Do I believe her

[jwiowa]

I just found some emails from my wife to an ex boyfriend. We have been married for 4 years and have 2 kids. He is also married. The emails talk about how they are both married and are still getting busy with each other and talking about sneaking away when he is back in town. I confronted her with this and she denies even writing the emails. Although the messages are replied back and forth and to several different address of his. he just wants me to forget about it, do I?

[JamesM]

The fact that you have posted here says that you don't believe her.

 

If she didn't write those emails, then who else could have? Does her denial make any sense?

 

Has she ever shown any other inkling that she may have cheated on you? Did she have any other contact that you know of in that past four years?

 

While I do have an opinion based on what you have said, this may be a bit presumptuous. But yes, to me it looks like she is heading for a possible affair with him.

 

The question is if you do not believe her, what will you do about it?

 

If you do believe her, (as you appear not to do), then you would simply drop it.

 

You could play a detective. Where will they meet? And then you get into key loggers and cell phone tracers. Either way, if you need to go this far, then you probably do not trust her, and marriage counseling is in order.

[Confused9]

That seems quite silly that she is saying she didn't write them. It's her email addresss, etc. I hate to say it but that is the worst excuse. If I were you I wouldn't let this go. As hard as it is to believe...it sounds like she's having an EA which will most likely turn in to a PA if you don't step in or maybe even if you do step in.

 

Try and get up the strength to talk to her about it and force her to tell you the answers. This is NOT fair to you.

[jwiowa]

You are correct in me not believing her at the moment but I love her and want to.

Yes she has ahd contact with him over the last four years and there was one time about a year ago I heard something about her high school reunion and that they kissed. She denied it of course and I just dropped it.

She says she has severed all ties with him as a friend(it hurts her so much but anything for me:rolleyes:) But I got the cell phone bill and shes got calls to him in the middle of the night for 2 hours. He says they did nothing and never will. He says he is in counceling with his wife and his marraige is great. Is it worth it to contact her with the emails that were written?? Or is that to far??

I got a key logger 2 days ago and she has not emailed him since, but has deleted all the other emails that I saw,(when I saw them I forwarded them to my email) But she has visited his myspace and his friends.

 

Her denial makes no sense. I posed the same questioin to her and she just got mad. I disscussed the emails with her dad(we have been pretty close since I first started dating my wife in high school, as I dont have any family) He says he wants to believe her but also poses the same question. I have asked him to kindof stay out of it in regards to speaking to her about the email and just to be there for either one of us.

 

She says whe wants to work this out and wants counseling but we are broke and how do we pay for that, just another stress

[jwiowa]

I keep pressing but I dont want to get in a huge fight. I told her I just wanted honesty and we would go from there. She claims to be being honest. I dont want to force her to do anything but I want to know, I dont want this to be a ? 20 years from now

[norajane]

The emails talk about how they are both married and are still getting busy with each other and talking about sneaking away when he is back in town

 

She's having an affair. And she's lying to you about it.

 

If she won't tell you the truth, go ahead and confront the other man. You have his email. And tell him that your next contact will be to his wife to tell her about the emails.

[jwiowa]

I do have both his email address, phone number , address work everything, not his wifes but that is easy to get. How do I word an email to him, and not have it get back to the W. I just am so sick of fighting with her.

[norajane]

I keep pressing but I dont want to get in a huge fight. I told her I just wanted honesty and we would go from there. She claims to be being honest. I dont want to force her to do anything but I want to know, I dont want this to be a ? 20 years from now

 

So don't bury your head in the sand. I know you WANT to believe her, but unless evil elves broke into her email account and wrote those emails, SHE WROTE THEM.

[norajane]

I do have both his email address, phone number , address work everything, not his wifes but that is easy to get. How do I word an email to him, and not have it get back to the W. I just am so sick of fighting with her.

 

She's screwing around on you, and you are worried that she'll find out you are contacting her affair partner? I say tell her yourself that you contacted him after you speak to him. Or you can go directly to his wife, and forward the emails to HER so he doesn't have time to whip up some lie for her.

[jwiowa]

I guess I dont doubt she wrote them it may be more of I hope its just email bulls**t and not her really having an affair. I know this is very naive of me but how else can I think about this??

[norajane]

You can't just sit back and hope this all blows over. Stand up for yourself - you should not be a doormat when your wife is cheating on you. She already shows little respect for you if she expects you to believe she didn't write those emails. She'll have NO respect if you actually believe her and allow her to carry on as she's doing.

 

Why is she going to his facebook? Why the secret 2 hour conversations? She's probably already told him you found the emails and he'll be trying to do damage control by deleting them from HIS mailbox so his wife won't find them.

 

Do not bury your head in the sand! Blow this wide open so they have nowhere to hide. Contact his wife and send her the emails you found.

[Cobra_X30]

I guess I dont doubt she wrote them it may be more of I hope its just email bulls**t and not her really having an affair. I know this is very naive of me but how else can I think about this??

