End of a long strange road

[CalamitousJane]

So I've been nearly NC for 32 days now, after four years. He called on Saturday, day 27. We talked for two hours, and it just made me miss him even more.

 

It started with two years of super-hot, super-intense globe-spanning dramatic romance, that finally ended when it came down to the question of "get married or get deported". Toward the end we were screaming at each other every day, whenever we weren't having impassioned "this might be goodbye" sex.

 

So he moved back to his country, and we tried to leave each other alone, but pretty soon we were back to talking every day, sometimes for hours. We hashed through a lot of our issues from the safe distance, and worked on things together and supported each other through rough spots. I told everyone, including myself, that we were "just good friends". It seemed very sweet and good to stay so connected with him with "no strings", although I would start to miss him and worry about him if we went a day or two without talking. I had a very brief fling early on, and he hooked up with an old gf "for revenge", and we told each other about these things and it seemed like not a big deal.

 

Then in April, on a six month junket to North America, he visited here, and we pretended to be FWB, but it didn't work for me emotionally. I felt numb the whole time. When he left to travel on the other side of the continent after a of couple strange weeks he said, "I'll probably start seeing someone." and I said basically "Right, no problem, it's not like we're GF/BF or anything."

 

Then in July, two months before he returned to his homeland, he informed me during one of our nightly hour-plus phone calls that he was seeing someone.

 

My world just shattered. I was shocked at my reaction. I really, really had thought we were "just friends". I guess basically deep inside some tiny but strong part of me was holding on to a hope of us being together some day. I have never met anyone before or since that I've had such strong feelings for, and I've been around the block a couple of times. Also things by phone had become very, very tender and intimate, with us working on our volatility and working through a lot of hurt feelings from our time of living together.

 

I couldn't eat or sleep the entire 6 weeks he was with her, and still we talked every day, sometimes for hours, but now more urgently. I told him exactly everything I was feeling - how upset I was and how surprised and ashamed I was that I hadn't been aware of my own feelings.

 

I wanted to see him, to see if we could head toward a real commitment together at this point. We talked for months about all the usual things and occasionally about whether we should give it a try. He went back to his country without seeing me. I made my feelings very clearly known, but probably pushed a bit much. But at the same time, with these new feelings in me, I showed him nothing but love and caring. I could see clearly how many of our problems came from me not really accepting, trusting and committing to him. Our phone calls got longer, sweeter and more intense.

 

Finally, a month ago I told him I couldn't keep being his best friend unless we were heading toward getting back together for real.

 

He finally said very clearly that I'm the most important person in the world to him, that maybe he even loves me, but he doesn't have the feelings about me that he should toward a wife.

 

So that was that. I told him I needed some time apart from him, that I will always care deeply about him and want to be his friend, but now I need to open the space in my life and my heart for someone who can be a real partner to me. I said I'd talk to him in a month or so.

 

I know it was the right thing to do, but I'm just plain wrecked with grief. I'm doing all the right things to take care of myself. I have a great job, a delightful teenage daughter and a wonderful network of supportive friends to hang out with, but still waves of pain wash over me, and I find myself in tears many times ever day.

 

Has anyone else gone through something like this? How long does it take for the bloody gaping hole to start closing over?

[Freddy]

What does he mean he doesn't have feeling for you like he should for a wife? Sorry but I hate this guy already!

[CalamitousJane]

Just for the record Freddy, I hate your ex too. She's gonna be sorrier than she knows when you do move on.

 

What he means is he thinks he should feel the following (I'm not sure if it's one or all):

 

1. He should feel like he did 20 years ago when he fell in love with a girl from a neighboring village and spent one night with her and then her father forbade her from seeing him and he didn't think of another woman for a solid year. He says that that was the last time he was really in love.

 

2. He should feel like the Prince in the German made-for-tv adaptation of Cinderella.

 

3. He should think about the woman all the time.

 

4. He should be absolutely, 100% sure that she's the "right woman for him".

 

So there you have it.

