AugustLane Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Ok, sorry but this may end up a long one... So I've been dating this guy a little over a month. Last time we hung out the topic of ex's came up. He said his was crazy and blah, blah, blah- that she still contacts him, he can't understand it. Whatever. We were texting back and forth last night to set up a date for this week and I said Sunday night or Monday night. He said he had a date Sunday night. I assumed he was joking and made a funny comment back and he said he was hanging out with his roommate. Fine. Well today I was on his myspace checking out his profile and I see a comment from his ex that says "Sunday? What time?" then I check out hers and he replied quarter to never. Well he obviously going to be smart enough to write that in case I checked. Should I be concerned. Dating other people is one thing. Hooking up with your ex is another. I don't want to be involved in that- that to me means they will be emotionally unavailable to you. What do you all think? Am I jumping the gun on this or should I stop seeing him now.
birdmadgirl Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I'm usually very hesitant to come forward with Doomsday-type stuff, but having been in a similar situation, myself, I can say that it doesn't look very good. While part of me wants to advise you to confront him about this and tell him what's on your mind, the other part of me feels strongly that he'll accuse you of stalking him or being intrusive - anything to take the pressure off him. I am curious, though... is your relationship an open one? If you're not committed, perhaps he feels that a date is a date is a date, regardless of who he's seeing. This is Rational Birdmadgirl talking, though. When I was in the situation I alluded to earlier, I lost my cool. As it turns out, I was justified, but still... *sigh*
Krytie TV Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Do you not trust him? It seems to me that he blew her off and you're assuming that he wasn't. How do you know he wasn't in fact blowing her off? It seems like you're making assumptions that support some internal insecurity, based on your post. And you obviously have them or you wouldn't be snooping his ex-girlfriend's MySpace. Are we getting all of the information? I just don't see the evidence. Try hard enough, and you will find drama fuel. That's true with anyone. Is that what you want to do?
Author AugustLane Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 Your right, I was snooping. It just seemed like too much of a coincidence that he say he had a date Sunday- and she sent him a message about Sunday. If it hadn't said Sunday, I probably would not have thought much of it. Where did she get Sunday from? I would like to trust him, but I have a hard time trusting guys. I know I need to get over that- and I am trying- but this is weird. We never said we were exclusive- but he did say that he doesn't sleep with more than one woman at a time. I don't want to call him on this because I don't want to seem needy- but I don't want to be involved with someone who is seeing their ex either. What should I do?
Jilly Bean Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Myspace does nothing but ruin relationships all over the place! I do think, for what its worth, that myspace is like exaggerated life. I think people leave comments to look cool, and they may not reveal the real truth of a situation...
Krytie TV Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Somthing tells me you'll keep snooping until you find something damaging enough.
birdmadgirl Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Myspace does nothing but ruin relationships all over the place! Amen to that! Most of those social networking communities make it entirely too easy for philanderers to... philander. Krytie made a good point, though. It's also very, very possible that your fear is coloring your interpretation of something that may very well be innocuous. It's easier said than done, but try not to let your trust issues get the better of you.
Author AugustLane Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 So are you saying I should let this go and not worry about it? I just don't want to have him hanging out with her sunday only to spend the night with me monday and end up feeling like he got one over on me. I just don't like to feel duped. Yes, I am insecure. There. I said it. -and I have major trust issues. I'm damaged goods. I went through a similar situation to this once (well similar in my mind which may be why I am reacting like this) in which I happened to be driving past the ex of an old boyfriend-'s (at the time he was a current boyfriend) house and guess who's car was there. He was doing exactly what I hoped he wasn't. I have been scared ever since.
birdmadgirl Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 So are you saying I should let this go and not worry about it? I just don't want to have him hanging out with her sunday only to spend the night with me monday and end up feeling like he got one over on me. I just don't like to feel duped. Yes, I am insecure. There. I said it. -and I have major trust issues. I'm damaged goods. I went through a similar situation to this once (well similar in my mind which may be why I am reacting like this) in which I happened to be driving past the ex of an old boyfriend-'s (at the time he was a current boyfriend) house and guess who's car was there. He was doing exactly what I hoped he wasn't. I have been scared ever since. Well, I don't think it's realistic to expect you not to worry about it; the worry is already there. If you're concerned enough about it, confront him. I would just be aware of the risks involved with doing so (i.e. scaring him off if there's really nothing going on). As someone who once held current boyfriends liable for the transgressions of those who came before them, I can say with absolute certainty that there comes a time when you have to let that fear go, or will wreck your chances of ever having a successful, healthy relationship again. Yes, there are times I can close my eyes and see these terrible events play out before me once more, but I just have to remind myself that everyone is different. And this sounds horribly defeatist, but a slimeball is going to be a slimeball no matter what. There's little you can do to stop it. If it's really happening now, be thankful that it happened after a month of dating and not years down the line. Good luck, August.
