Numerouno Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 Day 1 - Female friend (not an ex/I don't want to bonk her) calls and says she's going through a tough time. We meet up that day, her situation is not good, so I help her out/give advice. Day 2 - I text her ("Is everything cool?") I get no reply. In the evening I send another text ("Are you okay?") No reply. So I call her. She says she couldn't reply because she didn't have any phone credit. She says she sorted some things out and now she's doing okay. I think she's lying about the phone credit (I've caught her lying in small ways before) but I just let it slide. Day 5 - I text ("How's everything going?") because I'm curious to see if she's narcissistic/screwing with me. I get no reply. So I call (she says she still has no phone credit!!!) and then she tells me... "You shouldn't place expectations on other friends. Friends contact each other when they feel like it. I go with the flow. If it doesn't feel right I don't do it." Now I can understand this (under normal circumstances) but... She does have money. And she had plenty of time to text/call me. So, I reckon in the above scenario she should have at least made a genuine attempt to contact me. Am I right? I think I am, but I may be missing something as a result of my parochial male perspective. In other words, can you try and convince me that her actions were justified?
Tony T Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 She is impolite and inconsiderate....kind of like the majority of people these days. You have not given sufficient data to indicate whether or not she has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). You are much better off to be kind to yourself (not upset yourself) by doing EXACTLY what she says...make no demands on your friends. If they call or text you, great. If they don't or if they behave in other ways that rub you wrong, you make a determination whether or not you want them to remain your friend. Many people...a LOT of them...are into themselves and their own thing these days. Get used to it. A lot of guys like women like the one you are discussing here. They don't like gals that return calls quickly and are otherwise kind and predictable. Don't ask me why... Also when people are going through a tough time, as you say she is, they act differently and more may be more inconsiderate than normal. Her mind is on her problems and not on making you or anybody else happy. So accept this lady for who she is, what she is and what she does...or simply take her off your list of friends. You have no right whatsoever to demand that she behave any particular way. You are not her mom or dad, supervisor, or other person of authority in her life. Your member name here indicates you consider yourself NUMBER ONE! Maybe you have met your match...hahaha! Good luck!
Author Numerouno Posted December 15, 2007 Author Posted December 15, 2007 Thanks Tony T. Good/interesting comments (ha ha - no I certainly haven't met my match with this particular person!) As a result of what you said, I'm on the verge of a decision (i.e. get rid of her) but just before I do, does anyone else have any other thoughts? The reason I ask is that there is still something holding me back but I don't know what it is. Hmmm, perhaps it has something to do with my signature.... Edit - Feel free to add comments too, if you want to, Tony T!
Trialbyfire Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 I doubt she's NPD but she's rude. If this is the first time she's treated you like this, perhaps she's going through a rough time. If this is consistent treatment, she needs a lesson in manners. On the other hand, why are you hounding her about her issues? She did tell you that she's sorting through her issues so it was best to back off and let her contact you, after that. Or at minimum, wait for a full week or two, before getting back in touch with her. Three days is pretty quick, if these are major issues.
Tony T Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 If her behavior is solely because of the difficulty she's going through and you dump her as a friend, you're a jerk. If you've known her when she was kind and considerate, then you have some behavior to compare her current behavior to. If she is always inconsiderate and rude, don't waste another minute....don't even bother calling her. Just move on and don't look back. Let her see what it feels like not to have her calls returned. Life is way too short to have people in it who aren't kind to you. On the other hand, just be very sure you aren't just wanting to have your butt kissed. I don't like not having my calls returned either but if it's because somebody is going through a lot of stuff I can overlook that. Just how much is this lady's friendship worth to you?
Author Numerouno Posted December 15, 2007 Author Posted December 15, 2007 Thanks Trialbyfire/Tony T. Okay, I've made my mind up. She gets another shot at the title... But only just!!! After thinking about the situation/her/our friendship..... Trialbyfire - Yeah she's not NPD. On certain occasions she's just narcissistic. Overall, you're right she does need a "lesson in manners" and because she's been a friend who has helped me out in the past I'll see if I can get the whip cracking . In addition, in terms of hounding, my faux pas was on Day 5. I should have used another subject (as opposed to "How's everything going?") Remember, my objective on that day was to gain other information, not to actually find out how she was. Or, alternatively, I shouldn't have been so hasty and I should have waited to obtain the information at a more effective point in time. And, just for the record, Day 2 isn't a "hounding day" because she was dealing with a situation that required a quick (i.e. next day) follow up from myself (and herself too!) Tony T - No I'm not a jerk (well I wasn't the last time I checked ) I agree with what you said and yes essentially it did come down to weighing up how much the friendship was worth (an interesting topic which I might pursue further.) Oh, and..... No. I'm not a happy person when people are kissing my butt. Unless they're cute of course . Thanks for your help guys. At this particular time (I recently dumped my GF) I don't want to fall into bad habits and your info helped a lot. Cheers!
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