Carmen87 Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 My best friend was in a serious relationship with a guy for over a year. Both of them had only been with one other person, both of which were virgins. A year goes by and her bf has some sores appear. It turns out he had type 2 herpes. Both of them were devastated, and understandably so. It is still a mystery as to how it happened, and I don't ever believe he would cheat on her. Anyway, they broke up about 7 months ago and she still hasnt dated anyone. I thought it was because she wasn't ready, but the truth came out to me that she is afriad she might have herpes to. She has never had an outbreak and has tested negative, but the blood tests are unreliable unless you have had an outbreak severe enough and enough time has passed. She fears dating because she doesn't want to have to deal with telling a guy she falls for that she might be a carrier of herpes. It breaks my heart to see her all alone because she is such an amazing person and recently an awesome guy has been chasing aftre her and I know she wants to be with him. She keeps asking me about how to go about telling him and when to tell him, but I dont know how to answer that! It is such a touchy subject. Anyone have any suggestions?
Jilly Bean Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 First off, her BF lied. Or, the other girl he had sex with lied. Regardless... I have been spared the H, but certainly it is abundant, and I know it causes a lot of people a lot of dating stress. I suggest she do this - there are online forums (like this one) for people with herpes. I suggest she get involved with that for support. Also, I don't know what it is called, but I know there is a dating site online for people with herpes. She is not alone, and she just needs to find others who will ease her mind that this is something she can live with and it doesn't need to be too debilitating. But, coming from those without herpes, it doesn't carry the same weight... You're a good friend, btw!
garnet Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 I've been living with it for 15 years, and though I know how horrible it is when you first find out, trust me, it's not as bad as you might think. I can think of two friends off hand that I know have it also, and I'm sure there are probably more that I just don't know about. It does cause you to have to take dating relationships slower, and it is hard to tell someone that. But I can honestly say, I have had many relationships since finding out, and not one man I've told was deterred by it. Their feelings were strong for me before we had the 'conversation' and in each case, they respected the fact that I told them (because let's face it, some people don't. The CDC website says that 1 in 4 women are affected. It's 1 in 5 men because it's not as easy for them to catch it. Please tell your friend that she will get through it!
Author Carmen87 Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 Personally, I think it came from a girl a kissed prior to their relationship. It isn't uncommon for it to be spread to the genitals by the mouth. What's done is done and I feel bad for both of them. I just wish she could tell this guy and everything be ok, but I know that more than likely won't happen as there is such a stigma when it comes to herpes.
Author Carmen87 Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 I've been living with it for 15 years, and though I know how horrible it is when you first find out, trust me, it's not as bad as you might think. I can think of two friends off hand that I know have it also, and I'm sure there are probably more that I just don't know about. It does cause you to have to take dating relationships slower, and it is hard to tell someone that. But I can honestly say, I have had many relationships since finding out, and not one man I've told was deterred by it. Their feelings were strong for me before we had the 'conversation' and in each case, they respected the fact that I told them (because let's face it, some people don't. The CDC website says that 1 in 4 women are affected. It's 1 in 5 men because it's not as easy for them to catch it. Please tell your friend that she will get through it! Have you had sexual relationships with them? and if so,havee any of them contracted it? I am definitely going to show her your post though:)
garnet Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Yes, I had sexual relationships with them, some of them for years (without condoms). To the best of my knowledge, none of them ever contracted it. I have a mild case; my symptoms are barely noticeable and only occur once every few years or so. I think it's sad for your friend not to pursue someone she genuinely likes because of it. It sounds like he really likes her, and if he's a kind, understanding person, he will understand it and move past it. I think any person of substance would have that reaction. Life isn't fair, some people have bad luck even though they have tried to be careful. It doesn't mean that they are no longer of worthy of someone's affections!
Author Carmen87 Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 I wholeheartedly agree with you. I think it will do her good to hear it coming from someone who knows what she is going through. I have told her all the same things but when it is coming from someone who doenst know what it is like, it doesnt have much substance. I think she should go for it, I mean there is no proof she even has it! I think this guy might be understanding and if he isn't, he best treat her with respect over it.
Jilly Bean Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 I think any person of substance would have that reaction. Oh, I think people can be full of substance and still choose not to put themselves at risk of contracting a lifelong STD... I've met two guys over my lifetime who were honest about having herpes. I said good bye to both of them. Does this make me shallow? Or wise? Honestly, if I had a guarantee that I would spend a lifetime with a man with herpes, then absolutely I would be with him and not care. But for dating? Just too risky to end up with something I will have for life, for the fun of a 6 month relationship. Just a choice, not a judgement. We all have to do what is best for us...
melodymatters Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 Oh please, this chick has as much chance of having herpes as any one else this guy might come across. viruses are very strange that way, just because you hung out with somone with the flu or chicken pox, doesn't mean you caught them as well. If she is asymptomatic and blood tests are negative, she's negative. They say MOST people who are sexually active have been exposed to HPV or the herpes virus. Doesn't mean they have it, are carrying it or can spread it. Your poor friend should just relax and use condoms, as much to protect the next guy, as herself from whatever THEY might be carrying.
mortensorchid Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 She should get herselp periodically tested to know if she has something. Otherwise she should relax and be safe everytime she's with someone new.
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