[Ashbash11]

Oh gosh.. except for a few minor details, your situation sounds very much like mine... Like I mentioned, I tried the "friendship" thing with my ex for 2 years!!! Like you, I thought that it was simply a friendship, but when my ex started mentioning dating other girls, I felt like my heart had just broken.. It was then that I realized that I still had more than just "friend" feelings for him.... And, just like you, my ex told me that he might love me, but he's not "in love" with me..in other words, he cares about me deeply, but he could never imagine getting married to me.

 

So, to make a long story short, I am also doing NC with my ex now.. It's terribly difficult, because he is (was) one of my best friends, and we share the same social circle.. Not talking to him and not seeing him is literally killing me inside, but I've decided to live with the pain of missing him, as opposed to spending time with him and talking to him on the phone everyday, always hoping that someday....someday maybe we will get back together.. It's just not worth it. If he doesn't love me now, most likely he never will. Same with your ex... if he isn't in love with you, he probably never will be. Unfortunately, you can't make someone love you.. I've learned that lesson the hard way.

The only comfort I can offer is that you are doing the right thing. Don't waste your time being "friends" with an ex who you still have feelings for.. you're just hurting yourself in the end. The only way you can truly move on is by letting them GO...... It's going to be hard, you're going to miss him, you're going to wonder what he's doing, but resist the urge to contact him. In fact, whenever you get the urge, post on here, or PM me! I'm in the same situation, and I know how hard it is.....Just stay strong, okay?

[CalamitousJane]

Ashbash - same here! You hang in there too.

 

Couple questions:

 

1. How long have you been NC?

2. How's he handling it?

3. What's hardest for you? For me I'm struggling most with not emailing him links that I know he'd be interested in.

 

I have some different thoughts about "love" and "in love". I think a lot of times "in love" is more about adrenaline than about warmth and closeness. I didn't feel "in love" with my ex until he threatened our connection, seems like it was the same with you.

 

I think the kind of love that makes a good marriage is much more the close, loving sharing that best friends have, with a good dose of wild sexual attraction on the side.

 

My whole life I've been more attracted to the adrenaline than to the real partnership - maybe this is the first time that the dose of fear has coincided with the loving feelings to the extent that I've felt "love" and "in love" at the same time.

 

I can't blame my ex for not feeling "in love" with me - until now I haven't given him any reason to be afraid.

[Ashbash11]

We have only been NC for about 3 weeks now... I know it's not a long time, but I've noticed that I'm feeling a little better about it each week... It seems to get easier, because eventually you force yourself to move on and stop thinking about them so much... To tell you the truth, my ex isn't handling it too well.. I actually saw him briefly last night because one of our mutual friends had a birthday party and he was very hostile toward me.

He's angry that I'm refusing to be his backup plan and his therapist... ugh. Do you know how your ex is handling it? At this point, I don't even think it matters. We are doing what's best for us, you know? You can't worry about how your ex is feeling about the NC. It's for you.

I would say the hardest thing for me at this point is that we live in the same city and we share the same friends. There's really no completely going "cold turkey" so to speak. Even if we are doing NC, I might still have to see him/talk to him sometimes. I guess the other thing is that I don't have any other guys in my life right now, so I am really feeling the void. It really feels like a loss.

[CalamitousJane]

I'm on week five. There are more and more good hours where I feel free and unencumbered, but still there are waves of grief. I finally got all his stuff (from > 2 years ago!) packed away and out of sight. I think today I will finally remove the 2500 emails and the hundreds of songs and pictures that we sent back and forth off of my computer.

 

I'm lucky because he lives more than a third of the way around the globe from me, so I don't run into him much, except in my memory.

 

As to how he's handling it, I think it's shaken him up quite a bit. He called me after nearly four weeks (I suggested a month-long break), and at first he asked somewhat angrily if it was ok for him to call me. I mainly just listened to him and kept it friendly and gentle the whole time. Hearing his voice made me cry, but he knows that's normal for me - dead bugs and sappy TV commercials get me all choked up too.

 

He said that not talking was much, much, harder than he'd expected it would be, and that sometimes he felt real pain in his heart, and the past ten days had been especially hard. This was interesting because the for those ten days I been feeling stronger and more separate! I told him calmly that I do miss talking to him like this, and that I do always want to be his friend, but I reiterated that I need to be much less involved with him now because I need to free up that time and attention for the man who will be my real partner in life.

