Fell out of love with my wife...heartbroken

[lonelyandtired]

"Today: I went out with my friend (male friend, not female co-worker). We talked about it all in length for hours.

He's been divorced a few years and is still out rebuilding his life and dating. He said I should leave my wife. He's seen us both unhappy for years and said I should stop thinking of anyone but myself."

 

Yeah, I thought I'd mentioned that he quickly recanted that the next time i talked to him. He said he felt bad for saying that, I would support any decision I made, and has even played the devils advocate himself on my wife's behalf. But mainly since then, he's just listened or tried to distract me.

 

"Last night I was with my friend and his roommate, both divorcess. And my friend, who I've known for 12 years or so said something about my wife in comparison to his roommate's ex-wife personalities. He said he could see his ex-wife being passive agressive and whiney, but my wife is a whole other story. He pointed out how agressive and nasty she can be and how she'll be cruel and cut you right to your core is she's mad at you. Then he described a few instances that he was a witness to. The roommate was agast, and said she sounded "like a manical supervillian or something"."

 

And this really just came up in causal conversation with these two guys...it was more of an exchange between them. it was illuminating for me, but that's not my friend was trying to do. but he's still seen these mess for years, so his viewpoint is valid, even if he wasn't trying to sway me.

 

So looking at your posts from yesterday and then looking at these other old posts I have to say I'm confused. You sound very angry at your W for confronting your friend for advising you to leave her – I'm not sure if you are angry for her confronting your friend about this (which may not have been the best thing for her to do but I'd have to admit that if I thought someone had done something like that I'd probably be upset with them too, out of hurt if nothing else) or if you are angry at your W for, through her "paranoia", hitting the nail on the head about your friend and calling him on it. I'm not sure but either way I wonder if you might think it a little unfair to "bitch her out" so much over something that you know to be true?

 

No, I was totally within my right to call her on it. I know for a fact she's said worse about me and received worse advice from her girlfriends...I've heard it. And yet, I don't call her on that, or confront her friends. That's not my right...she can complain about me to them and they can talk s**t about me to her, but the moment you act like a child and attack other people, you're OUT OF LINE.

 

And she was.

[Rx12578]

Yeah, I thought I'd mentioned that he quickly recanted that the next time i talked to him. He said he felt bad for saying that, I would support any decision I made, and has even played the devils advocate himself on my wife's behalf. But mainly since then, he's just listened or tried to distract me.

 

And this really just came up in causal conversation with these two guys...it was more of an exchange between them. it was illuminating for me, but that's not my friend was trying to do. but he's still seen these mess for years, so his viewpoint is valid, even if he wasn't trying to sway me.

 

No, I was totally within my right to call her on it. I know for a fact she's said worse about me and received worse advice from her girlfriends...I've heard it. And yet, I don't call her on that, or confront her friends. That's not my right...she can complain about me to them and they can talk s**t about me to her, but the moment you act like a child and attack other people, you're OUT OF LINE.

 

And she was.

 

The difference I see though is that you were still together as a couple when you went to your friend for advice and he told you he thought you should leave. He may have changed his mind later but that was still what he told you and you aren't exactly going to forget it (you said your considered his viewpoint valid). Later you did decide you wanted to leave and you told your W that. So she is the one being left and you are the one doing the leaving (that makes a difference on many levels). If she thinks (correctly) that your friend had a part to play in that decision then she is going to be upset with him (and if she comes home one night and this friend is right there in front of her you can't completely blame her for saying something – a saint probably couldn't bite their tongue). Also, she may be going to her friends for support and they may even being saying some mean things about you but that is because her H is leaving her and they are trying to make her feel better. They wouldn't be saying anything if you hadn't started the ball rolling so-to-speak. Maybe this might not sound fair or maybe it's hard to see but there is a difference - you are the one leaving, she is the one being left. You are the one acting, she is the one having to react. That isn't to say everything should be completely one sided or that you aren't hurting or that you don't need your friends or that she has the right to do or say anything she wants. But with some things, like this one, it does matter. I can't help but think that if it was reversed things might look differently. Maybe imagine her unhappily conferring with a good friend of hers and then deciding to leave you. Think about how you would feel about her friend if you found her in your home one evening knowing she may have played a part in your wife's decision. You would probably have a hard time being polite – you might even wonder how she could look you in the eye after stabbing you in the back.

