chall24503 Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 Alright I can admit to my mistakes in my marriage, Married almost 6 years come next month and seperated for 4 months. I was not a perfect wife and had my own problems that I have been working out. I dont like blaming my child hood for my marriage issues but feel that it is a big role. I have admited to my family my abuse and came out all last year and this year with some bad stuff that happend. I did this because I wanted to work on loving me again as a person and being a good mother and wife. I was not open and honest to my husband during our marriage and he has trust issues. However I never cheated on him, even while we are seperated. I posted on here before and the advice has been great. During the seperation I get sick with a kidney illness, and well prognosis is good at this point and is treatable and will have a full recover to put behind us. I will be working on this illness for the next 6 - 8 months but all is good. The past 4 months I have sat and cried in this house with our kids wanting my marriage to work. I find out that since our seperation he has been with another woman. This was after he moved out. He was faithful before. Also during our seperation he has been over the house off and on making love to me. Which in one way gives me hope but he says that he doesnt trust me and doesnt know if he will ever trust me. I was not 100% honest in the marriage and he doesnt accept that. So I accept that yes I have some issues and honesty is very important. However I never cheated and remain faithful. Back to the turning point this week, Sunday I wrote a deep long letter to him. I told him I knew that he had been with someone else during seperation and that I felt that was cheating regardless of us seperated we are still husband and wife and married. That I loved him and wanted to forgive him and trying really hard dealing with the pain. Well he reads the letter and hits home. He calls out of the blue and wants to talk, first wanted to talk about our son then it lead to us. Yesterday we meet at the house, kids were gone and went back in forth about trusting. He said that he can not give any promises but will try and work on the marriage. He said that he doesnt trust me and doesnt know if he will ever trust me. He has always had trust issues from the start and I guess I am the salt to his wound. His mother cheated on his dad with brother inlaw and my husband witness that as a child. He doesnt trust and any imperfection is seen as cheating. That is what I deal with. I am no saint and have my problems and feel it is a ticking time bomb. So now I am at a point that I have been wanting this to work and feel have some slight hope but dont know if I want it to work. I am mixed up about it. I am like how dare he go and do that with everything that is going on and tell me he doesnt trust me. I may not be able to trust him. I have not started to date anyone as I am not ready but at a point where why should I keep putting myself through this mental stuff. Why not move on and be done with it? I feel he truely doesnt see he has a problem. That he is still looking at me with it. So when he told me yesterday that he wil try to work on the marriage,I cried and hugged him. I was so thankful that there is hope. I want my family together and to work but still feel that I will be the one trying to prove myself to someone who will never trust me. I am lost right now with my faith and my marriage and dont know what to do. I am faithful to my marriage and that is all I have going for me. It is not standing on much. I thank you for any advice given.
Ronni_W Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 Is he not trusting you because you did not have the emotional strength to reveal your childhood abuse to him? If so, that is more a case of HIS lack of understanding and compassion about how traumatic that experience is. There are books and other resources you could offer him, so that he can be more supportive of you rather than see it as something he can "blame" you for. And you are displaying lack of understanding and compassion for the circumstances under which he was with another woman. You can choose to see it a number of different ways, besides the one that does both of you the least amount of good! You were separated, he was not living at home, you both had been through a very stressful time, he didn't have the best coping skills to handle all of it. Unless you can each feel more empathy for the other, there won't be any chance for forgiveness and there'll always be trust issues. Yes, there are a lot of childhood issues for both of you but that will only stand in the way if you each allow it to. You each get to decide what you want, about that.
LakesideDream Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 First your husband doesen't have "issues" he doesen't trust YOU. Why? What did you do to lose his trust. You carefully skirted around that subject with that catch all, new age word "issues". I am a rare guy here who doesen't consider starting a relationship when legally seperated "cheating". I know that will draw some ire. I have never been "seperated", so I don't have personal experiance, it seems to me that being legally seperated prior to divorce is just that, "seperated". Another thought. Why do you think that being faithful is the only thing you have left in your marriage? There is just to many holes here to give any advice!
Author chall24503 Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 First your husband doesen't have "issues" he doesen't trust YOU. Why? What did you do to lose his trust. You carefully skirted around that subject with that catch all, new age word "issues". I am a rare guy here who doesen't consider starting a relationship when legally seperated "cheating". I know that will draw some ire. I have never been "seperated", so I don't have personal experiance, it seems to me that being legally seperated prior to divorce is just that, "seperated". Another thought. Why do you think that being faithful is the only thing you have left in your marriage? There is just to many holes here to give any advice! My husband has trust issues with women, has been since we were dating. I knew this. He has always went above and beyond to find something wrong with what ever I was doing. I put myself in stupid situations because I felt if I told him the truth he would flip out and I lied about little things and little things become big things and there you go. I did not help matters. My issues were that I was not honest with myself about my past and didn't love myself because of my past. I was abused as a child and have issues from that. It has taken during the course of the entire marriage for me to work out my issues. I have always been faith to him but have not been honest about small stuff and have no excuse for that. That is my down fall. I pushed him out of the house because I was not taking any more crap from being thought of as a cheat. He started it in front of the kids and I wanted him to seek help not for just him but for both. He went to the extreme filled for separation and I did not sign. He gives me false hope by coming home and having relations through out our separation. If he was so over it, then why come home and do that. I feel like this was all my fault at times then at times I don't. I don't know what to feel anymore. I want my marriage to work. That is what I want.
Recommended Posts