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topsekkrets

By topsekkrets
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topsekkrets Member

topsekkrets

Posted
Posted

I'm new to the forums,

But I need some help.

 

I have no clue where to even post,lol.

My bad if it's in the wrong place but I have this problem I don't even know where to begin with.

So i've been going out with my girlfriend for almost 11 months and when we first started she told me everything about her past,her first boyfriend was an abuser and then the next used her for horrible things,you should know what I mean by that.

 

Then the last boyfriend broke up with her and she became vunerable.

Knowing this a stray guy came in and also used her for bad things..but only once..

 

She told me everything about her sexual past..and it bothers me to this very day.

 

It's causing problems and I love her alot.Thing is I can't even take it though.She tells me she would do anything to take back past mistakes and that her life didnt start until she met me.

 

But for some reason it's not good enough for me,it still bothers me so much.

I feel so selfish and inconsiderate for it,I can be very mean about it tho.

I'm not a mean guy either,I helped her through every step of the way and treated her good.

I love her alot and I never want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

I've seen guys in similar situations,I just need my own advice.

I just need your help.

Mezzi Established Member

Mezzi

Posted
Posted

If it makes you uncomfortable and its going to be lingering in your mind then I say maybe its best to end it.

Or maybe you guys can get couples counselling.

ElvenPriestess Established Member

ElvenPriestess

Posted
Posted

I have a question. What is it that bothers you? The thought of her with other guys in the past or the fact that she's been so badly HURT by these people?

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topsekkrets Member

topsekkrets

Posted
  • Author
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Both of those things bothered me.

 

Then I have another,if she wasn't willing but she couldn't say no..

Is that considered rape?

ElvenPriestess Established Member

ElvenPriestess

Posted
Posted

Do you want me to give you a legal answer? As long as the woman says "no" then it's considered rape. In my eyes if she made ANY verbal desire to not do it, even something like "I don't want to go this far" and he persisted, it COULD be considered rape. But realistically, I guess just ask yourself if she made a clear point that she did NOT want to. And that he understood. If a man OR a woman persists after it being clear, it is rape. So with that I think you can come up with the answer, as you know more details than I do.

 

If you're upset over these things because you don't like to see her hurt, that's a normal reaction to one person caring for another's well-being. Just be careful of how you express those feelings. Be her comforter, let her know it's ok now, that those things are in the past.

If the anger is anything of jealousy or insecurity, it's got to go. It will damage both of you, and you have to realize her past was before you ever were with her. If you can accept these things you can work things out. If you can't learn to accept these things then it will be very difficult. Hope that helps you at least a little.

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topsekkrets Member

topsekkrets

Posted
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Posted

Wow,

You helped me out alot,

You do give great advice (:

 

Thank you for the help,even tho I still want to see what other people would say,I like yours the best.

 

It's true I should work it out,but it will take time.

I can already tell we might have some small fights here and there about it,

I've helped her become a person again,I've taught her how to say no.

Even if she doesn't need me anymore I feel I helped her get back on her feet.

 

But theres one thing I have realized,no matter what you say people are going to do what they think is right,even if it means disagreeing with a really good answer.

 

But I don't think this is the case,you have helped (:

 

I want to know one more thing tho,would the situation change if you were to know we were young,such as range from 17-19.

ElvenPriestess Established Member

ElvenPriestess

Posted
Posted
would the situation change if you were to know we were young,such as range from 17-19.

 

Well that depends. If this girl was under age and the males of her past were of age, then it would change greatly. Statutory rape. But other wise, not really. I mean the younger you are I'd say the more there is to learn and experience. But it doesn't change the fact that you obviously care about her, and you have a very enlightened attitude on "no matter what I know I've helped her." My advice still stands.

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topsekkrets Member

topsekkrets

Posted
  • Author
Posted

hm,

Well I know she didn't want to,

but she never said it,

 

I think i'm just trying to find a different excuse around the whole situation

:\

 

but I now know that I do need to help her.

and continue to.

 

I think i'm just going to believe that "young people are stupid and make mistakes" it's all I have to go by.

ElvenPriestess Established Member

ElvenPriestess

Posted
Posted

How about editing to "all people make mistakes?" That would be much more accurate. We often try to find hidden truths or possible alternate meanings to easier soak something into our heads and hearts. Take it for what it is. Realize that forward is the only road left to travel. And the past will only hinder you.