[lonelyandtired]

I can't help but think that if it was reversed things might look differently. Maybe imagine her unhappily conferring with a good friend of hers and then deciding to leave you. Think about how you would feel about her friend if you found her in your home one evening knowing she may have played a part in your wife's decision. You would probably have a hard time being polite – you might even wonder how she could look you in the eye after stabbing you in the back.

 

Funny you should mention that. I read an e-mail a few years ago from her friend (yes, I was snooping...it was at a time I was pretty sure she was cheating on me...so sue me). And it was very critical of me. So I read the other emails in the same thread. My wife was not only bitching about me, but exaggerating and then outright lying....and her friend, the same one she was with the other night, advised her multiple times she should dump me and find a "better man".

 

And I never let her know...either of them. Because i wanted to fight and make it work.

 

Heck, I've even been a friend to this person over the years before and after this.

 

So I do see things from the other side.

 

Also, qute frankly, i'm not a goddamn simplton...one person saying "leave that bitch" doesn't sway me, not does 20, not does 20 saying the opposite. I've searched out advice and opinions of others, but i still make my own decisions.

 

My wife had no evidence that my friend had said boo about anything. No matter what I saidhere about what he said. She was just blaming anyone but herself or our inability to function together. She's blamed my family, my friends, my job, me, the new house, me...anything but her.

[lonelyandtired]

She was just blaming anyone but herself or our inability to function together. She's blamed my family, my friends, my job, me, the new house, me...anything but her.

 

Actually, that was uncalled her and too harsh. This all isn't just her fault, I phrased that poorly (sorry i was rushing out the door).

 

In any case, we've moved past that bit of ugliness. Moving on. I have a play to go see.

[lonelyandtired]

OK, the play was awesome. The girl I met to see it with was nice. When I'm out on my own, I might have someone to go do artsy things with like plays & museums. I miss doing stuff like that (wife hates that stuff).

 

My wife was going to go stay with her parents all weekend and help them work on their house, but she didn't end up leaving until this morning. So we ended up getting some lunch yesterday and watching a bit of tv late last night. So the "under the same roof" plan might just work, as long as we can stay friendly and civil the whole time. We did make some alternate plans yesterday in case we get to a point that we're fighting again badly. It would mean a long commute for me, but it's doable if we need to do that. But we're keeping the peace right now, so I don't think I'll have to do that.

 

Have been pretty bored and lonely this weekend. The getting new friends thing hasn't been moving along too fast (mainly because most of the interest I'm getting is from women), but I'm still trying. Might even go to a party tonight (although I don't know anyone there really, so I feel somewhat apprehensive).

 

I actually hate the weekends now, and look forward to working. Darn this 3 day weekend.

[lonelyandtired]

Well, my wife said her parents might be getting an offer on their house as soon as today. We can't take it unless our price is met (to have enough to refinance our house so my wife can afford the mortgage), so hopefully they won't try bargaining, or we'll have to wait on more offers from others.

 

I hope it happens soon. The sooner that happens, the sooner I can move out and start over.

 

I didn't think my wife and I had couples counseling until next week, but this morning she says it was rescheduled for today right before noon. I had yesterday off, have 2 doctors appts tomorrow, and I have to leave work early today to meet a freelance client. So more time off was a bad idea. I'm already stressed, and I threw my shoulder out bad this weekend so I'm already in a bad mood and trying real hard to not be grouchy.

 

I asked my wife to at least try to reschedule. She seemed really hesitant, so i said if she couldn't I'd go anyway, but to please try for my sake. She did and got it rescheduled for next week no problem.

 

However, she related to me what she told the therapist (who I get the feeling doesn't like me very much and I get apprehensive opening up to as i don't feel "safe" with her) about why we had to reschedule. My wife said my boss called a big meeting for an important issue around lunch time. And that I was afraid to not show up because I was scared that I was the big issue.

 

What that even means and why that was the best thing she thought to tell her, I have no idea. All she had to say was I was too busy at work to easily make it out today (which is true). But instead she made up something that was not true and also basically said I was paranoid that I had some reason to fear I was in trouble at work. I'm already feeling weird about this therapist and I felt like what my wife told her could reflect badly on me.

