a little controlling issue?

[blondie_xo]

My boyfriend and I have been together, well, it will be a year Christmas Day. Over the past 11 months, our relationship was based on seeing each other every weekend as he was stationed 3 hours away (in the military) and talking on MSN during the week.

 

It all started this summer when he got sent to Winnipeg for 2 months. We would fight constantly and he never used to go out partying and drinking but he suddenly acted like thats all he knew how to do. I would wait by the computer and carry my phone around with me hoping to hear from him, and I wasted so many hours waiting to talk to him for him to just go out anyways. he started saying that there was no point in sitting in talking to me because all I did was make him mad.

 

He got back from Winnipeg, things started to get back to normal. But, I feel since then, everything has changed.

 

He started hanging out with these girls from the area he was stationed in, which was fine, because I have no problem with that. Although, he would ALWAYS mention how much fun he had with her (Amy) and how she is such an amazing person. it was almost like he was testing me or something. Moving on. Amy introduced him to her best friend Brittany and they're pretty close.

 

This is where the problem begins...

 

He got discharged from the military this Tuesday, so my mom and I offered him to stay here until he can afford his own place. He told me that the last night he was there, he couldn't stay in the shacks so he was going to a friend JOsh's place. Funny thing is, he's NEVER mentioned anything about a "Josh", but I trusted him so I didn't ask questions.

 

I go on his lap top, and I was browsing through chat logs (he reads mine, and my text msg's) and I found one with Brittany.

 

HIM:so im staying at amy's tomorrow, haha

HIM: :i told cassie im staying at josh's

BRITT: oh cool, haha

HIM:ill end up slipping and telling her i stayed at amys anyways .i dont care

BRITT:just dont tell her about the part where you sleep

HIM: :who said anything about sleeping, party all night

BRITT :amy falls asleep at parties haha

HIM: haha, she better not with me there, she will learn why not to cause she wont say no and then i can do whatever i want

 

Nice eh? I left that chat log open on the lap top with a nice little note saying that we needed to talk.

 

There was also this part of the msg that I didn't get?...

 

HIM:u suck....just kidding ofcourse. well maybe, you probably do suck i just dont need to hear about it

BRITT .:as if hah - dont be jealous....haha jk

HIM :im not jelous...why would i be

HIM:im not gay so the only way id be jealous is if it was because i dont have first hand experience of your suckiness... which is not the case

 

Which is not the case? What do you get from that?

 

I tried talking to him about this, cause obviously communication is important but he keeps telling me that I am overreacting and jumping to conclusions...

 

He told me he originally was going to stay at "josh''s but his parents didnt know him and so he went to amys. I'm finding that as a really sad sad excuse.

 

That night I told him to get out, or sleep on the couch and insisted we take a little break from each other. He went and stayed at his sisters and somehow got them thinking he is the innocent one out of this ordeal.

 

Another issue we have is him always telling me that I am not responsible enough, mature, and I need to grow up. I am doing coorepondance to get my Grade 12 completed, I'm only 17...and again that is too young to be living with your boyfriend I think... And he is trying to make me become perfect in so many ways, And it's always about money to him. Money this money that.

 

I went out with a friend last weekend, that I havent seen in ages, and her and I went to the movies and he kept texting me asking for money for gas, and got extremely mad because I didn't give him the exact amount he wanted. He should be lucky he even got any!!!

 

So he is staying at his sisters place, and last night he came over to get some more of his clothes. I told him whenever the both of us have a day off from work, we should sit down and talk and discuss our relationship and where we're both standing. He said you were the one who told me to leave, so when IM READY TO COME BACK I WILL. and slammed the door in my face.

 

money is also an issue... He spent a lot on gas to come back and forth every weekend to see me... I helped him out with gas money and even my mom did. I bought myself a new bed, and I use my moms car for transportation... Lately, he said he EXPECTS me to pay for my bed, he EXPECTS me to give him 20 or 40 a week or he wouldn't come see me (but now it's not the case cause he's living in this area), but still. He shouldnt tell me that he expects that from me.

 

When I mention we need to compromise more, he says well I have been all along, you need to start. He always brings the money issue up, saying I don't give anything into the relationship at all.