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topsekkrets Member

topsekkrets

Posted
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You changed my view on things,

Going towards me wanting to leave her,

to me wanting to help her more,

 

Your very good with your words :p

ElvenPriestess Established Member

ElvenPriestess

Posted
Posted

Anytime, that's what we're all here for. ;)

Phateless Established Member

Phateless

Posted
Posted
I'm new to the forums,

But I need some help.

 

I have no clue where to even post,lol.

My bad if it's in the wrong place but I have this problem I don't even know where to begin with.

So i've been going out with my girlfriend for almost 11 months and when we first started she told me everything about her past,her first boyfriend was an abuser and then the next used her for horrible things,you should know what I mean by that.

 

Then the last boyfriend broke up with her and she became vunerable.

Knowing this a stray guy came in and also used her for bad things..but only once..

 

She told me everything about her sexual past..and it bothers me to this very day.

 

It's causing problems and I love her alot.Thing is I can't even take it though.She tells me she would do anything to take back past mistakes and that her life didnt start until she met me.

 

But for some reason it's not good enough for me,it still bothers me so much.

I feel so selfish and inconsiderate for it,I can be very mean about it tho.

I'm not a mean guy either,I helped her through every step of the way and treated her good.

I love her alot and I never want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

I've seen guys in similar situations,I just need my own advice.

I just need your help.

 

Do you want my honest, non-pc opinion?

 

Sack up, get over it, quit being so insecure! It was in the past, she's with you now... wtf man?

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topsekkrets Member

topsekkrets

Posted
  • Author
Posted

You totally misunderstood me then,

I'm not insecure,

I'm trying to figure why these things bother me when they shouldn't.

I'm simply asking for help.

Not be called names.

 

Just because things get to someone like this doesn't mean they have get up and go left in them.

 

I'm not saying i'm going to do anything extreme like leave her.

I was asking help from others who have had the same situation and what they did to help them get over it.

Phateless Established Member

Phateless

Posted
Posted
You totally misunderstood me then,

I'm not insecure,

I'm trying to figure why these things bother me when they shouldn't.

I'm simply asking for help.

Not be called names.

 

Just because things get to someone like this doesn't mean they have get up and go left in them.

 

I'm not saying i'm going to do anything extreme like leave her.

I was asking help from others who have had the same situation and what they did to help them get over it.

 

I see. Well the more diplomatic way of saying exactly what I said is -

 

You have to figure out WHY these things bother you so much. Is it a jealousy issue? Is it a problem of seeing her in a way you don't want to see her? Do you want to rescue her from her past somehow? What exactly is it about her past that makes you so uncomfortable?

 

My hunch was that it made you jealous/angry to think of her with other guys, and the underlying reason for that would be insecurity. So I may have been rude, but there's a possibility that I have a valid point.

 

So what you do now is - instead of trying to silence your negative thought process about her past like you always do, you need to follow it all the through to it's logical conclusion. Embrace the bad thoughts and follow them all the way to see where they lead. Once you know that, you can start to unravel the reasons they bother you, and hopefully disassemble them.

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topsekkrets Member

topsekkrets

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I finally see your point,

I'm sorry if I came out as to defensive over the issue.

Just a sensative issue for me.

 

But you do seem to know what your talking about,

I'm going to take your advice and see where it leads me.

Phateless Established Member

Phateless

Posted
Posted
I finally see your point,

I'm sorry if I came out as to defensive over the issue.

Just a sensitive issue for me.

 

But you do seem to know what you're talking about,

I'm going to take your advice and see where it leads me.

 

Not a problem. I was being kind of a dick. ;)

 

Good luck bro! :)

 

I'm very much into being honest with myself. People often try to deny their feelings when they encounter a feeling they don't think it is right to feel, if that makes sense. Once you lay it all out on the table for yourself and know what you're dealing with, then you can make executive decisions with a clear head on how to react. Plus, it's liberating to give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you feel. If the feeling is inappropriate or unfair, you can decide to ignore it and act the way you think is best anyway. Just the act of knowing all that helps the feeling to be not be so intense. At least you're in control that way.

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