Author CalamitousJane Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Wow - thanks latefragment. I always like following other peoples stories, seeing how they changed and how it affect their partners, so I thought I'd just keep writing mine down as it happens. Seeing this whole thing as a story makes it seem more interesting and less tragic! Anyway, I am glad that you have made some progress in sort of um... compartmentalizing isn't the best word for it, but sort of de-prioritizing - that's a bad word for this too. What I mean is, more "de-emphasizing" him to yourself. That came out weird, I mean the amplitude of the 'shock waves' that he creates, the perturbations, are less in your world than they used to be. That's wonderful. I mean, whether things do work out with him or not, it is critical that you examine everything that is going on with a clear mind, and, as is unfortunately the case, one can often not see things too clearly when they're being 'perturbed' out of their natural orbits.This is wonderful - that's exactly how it feels. He still wobbles my orbit, but not nearly as much as he used to. It helps a lot to be engaging deeply with other people - even cyber-people. Reading and posting on Loveshack is great. It gives me a "connected to the Universe" feeling that makes it easier to release myself from his gravitational pull. It sucks when things devolve. One of the most valuable things I've done is to listen to some cd's by a guy named Greg Baer (http://www.gregbaer.com). Late one night I was drowning in emotions and found the site when out of desperation I googled "real love". The cds are just amazing, and once I had begun to absorb them, ALL my relationships stopped devolving. Those cds and my strong desire to make things work out have made my interactions with the ex incredibly much better. It's very clear now that it has come down to a commitment problem on his part, which is something I can do nothing about except refuse to stay trapped in limbo with him. All of this work is having a remarkable effect on me - I feel more peaceful and loving every day. I'm curious whether he will feel any long term effects from this. One tiny update - this morning there was a rash of email in my inbox from him - pictures of snowflakes and effectively an apology (!!!!!), saying that he was tired when we talked and was afraid I thought he was a "nutter". Taking some responsibility for a tough conversation is absolutely a new thing for him. BTW, glad you like the avatar. I was actually sledding - snowboarding makes my butt sore from landing on it. I like that picture because I remember how heartbroken I felt that day, and how good it felt to be outdoors with my friends, laughing through my tears.
shadowplay Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 It sounds to me that he's really dependent on you for emotional support, but he doesn't care about you on a deep level the way you care about him. He sounds selfish by nature. I would cut him loose. Do you really want to feed somebody else's dependency?
Author CalamitousJane Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Yeah, thanks shadowplay, that's starting to sink in. Both the selfishness and the dependency. Now that my own addiction is wearing off a little it's a lot easier to see how little actual caring behavior he exhibits. He's been on his best behavior lately, and even then my imaginary husband (and all my real friends, and the checker at the supermarket) are one-up on him caring-behavior-wise. It took me a whole day to figure out that he was the one who was rude to ME yesterday, but all I could think about afterwards was how I should have been a better listener. Sigh.
Author CalamitousJane Posted January 12, 2008 Author Posted January 12, 2008 So he's been calling almost every day this week - sending multiple emails. He always says he just wants to talk for a minute, but he'll go on for hours if I let him.I've not initiated any call or email exchange, and answer maybe half of the one's he writes. He sent complicated emails a couple days ago, which I was honestly too busy to get to, so he called me early in my morning, asking if I was ok. The crazy thing is, I think I honestly cried him out of my system, to some extent anyway. I've got a couple heavy duty flirtations going on, which are nice and distracting. I doubt either of these guys are husband material though. But I guess the ex isn't either... It seems like he's desperate to get back into long-distance "friendship" limbo with me. He has been on best behavior with me since last week, very gentle and listeny. I feel like I should pull back more, not pick up the phone for a while. But when I don't hear from him for a day or two, my heart still gets heavy and sad.
