with someone who they are not physically attracted to, that means one of two things. REALLY in love, or DESPERATE. Both of those things are unlikely without meeting face to face.
oppath Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I am not physically attracted to him. I like him...I think he is a nice person....he is not repulsive...so he his someone I will give the time of day to. I guess I am not as shallow as most. It's entirely possible that he won't be attracted to your photos either, but would still want to meet you as long as you weren't a standard deviation away from his preferences because he finds you to be a nice person too. Pictures do not tell everything. But if someones pictures are just allright, the guy will still probably meet you if he likes you as a person. It's not shallow to want to know what someone looks like. If a friend tries to set me up on a blind date, I'll probably ask "what does she look like? What's her body type like?" If we are put in contact I'm not going to call her for two months. I'll call her once and arrange a date in a public place, where we meet at with our own separate transportation. If she wanted to talk for weeks at a time I'd ask her for her myspace or facebook page.
tanbark813 Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 It's entirely possible that he won't be attracted to your photos either, but would still want to meet you as long as you weren't a standard deviation away from his preferences because he finds you to be a nice person too. Pictures do not tell everything. But if someones pictures are just allright, the guy will still probably meet you if he likes you as a person. I agree with this. IMO, most people look better in person than in a pic so as long as the girl looks reasonably cute in a pic I'd meet up with her.
Phateless Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 It's entirely possible that he won't be attracted to your photos either, but would still want to meet you as long as you weren't a standard deviation away from his preferences because he finds you to be a nice person too. Pictures do not tell everything. But if someones pictures are just allright, the guy will still probably meet you if he likes you as a person. It's not shallow to want to know what someone looks like. If a friend tries to set me up on a blind date, I'll probably ask "what does she look like? What's her body type like?" If we are put in contact I'm not going to call her for two months. I'll call her once and arrange a date in a public place, where we meet at with our own separate transportation. If she wanted to talk for weeks at a time I'd ask her for her myspace or facebook page. Agreed. If there's no physical attraction, there's no chance for a relationship, so why waste the time? I have soooo many better things to do. I have plenty of friends to hang out with.
marlena Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Oppath, You are not getting my point, I think. What if she sents you a fake picture, like my avatar, or a picture when she was 100 lbs thinner? She still would have been misrepresenting herself. What I am trying to say is that pictures are not RELIABLE. Anybody can send just about anything. Look at my avatar NOW! Me, ten years ago. Would he know it was ten years ago? Of course not. I could send him my sexy avatar as well and he wouldn't have a clue. You just take the risk if you deem it's worth it, if you feel there is a connection. Not even a risk really. Just a half an hour wasted is all. No big deal. All I am saying is the internet lends itself to deception. Look at my avatar! I sent you a picture. Do you believe it is me?
shockandawed Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I am not physically attracted to him. I like him...I think he is a nice person....he is not repulsive...so he his someone I will give the time of day to. I guess I am not as shallow as most. You still didn't the original question, would you be willing to meet him if you hadn't seen a picture? Look, I really hope this guy finds you attractive and things work out for you. But to call anyone who wants to attempt to validate who they are talking to first as shallow is simply wrong.
marlena Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Oppath, I just sent you a picture! Now do you want to meet up with me? Get my point?
oppath Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Oppath, You are not getting my point, I think. What if she sents you a fake picture, like my avatar, or a picture when she was 100 lbs thinner? She still would have been misrepresenting herself. What I am trying to say is that pictures are not RELIABLE. All the more reason to send a picture. Yes, pictures are unreliable, and what I am arguing is that sometimes I show up and realize I've been duped. However, that is the MINORITY of my online dating experiences. Maybe 2 out of 20 dates. Most people have respresented themselves reasonably well. Maybe they have 10 lbs more, but most people are honest within reason. And if she sends an obvious fake picture, if she weighs 100 lbs more, I will literally walk out the door. But most people are honest, or at least honest enough. If I feel I am being honest and upfront, and a woman is evasive, that is a big red flag. Of course pictures are not 100% reliable, but from my experiences, most times they are reliable enough and most people are fairly honest. If someone is unwilling to exchange a photo, to me that screams she has something to hide. Why would I want to meet someone who is unwilling to say "this is who I am?" And if they say "this is who I am" and I find out they are not, I'll grab the coffee to go. If they aren't quite what I was hoping for, but I like them, I'm going to go on the date and I'm certainly going to stick around for conversation.
shockandawed Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 For me, I think the picture is more about validation than anything. Marlena, To answer your question, I think sending a fake picture is worse than none at all. It's not about the physical appearance, it's about being totally misled. This person is obviously not comfortable about themselves for whatever reason. I am attracted to somone who is self confident, regardless of the physical attributes. An example, a few weeks ago, I was in a local watering hole with a friend. A rather large, probably 250+ woman sat down at the table next to us with her spouse. We began talking and she was funny, intelligent and most importantly, self confident. I told my friend after they left that I would have no problem hooking up with someone like her. He agreed. My point is her self confidence and personality overcame anything else. If you are not sending pics or sending wrong ones, you are clearly showing you have no self confidence. As far as you picture, yes, it is hot. If you sent it along with the factual information that it is 10 years old, then I wouldn't have a problem with it.
Author Phoenix11 Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 It doesn't make me shallow to want to be attracted to someone into whom I am investing romantic energy and emotion. Why? Because for me to makeout with a woman, I need to be physically attracted to her. It's not shallow. Nor is it shallow, if I've shown a woman what I look like, to expect her to behave the same. I'm calling you out. What are your real reasons for not wanting to share? The whole "I don't want my photos being shared around on the net" is very irrational. For the love of god, it's not shallow to want to know what a woman looks like if I've been talking to her off of a DATING site and am planning on meeting her. You are calling me out! Ha! Do you know what happened to the last person that did that.....No really...I am just a one on one tpye of person....I exude something that can not be captured in a picture. I want to have the opportunity to share this with someone I have made a connection with, before I any opinions are formulated about my appearance. "For the love of God"....I have accepted that you need that visual stimulation....try to understand that it is not necessary for everyone....and any guy that can get pass that and agree to aleast meet without a pic first has scored major bonus points in my book. So can we now take off the boxing gloves?
lindya Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Yes please... ah....you're not established enough to receive PMs. Unless you've disabled the facility. The pic thing....I get what you're saying about the superficial/shallow element of it. On the other hand, sometimes it's less about whether you find someone hot or not, and more about whether you just warm to the way they look. You might not look as good as you'd like to look in photos. Some look better in the flesh - others photograph well, but are disappointing in real life. Generally, though, photos do give a fairly accurate representation of what you look like in real life. Things like hairstyle, clothes, facial expression etc...people want to see that to get a broader picture of your tastes and your personality. We do, after all, express ourselves in non verbal ways that show up in pictures but not in words. As far as the "what do you weigh?" thing goes....he probably is afraid that you weigh 200 pounds. If he's a nice, genuine guy, he might be afraid that if the two of you met up and he got a shock (eg because you were enormously obese or in some way disfigured) that he'd have a visible negative reaction which could be distressing for you.
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