 

He agreed that this made sense. He told me he'd been thinking a lot about his pattern with women his whole life, and really imagining how it would feel to be devoted to just one person, through thick and thin. Guess he'd never really thought it through before.

 

He asked if he could call me again before Christmas, and I said that was fine, he could call me but not so often. The next day he sent mail, and signed it "with respect and affection for my dearest friend".

 

My path right now is clear. I need to lovingly readjust my relationship with him from "dearest friends" into "good, old friends who care deeply and check in with each other once in a while". I need to get it to a level where my future husband won't be bothered by it at all.

 

One other thing, I think the more I can interact gently but firmly with him, the more we can both keep from getting stuck in the anger, denial and bargaining stages of the loss. I think that will help us move straight quickly through to grief and then to acceptance.

 

Hang in there Ashbash. You know it will get easier!

[Ashbash11]

Yes, "once in a while" is the key, I think. In my case, I wish I could talk to him every single day, but then I ask myself, "what good is going to come of this?" Talking to him just makes me feel emotionally attached again, and then I am back at square one....It was a vicious cycle for the 2 years... I get attached, he pushed me away because he wants to date other girls, I move away, then he pulls me back in.....so, I'm breaking the cycle of insanity.. At least in your case, it sounds like you know what to do and you are recovering well.... keep going

[CalamitousJane]

Knowing what I want helps a lot in deciding what action to take, but sometimes I think it makes it even worse emotionally. The clarity seems to make the grief less muddled and therefore sharper or something.

 

I know part of my internal situation is a very profound change in me. Honestly, a year ago I thought the arrangement was perfect - in my mind we had perfect freedom and a wonderful emotional connection at the same time. Yes, I missed waking up next to him, but at the same time we didn't need to deal with all the mundane struggles of couplehood.

 

The threat of losing him shocked me into a whole new realm.

 

I always used to think I wasn't the jealous type, and I wasn't the "marrying" type. This summer I suddenly discovered that those ideas about myself were just a huge thick suit of armor. It got blown to smithereens when he said he was seeing someone, and I was left incredibly naked and scared. It's taken me months to get used to these new desires. I felt totally insane at first. I've never, never felt jealousy before.

 

The fact is I DO want a mate and a partner - someone to share the rest of my life with. I want to take the kind of closeness my ex and I created with each other and bring it into the daylight, into the world of grown-ups. I want to love, honor, cherish, share with and grown with just one person for the rest of my life.

 

I can't continue to get closer and more deeply involved with someone who doesn't want that with me.

 

Breaking the cycle of insanity is exactly right. It's also like breaking and addiction. And it hurts like hell. But it's the right thing to do, for us and our exes too.

 

Meanwhile, I'm focus\sing as much of my attention as I'm capable on the world beyond him. I've put the word out to my friends that I'm interested in meeting guys, and I even signed up for speed-dating, which should be pretty amusing. Right now I get stomach cramps imagining waking up next to someone else, but I think I could handle a coffee date.

 

Baby steps...

[CalamitousJane]

I feel like sending him a holiday card - I already wrote it:

 

X,

 

Wishing you much peace and happiness.

I will never stop being your friend.

 

J

 

Someone stop me if this is a bad idea!!!

[Ashbash11]

Speed dating is a good idea! I wouldn't recommend online dating, I've tried it. Yes, you are exactly right: baby steps... don't forget that!

I have a feeling that this will take a long time to completely get over... it really is like breaking an addiction to drugs or something...we're going to get cravings from time to time, but we can't give in to them! hehe.

[CalamitousJane]

I'll let you know how the speed-dating goes.

 

I'm still struggling with the holiday greeting idea.question. Now I'm kinda leaning toward not

sending it. Maybe next year I can put him on my card-list in a spirit of true friendliness. Right now the main reason for doing it is that I'm afraid he's feeling like I don't care about him.

 

Which is kinda crazy, I think. Right?

 

Are you sending your ex a card?

[stepheine]

I was in this situation about 2.5 years ago. I was in love with my live in boyfriend, I thought he felt the same, and I thought he was the man I was going to marry. When it came down to it he told me he loved me as a person but was not in love with me that way and couldn't see himself marrying me.

