Question- My confession of end of M long but read.

[abeliever]

Posted at 7A-

I can't sleep it's 3am! Been up and down since 1 am. Lots on my mind, and I woke up not angry?! Which is a nice change. I've had that anger for quite some time now. But wow I am sure glad it is gone! I think I have figured out a few things. I couldn't put my finger on it as to why my anger is so great for H. It finally came to me. In 99 I needed some dental work (crowns) done. It was very expensive to at the time, with no health and dental inusurance. But my dentist said he would do trade for my services for his. So he and I sat down worked out a barter between us. I was very grateful. I went home to tell H and he said without thinking about it "no"! So as always we done it his way. I went back to dentist and asked him to pull my front four teeth and put a partial in to save money as H said. I was just 26 yrs old! My dentist and I got into a heated discussion that I would one day regret it then said no he will not do it! I told him fine if he didn't I would find another dentist who would. Upon my insistance he pulled them and made me a partial. To this day my dentist still does not know why I chose to do this yes to save money he knew that but this was my front four teeth. But I done what my H said he wanted me to do. He was always controlling with money which we both made. This caused a great deal of fights, a lot of them. Some of the fights my fault and some his. He had to have the control over the money, so he did and tried to control my whole life thru that money.

 

I never forgave him for that decision. I still struggle with it to this day. It still haunts me, I didn't stand up for what was right for myself! Just a year ago he had work done approx $4,500 at the dentist and had no problem working a deal with the dentist. Upon coming out of the office I had to drive him home he said you know I could have done that for you way back when. I had to get a bridge a year later from the pulling of my front teeth. It looks great and no one can tell. But I spent $3,000 for the bridge but I paid for that thru my other business and used the money to do it right as much as I could after the fact. The resentment from his statement pushed me over the edge. I know it was spilled milk already but it just sent a pissed off sensation all over my body.

 

I have always wanted to leave H from the beginning. He wasn't my type (whatever that was) but I knew I could do better. He was safe. My last R was really bad and since I wasn't that much in love H at that time he couldn't hurt me like my past 10yr R that had just ended 5 months before I met H. I really think that is why I stayed with H. He was safe for me, (couldn't hurt me) and we became friends! I was not friends with my 10yr R and frankly never liked him but loved him like he was a drug. I managed to get to know H and found out I liked him. Sure he was rude and from the East coast. No one else liked him he had just moved to our town and people ran from him. East coast people and midwest people don't mix well. But he soon adapted well. He wasn't rude to me at least not all the time. Our friendship lasted til just a few years ago. Back then I could easily manipulate H to do what I wanted in the beginning which for some reason I liked. Last R I couldn't at all. Not sure if loved me in the beginning but that didn't matter. I suspected he still loved his ex W but he always said he didn't.

 

So here we was, two damaged people hooking up. It has very stressful from the beginning. We never had it easy and struggled daily to stay together. Then within a year it smoothed out and things was a lot better. We seemed pretty happy for the most part. Still argued about money not about not enough of it oh I guess at times we did but how we would spend it. My constant control issues along with his really clashed. We both started holding grudges against one another. Never letting the other off the hook. We would push each others bouderies way beyond our comfort zone. It is no suprise we are here in the middle of a divorce now looking back.

 

I wasn't able to really see us for what we "really" was. Instead I wanted to see what I wanted to see. I put our marriage on a pedestal never to be challenged. It was great no one could tell me differently. They meaning my family and his knew the real deal, he and I didn't want to see it. Then I wouldn't have to to admit what I knew from the very beginning, we was never really meant to be together as a couple. We was meant to be friends. But somehow we did stay togther and it has been 12 yrs. We started a business together before we married (married 8 yrs). It is our 10th yr in business and is doing volumes in growth. It is unheard of the growth we accomplished that 20 to 30 yr old co like our did not do in their time frame! So whatever personal issues we had our friendship carried us through and kept us together and kept us focused on our business! We both wanted it to succeed and knew it would be a sacrifice at all costs. Well it did, our M was the loser. We could have been married each to a better partner and could have been really happy. But would we have been as successful? Oh I suppose we would have. We both grew up knowing without a doubt we would do whatever it took to become a success and make it! But we did it together. The good thing was his weakness was my strength and my weakness was his strength! It was a great match and still continues to be business wise anyway. But personally it became slowly a disaster!

 

H grew tired of the personal relationship and so did I. In 03 I asked if he would participate in MC seemed we lost communication at home but at work all was great. He refused said nothing was wrong went back to computer. So instead of working on our problems he started a online affair instead. That was the beginning of the end of our M. Several A's after the first one came and went. I always stayed, never left cussed, threw things, threatened. But I stayed. Not being a jealous person even when they tell you is bad. I loved him but still was not jealous and I have never been. Not sure why. I always thought cause I had confidence in myself. Now I question that. My loyalty to him has never waivered even after A's. He was always weaker than me I knew that. But eventually it became a wake up call. I had major resentment. It really became bad with each A. We argued in front of family his and mine in these last two years. It was unlike us to do that. Friends and family knew it was coming to an end. They didn't want to be around us and who could blame them?

