jilliant Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 and are still in the relationship. Have things gotten better? Do you still worry about him/her cheating again? Are you still upset about what happened? I just am curious how things tend to feel after time has passed and you have forgiven your spouse. I know that I could never forget about it, but I worry so much that I will think about it constantly forever and I wonder if I will ever 100% trust him again and how is that to live a life never truly knowing that your spouse loves you enough not to cheat. I guess no one really knows 100% though, even people that think their spouse would never ever cheat on them...I was one of those people.
abeliever Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Well, my situation is the extreme. But yes foolishly I stayed and no you don't ever really trust them. Oh you can say you do. But the minute they are late or the cell phone rings at a odd time, emails are more than usual you panic. So I did this thru 5 A's yes stupid now looking back. But I too was trying to save my M. Thing is if you stay then you stay and forgive what you can and keep your mouth shut if you want it to work. Go to IC and work on your issues there or come on here. Because if you nag or question them all the time it will be over anyway. Not saying this is the right way, but if you stay then you just deal with it. But also hold them accountable for their part as well! For me, I didn't leave just got mad and he had no consequences for his actions each time out of my own fear. This led him to do it again or not. I will probably never know the answer to that. But it's just my opinion. I am sure you will get many others. Good luck to you. It is a process but it can be saved if you both want to do the work. Abeliever
bish Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 and are still in the relationship. Have things gotten better? Do you still worry about him/her cheating again? Are you still upset about what happened? I just am curious how things tend to feel after time has passed and you have forgiven your spouse. I tried to stay when I found out she was unfaithful during our engagement, this was a whole 7 years after our marriage. I tried to tell myself it was a long time ago, but after a long time of trying to forgive...I decided it wasn't going to happen...thats when I found out about an affair during our marriage....so I divorced her. I decided at that point she was not worthy of forgiveness and there was no way I could. Life is to short to live out with a cheater.
JustBreathe Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 Well it's been about 6 years for me since d-day and we're still married but not at all happy. In fact, my youngest will be out of high school in about 3.5 yrs. and that's when I'm leaving. We hardly communicate anymore and I'm tired of living with it all. I want my own life. A new start. It was not just one affair, he had alot of women. He is damaged goods. Personally, I like myself better than I did before d-day. I am no longer his kick the dog doormat! I don't knock myself out to please him. I feel somewhat like my old self - more independent - if somewhat sad. I can walk away and go do my own thing without feeling guilty or like I'm neglecting his royal Highness. I love that. I am back in school at my ripe old age, determined to finish, and I'm doing GREAT. I've learned alot about being honest with myself. You change as a person from this stuff. I would not go back to what I was before d-day for anything in this world. I wish I could say time heals everything, but I can't. Still, I hear there are couples out there who survive this and actually become closer as a result of trying that hard to save their marriage. I hope you and your H will be one of those couples.
GRITS07 Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 I tried to stay, 3 years of trying until finally, I decided I couldn't let it go so I left. I hate being alone and I miss my husband more than I can ever express, but I'm hoping that will pass because to go back to him keeps my stomach in knots all the time. I can't relax and I look at him with disgust. But, the other side of that coin is that I love him, believe or not, but I just can't be with him. He hurt me so deeply that he has changed my life forever and I will never be the same. And, he's totally 100% responsible for that so can I forgive, sure , can I forget, hell no and I just couldn't live that way.
Author jilliant Posted December 15, 2007 Author Posted December 15, 2007 I'm sorry that you all couldn't get over it. God, I don't know if I can, it certainly doesn't seem at all possible, but it has only been two months. Do you all think it's a good thing to set up a time frame for yourself? Like, if this is really still bothering me in 2 more months, even if I love him, I need to stop torturing myself? I can see that it's really starting to get to him as well, me crying all the time and mood swings of wanting to like kill him LOL. I think that if this continues we will both be tortured for a long time, not that I feel bad for him. Why try to make things work for so long when it will turn out bad?