 

So I complained to my wife about this and she just gets upset I feel like I had a reason to be concerned. If I called the therapist and said "we can't make it today because my wife is a bad employee and might lose her job if she takes time of today" that would be a bad thing, right? That's essentially the impression she could've given the therapist about me.

 

It really felt like she was trying to poison the well with the therapist. Which she seemingly tried to do last week in session. But my wife took the usually route she does when she realizes she's wrong, she used guilt on me. She does something potentially bad to me, and instead of just saying "I'm sorry" and moving on, she uses the opportunity to hurt me more (more and more she acts just like her mother does....it's almost funny it's such a cliche).

 

So now I feel worried about the therapist, I'm in a much worse mood now where I can't hide it while I'm at work, and my wife is making me feel guilty for bringing it up. It's so hard right now for me to keep myself on a good emotional plane....s**t like this just destroys me.

 

I'm really beginning to think the couples therapy is causing more problems than its worth.

[jmargel]

I just see a huge train wreck coming and you can feel it as well.

 

You are going to MC, yet you are seeing another woman? Either **** or get off the pot. I don't know what you are expecting out of all of this. If you are going to MC to just say you are going, then it's a waste of time. Don't bother. You are not doing your wife any favors.

 

If you are serious about MC, then talk to the therapist about this OW, follow their advice (which most likely will be NC with this OW, and let your wife know what is going on).

 

You are cheating (try to refute that as much as you want), yet you are concerned about what the therapist thinks about you? Is the whole world about you?

 

Quit playing the victim and start taking the responsibilities that life gives you. You are hurting more people than you think, your wife, this OW, and all the other people involved in this situation.

 

Yes, we know your wife has hurt you, good chance though you did your share as well. You are coming up with excuses to see this other woman, yet keeping your wife as a safety net.

 

I don't even know what you are looking for at this point.

[Kasan]

I don't even know what you are looking for at this point.

 

Absolutely agree with this--if you have made the decision to leave your wife, why would you consider marriage counseling?

 

Why do you want to consider investing the time in this? According to you, there is no love left, so there is nothing to save.

 

By going to marriage counseling, could you be giving your wife false hope? If so, this would seem very cruel to me, given the fact that you aren't in love with her anymore.

[lonelyandtired]

I just see a huge train wreck coming and you can feel it as well.

 

The marriage is already wrecked. It's more like trying to avoid anymore casualties. Since I posted this morning I made up with my wife. Sucked up my pride like usual, but oh, well.

 

You are going to MC, yet you are seeing another woman? Either **** or get off the pot.

 

Actually, we're going to counseling at this point to work out issues that are coming up as we await finally splitting. It's not to save the marriage, it's how to healthily transition out of it. I'm not seeing another woman. I went to a play with someone. Showed up 20 minutes before, left 2 minutes after. Strictly platonic, no interest, wife knew about it. Not going to do it again until after we're living apart. I think I'm pretty clear about this, honestly. Guess my long posts inspire skimming...sorry.

 

I don't know what you are expecting out of all of this. If you are going to MC to just say you are going, then it's a waste of time. Don't bother. You are not doing your wife any favors.

 

Read my response above, please. We aren't TRYING to fix the marriage at this point. We both agree it's over, but we are trying to get some resolution on the way out. Plus we have to live together for a short while, so we're trying get help in co-existing right now. I've typed this same thing in over and over.

 

If you are serious about MC, then talk to the therapist about this OW, follow their advice (which most likely will be NC with this OW, and let your wife know what is going on).

 

Again, there is no other woman. There was weirdness with a co-worker, that's resolved and not an issue. I went to a play with someone else, which the wife knew about and okayed.

 

You are cheating (try to refute that as much as you want), yet you are concerned about what the therapist thinks about you? Is the whole world about you?

 

Hey, Dr. Phil, why don't you read the f**king posts you respond to?

 

Quit playing the victim and start taking the responsibilities that life gives you. You are hurting more people than you think, your wife, this OW, and all the other people involved in this situation.

 

Reading comprehension is important. I can't help you if you won't help yourself, buddy. =D

 

Yes, we know your wife has hurt you, good chance though you did your share as well. You are coming up with excuses to see this other woman, yet keeping your wife as a safety net.

