How to handle message from ex.

[Graduate]

Hi everyone,

 

got a message from an ex and I don't know how to handle it.

 

Backstory: He dumped me 3 years ago, claiming that he never wanted to marry or have kids, and I'd hate him one day if we stayed together. Well, a year later he is married with a kid on the way.

 

Anyway, I let him string me along for the first 6 months, but then I went into absolute No Contact. The break-up really broke my heart and it took me 2 years to get over it.

 

In the last 2 years I have heard from him twice, once to tell me he was married with a kid on the way, and then to announce the birth of his child. All of these messages were mass-emails and I was simply included in them. I congratulated him on both occasions and that was that.

 

Last week I get a message from him saying to check out the homepage of his company. Curious me replies and asks when he started his own company. He replies that it was spam, not sent from him and how I am doing anyway. I tell him I am good and that I moved away from my old town.

 

He answers. "Oh, how good that at least one of your dreams came true."

 

Now is it me or is that condescending? I got really upset thinking "How does he know that this is the only dream of mine that came true, and who is he to give me these condescending congratulations? Just because he is married with kids and a great house, doesnt make me a loser, does it?"

 

Anyway, I did not reply and scolded myself for even writing to him. Now he has written me 3! mails asking where I moved to and why I am not telling him.

 

Here is my question: Shall I just ignore him or tell him that I think he is a condescending a.. and I hope the curiosity kills him.

 

I know, this is probably real childish and stupid, but somehow I am really upset. This guy dumps me and breaks my heart, and then he thinks he can just send me messages like that. I really feel like kicking him.

 

I just had to vent, but if any of you have advice or insight, please let me know.

 

Thanks a bunch!

[serendip]

Ignore him

 

he's married and has a kid

 

What do you hope to gain from communicating with him?

[Graduate]

Hi, thanks for replying.

 

What do I hope to gain from this? Closure? Getting it off my chest?

 

I never told him how I felt about him stringing me along for 6 months, and also about some other ****ty things he did.

 

I don't want to bring up old demons, but at least I want him to know that I am not okay with what he does. I mean what guy breaks up with you telling you he really loves you but he doesnt see marriage and children in his future, and then a year later after 6 solid months of No Contact he sends you a message announcing that he is married and an expecting father? I'd never do that to an ex.

 

Believe me, I dont want him back (now that's a scary thought), but I want him to know that his behaviour is wrong. He has always been selfish and proud of it, and I think he doesn't even know that I am mad at him. He probably thinks we are bestest friends and just too busy to stay in touch.

[AHIWON]

He wanted to rub your nose in it and make you feel bad. Revengeful. Makes him feel that he is in control of your emotions. Ignore him.

[BrianG]

Leave the past exactly where it belongs, in the past. Ignore him and continue to move on with your life

[Graduate]

He wanted to rub your nose in it and make you feel bad. Revengeful. Makes him feel that he is in control of your emotions. Ignore him.

 

So it is not just me? You also think his behaviour is totally uncalled for? Thanks.

 

I guess you are right, I should just ignore him, but there is this intense desire to tell him off and to tell him to stay the hell away from me. For good. I never did this because I wanted him to think that I did not care. So I simply dropped off the face of the earth. But this anger at him is still boiling inside of me, and I'd really like him have some of it. Jackass.

[serendip]

Hi, thanks for replying.

 

What do I hope to gain from this? Closure? Getting it off my chest?

 

I never told him how I felt about him stringing me along for 6 months, and also about some other ****ty things he did.

 

I don't want to bring up old demons, but at least I want him to know that I am not okay with what he does. I mean what guy breaks up with you telling you he really loves you but he doesnt see marriage and children in his future, and then a year later after 6 solid months of No Contact he sends you a message announcing that he is married and an expecting father? I'd never do that to an ex.

 

Believe me, I dont want him back (now that's a scary thought), but I want him to know that his behaviour is wrong. He has always been selfish and proud of it, and I think he doesn't even know that I am mad at him. He probably thinks we are bestest friends and just too busy to stay in touch.