Author AugustLane Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 But how do I know if it's happening now? I don't want to say anything and be a freak about it- but how will I know? Or should I just pretend I never saw it and see how he acts?
birdmadgirl Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 That's a tough one, August. Short of asking him, you won't know. And even then, what it boils down to is whether or not you can trust him. Can you?
Racquel Colette Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Let's take the whole MySpace aspect out of it for a second. When he stated "I have a date Sunday" he was making it clear to you that you knew that the two of you weren't exclusive and he just isn't that into you (if he were, he wouldn't want to go out with some other chick.) I'm sorry but honestly, I'd let this one go for the wayside. You have been dating a month, he should be crazy about you at this point and trying to 'get' you, but...he's simply not that crazy about you. It hurts but at least now you can feel the relief of knowing and letting go.
birdmadgirl Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 I could be wrong, but I don't think you're going to find anyone here who will tell you what to do one way or the other. Only you could possibly know what's best (and I suspect that deep down, you do). I could not imagine any good end coming from telling your guy that you were poking around his ex's MySpace profile, but at the same time, I understand why you'd want to know what's going on. That's why I say it's a tough situation. I don't want to cling to or make a big deal of your trust issues, but believe me when I say that until they're rectified, this is going to happen again. Often. I speak from experience. It took me many years to get to the point where I'm able to trust again. Although I do still get the shaft on occasion (and not in a good way), I don't concern myself so much with what they're doing/not doing and let things happen as they will. In the meantime, I just try to be as pleasant as I possibly can. Really, August, that's all you can do.
Krytie TV Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 I know this is silly, but you could stop obsessing over their MySpace pages. This is the first step to getting rid of intense worrying. Why not just cut the guy some slack and trust him until he gives you a reason not to? That's all anyone wants. If someone came to me with your gripe and I wasn't guilty of anything, that would freak me... especially after a month. I would be gone.
Cobra_X30 Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 No clue. Well he said he was going to be kickin it with his roommate right? Talk to the roommate. Shoot, you know he can't hide that kind of crap. Once your suspicious... you will catch him real quick if your smart... it's that simple. On the Other Hand... I doubt he was devious enough to assume you were snooping on him. Unless he knows how untrusting you are. By the way... I dont think that untrusting is the same as insecure... the two attitudes strike me as similar but different.
birdmadgirl Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 By the way... I dont think that untrusting is the same as insecure... the two attitudes strike me as similar but different. Excellent point, Cobra. In fact, some of my former trust issues were borne out of insecurity, but the two are not necessarily synonymous.
Author AugustLane Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 To clarify (not to defend-ok-maybe a little to defend) I was originally looking at his page and noticed the newest comment from her regarding the what-time-on-Sunday thing- that is when I went to her page to see his response. I suppose I'll act like I never saw it and carry on- but if he acts strange on our next date- I'll call it quits. I really don't feel as though I have any right to say anything since we have only been dating for a month. It really isn't any of my business. Like I said before- I just don't like to feel as though someone has gotten one over on me. Silly- I know.
birdmadgirl Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 No, August... I'm with you on the not wanting to feel you've been duped thing. I think you're making a wise decision. If the worst-case scenario comes to fruition, then at least you'll know for sure you gave him the benefit of the doubt. He'll know it, too, and it'll be harder for him to feel like such a stud knowing he did something to hurt someone so undeserving (which is not to say you'd be deserving if you said something to him beforehand; it's easier for some people to justify bad behavior by saying, "Yeah? Well she thinks I'm cheating, anyway, so why not cheat?").
Author AugustLane Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 Let's take the whole MySpace aspect out of it for a second. When he stated "I have a date Sunday" he was making it clear to you that you knew that the two of you weren't exclusive and he just isn't that into you (if he were, he wouldn't want to go out with some other chick.) I'm sorry but honestly, I'd let this one go for the wayside. You have been dating a month, he should be crazy about you at this point and trying to 'get' you, but...he's simply not that crazy about you. It hurts but at least now you can feel the relief of knowing and letting go. I actually thought when he said that it was a joke (we were texting back and forth). It never occured to me that he was serious! We joke around all the time so I just assumed this was one of those times.