 

No, I'm getting a f***ing divorce, you jacka$$. I'm trying to transition out of my marriage where both my wife and I are financially comfortable and going to counseling to help us work out any linger issues as I go.

 

What other woman? Are you yammering about my co-worker, or this play I went to? Neither are issues. But keep on being a simple here buddy...I get that you're into this tough guy, straight talk, Dr. Phil on steroids persona, but it doesn't help anyone if you're responding to something with such vitriol that you haven't actually READ!

 

I know I've been up and down the emotional roller-coaster over the last few months and have been figuring out myself day by day, and that is reflected by my journalling here. But at the same time, i think my posts are well-written and pretty clear. But don't let that stop your judgmental (or is that just plain mental) tirades.

 

II don't even know what you are looking for at this point.

 

I'm journaling here on the advise of my therapist.

 

But I also seem to be going around in circles with people who don't take the time to read before they fire off their mouths. I try to listen to everyone's opinion, but personally, I'm going to skip your posts now. If you're not going to take the time to read mine, I don't feel obligated to read yours.

[lonelyandtired]

Absolutely agree with this--if you have made the decision to leave your wife, why would you consider marriage counseling?

 

Why do you want to consider investing the time in this? According to you, there is no love left, so there is nothing to save.

 

By going to marriage counseling, could you be giving your wife false hope? If so, this would seem very cruel to me, given the fact that you aren't in love with her anymore.

 

 

I'm going to type all this out one last time.

 

PLEASE READ CAREFULLY:

 

My wife and I have both agreed that staying together IS NOT an option.

 

We will continue to hurt one another forever, even our couples counselor isn't pushing for us to reconcile now.

 

We decided to continue counseling as a couple, not to save our marriage, but to help deal with any issues that continue as we head towards our divorce.

 

We're trying to keep open a clear channel to communicate, and we want to end this as rational adults and avoid as much bickering and as many hurt feelings as possible. We hope the couples counselor can help in this way. The counselor is onboard, all of this has been discussed with all parties.

 

I hope that explains it.

 

 

I'll continue this FAQ style, I guess:

 

We are getting a divorce. We have to live together for a time (because I wanted her to be able to keep our home and not have to sell it...I can AGAIN explain this in more detail if you like). We do not want to fight any longer. We are being civil, we spend some time together, and we talk.

 

I'm not seeing anyone else, she's not seeing anyone else, but we are both trying to make new friends and preparing to move on with our lives.

 

I've had an issue with a close female friend at work, and had very confused feelings for her after things went south with my wife, and while I was heading down a dark path to the nervous breakdown I had. It was weird and complicated, but all is well at work. We are no longer really friends, but we get along enough to do our jobs. There was a miscommunication last week where I thought my co-worker had complained about me at work and that upset me. This issue wasn't as bad as it seemed and it's bn resolved. She is a non-issue at this point. Nor is the close male friend my wife used to have at her work.

 

My wife and I's marriage has been bad a very, very long time. We've both tried to make it work, and we've both gone through periods where we pull away. But there's no real love. We both want to move on now, and I think it's a good thing. I don't hate her and she says she doesn't hate me. We both want the hurting to stop and want to be happy again. And we both agree that we have to do this apart. It's very hard after 17 years together, but I think we'll both come out of this better.

 

 

I can add more as needed, I guess. But i'd rather post about new events and be able to write down my feelings about them.

 

I'm beginning to think this is not a nurturing environment though. I'm just trying to survive here, and I thought talking this out in a safe place would help, but I'm really feeling like I'm starting to get attacked here. It's just upsetting me and not helping me, so I guess it may actually be better to stop posting here altogether. Criticism is fine, I welcome it...but the post before yours is an outright attack and full of a willful ignorance that proves he doesn't even take the time to do more than skim for vulnerabilities to attack. I guess that's what he gets off on. If I wanted more of that in life, I'd plan on staying married, where my wife and I could do it to each other all day long. We're masters at it. But I want a life without that kind of nonsense. So why would I come here, show my underbelly, and open myself up to more needless hurt? I guess I'm done here.