 

I am getting so frustrated and I don't know what to do. My Mom and my family adores him, but they only see the "mr perfection" act he likes to play.... He told me we're not on the same level, and I need to grow up. I told him he contradicted himself when he said that ---I--- was the one who needed to grow up, and he's right, we are both on a different level. And I'll be waiting til he gets up to mine.

 

Any thoughts or opinions?

[amaysngrace]

HIM:im not gay so the only way id be jealous is if it was because i dont have first hand experience of your suckiness... which is not the case

 

Which is not the case? What do you get from that?

 

 

She gave him a blow job. Britt did.

[blondie_xo]

She gave him a blow job. Britt did.

 

 

So I'm not paranoid when I thought that's what happened then? I asked a few of my friends and they don't know if he actually received one, or if it was close. Either way...

[Krytie TV]

 

HIM:so im staying at amy's tomorrow, haha

HIM: :i told cassie im staying at josh's

BRITT: oh cool, haha

HIM:ill end up slipping and telling her i stayed at amys anyways .i dont care

BRITT:just dont tell her about the part where you sleep

HIM: :who said anything about sleeping, party all night

BRITT :amy falls asleep at parties haha

HIM: haha, she better not with me there, she will learn why not to cause she wont say no and then i can do whatever i want

 

This is the part that matters. The guy is willing to lie to you and then doesn't care about the thought of lying to you. Look, OP, LTRs full of misery and mistrust are based on people and moments like this. Yes, it may be innocent, but what this does is show an extreme lack of respect for you. I would say break up with him, but you would probably defend against that... that's just how it goes around here. But I will say that whatever bad may come in this relationship, you chose to accept it by proceeding with this guy.

 

You have a choice to make, and with every choice comes a consequence. The only question is do you like good consequences or bad consequences?

[Trialbyfire]

Your b/f is a jerk. Kick his arse to the curb and let some Mac truck run over his baggage. He's found a couple of skanks to play with. Regardless of what's really happened, it's only a matter of time before it does happen, and probably with both of them.

 

You're 17 years old. Don't get yourself trapped in a relationship with a guy like this. A relationship is about mutual trust and respect. I see none of it here.

[blondie_xo]

This is the part that matters. The guy is willing to lie to you and then doesn't care about the thought of lying to you. Look, OP, LTRs full of misery and mistrust are based on people and moments like this. Yes, it may be innocent, but what this does is show an extreme lack of respect for you. I would say break up with him, but you would probably defend against that... that's just how it goes around here. But I will say that whatever bad may come in this relationship, you chose to accept it by proceeding with this guy.

 

You have a choice to make, and with every choice comes a consequence. The only question is do you like good consequences or bad consequences?

 

I know he has a lack of respect for me. And I told him that. But then he gets all defensive and goes on a power trip and suddenly my opinions and views on things are wrong and misguided! I feel like I need to break up wtih him and then theres that other part of me that feels like I can't. I'm also young, and there is no way I am going to put up with this. I told him he can try to change me all he wants; I'm not changing myself for him. If he doesn't like me for me (not responsible enough, mature enough, or grown up enough) then he can find someone that appeals more to him.

 

Just the thought of breaking up with him breaks not only my heart, but my Mom's as well. She loves him and cried at the thought of me ending it with him. His sister and his brother in law have been calling me trying to get him and I back together. It's just too confusing!

 

I don't know what to do.

[blondie_xo]

Your b/f is a jerk. Kick his arse to the curb and let some Mac truck run over his baggage. He's found a couple of skanks to play with. Regardless of what's really happened, it's only a matter of time before it does happen, and probably with both of them.

 

You're 17 years old. Don't get yourself trapped in a relationship with a guy like this. A relationship is about mutual trust and respect. I see none of it here.

 

I think you're right...

Why let a mac truck run over his baggage when i can have more fun running it over myself, ahah.

[whichwayisup]

Look the bottomline is, whatever trust you had in him is gone because of the way he is acting and the fact he is up to no good and lying about it, then turning it around making it seem like all this is your fault, that there are problems in the relationship.