 

When the man you have given your heart to tells you this it is so PAINFUL and it leaves you POWERLESS because YOU can't change the mans feelings.

 

I agree, the way I got over it, though it was hurtful and I thought I never would was by knowing the truth about the way he felt for me. I kept this truth close to my heart and never let go of it. I eventually moved on so I could find someone who felt the same for me.

 

I stayed friends with my ex, he lives close by though, The only difference is for some reason staying friends with him helped me to get over him b/c I felt I wasn't loosing him completely but now he was my friend. We did wait 2 months to be friends though.

 

Now I am completely over him but he is confussed for his feelings for me. He is one of my best friends at this point but I could never be with him again because since he told me he doesn't feel like that about me I can never forget that feelings aren't things you can force on e to have.

 

I think you are doing the right thing by keeping the truth close to heart!! It is painful but it works. Also if you want to send him a card do it, he cares for you and that may be therapy for you. There are no rules do what feels write and ride the situation out to see how things end up. I wish you the best. I hate these situations!!!

[CalamitousJane]

Thanks Stepheine.

 

I'm not surprised that your guy wanted to be with you once you weren't interested anymore. That fits with my "in love" = "being rejected" theory. You see it all the time on LS - the minute one person wants out, the other person wants them back in desperately. It's not really about love, more about fear and loss, but it seems to affect everyone, including me.

 

I'm still thinking about that card. Maybe it doesn't matter very much, as long as I really am taking steps to recover and move on. I like the idea of keeping the truth about his feelings close to my heart. I think it will help to remember those words he said whenever I'm thinking sadly and fondly of him.

[stepheine]

Yes, I know it is hard but it will get better. He will probably want you back once he knows you have moved on!! Then it may be to late. I think all these relationships you just have to play out until the end. You never know what will happen. So do what feels right to you and don't close doors until you are ready to close those doors. You will know when you are ready to close the door and when that time comes it will be easy for you. Until then do what makes you feel the best.

[CalamitousJane]

Right now I feel like the door to limbo is closed. If he comes back wanting to be my partner, he'll be able to figure out how to open it.

 

I think I'll go ahead and send the card. I played a game of imagining the future, when I have a wonderful partner. I imagined relating to my ex as if I were already with this partner. Then my ex would be a dear old friend, who maybe still had some feelings for me. My imaginary husband, being a very generous and open-hearted guy, would be ok with me caring about my ex, and wouldn't mind at all if I sent him a holiday card reminding him that he's my friend. My imaginary husband is not the jealous type, and I love him too much to do anything behind his back. If I'm in touch with my ex again, I want to keep this idea in my mind and heart. I care deeply about him, but he's my dear ex, not my loving, committed partner.

 

Maybe this idea makes sense for anyone in limbo.

[Bellala]

Wow CJ, you're pretty amazing! My question for you is - how did you manage to stay talking with your ex every day even after you broke up? Did you keep calling him? Did he keep calling you?

 

My ex just shut down on me and left. I also thought he was one of my best friends, but he just completely shut down and we went into NC. I'm actually a little afraid of trying to contact him right now, in case he's still in his angry, closed off mood. NC has been good for me, though, given me the space I needed to stop idolising him. But right now I think that if I don't get back together with him, I'm going to have to let him go and do NC indefinitely. I don't think I could be so mature about it as you are, and to put boundaries so clearly around things. I hope that one day I can be like you though!

[CalamitousJane]

Thanks Bellala.

 

That's really sweet, but maybe you missed the part about how I was a snivelling wreck for nearly five months.

 

About keeping a connection, that's just been the thing with this guy - we talked for hours every day from the get-go, although eventually a lot of those hours were eaten up by screaming matches. When he moved away it got easier to hang up the phone, take a deep breath and try again. After a couple of years of long distance practice we had it pretty much back to wonderful support and brainstorming, like it was in the beginning.

 

When he first moved away I was pretty determined to go NC, but within a week it was over. I think it was kind of his idea, but I didn't discourage it very strongly.

 

This is a guy that I KNOW I want to stay in touch with. But since I also want to have a wonderful partner, I need to set up my life so he's not taking the place of a partner, since he seems to not want that with me.