 

Thanks to those of you who've tried to help. To the others who use the pain of other as a target to focus your own anger, you need some help. You're not as morally superior as you think you are. Goodbye.

Edited January 22, 2008 by lonelyandtired

[Kasan]

I'm journaling here on the advise of my therapist.

 

Thanks for the clarification LT--I didn't realize that you were just journaling and not looking for any input.

 

Good luck LT, I won't be posting to your thread anymore.

Edited January 22, 2008 by Kasan

[lonelyandtired]

I'm journaling here on the advise of my therapist.

 

Thanks for the clarification LT--I didn't realize that you were just journaling and not looking for any input.

 

Good luck LT, I won't be posting to your thread anymore.

 

Lonelyandtired: "Criticism is fine, I welcome it..."

 

Obviously I was welcoming input. Not abuse though. In any case, I'm unwelcome here, so I'm gone. Last post, cancelling my registration now. (edit: apparently I can't)

Edited January 22, 2008 by lonelyandtired

[cj1988]

Well, well....good to see you still have your spunk Lonely I am now on my way out as well, but not as happy as you right now, I will get there. I am finally convinced my H is totally NOT in love with me and I just his maid/babysitter/whore whatever her feels like at the moment. So, I am not giving up, but purely giving in....when you can call your wife a C---, W---- and a f---- b----- many times over and over again, mad or not.....there is no love.

 

My soon to be post will be ALONE and loving it, how about you !

[PLAYBRAT]

L&T..I just finished this WHOLE thread and NOW you're leaving????

 

Please keep posting.

You can put those you DON'T want replies from on ignore.

Don't run away from the forum now.

Even those who don't post can learn from your experience, why

punish them for others actions?

 

I hope you don't go...

[jmargel]

I refuse to post in your thread anymore. You have a huge personality disorder and it's obvious that your anger has played a huge role in the trainwreck that you call a marriage.

 

You really need to grow up. Don't even bother going to a MC. The sooner your wife can move on, the better. You have gotten defensive and when you start disrespecting others or myself that's when I draw the line. I hope you don't do this to others in your life, you will push them away very fast.

 

I hope the best for you.

 

The marriage is already wrecked. It's more like trying to avoid anymore casualties. Since I posted this morning I made up with my wife. Sucked up my pride like usual, but oh, well.

 

 

 

Actually, we're going to counseling at this point to work out issues that are coming up as we await finally splitting. It's not to save the marriage, it's how to healthily transition out of it. I'm not seeing another woman. I went to a play with someone. Showed up 20 minutes before, left 2 minutes after. Strictly platonic, no interest, wife knew about it. Not going to do it again until after we're living apart. I think I'm pretty clear about this, honestly. Guess my long posts inspire skimming...sorry.

 

 

 

Read my response above, please. We aren't TRYING to fix the marriage at this point. We both agree it's over, but we are trying to get some resolution on the way out. Plus we have to live together for a short while, so we're trying get help in co-existing right now. I've typed this same thing in over and over.

 

 

 

Again, there is no other woman. There was weirdness with a co-worker, that's resolved and not an issue. I went to a play with someone else, which the wife knew about and okayed.

 

 

 

Hey, Dr. Phil, why don't you read the f**king posts you respond to?

 

 

 

Reading comprehension is important. I can't help you if you won't help yourself, buddy. =D

 

 

 

No, I'm getting a f***ing divorce, you jacka$$. I'm trying to transition out of my marriage where both my wife and I are financially comfortable and going to counseling to help us work out any linger issues as I go.

 

What other woman? Are you yammering about my co-worker, or this play I went to? Neither are issues. But keep on being a simple here buddy...I get that you're into this tough guy, straight talk, Dr. Phil on steroids persona, but it doesn't help anyone if you're responding to something with such vitriol that you haven't actually READ!

 

I know I've been up and down the emotional roller-coaster over the last few months and have been figuring out myself day by day, and that is reflected by my journalling here. But at the same time, i think my posts are well-written and pretty clear. But don't let that stop your judgmental (or is that just plain mental) tirades.

 

 

 

I'm journaling here on the advise of my therapist.

 

But I also seem to be going around in circles with people who don't take the time to read before they fire off their mouths. I try to listen to everyone's opinion, but personally, I'm going to skip your posts now. If you're not going to take the time to read mine, I don't feel obligated to read yours.