Author CalamitousJane Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 Thanks Stepheine, I think you're right. I'm doing my best to move on, but feeling very stuck still, right at this moment. I have been responding to his contacts, but trying to keep it as light and friendly as possible. As a cool coincidence, someone I've always had the hots for but who lives about three hours away has started up a really intense email exchange with me. Wondering about the possibilities with this other guy is a really good distraction. Problem is, I just discovered this morning how strongly I'm still attached to the ex. I've been honestly very busy, and for the past couple days I've missed his calls or was on my way out. This morning he finally got through to me. I'd looked forward to chatting in a friendly way, but he started getting harsh on me about some financial advice that he had given that he thought I should follow immediately. He did his old thing of talking over me, pushing his ideas, not letting me respond. When we hung up I found myself surprisingly in tears, for the first time in many days. I felt this incredible heaviness in my heart. He called me back and said he hated to end on a bad note, and said he was really just concerned for my welfare and wanted me to make the right decision. I told him that I knew that intellectually, but sometimes it was rough on me emotionally when he was so forceful about his opinions. The strange this was that he took my feedback very seriously, in fact he nearly apologized, something he never would have done before. I don't know why he still affects me so strongly. I feel like I should not have shown him how vulnerable I still am to him, but I guess it's too late. Sometimes it still feels like we will never be just friends. I should probably back off even more.
Freddy Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Go for it, with the new guy and keep the mind off the ex.
Author CalamitousJane Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 Thanks Freddy! I'm rooting for you to do the same thing. Let me know how it goes.
latefragment Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Wow CJ - I'm glad to hear that you have some other distractions to keep your mind off the ex. I know he still has this emotional powergrip on you sometimes, that's unavoidable. I don't know what to say. Some would advocate NC but I think that's a bit extreme. I think you should keep on doing what you're doing, feeling things out on your own, 'weaning' yourself off... it's fine. I did that with an ex... it took me a whole year and a half to get over him, because we were in contact for most of that year (he was on another continent... that's why we broke up in the first place, because he was moving out of the country)... but i don't regret that we kept in that contact, it was what felt right at the time. Of course being still in love with him hindered me really appreciating others, but so what (I mean that sucked, too, but what I'm trying to say is that it was the natural course of things)? It was what I needed to go through, you know. I think it would have been far more traumatizing to just cut him off cold turkey, especially when the only reason we broke up was because he was moving somewhere where it takes a 15 hour plane ride to get to, not because we'd been having lots of fighting or whatever. I hope you post updates on your flirtations with the 2 (or more) guys... I have still been heartbroken over the guy I just visited in December in his country but I've been fortunate to be having a number (3-4) flirtations going on simultaneously right now and it is a good distraction, these are nice, fun guys, but I am trying to be VERY careful bc I don't want to get my heart hurt (it's still bleeding from the foreign guy) and I don't want to hurt anyone either.
trulysomething Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Calamitous...I love hearing your story for a few different reasons. It shows you are working on getting over him and yet still keeping the door open for interaction. I am 5 days of NC (and I did tell him I'd contact him when I was ready to be friends). The longest we've ever been before..and all I want to do is call him and txt him and see what he's doing. I can't even imagine a month! (Actually, I want HIM to txt me, call me...but he won't for a while I'm sure of it...) I wish I just knew what he was doing, thinking and feeling. Please keep your head up and sharing how you are healing as it helps all of us *hugs*
Author CalamitousJane Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 late and truly, thanks. I have no idea if I'm doing the "right" thing or not, and it's still extraordinarily hard sometimes. But I read people's stories who have been hard-core NC for many, many months, and are still suffering badly. I feel right now that if I'd enforced the NC I'd be thinking about him at least as much as I am right now, but it would be a more hollow wondering. I like to continue being connected and honest with him, because it has always been that way between us and that is a rare and beautiful thing. One great thing is that in the past month or so I've been way less "in his head". I'm spending much less time wondering what he's doing, who he's seeing, or if he's thinking about me. I feel much more free and healthy - much more able to just let him be and get on with my life. It's a funny thing about this friend who has lately intensified our connection. The ways I relate to this new guy are very similar to the way I related to the ex. He has a lot of similar characteristics - very smart, unconventional and intellectually fearless. A lot of times I've wanted to fill the ex in on the conversation I'm having with the new guy. I've mentioned each to the other in the context of "I was talking to my friend ex/newguy the other day....". I may actually see the new guy this weekend. He mentioned he might come up for a seminar, and in his last long email he said he'd tell me more about a particular subject when we were face to face. I really do like him a lot, and I know I get that little thrill when I'm near him physically. On top of all that, my friend double-dared me into a speed-dating thingie tomorrow night. latefragment - I also really don't want to hurt anyone. Sometimes I worry about what would happen if something got started with newguy or someone else and ex suddenly decides he wants back in the picture. I guess I have to trust that I'll know what to do. trulysomething - those first weeks of NC were just pure hell. Seriously, like giving up a physical addiction. Hang in there - you'll know if or when it's right to be back in touch with him.