silktricks Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 I never worry that my husband will cheat again. I know he won't. We did and do talk openly about what happened with both of us. If either of us feel the slightest bit concerned about the other we bring it up immediately and air it out. If someone comes onto him, we talk about it. If someone comes onto me, we talk about it. We talk about our jealousies and insecurities, our worries and concerns. We talk about all of the things we both used to be worried about discussing - for fear of either hurting the other or having our concerns be dismissed. Now we know that all of those things we avoided talking about were far more important than the things we thought were important. I don't worry about cell phones, e-mail or late arrivals. I don't (any more) stress over what happened. I will freely admit that for a few years it was all I could think about. I thought about it night and day. Forced myself to think about it, in fact. Dreamt of it. Roasted about it. When my brain would try to go elsewhere, I would consiously say to myself "You will think about this." I continued in that pattern until I simply didn't think of it anymore. Now the only time it comes into my brain is when I read about something (usually on LS) that is a reminder. I come here - not as much as I used to - but still too often because I was helped by some people here. If I can help even one person in turn, I will feel that I've partially repaid those who helped me. Now I can see that he is the same man I've loved for many years, and who has loved me. The same man I married. He is an honorable man who did a dishonorable thing. The core of the man is not different from the man he always was. He was in a bad place for a period of time and made some very bad judgement calls. He was hurting, and he struck back. He always has been a man who would freely cut off his nose to spite his face, that's who he is and who he always will be. Desire for revenge is alive and well in both of us, but now we talk before we react. I don't like what he did, but I can forgive him for it, once. If it should happen again (though, as I said, I know it won't), he would not be forgiven again. He knows that, as do I. If it would happen again, that wouldn't be my fault, anymore than this time was my fault. It's not my "job" to monitor his actions or his life. And I don't.
silktricks Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 I'm sorry that you all couldn't get over it. God, I don't know if I can, it certainly doesn't seem at all possible, but it has only been two months. Do you all think it's a good thing to set up a time frame for yourself? Like, if this is really still bothering me in 2 more months, even if I love him, I need to stop torturing myself? I can see that it's really starting to get to him as well, me crying all the time and mood swings of wanting to like kill him LOL. I think that if this continues we will both be tortured for a long time, not that I feel bad for him. Why try to make things work for so long when it will turn out bad? Trust me, it will take longer than four months to recover from this. The average is about 2 years. It took me about three. Good luck to both of you. I encourage marriage counseling, though to be honest, there are many people it doesn't help.
reboot Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 Like silk said, 2 months is not nearly enough. You're still very much on the raw edge of it. It's been about 2 1/2 years for me, and yes, things are much, much better. We can talk again, and laugh again, and love again. I wouldn't call us a success story just yet, but we're working hard at it. Do I worry that she'll cheat again? No, not really. I have my triggers, like another poster said, if she's late or there's a strange phone number, I get panicky. But in my heart I KNOW that I'll know if it happens again. I knew the first time but deluded myself and that won't happen again. As LadyJane says, I've seen the monster and lived to tell about it. So why worry about it? You may not ever forget it, but as time passes you'll think about it less, and less, and less. As far as trust, trust is a decision. I learned this here at LS too. How do we ever know we can trust anyone? We don't, we just decide to. You can choose to trust him again if you want to. If you're looking for success stories, stick around, you'll get them. They're here.
jj2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 and are still in the relationship. Have things gotten better? In a lot of ways, yes. We are a lot more open and have learned to communicate our needs better. Do you still worry about him/her cheating again? Oh, yeah. It will ALWAYS be in the back of my mind. Are you still upset about what happened? Yes. Some days are better than others. I just am curious how things tend to feel after time has passed and you have forgiven your spouse. I know that I could never forget about it, but I worry so much that I will think about it constantly forever and I wonder if I will ever 100% trust him again and how is that to live a life never truly knowing that your spouse loves you enough not to cheat. I guess no one really knows 100% though, even people that think their spouse would never ever cheat on them...I was one of those people. I think that is the hardest thing for me. Getting that trust back. We are working on it. It has been about 9 months since Dday and so far he has been doing everything I need him to do to gain that trust back. It is just hard for me to let that wall down and be vunerable again.
Planofool Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 It has been 7 months since I discovered my wife was in an emotional affair with an ex boyfriend from 26 yrs ago. I also discovered they had been in contact off and on all those yrs. To say things have gotten better can't happen in my case...I thought things were great and didn't have a clue what had gone on since we first met. I have found out things about her since before we met that she has not been truthful about. So no, things have not gotten better. Have I forgiven her.....NO.....probably some day I just won't care. I can't say I constantly think about it, but not a day goes by that it doesn't enter my mind. Some days are better than others. I am guessing that 100% trust will never happen again. But trust may not be the correct word. In the past it wasn't that I trusted her....it just never was an issue. I never in my wildest dreams thought this would happen. Maybe that's called over trust. The worst thing is that it has tainted my memories. When I look at a picture of my kids or vacation or whatever and the date coincides with a date from one of his letters she kept, ( I found all of them) it just ruins that photo for me and the memory. So now it is with me all the time. I guess I don't have any answers yet....I guess I need more time to be helpful.
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