Revenge?

[ezmac]

i've been lurking for quite a while here but finally got the guts up to post. any help would be appreciated.

 

the quick story. i found out the wife was having an affair two years ago. we have been married 12 years and have two kids 9 and 7. i'd suspected she was having a fling so i put a tape recorder under the bed when i went out on business hoping to catch her talking to the OM on the phone.

 

unfortunately, i caught much much more than what i thought i would. she was actually bringing the OM into our bed while our kids were asleep in the other room.

 

all the usual pain and recrimination ensued. she said she loved the OM but quickly recanted. over the first 6 months after discovery i believe she maintained the affair even though she claims she didn't.

 

the OM was a painter that had come to paint both the outside and inside of our house. he is a married guy and lives close by with his wife and his two kids.

 

we tried marriage counseling about 6 months after the affair, but after six months of counseling my wife just decided that it wasn't helping and quit going.

 

i informed the OM's wife and had lunch with her and told her all the sordid details.

 

while talking to her we came up with a mutual dilemma: since neither of us wants to leave our unloving and disloyal spouse right at the present time (for different, but similar reasons--me, i am way too into my kids to leave right now; her, she doesn't work and relies on her husband 100% for income until she finishes school), our spouses both feel like the "got away with it".

 

for all we (the OM's wife and me) know, they're still having an affair.

 

so what can i do? my wife tells me that she doesn't love me, never will, and has no feelings for me whatsoever. our sex life is nil. she has no respect for me.

 

as immature as this sounds, my sense of "justice" makes me want to make her pay some sort of punishment.

 

as it stands, she gets to walk around, hold her head up high, pretend that she's this sweet, perfect school teacher at her prestigious Christian private school.

 

meanwhile, i go through hell.

 

any advice? help? ways to get around the need for revenge or "getting back"?

[Pyro]

IMO, you shouldn't stay with her just for the kids. You say so yourself that she is putting you through hell. Use those tapes against her in divorce court and she'll get whats coming to her then.

[Cobra_X30]

as it stands, she gets to walk around, hold her head up high, pretend that she's this sweet, perfect school teacher at her prestigious Christian private school.

 

meanwhile, i go through hell.

 

any advice? help? ways to get around the need for revenge or "getting back"?

 

Well, I had a friend once who planted drugs on the girl, then had a friend call the cops to snitch that she was dealing. The friend even got some money for snitching...

 

Barring that... is the painters wife hot?

[Citizen Erased]

Well, I had a friend once who planted drugs on the girl, then had a friend call the cops to snitch that she was dealing. The friend even got some money for snitching...

 

Barring that... is the painters wife hot?

 

Wow, that is just terrible

 

That's pretty much what I thought.

[heftysmurf]

The kids part hurts. I am planning on separation as I test to see if my WS can find her way or is she lost to me. You can do it. It may not be as bad as you think time away from the kids. I know it will beyond SUCK in many ways. That is why I hate doing it.

 

The time you have you have with them make higher quality and when away you can work on making yourself the best you can be for yourself and them.

 

You got her with the tapes. Stand up! Draw the line in the sand.

 

Do not think of punishment. Think of what is best for you and the kids. If you are messed up being with her all they will see is a dysfunctional family construct. You will not be the dad they have loved. She appears to not even trying to save the M from the info you have posted. Alone you will be happier.

As for your friend she could take him to the cleaners.

[LifesontheUp]

Have you thought about informing her job. Someone who teaches Christian values but brings another man into her marriage bed, sounds like grounds for dismal.

 

I agree with this, it all needs to come out in the open, work, friends and family.

 

Then, I'd pack her bags and tell her if she doesn't love you any longer she can go to the other man. YOU stay in the house with the kids.

 

Sorry but staying in the marriage just for the kids is no marriage in my view and it'll be the kids who'll suffer in the end too.........trust me.

[cj1988]

Why dont you have an affair with the W of the man and then smile all the time, act happy so she finds out... she will then LOVE you again and not the OM and YOU will not give a rats butt then !

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

..as it stands, she gets to walk around, hold her head up high, pretend that she's this sweet, perfect school teacher at her prestigious Christian private school.

Oh, that's a hoot. What a lying, hypocritical tramp this one is.

 

And you say SHE claims to have no respect for YOU? She's about as low on the SLUG food chain as it gets. Whoring around with someone else's husband in YOUR bed. What a complete pig.

 

I'd out her ass to her hoity-toity Christian private school ASAP. My, how humiliating it would BE for the good Christian folk to find out what a sleazeball this tramp is.

 

Do it.

 

Today.

[silktricks]

Well, I do not agree with screwing up her job. If you decide to divorce her, in the long run that could just make it harder on you financially (if the following doesn't work).

 

You have the tapes. Is it apparent on the tapes that she was messing around while the kids were asleep in the other room? If that is the case, you probably have a VERY good case for divorcing and keeping the children. Messing around with another man while your kids are there is not exactly what most judges would call good parenting.