Author CalamitousJane Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 This morning I woke up thinking about my ex with a huge knot in my stomach. I almost felt sick. Last night I did this speed-dating thing. I'm pretty sure I didn't meet my future husband, but two of the twelve guys I wouldn't mind hanging out with, I guess. Between the speed dating and the fact that I may see my email-friend this weekend, I'm getting closer and closer to imagining starting a new relationship. At the same time though, I have lately found myself really absorbed by my interactions with the ex. He's been calling very frequently, wanting to talk to me about all kinds of things. I've started waiting for his calls, thinking about what I wanted to say to him, wondering how he was doing. I woke up this morning knowing that I was letting myself slide back into limbo. Without even having a plan, I felt like I needed to call him. I was shaking. As soon as I heard his voice I started crying. Words just started to come out of my mouth. I told him I needed to completely stop talking to him for a while, probably a long while. I told him I still felt a very strong pull toward him and a very strong desire to connect, so this was terribly hard for me. I told him that I was planning to start seeing other people. I told him I knew now that I needed to stop all contact with him until I really could connect back with him as "just friends". Which will probably be sometime after I'm happily settled with someone else. There was a long silence, and he said he'd known that would happen when he made the decision to let me go, but he could feel how strongly it was affecting him. He basically begged me to allow him to keep calling me, promising to not talk about personal things. He said he felt a strong pull to be with me too, but he was afraid things would never work out between us because my daughter and my family don't like him, and especially because he has now decided that he doesn't want to live in the US because of how our government is leading the world into global economic crisis. Which almost made me laugh, through my tears. He's finally found something I REALLY can't do anything about. So I told him to take good care of himself, and said good-bye. I've been shaking and sobbing off an on ever since, but it feels very pure and final. There is a lot of relief mixed in with the grief this time. And now I can get on with my OWN life.
latefragment Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Wow, CalamitousJane - I know it is really tough right now but you did a good thing for yourself. I am glad you went with your heart, even though it is breaking. I did the same thing to the ex with whom I still kept in contact with for a long time after the breakup. One day, after all that crying, I realized that he had really moved on and that it was over between us (despite him still wanting to talk to me and be emotionally close to me). It was when he said he'd call "tomorrow" and never did. I gave it a few days and when he finally did call me, I didn't take the call. He was in the country for only a few more days, visiting, before returning to the other country. He called me every day until he left, leaving a message, and it took all the willpower in the world for me to ignore his calls. We have never spoken since. Just had one or two terse email exchanges since he'd owed me some money and he was getting his mom to cut me a check. I'm very glad that I'm past this guy, but he was a good boyfriend to me when we were together. It cracks me up that he told you about the US dragging the world down economically. That is insane. He doesn't sound ... rational... from the way you've described his intellectual aggressiveness and high level of opinionated-ness... perhaps it will do you good to try to meet some other people, as a distraction. How are you feeling now?
Author CalamitousJane Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 I feel very shaky and strange, almost in shock like some part of my body got cut off. Maybe it's more like I've been walking around for years with a railroad spike through my chest, and I finally grabbed it with both hands and pulled it out. It hurts like hell, but now it has a chance to heal. If I don't bleed to death.