 

It is naive and you know the truth...

 

The only real question is this. What are you going to do about it?

[jwiowa]

She called him the night I confronted her, and he denied it so the emails are probably already gone from his. I just sent her a message on myspace, I cant find her email address anywhere. We will see if she replies back

[whichwayisup]

I keep pressing but I dont want to get in a huge fight

 

Why not? This is YOUR marriage you're fighting for. So what if you two have afew heated discussions and a fight or two.

 

Look the bottomline is, most cheaters DENY DENY DENY until they are backed into a corner and can't lie anymore. You have the proof that something inappropriate has been going on between them, so the next step is, and let HER know this too, that you are going to contact the OM's wife and let her know what has been going on between your wife and her husband. TRUST ME, that WILL get her to react and confess. You just have to be strong and not put up with her crap. It's end the A and fix the marriage or she can move out. Sorry to sound harsh but the longer she thinks you're avoiding conflict, the more she will continue to deny and lie.

[Confused9]

Who cares about starting a big fight? she is messing around on you!!! Trust me...I tried to take the high road when I found out my x fiance was cheating on me and it didn't do anything but make me look weak and gave him the upperhand and it didn't matter because he still walked out on me and treated me like dog sh*t.

 

I know how hard it is to believe and you want to think it's just bullcrap or someone else is writing them or it's just a joke but honestly think about it for a minute. You heard they kissed...she denied it, you read it page for page...she denied it. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!! Trust me...confront her and stand up for YOURSELF. This is about you. She is putting you last...you need to put you first forget about what she thinks or feels if you confront her.

 

Trust me...my biggest mistake was taking all his crap becasue I wanted to believe that nothing was going on. I wish so bad that I told him from the begginning to F off. I am WORTH MORE and SO ARE YOU!!!

 

Don't put her first. Not until she decides to put you first!

[cj1988]

She is a LIAR, do you want to stay with someone like that? My H was the same way and still is....considering he did not have the BALLS or enough respect for ME and our marriage to come clean instead of lies....I am now after a year through with him....NOW he is nice and sweet, too late BUDDY, go f--- and lie to someoen else, I deserve better and so do you !

[michelangelo]

You need to be smart about things now.

 

Presume hshe is cheating, gatehr your evidence. Press for the truth.

 

she is lying, will do whatever it takes to protect herself and that guy.

 

Do not tell her you know where she is visiting on the internet, and especially do not tell her how you know.

 

Be smart.

[jwiowa]

I want her to come clean, I think this is something we may be able to get over but not if there is no honesty. I told her I have the emails even showed them to her. I hope his wife emails me back. If I dont hear anything from her I will contact him.

I just hate thinking my whole marraige has been a lie. Are the 2 kids even mine??? It makes me feel like total s**t think that of my kids. I have so many question, but i guess thats why I am here and have been blown away by how quick these replies are made. Thanks alot

[jwiowa]

She does not know that I have the keylogger and I wont tell her, it stays completly hidden. I check her email every couple hours, but I cant read any that she hasnt looked at yet or she will know that i have her password

[Cobra_X30]

I want her to come clean, I think this is something we may be able to get over but not if there is no honesty.

 

She cannot love you if she does not respect you! She will not come clean unless she respects you! You cannot recover from this until she respects you!

 

Balls in your court friend. You can make a move or accept the score as is.

 

Do you understand this.

 

Also... Hefty if you are reading this... He needs some tips on cheap paternity testing!!! I'm sorry guy... but paternity fraud is the perfect crime. There is no punishment and you have to pay until the age of 18, even if they are not yours!

[jwiowa]

Does anyone know how to get cell numbers online??? I had a home phone for him and her but it is disconnected.

[cj1988]

It has been over a year now and my H has yet to come clean and I CANNOT live with it and the LIES he holds inside him.....to protect the OW and himself instead of me after I had proof as well is beyond me and my beliefs. This will eat you up inside, so beware of the rollercoaster ride you are about to get on.....it is awful and takes time to get off....when you do, life is so much better and you will have an answer, not the one you were looking for....one even better.....you will realize you do not need one and never have......you know the truth now and are in denail, all normal.....hang in there.....and we are all here for you......you will need us more than you know or could have imagined !

[Confused9]

Wow. I can't belive how scared you must be about the kids situation. I really hope they are yours. I wouldn't go that far yet.

 

But I agree...don't sell yourself short. Get the answers you want. The answers you DESERVE!!!

[michelangelo]

Does anyone know how to get cell numbers online??? I had a home phone for him and her but it is disconnected.

 

Get the online billing access id/password for the account.

 

Might have to get access to the cell phone to do it or have her tell you it.

[Ronni_W]

She says whe wants to work this out and wants counseling but we are broke and how do we pay for that, just another stress

Just a thought...check with local psychotherapy training institutions -- graduating students must do internships or case studies, and those sessions are usually no- or low-fee. Best of luck.