 

Do yourself a big favour and break up with him. You're 17 years old and don't need this crap in your life. This isn't about love anymore, it's about self respect! He isn't respecting you at all, infact he is purposely being a jerk-off BECAUSE he can! So, don't let him get away with it...End it and move on, forget what anyone else thinks, this is YOUR relationship, not your family's or friends.

[Trialbyfire]

I think you're right...

Why let a mac truck run over his baggage when i can have more fun running it over myself, ahah.

Pile all his stuff at the exit. Don't back down. Better yet, drop it off so he doesn't have a choice. If you take this crap, it will only get worse because his respect level for you, will go down even further.

 

Get tough with a lying cheater. They never realize what they've lost until they've lost it for good. I know this from personal experience so I'm not just talking out of my rear-end.

 

If he comes back, all his issues had better be fixed, which in many cases, can't be fixed.

 

The most needy, weakest people, tend to fixate on one person, then transfer that fixation on another to bridge off to. Let him learn a life lesson here. He's just lost someone who values and loves him, for a couple of good time skanks. Sayonara...sucker...

[Krytie TV]

Just the thought of breaking up with him breaks not only my heart, but my Mom's as well. She loves him and cried at the thought of me ending it with him. His sister and his brother in law have been calling me trying to get him and I back together. It's just too confusing!

 

You'll learn this sooner or later, but these people's opinions should have NO bearing on your romantic life. And as I said before, I really don't think you will break up with him, but you should.

[Kamille]

I know he has a lack of respect for me. And I told him that. But then he gets all defensive and goes on a power trip and suddenly my opinions and views on things are wrong and misguided!

 

 

It's my understanding that that's what cheaters do: they turn the tables on you and make you believe that you're the one who's deluded.

 

Just the thought of breaking up with him breaks not only my heart, but my Mom's as well. She loves him and cried at the thought of me ending it with him. His sister and his brother in law have been calling me trying to get him and I back together. It's just too confusing!

 

I don't know what to do.

 

I don't know why your mom is so invested in this. Did you tell her about what you found on his chat logs?

 

As to his sister and brother and law, of course the want the two of you to stay together. But it's absolutely none of their business and if they get involved again, you should very politely tell them that your decision is final and that you would greatly appreciate that they stay out of it.

 

But no matter what, it's your life and so it's your decision to make. I'm guessing that your mom will understand and support whatever decision you make.

[blondie_xo]

It's my understanding that that's what cheaters do: they turn the tables on you and make you believe that you're the one who's deluded.

 

 

 

I don't know why your mom is so invested in this. Did you tell her about what you found on his chat logs?

 

As to his sister and brother and law, of course the want the two of you to stay together. But it's absolutely none of their business and if they get involved again, you should very politely tell them that your decision is final and that you would greatly appreciate that they stay out of it.

 

But no matter what, it's your life and so it's your decision to make. I'm guessing that your mom will understand and support whatever decision you make.

 

 

My mom thinks my boyfriend is an amazing person, as I don't see why she wouldn't cause he is so respectful and well mannered in her presence. He's always helping her around the house, offering his help, and just being another "son" so to say. And that's what she see's him as- like her own son.

 

I showed her all of the chat logs, and even the ones where he told me where I needed to grow up and stuff. She tells me that I shouldn't put up with it, and when I am at the end of my rope and ready to break it off, she tells me otherwise. Kind of makes me feel like I am making a bad decision for myself... but at the same time, I feel that sometimes what we see as "bad" decisions turn out to be the best decision we ever made in the end...

 

I'm kind of prefixed on the "what ifs" and all of the other stuff that comes after the break up. This is my first SERIOUS long-term relationship that I've had, which probably makes it harder because since I am young, i feel like it wont ever happen to me again, that I will be alone forever or something. Which I know isn't true but it's something I can't stop contemplating about...

 

I think I need to get a grasp on myself, but right now I am just so stressed out I can't even count straight.

[Kamille]

I'm kind of prefixed on the "what ifs" and all of the other stuff that comes after the break up. This is my first SERIOUS long-term relationship that I've had, which probably makes it harder because since I am young, i feel like it wont ever happen to me again, that I will be alone forever or something. Which I know isn't true but it's something I can't stop contemplating about...

 

I think I need to get a grasp on myself, but right now I am just so stressed out I can't even count straight.

