maynicholas Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Well I spoke to my BFF today about the guy I'm dating and she said that maybe I am being too hard on him. (My BFF's HB is this guy's BFF) Apparently that was one of the things he was saying to her husband. She said I should try to be a little nicer and try to keep it 'light & fluffy'. I've got to admit- I've become a much darker person thanks to my last relationship (11 years- the last 4 were miserable- I ended it to start a new life in another state). I used to always be light and fluffy and happy and silly. Now I'm serious, analytical, sarcastic, and cynical. She said to try to be more polite maybe. Now for her to say this to me- it must be serious- because she is pretty dark and twisted herself (which is why we are friends). So, um, how do I try the 'light and fluffy' thing? I would like to find my old silly self again- or a happy medium, but I have no clue how. And how do I do 'light and fluffy' in dealing with this guy?
Florida Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 I can relate to this, I've become more closed, cynical and dark too, but i think it was always there, I just feel more comfortable being myself now. The light and fluffy really has to be genuine, like if you are feeling good about something and the feeling is bubbling out. Sometimes I do this thing that my BF responds to, I feel silly writing it but it is like spontaneous planned affection to generate good feelings. For no reason I'll grab his arm and press close to him at an unexpected moment, look deep into his eyes and give a goofy half smile, it makes him happy then I get happy and it creates a mood. Then he sometimes says why are you being so cute? And we laugh. Hopefully you are not puking from the saccharine nature of this. I think you can create a mood that would benefit both of you, without going to some extreme you are not comfortable with.
Author maynicholas Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 Thanks for the reply Florida. So far all we ever do is hang out and drink and talk. He always spends the night and that is the only time we are ever affectionate (well, he is more affectionate than I am). I have honestly forgotten how to be affectionate outside the bedroom- and even there- other than in the act- I have no clue how to be sweet any more. We are going to do something fun this week outside the house that has definite potential to be a romantic type setting. Maybe I'll try your trick if I'm up to it. However- I would hate for him to think of me as human- seeing as how he loves to tell me that I am evil in it's purest form.
Florida Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Thanks for the reply Florida. So far all we ever do is hang out and drink and talk. He always spends the night and that is the only time we are ever affectionate (well, he is more affectionate than I am). I have honestly forgotten how to be affectionate outside the bedroom- and even there- other than in the act- I have no clue how to be sweet any more. We are going to do something fun this week outside the house that has definite potential to be a romantic type setting. Maybe I'll try your trick if I'm up to it. However- I would hate for him to think of me as human- seeing as how he loves to tell me that I am evil in it's purest form. I don't know MayN evil in it's purest form doesn't have an adorable splayed out cat as their avatar..... I think you've got some cute bubbliness coming out wether you like it or not! Are you sure you are really excited about him? As the book says--maybe you are just not that into him? I say that because all that would come out without too much effort on your part....
Author maynicholas Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 I am starting to think that perhaps we only see the flaws in each other as opposed to seeing the really good stuff. Can we start over- or maybe re-establish a new pattern of interacting? Am I excited about him? yes. A little. I think part of me might just be excited to be dating someone and he is the only one around at the moment- so... The other problem is our schedule's don't allow us to see each other often so there is no momentum at all.
Florida Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Each relationship has it's own dynamic. The positive flip side to seeing eachother's faults so clearly is that neither of you will be knocked off that very high pedestal to a long painful fall down.
Florida Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Can we start over- or maybe re-establish a new pattern of interacting? I don't think so, sometimes years have passed and I'll run into someone and the old pattern is still there. It's fixed, BUT.... it can be changed by how you react to that set pattern.
Author maynicholas Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 Each relationship has it's own dynamic. The positive flip side to seeing eachother's faults so clearly is that neither of you will be knocked off that very high pedestal to a long painful fall down. Well that's a good way to look at it. Of course that was part of the original approach I was trying to take. I though I was making it clear to him that I liked him inspite of himself- but maybe there could have been a nicer way to go about it. Hopefully he won't decide it's not worth it before our next date...
Florida Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 I though I was making it clear to him that I liked him inspite of himself- but maybe there could have been a nicer way to go about it. Hopefully he won't decide it's not worth it before our next date... That is funny! Even his huge ego may not be able to handle that line, but once in awhile it's okay! I'm sure he will decide you are worth it, maybe he likes to be called out once in awhile? !
Author maynicholas Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 I actually said that to him. Maybe that is why he thinks I'm evil! Thanks for the advice Florida!
D-Lish Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 I jumped back into the dating scene after a 10 year relationship and a divorce. I left him 4 years ago and even now find it hard to allow myself to experience any intimacy. I date all the wrong people for what I fool myself into believeing are the right reasons. Guys in bands going nowhere- young guys - guys with no cars.... the list goes on. I just find it easier to date people I can't get attached to. One day- I found myself taking up with someone I didn't think could get to me- and boom... he has. Now I find myself sabotaging it because I am so afraid. I get bitchy and pick fights, I don't return his calls on purpose sometimes... I don't like that I do that! I know where you are coming from. In all honesty, I think it's hard to be a great partner in a relationship when you are feeling the weight of past pain and baggage. I think it's important to find ways to deal and come to terms with that- then the light and fluffy- happy stuff will just naturally follow. How to do that? That is the dilemma I think. I found some light therapy to be helpful! I am naturally happy go lucky myself- and the pain of the break up took some of that away from me.
Author maynicholas Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 I don't think I realized the extent to which that past relationship wore me down until recently. My BFF had made a comment about watching a video we had made back in the day and how her and our other friend had these snooty looks on their faces and I just looked happy as a clam going about my own business. When she said that I remembered just how far I've drifted away from my 'happy place'. I'm all for personal growth, but I think part of me has grown in the wrong direction. I never considered my breakup to be like a divorce, but you know what- I am starting to think that it might be somewhat similar. The overwhelmig sense of unworthiness I felt when he wouldn't marry me made me feel like crap. I remember thinking- why am I not worth marrying? There must be something wrong with me. I must be unloveable. I think that changed me. I used to be so sure that I was cute and loveable and who wouldn't want to be with me- and when he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with me- I took it as a personal slap- not anything that could have had to do with him. Maybe I'm dating again too soon. I just thought this would be a good experiment to see how I reacted to someone new. But maybe I am sabotaging it because I'm not ready yet.
Author maynicholas Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 Or maybe this guy is too much for my first shot out the gate. Perhaps I should be finding someone a little more giving- or maybe my stand-offishness has prevented him from being that way. Self-fulfilling prophecy?
Author maynicholas Posted December 15, 2007 Author Posted December 15, 2007 Can anyone else give me some advice on the whole 'light & fluffy' thing?
CaterpillarGirl Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 Sometimes to get in the light and fluffy, I just take a trip back to childhood. I do something that was really cool when I was young and try and reconnect with that feeling of wonder - going to the natural history museum, roller skating, bowling, listening to a NKOTB tape, watching a ballgame, maybe a somersault if I'm ambitious. It usually ends up making me feel silly, in a good way. Aside from that, you should also know that your feelings that resulted from your breakup are going to run their course eventually. I understand completely how you feel about feeling unlovable and unworthy. I've struggled with that disillusionment myself. As a result, I ended up dating the first guy who thought I was special, just to convince myself that I was attractive and lovable. I quickly found out the error of my ways and broke it off before I was the one breaking hearts. Really, only you are going to get yourself back to that place of self-confidence. So cliche, but true.
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