Lucky555 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Oh myspace, yeah i have decided to add a guy just to see what i am up against..Like you with the ex....i mean without myspace you would have never known! So i used to think that i would keep guys out of my profile so i could control what he knows but the thing is i found...wait i have nothing to hide here so i might as well add HIM and see what hes all about. They certainly dont tell you about who they talk to and who they are going to see LIKE EX's so if its that going on get rid of the guy!
sb129 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Myspace does nothing but ruin relationships all over the place! I do think, for what its worth, that myspace is like exaggerated life. I think people leave comments to look cool, and they may not reveal the real truth of a situation... I agree JB. There is another thread on here about facebook, and its basically the same thing. Its too easy to misinterpret things written online, and far too easy to obsess about things. Its also too tempting to check up on your BF/ex/their ex etcs every single move, which I find a little creepy TBH. Let's take the whole MySpace aspect out of it for a second. When he stated "I have a date Sunday" he was making it clear to you that you knew that the two of you weren't exclusive and he just isn't that into you (if he were, he wouldn't want to go out with some other chick.) . We don't know that he is definitely going out with the other chick. Oh myspace, yeah i have decided to add a guy just to see what i am up against..Like you with the ex....i mean without myspace you would have never known! So i used to think that i would keep guys out of my profile so i could control what he knows but the thing is i found...wait i have nothing to hide here so i might as well add HIM and see what hes all about. They certainly dont tell you about who they talk to and who they are going to see LIKE EX's so if its that going on get rid of the guy! Do you really have to keep tabs 24-7 on someone? I think adding someone so you know what you are up against is just..... wierd. What happened to getting to know someone in person? I don't rely on social networking sites apart from to keep in touch with friends who don't live in the same place as I do, and I don't "get it", although I appreciate it is here to stay! If it wasn't for myspace, you would simply have to take his word that he was seeing his roommate, and you wouldn't be worrying about it.
Lucky555 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 "Do you really have to keep tabs 24-7 on someone? I think adding someone so you know what you are up against is just..... wierd. What happened to getting to know someone in person? I don't rely on social networking sites apart from to keep in touch with friends who don't live in the same place as I do, and I don't "get it", although I appreciate it is here to stay! If it wasn't for myspace, you would simply have to take his word that he was seeing his roommate, and you wouldn't be worrying about it." Well, my thing here is that i do take time to trust a person.i have been relationships where the guy has cheated. I say "what i am up against" because it shows me if hes the person he says he is. I have been with guys who turn out to be someone different even after i know them. If i see that hes not the person he says he is then hes out. Guys will put up a good front when i am with them but i have learned that i do need to know if hes still contacting an ex and i do need to know if hes not trustworthy so i don't waste my time or get attached. For me I would rather know. I think its just what i have learned from previous relationships with people that i need to know them before i actually consider anything more. Yeah they may be in nice attire and have that wonderful smile, but if they are not really that person you think they are then its time to move on. Yeah guys have said i am over her or i am not seeing her or stuff like that. I don't want to start something and then later find out that hes going behind my back. Gosh i have seen this so many times. I guess i am safeguarding myself but if hes honest he will have nothing to hide and there will be no problems. If i can be set knowing that he is who he says he is than thats great, in the early forms of a relationship there has to be a LOT of trust and i want that, but like i said first see what hes about then see if its worth pursuing or being with him. there is only so much you get from conversations. So its not a big deal just a "safe" thing
sb129 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Lucky, I appreciate what you are saying, but doesn't your intuition tell you all you need to know? If he accepts you as a friend on Myspace, then obviously he knows what you can see, and will be able to edit it anyway. If people want to be really sneaky, they find a way. (That doesn't mean that all people will be sneaky!!!) Is contacting the ex in any way shape or form a deal breaker for you? Many people are still friends with their exes. Just be careful and try not read into things too much. I hope you find happiness and someone you can trust.
Lucky555 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 "Is contacting the ex in any way shape or form a deal breaker for you? Many people are still friends with their exes. Just be careful and try not read into things too much. I hope you find happiness and someone you can trust." Its not a deal breaker to have a friend as an ex, i am friends with my exes, except for the guy that cheated. However, there are boundaries, i will not meet up with an ex for coffee and a movie. Thats just overstepping it for me because there are always going to be feelings for the other person, it could be either one person or the other. I don't need to lead anyone on nor should someone that i am seeing either. I don't read too much into anything but people are selfish, people who are honest will have nothing to hide. I like to know the WHOLE Person before getting emotionally attached or sleep with them. Is those little things they forget to mention to you in the early stages of relationships. Over time if we can't trust each other than there shouldn't be a relationship at all. The only way to trust is to be OPEN AND HONEST, this world is tough,i have seen numerous times where people just didn't have enough foundation to hold it together. I want that complete being true to yourself type of person. Its all good i am just building a solid friendship prior to pursuing anything more. Thanks for wishing me happiness. I don't think myspace is a bad thing either its how you and i stay in touch with people. But when you don't know someone well its hard to determine what they say is true its the whole actions speak louder than words. I believe life is too short to be unhappy, so don't stay with people who prefer to be sneaky or play games.
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