[CalamitousJane]

So suddenly and unexpectedly, everything got a lot easier for me, emotionally. At least for now. The cool part is that it seems to be an internal shift.

 

Maybe I just finally cried all the sorrow out. For weeks and weeks I lived as much in memories of him as in the him-less reality, and every fond thought pierced me like a dagger.

 

At the same time, I was doing my best to scan the horizon during my dry-eyed minutes. I joined a speed-dating service that has an online component, and I amused myself by reading profiles, some of which were actually vaguely appealing, in a creepy electronic way. The whole e-dating thing pretty much freaks me out, but at least it's amusing. I started reading LS addictively. I deepened my relationship with a friend who is going through a really tough separation, and we talked about love and loss every day.

 

Finally at some point, I started really noticing how good the chemistry is between me and a particular acquaintance. He's probably too young for me, and I think he's involved elsewhere, but I started actually being able to imagine getting intimate with someone else, using him as a kind of template.

 

Yesterday my picture got accepted on the online speed-dating site, and I suddenly felt like emailing the most eligible of the bachelors. I sent him one mail, and four others appeared in my inbox. Suddenly I was very distracted from my heartache.

 

The minute I sent my mail I felt a little bit shaky. Suddenly images of my ex were in my head. Within an hour the phone rang, and although his number was blocked I knew it was him. He waited a couple hours, then tried again, then finally tried my other number. The last time he had called I felt all emotional when I heard his voice. This time I felt glad, but quite a bit more distant. Right away he said "You don't sound too happy to hear from me..."

 

I actually was very happy to hear from him, and I enjoyed our talk very much, but all the desperation was gone.

 

The crazy thing is, that by the end of our talk he was asking me all kinds of sentimental questions about family and pets, and seemed very, very eager to set up a time to talk again.

 

Which is an interesting side effect of how well NC is working for me, so far.

[CalamitousJane]

Just a little update - my heart is strangely heavy. I have been feeling so free lately, but right now it's suddenly painful again.

 

Mainly I've been relaxed and happy, thinking of the Ex in a fond and friendly way, with just a pang from time to time. I've been spending lots of time out, enjoying contact with all kinds of people, spending time with friends and family, flirting a bit here and there. I even signed up for a speed dating session with a friend. He has been sending quite a few friendly emails about things we're both interested in and I've responded without prioritizing it. (Keeping the feelings of my imaginary husband in mind, of course!)

 

So I sent him a card and he received it the day before Christmas. He immediately sent me a very sweet email, saying it was the most beautiful card he had ever received and wishing me a merry Christmas. He attached a couple very beautiful fractal patterns, making it more like a card than an ordinary email.

 

I was out of town and busy with family, and sending mail was a slight hassle, so I didn't respond until the day after Christmas. The instant I replied he sent me four emails with interesting links and commentary. Between family and traveling I didn't respond for a couple of days, then sent a single long and thoughtful mail. The following day, yesterday, I got a call at 7 am, just as I was stepping into the shower. When I got out of the shower I checked and found that it was from a blocked number and there was no message. I pretty much knew it was him.

 

Within an hour, there was another long and interesting email about current events, then at 11:30 AM my time (8:30 in the evening his time) he called with his number unblocked while I was on the phone with a friend. He left a message, saying he was just checking on me and would try again later. I have never, ever before heard him sound so grave and hesitant.

 

I had friends coming over so I waited a bit then emailed him that I would be home for a couple hours and would turn on Skype if he wanted to talk.

 

It's been more than a day now, and I have heard nothing from him. No call, no email.

 

I listened to his message again and he sounded so sad and lost. I've never heard him like that before. I'm worried about him. My heart feels very, very heavy right now.

Edited December 31, 2007 by CalamitousJane

[CalamitousJane]

Crazy thing - I was just settling into bed for the night when a friend called. While talking to her I wandered over to the computer, just to see how things were shaking at LS.

 

The minute I touched the mouse, guess who showed up on Skype?!

 

It's pretty late here, and pretty early where he is. I'm invisible so he can't call me.

 

Wonder what's going on?

[CalamitousJane]

So he called again early Wednesday. I had planned to not pick up, but it was early morning and he caught me off-guard.