 

I know the feeling, because I have it everytime I broke up with somebody. I'm 31 now, have had 3 long term relationships and the most amazing thing is that my relationships only keep improving.

 

I think that's because we learn from everyone of them.

 

It's normal to feel that you will be alone forever right now - but 100% unlikely. Art Critic, one of the members here, as a signature that goes something like: some day someone will walk into your life that will finally make it clear why things didn't work with anybody else.

 

You deserve to be with a guy who shows respect and who you know you can trust.

 

Is your mother as heartbroken as you are because she is disappointed -or cannnot beleive -that someone she respected and counted on betrayed her daughter? That's understandable, but it doesn't mean she wants you to stay with him, does it?

[Jilly Bean]

I think you should break-up with the BF, AND your Mom. Sounds like your Mom has tolerated a lot of abuse in her relationships, as I can't understand why else she would counsel her 17-year old daughter that she is worthy of this treatment.

 

I don't even know you, and I can tell you as a fellow human - NO ONE should have to tolerate being stepped out on. Regardless of your Mom thinking he's a prince. He's not. He's cheating on you, and being very nasty about it as well. Don't YOU think you deserve better?

[blondie_xo]

I think you should break-up with the BF, AND your Mom. Sounds like your Mom has tolerated a lot of abuse in her relationships, as I can't understand why else she would counsel her 17-year old daughter that she is worthy of this treatment.

 

I don't even know you, and I can tell you as a fellow human - NO ONE should have to tolerate being stepped out on. Regardless of your Mom thinking he's a prince. He's not. He's cheating on you, and being very nasty about it as well. Don't YOU think you deserve better?

 

 

She just hates to see him leave because [A] He has no where else to go and she thinks we're both stubborn and we need to compromise. But time and time again, compromising with my boyfriend always results in him saying... I put money into the relationship, you don't. His world revolves around money. I'm surprised his eyes aren't GREEN. Cause that's all he sees is the GREENS.

 

I know I deserve better. It's just building up that nerve to let everything go....

[blondie_xo]

Is your mother as heartbroken as you are because she is disappointed -or cannnot beleive -that someone she respected and counted on betrayed her daughter? That's understandable, but it doesn't mean she wants you to stay with him, does it?

 

She thinks we can get over this, its jus a minor step in stone... Like i said in a previous reply, she think's we're both stubborn and need to start seeing eye to eye. and stop being jealous or edgy towards each other... But what I am realizing is .. sometimes it's just not meant to be...

 

They say it takes a year to really get to know someone, and well, it's almost a year. and I think his true colours are coming through, and they're not clashing well with mine.

[Trialbyfire]

She thinks we can get over this, its jus a minor step in stone... Like i said in a previous reply, she think's we're both stubborn and need to start seeing eye to eye. and stop being jealous or edgy towards each other... But what I am realizing is .. sometimes it's just not meant to be...

 

They say it takes a year to really get to know someone, and well, it's almost a year. and I think his true colours are coming through, and they're not clashing well with mine.

If you're that concerned about your mother's opinion, dig around in his laptop some more. You'll find more things. Let her read them all. This is no minor bump.

[blondie_xo]

If you're that concerned about your mother's opinion, dig around in his laptop some more. You'll find more things. Let her read them all. This is no minor bump.

 

 

I tried. He has all the other conversations password protected... From what I read from the one he forgot to password protect, well im not sure if I'd even WANT to read the others...

 

I found a picture of them on there too... Nothing explicit, just them I guess being "cute".

 

After i left the chat log open and a nice nasty note beside it... He deleted every single chat log and took his lap top with him to his sisters and took a cord or something off of his desktop that's in my room so I can't even turn it on...

 

I think my best bet is to talk with my mom and set things straight. Tell her it's my decision; if she supports me in it, that's her choice. She's not the one thats dating him.

[Trialbyfire]

I tried. He has all the other conversations password protected... From what I read from the one he forgot to password protect, well im not sure if I'd even WANT to read the others...

 

I found a picture of them on there too... Nothing explicit, just them I guess being "cute".

 

After i left the chat log open and a nice nasty note beside it... He deleted every single chat log and took his lap top with him to his sisters and took a cord or something off of his desktop that's in my room so I can't even turn it on...