 

If you are unhappy it is not good for you, nor is it good for your children. I agree with the others who recommend divorce.

[Cobra_X30]

Well, I do not agree with screwing up her job. If you decide to divorce her, in the long run that could just make it harder on you financially (if the following doesn't work).

 

No that's like empoyee theft... or a sex offender working at a daycare. Her personal life actions are in direct conflict with her duties on a professional level.

 

The parents must be offered a choice when thier children are bieng placed under the care of a person such as this!

[Ronni_W]

any advice? help? ways to get around the need for revenge or "getting back"?

 

Whatever 'revenge' you do take, is also going to impact your kids.

 

They already have one adulterous parent - do you really want to make it a "perfect score" for them? Do you really want them to be in the middle of the whole community talking about why/how their mother got fired from her job?

 

I think just decide what kind of father and person YOU want to be, and do whatever it takes to live up to your own vision of yourself. Let her fake her "moral, ethical" life while you actually live yours!

[silktricks]

No that's like empoyee theft... or a sex offender working at a daycare. Her personal life actions are in direct conflict with her duties on a professional level.

 

The parents must be offered a choice when thier children are bieng placed under the care of a person such as this!

 

Sorry, I just don't happen to agree. A teacher is a teacher is a teacher. Just because they happen to teach at a Christian school doesn't imply that they are Christian or even morally upstanding people for that matter, only that they are teachers.

 

I don't like what the woman did on any level, but unless the guy she was getting it on with was one of the students, it's nothing like employee theft or a sex offender working at a daycare. She's a teacher providing instruction on a subject. She's not moral, but unless she's teaching morality that's a bit of a moot point.

 

But hey, that's just my opinion...

 

BTW, I really like what Ronny said in the above post.

[Trialbyfire]

I see no need to keep an affair a secret. Blow it wide open on your side and have the W of the OM, do the same. Then both of you divorce your cheaters. Let what happens, happens. There are always consequences to actions.

 

As for your children, keep them out of this, in so far as the collateral damage. Don't use them as a battlefield. If your cheater tries to do this, I wouldn't play. Tell her to grow up and stop her crotch-driven, selfish thinking.

[michelangelo]

For one, practically speaking, you want her gainfully employed during a divorce unless you want to be supporting her after you divorce. If you out her to her school and she becomes unemployable, you will have to pick up the slack.

 

For another, you could pick up some nasty STD from the OM's wife (or from your wife for that matter--same source).

 

If you just gotta have stray sex to assuage your wounded ego, do it out of the triangle, ok?

[Trialbyfire]

I agree about the work component, where there's no reason to tell her employer, because it's impractical to do this, with potential child support issues. I should have clarified on my last post. I had intended it solely for family and friends. No flyers please....

[ezmac]

thanks for the advice guys. i can't just out her to the employer. my kids go to that school and it's a damn gossip mill. since my kids go there i know all the parents. i just don't need all that drama right now.

 

besides, if she does get fired, then you all are right, it hoses me in divorce.

 

thing is, i live in florida. here, the state doesnt care that you had an affair. we have no fault divorces.

 

also, i didn't keep the recording. too much pain. and i kept listening to it over and over again in some sick masochistic self torture ritual.

 

sleeping with the other guy's woman isn't an option either. why she slept with this guy is a mystery tome. the wife and i are just far better looking people than this other couple. the painter is overweight, he smokes, balding and 8 years older than us. his wife is nice, but not exactly a beauty.

 

besides, having an affair just puts me on equal footing with the wife. who wants to descend down there?

 

i'll leave when i'm good and ready. i'm not staying here exclusively "for the kids". true, it's a key reason. i guess i wish i can wait until a time when the kids are a bit older they may be able to have more of a say as to who they live with.

 

also, i need to get my financial house in order. if i'm going to be poorer, i need to get out of some debt and things like that.

 

 

 

is it bad to want something bad--not something violent or cancer or anything--just something humiliating or unfortunate or irritating or heart breaking to happen?

[Ronni_W]

is it bad to want something bad--not something violent or cancer or anything--just something humiliating or unfortunate or irritating or heart breaking to happen?

 

More like "healthy and normal", if you ask me. In fact, it can be quite entertaining to give yourself about 5 minutes a day to think about those different humiliating scenarios. Just don't wish too hard in case you end up attracting it to yourself. Yikes!

[Mr. Lucky]

is it bad to want something bad--not something violent or cancer or anything--just something humiliating or unfortunate or irritating or heart breaking to happen?

Keep in mind, she's still the mother of your kids. Start living life up your standards, not down to hers. Get out of your marriage now and focus on being the best dad you can be - your kids will need you. Once you get settled, find someone you love and can be really happy with - trust me, that's the best revenge ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[In Like Flynn]

Well if you are worried about all those things then the only alternative is to put your head in the sand and hand them condoms. Hate to be blunt but Pick your posion.