LoveLace Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Remember the post yesterday about men and women, signals, approaching each other, etc? One night last week when I was dropping Dan off at home, he said that after his car got fixed he would "pick me up and take me out"...I said..."Ok"...I've realized I'm always holding back enthusiasm, for the sake of not appearing desparate. Is this a bad idea? When he got the car fixed, he came over 2 days later and hung out, sex, but didn't spend the night because he had to work at 5:30am...understandable. Now we have quite a sexual based thing going here. However it's started to feel little bit like more lately. I told him about the sex-toy party I was going to on Saturday and said I'd call him after. I called him after and left a message that I had some "fun stuff for us to play with"...and didn't get a call back. Last night was 4 days later, Dan calls. I switched him to voice mail...no message. Waited 30 min, called him back, and he's calling because he wanted a weed hook-up! Well I've done this favor for him a couple times since I've known him. Plus, I wanted some too so it was convenient. He came over and drove to get the goods with me. I basically just chatted as I would with anyone. Then he brings up the night I called and says, "sorry I was out, but tell me about that again?"....so I tell him all about the sex-toy thing. We started talking about preferences, things he wants me to do, what I want to do, etc...I like the openness here... But he's also asking me things like where did I go to high school?...it still seems we get to know each other better every time we talk. But he has yet to ask about taking me out again. I wasn't mad about him calling for the favor, know why? Because if I don't get mad at him for calling just to screw, why get mad about this? Plus, I call him for the same favors...but like I said getting to know each other has been a lot more involved lately. So I take him home last night and he shows me the new car before going in. He hugged me tightly, kissed me goodbye like any boyfriend would. His parents were home, my roommate was home....so sex wasn't option to us. We were still talking and walking away from each other like in the movies....he's like, "Well I gotta get this inside, so..."....I said, "Oh yea? Well I'm going out tomorrow night...(with a gf)..."....He says,..."Well I'm not..." I laugh then he explains that Friday night is a big night of plans because of a local music show he's going to....he menitoned a really cool place I'm familiar with, so I shared the enthusiasm...."Maybe I'll stop by..." I said, call me or I'll call you, can't remember which I said.....Dan: "Well, I will just definitely be there"....you know like, you'll for sure see me if you come. I leave and it's almost strange to part without having sex, although it HAS happend a couple times with us. Why did he forget about "taking me out" again? Does he want me to go see him Friday night?
heidiQ Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Kinda sounds to me like you two are in FWB territory...
Jilly Bean Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I agree with Heidi. He is a FWB, booty call, whatever you want to call it. Thing is, LL, you have directly contributed to the problem. You are upset you are not dating, yet you have allowed him to not take you out and still get sex out of it. You are bummed he seems to only be interested in sex, yet you have sex with him, or tell him that you are going to a toy party, and you have bought things for the two of you to use. He calls you for dope, and you go and get it. See the problem? What you are complaining about is what you are enabling. So, always remember - we teach people how we want to be treated. How do you think you contributed to how things are now? He could be here for just a wake-up call in your life on how you behave with men, and then you wonder why you are disappointed in the dynamic. This is not a bad thing, if it all brings you to a point of learning about yourself and making some changes. Right?
Author LoveLace Posted December 13, 2007 Author Posted December 13, 2007 Well I've been okay with the just sex thing, since I AM not dating...I didn't expect us to like, start having intelligent conversation and stuff. I didn't expect to start seeing and liking more about his personality. And he's actually taken me out many times, I just don't know why he went back on it this time. But at the same time he seems to grow more interested in me as a person too. But trust me, he's done favors for me, as well. Last night I told myself this is just going to be a favor and completely non-sexual. But once together we talk about our sex and about each other's lives, which just happened, not on purpose. I've just found it so easy to be more open with him lately, I guess my question is why? It's been purely fun/sexual on & off for 2 years, now all of a sudden we have stuff in common and talk as much as we f*ck? It's all been great, I just don't understand it...
Star Gazer Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 LL, you and Dan sound just like me and my old FWB, except with you and Dan, I sense that you're starting to "catch feelings" for him. Am I right? My FWB and I went to dinner together, went to NBA games together, would go dancing together, would have pizza and DVDs together, etc. We talked about work, how to deal with work issues, what was going on with our families, etc. Yes, we got to know each other. How can you not get to know someone to some degree when you're spending time with them? FWB does not mean literally "just sex." There is conversation, there is some sharing, there is understanding. But unfortunately, it doesn't necessarily mean there's a real relationship there either. What counts is how he's treating you when you're apart, when you're not having sex. You spend days without even speaking to him, and then he calls you for favors and weed. That's not romantic. You've led him thus far to believe a sex-based relationship is sufficient for you, but I really, really think we all know better than that. You want more. If you want it, you're going to have to ask for it. If Dan can't give it to you, find someone else who can...you deserve that.