Freddy Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Jane: You did the right thing. Don't get me wrong I have those days often where I am waiting for that call or that meeting. I know heart is torn but it will definitely get better. All I know if it's meant to be then it will be. There's nothing wrong with living your life instead of waiting around for nothing. By the way I did that speed dating a month after we broke up. No connection what so ever and not even my type of people there. I went to the bar afterwards the by the end of the night I was in tears and hiding in the bushes. Guess who came and picked me up? She made me sleep on the couch though. LOL
Author CalamitousJane Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 Yeah the speed-dating was hilariously weird. Reminded me what I already knew, that my type doesn't grow on trees. The final score was 6 pathetic, 4 nice but boring and 2 vaguely interesting, I guess. Luckily I went with a friend and we had a really good time laughing about it in the car on the way home. She kinda liked one of the boring ones, so that's good. I moved all his recent email off my computer, as well as a couple songs in his native language that I love but probably shouldn't listen to for a long time. Thanks for helping me get my mind off the horrific knot in my stomach.
Author CalamitousJane Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 I got this from the ex today: We have both been struggling with our feelings and with each other. It's likely that what we experience is the same struggles and feelings that millions of other people experience because their relationships do not work out the way they wished. It is tough. It creates change in us. There seems nothing that one can do about it. Why feel sorry about the past? At that time you were who you were, felt what you felt, feared what you feared. There is nothing to judge. We have both been doing our best. How can anybody ask for more? Maybe now you would have the courage to love me. Yet, if our union was not created from the depth of both our hearts then what were our chances of creating happiness and fulfillment? And this is what I wish for both of us. I also wish that one day we will be able to look back and say that we made veritable choices. Jane, you have become my dear and beloved friend and I hope you will be my friend for the rest of my life!I feel like writing back that I'm looking forward to finding someone who has the balls to make a decision and stick with it. But I know the best answer is no answer. But ouch.
sandflea Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 I got this from the ex today: I feel like writing back that I'm looking forward to finding someone who has the balls to make a decision and stick with it. But I know the best answer is no answer. But ouch. Yeah - but NC works so much better... And in the long run, if you start the NC route, you took the first step; you're empowered. Good luck. Welcome back to your life! SF
Author CalamitousJane Posted January 25, 2008 Author Posted January 25, 2008 Wow. I'm totally ready for serious long term NC now. A couple hours after I received the above mail, he sent me a long mail saying that the wire transfer I'd helped him with went through and saying how glad he was to have me as a trusted friend. I wrote back to that one - "Glad it finally went through. Take care of yourself. Jane" Which I thought was pretty clear and final. So then, a little while later, he calls me on my cell phone. I hesitate, but then decide to handle it head on. I pick it up and quietly say "Hello". He says "Hey". I say, not too warmly, "What's going on?". He says "Did my email upset you?" and I say. "No. What do you want?" He said "I'm writing this letter to the bank, would you mind helping me with my English?" So I said, "Listen, ex. I told you yesterday that I don't want to talk to you for a while. I need to put time and space between everything that happened between us and move on with my life. Probably someday I'll be friends with you but not right now. Ok?" And there was a long pause, and he said "Ok, Bye". I guess now's the time to stop picking up the phone.
latefragment Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Wow, CJ... his email to you sounds ... like he's trying to rub the whole "friends" thing in your face... Ugh, as I mentioned before he seems so... pushy. and , the tone of all of the communication between you two, has made him sound like he's so, 'me me me" all the time. I say this with all due respect. I realize that he is probably a really wonderful, amazing, person, but the way he's been treating you... like you "owe it" to him to be his friend and help him with stuff. I know it's really painful for you now, but you've been more than accomodating so far... I am glad you started to make the first step.
Author CalamitousJane Posted January 26, 2008 Author Posted January 26, 2008 Yeah, that mail hurt. The idea of him walking around thinking about poor Jane whose heart was so broken by him that being friends is too painful... What really bite is that that is what he said about ALL his ex's, except the one who was tragically torn from him after one magical night. In every case, she was perfectly nice and everything, but he broke up with her because he didn't really love her enough. The lesson: anyone who says he's never loved anyone enough, won't be able to love me enough either. I guess I thought it would be different with me.
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