 

It became hard on me being isolated from friends and family. I am very social and outgoing and he is just the total opposite doesn't know why I need friends etc. He always said he needed no one- not even me! I always thought he was blowing smoke, well maybe not. The resentment became bigger and bigger as the months went by. Our love turned into hate. But not real hate the love/hate kind. H real hate came out this past summer having multiple A's and brought one to our town and told me he was doing so before he went to get her asked me to tell him not to do it. Of course me not being jealous, I say if that is what you want who am I to stand in your way of happiness? I told him if he did it he needed to move and file for a D. He left didn't see him til that next Monday. I asked him to leave he refused but moved into the basement. Upon return I asked why is he doing this? He said to pay me back for him being unhappy! I was floored. I still have yet to discover what for? How can I be responsible for his unhappiness? Ok I can see some but not all of it. That comes from inside, right?

 

We met Jan 96 by late 96 we fell in love but never really in love. He never quite let me in and I talked to his ex W and she said the same. But I did try and hard too. There was only so far he was going to let me in. So I stop trying and thought if that is all he can give it will have to be enough. That too caused resentment. Why I just didn't leave then is still a mystery to me. I've always thought it was our friendship that kept us going. I know now this it was not that. True friends do not lie, cheat and betray your trust. I once again put the friendship on a pedestal or what most people say put on rose colored glasses. Whatever the case was, I refused to see it for what it was.

 

Well, now they have been removed (rose colored glasses) and I catch myself still wanting to put them back on! That way things can go back to the way the used to be. But too much has happened many bounderies crossed and health exposed to god knows what. So far I have been tested twice with nothing showning up. I will not know for years to come really. It is time to blame both of us. I will try to harbor no ill will anymore. We both share the end of our marriage. Something I haven't owned up to til lately. Although the A's are not the answer and was the ultimate cause to the ending of our marriage, it made me see what was real. It did wake me up and I had to admit it is time to end our marriage.

 

I wish I could go and hide and pretend this never happened. Let things get back to our "normal". But now I want better for him and for myself too! I hope I can forgive myself for all the wrong I have done in my marriage as I am trying to forgive him.

 

After posting my life's story is there any hope for me? Just curious as to what you think? If we are being honest then here it is. All the ugly, but am I doomed?

 

 

 

AB

[cj1988]

Hello friend. I see you are UP early You are so struggling and I can see it in every word. It sounds as if you still love your H very much, I know how you feel, but it is not worth saving to me, my opinion. It sounds as if he is like my H and will never change and with that said, he will never be what you want for you.

 

I know about the resentment and holding things inside for years. My H and just got married last year, lived together 11 years......I NEVER SHOULD have married him, we were never meant to be together and I see that now. We are too different, everyone tells me you can do better always could and WHY did you marry, ya'll have been fighting for years. I said because I love him, well LOVE is not always enough and does not equal happiness. He is sweet and charming and soooo handsome, but immature, stubborn, drug/alcohol addicted brat. I am strong, independent ( I own everything we have) attractive and mature.....we are oil and water no matter how you look at it.

 

We have said and done things to hurt each other over the years that should have been a RED flag, but we could not see it because we really love each other. Now, we see each other as we are and it is not what we thought all these years. We are better to strangers than we are each other and that cannot make a good marriage. He is very hurt now that I want out and is walking a straighter path, but it is too late, I am ove it. He is now coming home at night right after work, calling if he is going to be late, the little things that bothered me he coudld not do before, too late. I hurt for him because I KNOW what he is feeling. But, he is not my responsibility now, he has to do this on his own now. I have to worry about ME and only me for once in my life and he has to do the same.

 

Yes, it bothers me that I could not be the ONE, I was for sooo long, but I know one day he MAY find the one, I hope so, he can be a great person when he is IN LOVE. I also hope to one day find someone AFTER I find myself that I can love freely and honestly. We have grown up together and I hope we can be friends, we shall see...I see that years down the road if at all.....so you see some marriages are just not meant to be....think of you baby and all that you can do now....I am excited and cannot wait to begin my NEW life alone !

[Dazed1]

Good morning Believer;

 

It is not uncommon to see the reality once you remove yourself from the clouding emotion. I had a pair of those glasses too, and i desperately wished i could put em back on....

 

It is very tough to admit even to yourself that you saw only what you wanted to see; I can so relate to that. But that is the nature of self denial. We all do it, in more facets of our lives than our spouse.

 

We do it with our children (Not MY daughter, she wouldn't....), our friends (I never thought he could do something like that....) whatever.