Jilly Bean Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I'm confused. So then you are wondering why this is suddenly changing from FWB to possibly something more substantial? Is this not a good thing for you?
Author LoveLace Posted December 13, 2007 Author Posted December 13, 2007 I'm confused. So then you are wondering why this is suddenly changing from FWB to possibly something more substantial? Is this not a good thing for you? It is a good thing...maybe I'm freaking out a bit, I don't really know, I don't know how I really feel about him other than I know I have a blast with him and apparently talk easily, something I'm just now discovering...I don't know what's puzzling me exactly...I've just been going with the flow and not getting p*ssed about little things like I used to; and even though I like him I have trouble picturing a "serious" relationship with him, for some reason...
Author LoveLace Posted December 13, 2007 Author Posted December 13, 2007 LL, you and Dan sound just like me and my old FWB, except with you and Dan, I sense that you're starting to "catch feelings" for him. Am I right? My FWB and I went to dinner together, went to NBA games together, would go dancing together, would have pizza and DVDs together, etc. We talked about work, how to deal with work issues, what was going on with our families, etc. Yes, we got to know each other. How can you not get to know someone to some degree when you're spending time with them? FWB does not mean literally "just sex." There is conversation, there is some sharing, there is understanding. But unfortunately, it doesn't necessarily mean there's a real relationship there either. What counts is how he's treating you when you're apart, when you're not having sex. You spend days without even speaking to him, and then he calls you for favors and weed. That's not romantic. You've led him thus far to believe a sex-based relationship is sufficient for you, but I really, really think we all know better than that. You want more. If you want it, you're going to have to ask for it. If Dan can't give it to you, find someone else who can...you deserve that. Wow Star that's one h*ll of a FWB!!! Sounds more like my ideal boyfriend.
Jilly Bean Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I don't know what's puzzling me exactly... I'm sure it will come to you, soon enough. Could be fear of being happy, or could be something sinister. Who knows. For now, go with the flow, enjoy how it is evolving, because it is a changin' !
Kamille Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Well I've been okay with the just sex thing, since I AM not dating...I didn't expect us to like, start having intelligent conversation and stuff. I didn't expect to start seeing and liking more about his personality. And he's actually taken me out many times, I just don't know why he went back on it this time. But at the same time he seems to grow more interested in me as a person too. But trust me, he's done favors for me, as well. Last night I told myself this is just going to be a favor and completely non-sexual. But once together we talk about our sex and about each other's lives, which just happened, not on purpose. I've just found it so easy to be more open with him lately, I guess my question is why? It's been purely fun/sexual on & off for 2 years, now all of a sudden we have stuff in common and talk as much as we f*ck? It's all been great, I just don't understand it... It is a good thing...maybe I'm freaking out a bit, I don't really know, I don't know how I really feel about him other than I know I have a blast with him and apparently talk easily, something I'm just now discovering...I don't know what's puzzling me exactly...I've just been going with the flow and not getting p*ssed about little things like I used to; and even though I like him I have trouble picturing a "serious" relationship with him, for some reason... I hope for you sake you're seriously not considering a relationship with this guy. I know you say a little action is better then no action but he sounds like a waste of your time to me. While you're out on weedruns for Dan, you're not actually free to be looking for a guy you might actually be able to build a relationship with. I do think you are learning something valuable: guys love easy going, drama-free, level-headed women. It's just that it's wasted on a guy who only returns phone calls at his convenience and for his convenience. Use this new knowledge, and this new power on the dating scene to find someone you might actually be able to have a real relationship with.
Author LoveLace Posted December 13, 2007 Author Posted December 13, 2007 Maybe that's all it is Kamille, that I'm learning through changing my own behavior and perspective, that most (but not necessarily all) results are better that way. I haven't considered a real relationship with him though, because I have no knowledge of him doing so with me. And earlier, as I wrote, I have attempted to picture a "relationship" with him for kicks, and it was blurry but I don't know why, it just was. As for last night, I wasn't wasting any time that I could have spent meeting other guys because if it weren't for a weed run, my plans were stay home! However tonight I might be going out with a single girl I know and also going to a place I've never been. I'm dying to get a new crush even though Dan's so much fun....I don't look at him and get that "Ahhh" feeling...
norajane Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Does he have 'real' relationships with women? Has he ever had a long-term, committed relationship? Does he date? Does he fall in love? Does he talk about wanting to be in love and have a solid relationship? If not, he's content to have FWB's, and as long as it's easy and fun, he'll go with the flow. Doesn't mean he wants a relationship, and doesn't mean you are his only FWB.
