lbj123 Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 I posted last week about my boyfriend who broke up with me out of the blue, saying he has committment issues and that he was having doubts about our relationship. He is currently away on a business retreat. Tonight I am having a birthday party. My actual birthday isn't until next week, but I will be away so I am celebrating with friends tonight. Last night he called me from out of the country to say that he was bummed to be missing my party and he hopes I have a great night. He said that he was thinking about me and he got a birthday present for me on the retreat that he knows I will love. He asked if he could take me out for a birthday dinner when he gets back. I point blank said to him "For someone who told me they didn't want to be my boyfriend, you sure are doing a lot of boyfriend-y things." He laughed and replied "I'm just trying to be nice and I know how much you love birthdays." I told him to call me when he's back and we'll make a plan. I am really unsure about how to proceed. I don't really understand what his intentions are. My thoughts are that he misses me so he is trying to show that he cares, but I can't help but think that he is just not ready to be in a relationship. If he was questioning it that much that he ended it, there must be something missing for him, no? I would love to get back together and make it work, but I almost feel like the tables have turned...now I feel nervous about being in a relationship with him. I am thinking that when we do see each other, I am going to tell him that I am not ready to get back together. Is that a bad idea?
bluepoppy Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 I would love to get back together and make it work, but I almost feel like the tables have turned...now I feel nervous about being in a relationship with him. I am thinking that when we do see each other, I am going to tell him that I am not ready to get back together. Is that a bad idea? Of course you're nervous about being in a relationship with him. He broke up with you, he's hurt you and damanged your trust for him. I think you're right to want to take it easy, and take your time deciding if you want to be back with him. He should be able to understand that
compassion42 Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 awww....I think he sounds pretty wonderful and very thoughtful to think of you while he is so far away. I do understand your hesitancy but it sounds like you are pretty strong and can speak your mind when needed. My advice would be to try not to panic, take things slow and see what happens.
Author lbj123 Posted December 15, 2007 Author Posted December 15, 2007 C42 - thanks for your positive outlook!!! He really is a special guy and I am usually a tremendously positive person, but for some reason, I feel like I really need to proceed with caution. As much as I hate the game playing, I feel like he really needs to have a significant amount of time without me in order to come to the result of wanting to commit. I just think that the more he misses me and wants things to work, the more he will value what he is missing. Is this a bad way of thinking? And if I am going to go this route, any suggestions on how to distance myself? Should I decline plans? Flat out tell him that I am having my own doubts?
compassion42 Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 I think you really have to be careful. You don't want to distance yourself too much and push him away completely. That's why you should give him some type of reinforcement and keep him motivated to pursue you. Go out with him when he returns but just don't throw yourself completely at him...keep your cool but be yourself and let him continue to realize what a wonderful person you are and that he wants you in his life-he can't do that if you stay away.
Author lbj123 Posted December 15, 2007 Author Posted December 15, 2007 Thanks, I think your advice is right. I really don't want to distance myself from him at all...I just don't want him to think he can end things and start things up again whenever he pleases. I think I'll just be myself but hold off on being physical for a little while.
Author lbj123 Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 So, last night I had my birthday party and ALL of his friends came. I've become close with them so it was great to have them there. I was talking with one his best friends who said to me "J is a complete idiot for letting you go." He proceeded to tell me that this is not the first he's ended things abruptly, but that he really thought we were great together and was really upset we he heard that J had ended things. He let me know that he told J that he thought he was being stupid and making a big mistake by ending it (which obviously I was thrilled to hear!) He told me that he thinks J has a lot to learn about relationships and love and he said that he thinks J is clueless when it comes to understanding his feelings. I was actually pretty shocked that his best friend was telling me this, but the two of us do have a good friendship and I think he was just trying to be nice and helpful. He also told me something interesting that I didn't know; that J was really overweight when he was younger and when he finally lost the weight, which wasn't until college, he started getting a lot of attention from girls for the first time in his life. He said that, because he was such a late bloomer, sometimes he thinks that J isn't ready to give up that attention from lots of women, (J is a very attractive man now) but that he was surprised when J told him it was over because the whole time J had nothing but the greatest things to say about me. I didn't tell him anything about my contact with J because I really didn't think it was appropriate to talk to his best friend about it. He ended the convo by telling me "Don't be too sad about J. You are an awesome girl and you should be with someone who fully gets how awesome you are". It was really sweet of him to say those things, but it kind of put a red flag up. His best friend was basically tellng me that J really has lots of things getting in the way of making a commitment. I am so confused. Oh, btw, his best friend is happily married so it wasn't like he was saying all of these nice things in an attempt to pick me up. As I just reread this I saw how that might be a thought that people may gather from all of the things he said...
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