 

He seemed very nervous, especially at first. I felt strangely calm and relaxed, which was weird because I'd been emotional about him the whole previous day.

 

We talked for more than and hour about all sorts of things that we're both interested in. Talked just a little about what we're both up to. No relationship talk at all this time.

 

It got late and I needed to go to work, so I finished it up kinda quick. Seemed like he had a list of questions for me about my work and my life, and he didn't get through them.

 

I promised that I would have a look at a long YouTube movie he sent and tell him what I thought of it.

 

Since then, nothing from him, a change from his daily emails lately.

 

I'm trying to treat him like I would any distant, dear friend - hoping my feelings catch up with my actions soon.

 

Wondering if I should watch the movie and send him a quick mail about it.

 

That seems like something an ordinary friend would do, right?

[CalamitousJane]

Crazy thing - been thinking about him and feeling him tugging at my heart all morning. Was dying to reach out with an email.

 

Then suddenly three from him appear, one of them mentioning what a good decision "we" made in selling my house while we were together.

 

It seems like "we" are on his mind too.

[CalamitousJane]

The past couple days' he's emailed and called repeatedly. Wanting to line me up for help with a potential international banking problem, wanting feedback on some videos, wanting general support on conspiracy theories that he's much more wedded to than I am. Or maybe I should say he's much more wedded to his conspiracy theories than he ever was to me.

 

At any rate, he's doing his best to get me caught up with him again.

 

He's called me a couple times very late at night and early in the morning the past couple days, and luckily I've been too asleep to pick up. Today he caught me by surprise in the late afternoon (his very early morning). He said he wanted honest feedback on some issues, but when I tried to give it to him gently he was rude and defensive and wouldn't let me finish a sentence.

 

I finally said - "Hey, I feel like this isn't going so well, let's talk another time." And he hung up abruptly and wouldn't pick up when I tried to call him back. I sent him email, telling him how I wanted to help and be supportive, but I didn't know how.

 

At first my heart felt literally torn up. But now I just have a kind of hollow feeling. Earlier that kind of encounter would have ruined my day, now I'm thinking about how my conversation with him was the LEAST rewarding of all my social interactions in at least a week.

 

It's so weird how a couple of months ago I was hoping and praying that he could be a good partner for me. Now it's more and more clear that he can't.

 

I feel awful for him. I don't know what is wrong, really. It seems like he wants me to help him in some way but I don't know how.

[latefragment]

Wow, CalamitousJane - thanks for taking the time to post about the ups and downs of your interactions with your "ex." With each up and down I find myself, pulled 'up' and 'down' along with you, with bated breath.

 

First off I think your avatar picture is beautiful. Are you snowboarding or something?

 

Anyway, I am glad that you have made some progress in sort of um... compartmentalizing isn't the best word for it, but sort of de-prioritizing - that's a bad word for this too. What I mean is, more "de-emphasizing" him to yourself. That came out weird, I mean the amplitude of the 'shock waves' that he creates, the perturbations, are less in your world than they used to be. That's wonderful. I mean, whether things do work out with him or not, it is critical that you examine everything that is going on with a clear mind, and, as is unfortunately the case, one can often not see things too clearly when they're being 'perturbed' out of their natural orbits.

 

For reference i'm in a slightly similar situation, except this romance has barely lasted a couple months. Basically I just returned last week from a trip abroad for a second visit of a guy I had a really intense thing with back in August. It devolved, maybe 60% his fault, but also at least 40% my fault. I'm heartbroken, and writing pages and pages in my journal,... but still keeping my chin up, and being thankful for all the good things in my life. I mean, there's so much to be thankful for, isn't there?

 

I find your 'imaginary husband' idea particularly compelling, too, although I found myself, for the first time today, looking at a family - mom, dad, 3 little tykes - piling into a minivan next to me at Target and, for the first time in many years, thinking to myself, "I may never have this - this may never be me... but I am somehow, strangely at peace with it, because I still have so much to give the world. I mean, it would be sad, but then, not everyone can have everything" and it was somehow comforting. Freeing.

 

(on an unrelated note, I think it's really kick-ss that you are his go-to person for questions about international banking. LOL.)

Edited January 7, 2008 by latefragment