 

By telling him off after 3 years....it signals to him that you haven't moved on and that he still has control over you

 

You'll actually make him feel better...it's when you grow indifferent to what ever they do...that's the message you want to get across

 

In other words ignore him...it would affect them more then you telling him off

 

If an ex of mine told me off 3 years after our breakup...I sort of would feel bad for her(b/c I have a soul)...but it wouldn't make me feel ****ty since serious time has passed and I've moved on

[Graduate]

By telling him off after 3 years....it signals to him that you haven't moved on and that he still has control over you

 

You'll actually make him feel better...it's when you grow indifferent to what ever they do...that's the message you want to get across

 

In other words ignore him...it would affect them more then you telling him off

 

If an ex of mine told me off 3 years after our breakup...I sort of would feel bad for her(b/c I have a soul)...but it wouldn't make me feel ****ty since serious time has passed and I've moved on

 

True, I was not planning on telling him off about his behaviour 3 years ago, but about his condescending message I received this week. But obviously all the anger stems back from what happened in the past. I wish I would find a way to let it go, but I have not yet. From the little he has heard from me in the last 3 years, he should think I am perfectly moved on with a great life, but apparently he does not. Or where else does this 'at least one of your dreams' comment stem from?

 

Anyway, this is the message I drafted and thought about sending him. If I don't send it to him, at least I am posting it here. Let's hope it helps me get it off my mind.

 

Curiosity got the cat, didn't it?

I had no problem telling you where I lived, but then I read your last message.

"At least one of your dreams came true."

Seriously? What is that supposed to mean "at least"?

How do you know that not all of my dreams have come true? Do you know about my job, my relationship, etc.? I did not think

so

.

[serendip]

True, I was not planning on telling him off about his behaviour 3 years ago, but about his condescending message I received this week. But obviously all the anger stems back from what happened in the past. I wish I would find a way to let it go, but I have not yet. From the little he has heard from me in the last 3 years, he should think I am perfectly moved on with a great life, but apparently he does not. Or where else does this 'at least one of your dreams' comment stem from?

 

Anyway, this is the message I drafted and thought about sending him. If I don't send it to him, at least I am posting it here. Let's hope it helps me get it off my mind.

Curiosity got the cat, didn't it?

I had no problem telling you where I lived, but then I read your last message.

"At least one of your dreams came true."

Seriously? What is that supposed to mean "at least"?

How do you know that not all of my dreams have come true? Do you know about my job, my relationship, etc.? I did not think

so

.

 

That just tells him that he was right that only one of your dreams came true....if you had a great life...you wouldn't care what he said would you?

 

Best thing is just to let it go and ignore him...who cares what he says and does

 

Now go out there and have yourself a great life...you deserve it

[Graduate]

Hi Serendip,

 

thanks for your input, it helps a lot to hear a guy's point of view. So I am definitely not going to send him this message.

 

It all feels a bit like a deja-vu. When I stopped replying to his messages 2.5 years ago, he suddenly sent me 14 messages in 3 weeks, when before I had only heard from him maybe once every week or ten days. When I did not reply he got really upset and angry and accused my of all kind of things, kinda like your ex.

 

So I'll just delete his messages and hope that this was the last I will ever hear from him.

 

I hope your ex leaves you be and you get over the break-up better than I did.

 

Take care,

Graduate

[serendip]

Hi Serendip,

 

thanks for your input, it helps a lot to hear a guy's point of view. So I am definitely not going to send him this message.

 

It all feels a bit like a deja-vu. When I stopped replying to his messages 2.5 years ago, he suddenly sent me 14 messages in 3 weeks, when before I had only heard from him maybe once every week or ten days. When I did not reply he got really upset and angry and accused my of all kind of things, kinda like your ex.

 

So I'll just delete his messages and hope that this was the last I will ever hear from him.

 

I hope your ex leaves you be and you get over the break-up better than I did.

 

Take care,

Graduate

 

If you don't want any more messages from him...just block him

 

It's not good if he still has this effect on you after 3 years

 

Sometimes I think I should listen to my own advice and block my ex...cuz it does me no good

[ninjaturtles]

On a normal day, I may have adviced you to get what ever you have off your chest. However, I advice you to leave this

 

He is married, he contacted you only 2ce to let you know about his marraige and kid. That is cruel and callous...My goodness..How long did you date this man for?

 

Did you cheat on him during your relationship? Or what?

 

Please ignore this man. I cant belive he would have the guts to do so. Wow...To think I had been through problems.

Anyway honey, Please ignore him. In all honesty, you dont need to ever contact this guy, he is married with a child. I hope you are not too upset at the moment.

 

Dont look back please...xxx

[Graduate]

Hi Ninja,

 

thanks for your message and don't worry, I am not too upset, after all it's been 3 years.

 

No, I never cheated on him or anything like that. We dated for 3 years, I was over 30 and I guess I started to push for commitment. I figured I'd want to start having children before I hit 35. So he told me that he'd never want to marry or have kids and in order not to waste my time, he was going to set me free.