 

I think my best bet is to talk with my mom and set things straight. Tell her it's my decision; if she supports me in it, that's her choice. She's not the one thats dating him.

If his actions don't convince you he has much to hide, I don't know what would. What a liar. Bad, bad mojo.

 

Excellent idea. She's your mother and he's a jerk.

[sw]

Liike the other posters said; you are only 17 you will meet so many more guys in your life. Look at it this way, there are probably 100 guys at your school who would love to take you out for lunch and you want to be with the one guy who cheats and doesnt respect you.

 

I know its hard to to take a stand, but if you dont break it off you will never get any respect from him

 

Dont blame yourself, dont make excuses for him, this is the start of an abusive relationship you deserve better and will find better.

[JCD]

"Although, he would ALWAYS mention how much fun he had with her (Amy) and how she is such an amazing person."

 

I think this is why he doesn't want to be with you. I think he wants to be with older fun girls. I don't think you two are on the same page. I think you deserve someone older who respects you and wants a nice relationship with you instead of going to bars and have fun.

[Jilly Bean]

She just hates to see him leave because [A] He has no where else to go and she thinks we're both stubborn and we need to compromise. But time and time again, compromising with my boyfriend always results in him saying... I put money into the relationship, you don't. His world revolves around money. I'm surprised his eyes aren't GREEN. Cause that's all he sees is the GREENS.

 

I know I deserve better. It's just building up that nerve to let everything go....

 

 

I would prefer to see your Mom supporting you more in this. I know my Mom is a pitbull and would probably have already called my bf on this - lol.

 

Compromise is essential - she's right. But this is cheating, and to many people, it is (and should be, IMO) a deal-breaker.

 

I know it's hard - your feelings get confused - you love him, he's not all bad - yet this is a pretty big betrayal, and then taps into trust issues. To me, the relationship would be doomed at this point.

 

I have faith in you...

[Florida]

Hi, What's holding you back from dumping him?

He:

-takes money from you

-laughs about lying to you, then lies again about that!

-is hanging out with dumb ho's and not including you at all either

-is either getting BJ's from them or is about to at one of these secret parties

 

You seem so sweet, and you are obviously a really cute gal who does not need to put up with this. If you need to-post here a lot after dumping him-I'm sure this is too much for you right now, but he is not your BF anymore after acting like that, so you should definitely finish the job.

 

Do you think you will? I hope you do.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Hi, What's holding you back from dumping him?

He:

-takes money from you

-laughs about lying to you, then lies again about that!

-is hanging out with dumb ho's and not including you at all either

-is either getting BJ's from them or is about to at one of these secret parties

 

You seem so sweet, and you are obviously a really cute gal who does not need to put up with this. If you need to-post here a lot after dumping him-I'm sure this is too much for you right now, but he is not your BF anymore after acting like that, so you should definitely finish the job.

 

Do you think you will? I hope you do.

 

i think florida put it best...if you stay with this guy, you're asking to be miserable. you don't need anymore proof that you're dating a cheating, lying jerk. let him deal with his actions on his own, he doesn't deserve to be taken care of by you.

 

oh, and who gives a rat's a$$ if other people think your relationship is so great? they aren't in it, so they don't know. it's up to you, not them, and no matter what they think, you know the truth.

 

if you keep dating him, expect more of the same. even if you don't see it in IM logs, you know he'll be doing stuff behind your back, because you'll have shown him that he can do so without consequence.

[blondie_xo]

Hi, What's holding you back from dumping him?

He:

-takes money from you

-laughs about lying to you, then lies again about that!

-is hanging out with dumb ho's and not including you at all either

-is either getting BJ's from them or is about to at one of these secret parties

 

You seem so sweet, and you are obviously a really cute gal who does not need to put up with this. If you need to-post here a lot after dumping him-I'm sure this is too much for you right now, but he is not your BF anymore after acting like that, so you should definitely finish the job.

 

Do you think you will? I hope you do.

 

 

It's over.... I talked to his sister, she was shocked when I showed her the conversation between him and Brittany. She was even more so shocked that he lied to her and her husband, trying to make me look like I am overreacting whereas I am not.

 

It's kind of sinking in now...

 

I feel horrible.