[Mz. Pixie]

I refuse to post in your thread anymore. You have a huge personality disorder and it's obvious that your anger has played a huge role in the trainwreck that you call a marriage.

 

You really need to grow up. Don't even bother going to a MC. The sooner your wife can move on, the better. You have gotten defensive and when you start disrespecting others or myself that's when I draw the line. I hope you don't do this to others in your life, you will push them away very fast.

 

I hope the best for you.

 

J is a valued and respected poster here on these forums and he's taken his time to give you some good advice/feedback. Attacking him is not going to solve your problems.

[sunshinegirl]

I refuse to post in your thread anymore. You have a huge personality disorder and it's obvious that your anger has played a huge role in the trainwreck that you call a marriage.

 

This doesn't make any sense to me. At all.

 

Where's the personality disorder? I've followed the entire thread and I don't see whatever it is that jmargel seems to see. There's no affair going on. I see a painfully sad relationship in its final throes. Sure, maybe there are different ways people would handle things - not go to MC, move out now, what have you - but I sense that Lonely is a good man who is trying to do his best given the circumstances. I don't blame him for being angry... it sounds like this is the first time he's really let that anger surface, after years and years of bad stuff in his marriage.

 

IMO, he has been remarkably patient with people who have been critical in their comments. JMargel, to me, crosses a line - it's just nonsensical!

 

Lonely, I hope you don't get too discouraged here. Best of luck to you.

[Rx12578]

I think J was harsh but maybe right on a few issues. LT posts regularly about being fair, not the bad guy and he makes some nice comments about his wife here and there but then posts constantly about how everything she does is bad, stupid, mean, spiteful - you name it. He doesn't necessarily say that outright (although sometimes he does that) but it seems like he is going to considerable trouble to make a case for himself. Meanwhile, when anyone goes back to his posts where he talked about realizing he was in love with his co-worker and the emotional turmoil he went through there he gets very defensive and says that it's a non-issue (wifes fault for driving him away? co-worker didn't reciprocate so since nothing happened it's ok?) or that people are attacking him. He seems fairly certain about how right he is and how wrong his wife (and anyone who disagrees with him) is. I think that there is a good chance that LT is in denial for why he is leaving his W. I believe he is trying to avoid the guilt associated with leaving someone who has been with him for so long (and leaving without even making a real attempt at counseling). I don't think this will be helpful to him in the long run as he may look back and regret how he handled some things.

[cj1988]

RX12578, your last post is on the money. Lonely like most people get defensive when it comes to personal and or hurtful issues. I know that the more I learn from you all, the more clear I become in my own head.

 

Lonely, just be yourself honey and be HAPPY !

[sunshinegirl]

I think J was harsh but maybe right on a few issues. LT posts regularly about being fair, not the bad guy and he makes some nice comments about his wife here and there but then posts constantly about how everything she does is bad, stupid, mean, spiteful - you name it.

 

...and I guess my perspective is that I'm giving OP a lot of slack, because he is in an acute crisis right now. There were signs in his early postings that he had an even-handed, fair, balanced view of the situation. He made mistakes, she made mistakes. But then things seemed to blow up; he is no longer in a dispassionate, removed head space where he can see, or wants to talk about, his contributions to the demise of his marriage. From what I can tell, we on this thread have witnessed, in real time, his emotional unraveling. For those of you who have been through divorce (I haven't), think back to when you had your own first, real meltdown. In that moment, were you balanced and fair toward your spouse, and owning up to your share of things? I highly doubt it.

 

And I just think the piling on of guilt and judgment to someone who was not even three weeks ago in the hospital for a nervous breakdown, is not helpful.

 

I have some views on things I think might be more helpful to OP and his STBXW than what they're doing, but I just don't think this is the moment to put them out there. He's just trying to cope, people. Just trying to get through this moment.