 

At the end of the day, you can't beat yourself up over it. You did what you had to and made it all work as best yu could and there is no shame.

 

Yeah. Reality bites. And it is what it is. This is not the first lightning moment you will experience, nor the last. Learn from it, and keep going. If you stand still you run the risk of being hit from behind.

 

-Dazed

[abeliever]

Thanks CJ, yeah I ready for my D. It is just such a shame to have this kind of life and neither one of us can see what is right in front of us. I know he is not right for me now. I too hope my H can find someone to love and for him to be loved like he needs. It is sad to step back and see the real jist of your marriage. And it woke me up out of a dead sleep! But I thank you for the kind words. AB

 

Dazed- I appreciate your comments too! Yeah it sucks. But I do know I will make it. Just had to get my truth then the truth out! Sometimes the two are not the same. I see that now. I am such a compasionate person that this rips my heart out. I wish I was one of those people who didn't feel as much and who could just go on and not look back. But hey it is what makes me- ME right? That sucks too.

 

But I will get on with life, I know beyond a doubt that there is a better life out there for me. Now I have to get going and find what makes me happy. (whatever that is)

 

Thanks for reading and sorry it was sooo long.

AB

[cj1988]

AB, we are so much a like it is scary. I too feel it is a shame that we cannot see what we had and find our way back to at one time was LOVE.

 

Life is so hard and completely NOT fair at times and on the other end of the rope, can be very grand and the best ever. The memories I want to carry with me will not be the bad as much as I want those to get my butt in gear, it will be the opposite the GOOD ones that I will cherish always ~

 

We had something that was special for a reason and was meant at the time. The only thing in life we cannot control or alter iin any way is change and time. If I had it all over to do again I would have probably done the exact same things, so why b---- about it now. Learn, live and move on so you can make some more !

[Confused9]

abeliever,

 

I didn't get to read all of this yet...but I will. I just didn't want you to think I wasn't going to give you advice. You have been so great with me and giving me advice and I want to respond...I am just working so it's hard to read it without people seeing. I keep having to minimize my screen. Anyway, I will write back soon : )

[Confused9]

ok...here goes.

 

First of all, WOW! I think it's amazing that you are starting to recognize this and hope one day I can do. Obviously you and H were not meant to be in a romantic sense. But, I guess you could look at it like this...if you didn't get together, would you be so successful, etc? Maybe now that you have your career in check you can find that man of your dreams.

 

You just need to be willing to open yourself up for that. You know waht you deserve. Allow yourself to have it!!!

 

I am so glad you realize that you aren't the one losing out and he is. You deserve a great love and he is out there for you. It's amazing how much clarity you have now. This is the first step to your new life and it's going to be wonderful!!!

[JustBreathe]

Oh how wierd is that. I also read so much of myself in your post! My H and I work so well as a team, we came from nothing and while we are not rich we are rich compared to what we came from. But emotionally, he was like your H, never there completely, and like me, you said to yourself if that's all I get out of this relationship then it will have to be good enough. The death of our marriage has been long and slow but I have resolved it is over in my heart. I will leave him as soon as I can and it will be the hardest thing I ever did in my life but it know he isn't right for me and I will always be miserable married to him. Sometimes I still cry for what we've lost, but it is lost and there's not getting it back.

 

Why do you ask if you are doomed? Why doomed? Why do you ask if there is hope for you?

[abeliever]

Thanks confused. I appreciate your words always!

 

Just Breathe- I guess doomed was not the right word. I am one of those people who only wanted to marry once. My grandparents was married 49 yrs and aunts and uncles over 30 yrs. Although our R before the M was rocky it was good when we decided to marry. I thought this was for the rest of my life! I know people get D but that is not me. I don't want multiple M's. How can they be special if you have multiples? Is this wrong for me to think this way?

 

I know my life's story is messed up. But I really didn't realize just how much til this am around 1a and looking back at what I had written. It was like having the clarity I have been asking for. I guess be careful for what you ask for, right? I am ok. Just lil scared of the future is all. I went from being a mom to this M and never been alone. Not really scared of that as much the peace and quiet will be nice. But what do I do with my time? That is a lil scary?! And I guess exciting all at the same time.

 

Anyway, I am sure it will all work it's self out. I appreciate all your posts. Again I am so lucky to have you all as friends.

 

Abeliever

[heftysmurf]

Your life is not over. Do what you can now. You will be better. Believe in YOU.

[JustBreathe]

My parents are married over 50 years, 54 or 55 now I think. They're nearly 80 and still totter about together. Who gets married planning to be divorced in the future?

 

You blame yourself because you felt he was a safe bet and never felt he was right for you. Why? Don't do that! Who gets married to their exact and perfect soulmate? I know I didn't! Lots of people don't. You did the best you could with what you were given. You did not fail him, it was just the opposite. He brought this into your marriage. He failed you.