LorettaMermaid Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 My husband and I suffered an ordeal of his infidelity due to some major changes in our lives and his not feeling loved by me anymore. Added to this a known marriage wrecker had set her sights on him and when he was at his lowest with me she reeled him into her. I still don't know for sure how long the affair lasted however from the day he moved out until the day he came back home, he was only gone 3 nights...I believe the affair was only 3 months but even one night hurt. On the day he moved back home we had agreed to meet and in the course of the conversation I told him that I wanted to save our marriage and if he wanted to at least try would not he agree that we had little chance of making a go of it if he was living with another woman. He must have wanted to try because his reply was that he was getting his things and moving back home. This has become very embarrassing for the marriage wrecker because she had told everyone he was divorced and bragged about all the long term plans the two of them had. She left about 40 telephone messages combined that day on 3 different telephone numbers she had for him. He and I sat and listened to each and every one of them. She had then started to become kind of a stalker but he's finally convinced her he is trying to save our marriage so for the present we have not heard anymore from her but I know her and she's not through yet. You see 13 years ago, she and I were best friends and I broke off the relationship then and there when I discovered she was after my husband then. She can't keep any decent men herself and goes through men like water because she is a user and is always looking for what she can take from a man. My poor husband never listened to what I was telling him about all the stunts she had pulled while she was married and when she was just living with someone. When she first married she was pregnant with someone else's child...she has no morals. We are working on our marriage and while we feel he made the right choice by coming back home, I am having difficulty getting the visions of the two of them together out of my mind. He says he never stopped loving me but by all of the signs and actions I was giving, I can see why he felt I didn't want him. I was at a very low point in my life and as hard as I tried to crawl up and out of the rough time I was having, he was bearing the brunt of my awful mood swings and of course no one can take that for too long. I've promised him that that old nagging bitch is gone, and I do feel she is gone, and as hard as it is to say this, that perhaps his having an affair was the wakeup call I needed. I hate to say that because just thinking about it makes me feel ill. It's so difficult realizing how easily he lied to me. I would have bet everything we have that he would have never lied to me and how do I build that level of trust again. He is totally understanding of it all and wishes he could help me but he says he never even thinks of her unless I bring her up. Which I do daily because I just can't get it out of my head. I can see why some women never can get over it and divorce their husbands simply due to not being ever able to trust them again. I know without a doubt that had this woman not have been hanging around his work when he arrived and when he was leaving for home, constantly, he would not ever have taken up with her. He said she was all over him all the time and one night he was especially hurting from me and that was all it took for him to cross over. It tears me up to know that if I hadn't have been going through a difficult time that I wouldn't have lost him to her. I thought our wedding vows of for better or worse meant something but he said every sign I was giving him and from what I was saying to him was that I did not care. How do you repair the hurt you caused your spouse causing him to stray. I'm making every effort possible to treat him like a king and making sure he knows on a daily basis just how important he is to me; I will never make that mistake again of letting him even wonder how much I love him. But still I ache for what I caused and can't forget it. How do you get past all of the hurt and begin to trust again. I know we love each other and that is of course huge; I never want to feel that horrible hurt that I felt when he strayed but I can't undo what has happened. How do you get past the pain and begin your marriage all over again?
sedgwick Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 you did not make him cheat! this is in no way your fault, WHATSOEVER. and the other woman didn't make him cheat either, no matter how much she was hanging around. he needs to take responsibility for what he did. he could have told her he was married and not at all interested, end of story. your husband is responsible for his own actions, and for him to make you think for one second that his lack of self-control was due to you not loving him enough or her waiting around too much is ludicrous.
stillafool Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 I have to agree. He was not innocent in any of this. He is a grown man who could have said NO especially to his wife's best friend. Your exfriend is a skank I'll agree, but your H sleeping with his w's bf is not to be trusted either.
Author LorettaMermaid Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 Thanks so much for the replies. I've been researching ways to help us through this and one thing I feel will help is if he provides complete disclosure about the details of the affair. He says he can't remember everything and I do know this man well enough to know that he has selective memory and I am not surprised that he can't remember every detail. And even though it hurts horribly to learn of these details I know I have to learn about them to begin the healing process. We're sitting down tonight to discuss ways to help us get through this. The day he told me he was moving in with her I told him that I knew I had been hard to live with lately and he knows exactly why; our family has been in crisis mode for almost a year with one big issue being our child's divorce and the addition of 4 more people into our home...it is certainly not a haven anymore but this is what you do for family and it drove him nuts even though it was a mutual decision. So instead of seeking counseling he turned to another woman and he still won't go to counseling. We are making some adjustments to our household and although I have asked the 4 to find other housing, my husband has indicated he would be willing to work on his tolerance and helping them instead of looking for a route to escape through. Both of you are correct, she knew he was happily married and she also knew we were having problems because of course he told her. He was flattered by the attention and she promised him the moon if he would leave me and stay with her. She could not provide what she promised but that's how she operates; one lie after another. I question my sanity of wanting to continue with the relationship knowing how stupid and naive my husband is but I do love him and we did have it all at one time and I want that back. There was a time when we couldn't keep our hands off of each other but we're older and although the mind might be in the right place, the bodies are no longer 19. I have not trusted the ex bf since I found out what a loser she was 13 years ago but my husband told me she was always nice to him. Of course she was; she was nice to anyone with a zipper fly...he was such a fool. Again, how do you get over his stupidity - my son told me that just because he had an affair and left does not mean he came back any smarter. I want to quit checking his emails, checking his work messages, cell messages, I want to let go of all of it and start over but now I'm living with an accomplished liar and that's an adjustment I don't know how I can get past. He does tell me he made the worst mistake of his life so I feel we can start over; I just need to learn new coping tools and to be able to trust him to go and do anything alone again - is any of that possible?
stillafool Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Yes it is possible but you need counseling. You have to stop placing the affair solely on your bf and your h's so called "stupidity". You were under just as much stress if not more than him during that time. What does it say of him that he was willing to leave because your bf offered him the world but didn't deliver? If she had delivered on her promises would he still be there?
sedgwick Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE DETAILS!!! I promise you don't. Why? What would it serve for you to know everything? Just move forward. Those things will haunt you; it'll make it harder to get over, not easier. Do you realize how many excuses you make for him in every one of your posts?
Recommended Posts