Edited January 24, 2008 by sunshinegirl

[Rx12578]

Sunshine - I agree with some of what you say, however there are a few factors to consider. First, if you read LT's posts it sounded like the nervous breakdown didn't take place until things fell apart with the co-worker LT was in love with at the time. Second, I think that the spouse doing the leaving should make more of an effort to be fair and considerate of the spouse who is being left (and told their H doesn't love them any more). Particularly when the spouse who is leaving knows they were in an EA with one of their co-workers (whether they consider it an issue or a non-issue). Also, I believe that denying or ignoring the guilt is probably going to be worse than accepting it. As I said in my earlier post, LT may have some regrets later for how he handled things when ending his marriage.

[guilt_and_regret]

I read these forums often, but seldom post, but I gotta say that having followed this thread from the beginning I can certainly understand why the OP is frustrated with the responses he's been receiving. He's stressed REPEATEDLY that his emotional hang up with the woman at work is completely independent from the dissolution of his marriage, but the only response he seems to get are from bitter, angry people who have obviously been cheated on in their relationships who want to somehow make THIS (a relatively small detail of his whole story) the focal point of all their responses. I understand we all use our previous experiences to help us shape our opinions and outlook, but I think he's made it abundantly clear this is NOT the issue in this instance.

 

I empathize fully with the OP, I understand exactly what he's going through and I think he's displayed a remarkable level of self-awareness about the whole situation. It's a shame everyone seems to want to ignore all that and just heap on blame because he reminds them of their previous partners that they haven't forgiven.

 

L&T, I don't know if you're still reading this, but if you are I can completely relate to your situation, and it's a shame I can't talk to you one on one about it. But you're not the only one who got frustrated with some of the posts in your thread.

[tatiana66]

I read these forums often, but seldom post, but I gotta say that having followed this thread from the beginning I can certainly understand why the OP is frustrated with the responses he's been receiving. He's stressed REPEATEDLY that his emotional hang up with the woman at work is completely independent from the dissolution of his marriage, but the only response he seems to get are from bitter, angry people who have obviously been cheated on in their relationships who want to somehow make THIS (a relatively small detail of his whole story) the focal point of all their responses. I understand we all use our previous experiences to help us shape our opinions and outlook, but I think he's made it abundantly clear this is NOT the issue in this instance.

 

I empathize fully with the OP, I understand exactly what he's going through and I think he's displayed a remarkable level of self-awareness about the whole situation. It's a shame everyone seems to want to ignore all that and just heap on blame because he reminds them of their previous partners that they haven't forgiven.

 

L&T, I don't know if you're still reading this, but if you are I can completely relate to your situation, and it's a shame I can't talk to you one on one about it. But you're not the only one who got frustrated with some of the posts in your thread.

 

I fully agree with this, I can only stress the truth of this post. I have thought and felt exactly the same many times over. The prejudice I have noted in many of the people who post here has actually discouraged me from posting my own story and asking for help.

LT, I hope you are fine, you certainly do sound fine. I hope everything goes well with you.

Edited January 25, 2008 by tatiana66

[Mz. Pixie]

He's stressed REPEATEDLY that his emotional hang up with the woman at work is completely independent from the dissolution of his marriage, but the only response he seems to get are from bitter, angry people who have obviously been cheated on in their relationships who want to somehow make THIS (a relatively small detail of his whole story) the focal point of all their responses. posts in your thread.

 

Yes, I know that is what he keeps saying, and what he truly believes, but we believe differently.

 

And for the record, I was the cheater, not the cheated upon.

[Rx12578]

I'm not sure how anyone could think that the fact he happened to be in love with someone else at the time he ended his marriage was a completely unrelated event. This goes back to what I've mentioned before, the mindset that cheating can be okay or unrelated because it was the W (or H) that drove them away or into loving someone else. I'm guessing that if you took a poll of most "cheaters" they would in some way blame their spouse for their cheating. "My marriage was already over before I had the affair." (I just forgot to tell my spouse first.) "My spouse didn't give me what I needed so forced me to look elsewhere." (I just didn't think to bring it up with my spouse first and work on my marriage instead of moving on to someone else first.) Just because you say falling in love with someone else had nothing to do with ending the marriage doesn't make it true because you don't know how things would have gone if it hadn't happened at all.

It might seem like some people here are just giving LT a hard time about this because of bitterness. But, at least for me, it's because I think it's important to help someone understand both sides of the situation and, as I said earlier, because this is a very difficult thing to go through (for both people) and you don't want to regret later how you handled things.