Author LoveLace Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 Does he have 'real' relationships with women? Has he ever had a long-term, committed relationship? Does he date? Does he fall in love? Does he talk about wanting to be in love and have a solid relationship? If not, he's content to have FWB's, and as long as it's easy and fun, he'll go with the flow. Doesn't mean he wants a relationship, and doesn't mean you are his only FWB. I agree Nora. But actually he has a history of very long-term relationships...has always said that he's 2 that lasted 6 years...was engaged once but I don't recall what caused that to fall through. I wanna say maybe she was cheating but I'm not 100% sure there. I met him 2 yrs. ago through online personals...his ad made it sound like he was looking for something serious, like a partner in life. But his actions didn't exactly match that, back then anyway. But he DOES still say he doesn't want to be engaged again...he may just want a partner but no marriage; I myself could be happy either way. It could be that he's just careful with who he gets close to if he got hurt in the past, I don't know....I don't think I'm going to the show he'll be at tonight though...I'm tired today...besides it'd be nice if he called wondering why I'm not there or something...I don't want it to seem like I"m playing hard to get I'll just be tired...but whatever I guess!
Ariadne Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Hi, Now we have quite a sexual based thing going here. However it's started to feel little bit like more lately. Deperate, desperate you... now she's falling for Dan even. Well, at least you are not picky or anything. Last night was 4 days later, Dan calls. I switched him to voice mail...no message. And now "Dan" is getting creeped out. It's magic! Poor LL, it must be tough really, and she tries hard not to be desperate and it bites on her again. ...."Maybe I'll stop by..." I said, call me or I'll call you, can't remember which I said.....Dan: "Well, I will just definitely be there".... And now she's chasing after him. Well, she got over the roomate, the other M fiance, and this is probably not going to be a big deal since they didn't have a deep anything. LL, at least is exciting... Ariadne
Author LoveLace Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 Exciting? Ha, not really! And I won't be chasing, because I don't feel like going there tonight...I'm having dinner with girls then home to bed. Unless one of them talk to me into going or something, but it's not likely since I have to wake up at 6am tomorrow. And your right it's not a big deal a to me, because to say I'm falling for him is an overstatement, I started to like him a little more as a person to hang out with though. My closest friends tell me I'm "picky" all the time actually, and they go on to say they respect me for that. They tell me they are proud of me because years ago I was more passive; over the last few years they've seen me speak my mind more than ever. Even my roommate told me that just a couple weeks ago...that I tell guys "how it is". Dan does his fair share of chasing, believe me. That's one thing that's been a 2 way street for us but it's only when one hasn't called the other for a few days. Hardly anything to be "creeped out" about, I don't go to his house and spy or anything....Ariadne!
Ariadne Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Hi, I don't go to his house and spy or anything....Ariadne! Yeah, I know what you mean. I did that... Ariadne
Author LoveLace Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 But wouldn't it be cool to be a fly on the wall when we're not with our BF's, ha...
Ariadne Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Oh yeah! I always had this dream of being the invisible man. I loved the invisible man, to be right there with him, all along... Sigh..... Ariadne
Author LoveLace Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 Oh yeah! I always had this dream of being the invisible man. I loved the invisible man, to be right there with him, all along... Ariadne ...Oh if Only....Cheaters wouldn't stand a chance....
Racquel Colette Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 He's not that into you, and you're into him because of that, if that makes sense. It makes you a bit more interested in him because of the fact that he's not interested in you.
Author LoveLace Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 He's not that into you, and you're into him because of that, if that makes sense. It makes you a bit more interested in him because of the fact that he's not interested in you. Actually I've found the opposite to be true. The more interested he seems in me, the more I start to like him. I saw him over the weekend but his friends were around and we were at this club, I was with a girlfriend of mine who talked me into going but I didn't feel all that comfortable with it. He bought me drinks and introduced me to his friends, of whom I actually already knew 2 of them; anyhow he didn't seem to mind I was there but later on the phone he acted like kind of a jerk, and he was drunk but that's no excuse. So right now, no I"m not more interested him and I haven't called him since then. If he wants to make it up to me he will. If not it's too bad because I like him but if someone acts like a jerk the last thing it makes me is more interested. And the reason we talked on the phone later is because he was blowing it up like crazy after I left the club, even though I told him I was done and going home for the night.
Ariadne Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Hey LL, You might even end up in a rel with Dan. He must know you by now and all your problems you had before etc. Now this might work though... don't despair. Not sure if you'll like the guy too much, but, never know. Ariadne
Author LoveLace Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 What do you mean problems I've had before? Dan knows about my family background and where I grew up and went to school; he knows I was engaged when I was much younger; and he knows my roommate's drug problems; and he knows I"m a nursing student. That's pretty much it. He suspects history between my roommate and me but there is no history there, at least not the kind he's thinking of.
Ariadne Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Oh, I meant about you being clingy/controlling with guys etc. He knows the way you are and won't freak out. Ariadne
Author LoveLace Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 OMG I admit to feeling needy sometimes but I've never been the "controlling" type; Speaking my mind might have come off as controlling before but I've never tried to control a guy's life for him. Dan's known me for 2 years so if I was that "controlling" I'd doubt we'd still know each other.
Recommended Posts