 

I tell you, it hurt a lot. I felt like I was losing the love of my life over my old-fashioned wish of having kids, and who knew if I'd ever meet another guy to have a family with? (It's been 3 years and I am still single, so I guess the answer was no).

 

Anyway, so he broke up with me but kept stringing me along by telling me that he still loved me, but he really did not want to waste my time. As if I would be able to move on with him hanging around.

 

So after 6 months I simply did not reply to his messages anymore and did not take his calls. I had this whole letter written out about how I did not want to hang around while he made up his mind, but people adviced me to move into total No Contact if I wanted to have a chance of him asking me to get back together.

 

Well, next time I heard from him was to tell me that he was married with a kid on the way. I guess you can imagine how that hurt. I wanted to be the bigger person, so I sent him a congratulations mail. I guess that inspired him to inform when his daughter was born. Another painful moment. Since then it has been quiet, till last week, when I got this email about his company.

 

So that's it, the sad story of my break-up. It still hurts, but luckily I dont think that much about it. Though I have always wanted to sit down with him and find out what was really going on back then. And now I'd just like to ask him what is wrong with him for contacting me in that way after all the pain he caused me.

[ninjaturtles]

I can only but imagine the pain you must have been through...Welcome on board, there are many stories and lots of advice to keep you going.

You never know the future, you have been single for three years, but bad times dont last forever. I am sure you have grown a lot over this time. You will fall in love again.......Even if you dont believe it.

 

The problem with contacting him arises with the possible responses. What if he says things to you, things that would only end up hurting more..That's the problem...It would be sad if old wounds are re-opened.

Is he worth it?

Think about it.xx

[randuff]

I would leave it be as well. Responding would only make him think "she still isn't completely over me." You don't want that whether is is fact or fiction.

 

Just my two cents.

[Flavia]

I'm proud of you for stopping the dialogue so quickly. You've been classy. That took some strength, and you succeeded.

[Graduate]

Hi guys,

 

just thought I'd let you know what happened since I last posted.

 

I received ANOTHER message from him. This one was titled "the last time", and in it he threatened that if I did not reply to his messages, this was the last time I would ever hear from him.

 

What is wrong with this guy? We broke up over 3 years ago and I have not seen or talked to him in 2.9 years besides those two instances where I congratulated him via email on his wedding and birth of his child.

 

How can he think that I even care if I hear from him or not? Ever since he broke up with me, I have NEVER initiated contact with him, only replied to about 50% of his messages in the first 6 months and then ignored everything after that.

 

I am telling you, he lives in a fantasy world. If you ever wondered what NC was doing to your ex, I will tell you: It absolutely confuses them.

 

Apparently he really thinks we are friends and just too busy to stay in touch on a regular basis.

 

Looking back I really wish I had sent him a short message before I went into NC. Nothing emotional just along the lines of 'I think it is better if we don't stay in touch, as hearing from you really doesn't do anything for me anymore'. By not doing that he never really knew what happened, and according to mutual friends at the time, he assumed that I had met somebody else, who did not want me exchanging messages with my ex.

[Crestfallen_KH]

I think you've been very classy.

 

Continue ignoring him. The "this is the last time!" approach is extremely juvenile. He hates that he has no control over you and that you aren't just soo curious as to what he's up to.

 

If you respond, you'll just be teaching him that what it takes to get a response from you is to threaten "this is the last time." It sounds as if you aren't going to respond, so keep that up. Eventually he'll figure it out and go away.

 

I shouldn't presume what's going on in his life, but I bet he's hit a rough patch and/or feels bad about what he did and he wants to feel you out to see your reaction to him.

 

Best reaction? No reaction.

 

Good for you! I don't even know you, and I'm proud of you.

[Graduate]

Good for you! I don't even know you, and I'm proud of you.

 

Thanks , that's sweet of you!

 

I am not planning on writing to him, I am just amazed by his denial of what is going on.

 

2.5 years ago, when I stopped answering any of his messages, he sent me a similar ultimatum and when I ignored that as well, he contacted my family and friends to find out what was going on. I wonder if that's what's going to happen now. I better brief everyone I know not to give him any info.

 

You are right, we should not presume on what is going on with him right now, but I must admit I would not mind if his life sucked. I remember he had all these high plans and ambitions, would it not be funny if he was the one whose dreams did not come true, instead of me? I bet he thought I'd never get over him; it must bother him that I have never once begged him to come back or stay in my life.