Fiance dumped me two days before Thanksgiving

[flosslight]

Hello all. I have be reading love shack since around Thanksgiving but did not actually post anything. I have decided that I want to respond to people's posts but thought people might want to know my back story.

 

I'm 25 and have dated a bit, but only got into one serious relationship. I just never really met anyone before that I wanted to get serious with. I also had some problems from my youth that I decided to work on before worrying about relationships.

 

When I was 23, I meet this funny 18 year old at the college I was finishing up at. He was just starting. He was fun and attractive. I decided to just go out with him without worrying about whether he was right for me in the long run and just date. We both came in thinking fling especially since we were at different stages at life.

 

He asked me to be his girlfriend about 2 months in and I said I had to think about it, but a couple weeks later thought, "Why not". He said he loved me first a few weeks after that and I said it back. I was a bit skittish in the begining and we made some mistakes (nothing super serious). We always communicated and worked on our problems.

 

Things progressed - we became engaged about a year and half later. Then we move into together and start planning the wedding. I was still a bit wary of the whole commitment thing. I kept asking "Are you sure you want to get married at 21?" I could not have got married that young. "Can you handle having kids when you are 24 or 25"? Because again I did not want them until I was older thant that. He kept on reassuring me. I finally decided I have to believe him and stop asking that question or I might push him away. I stopped worrying and just believed him.

 

I went through a mild depression because of a crappy job and some other reasons. He was always there and I quit the job. I looked around and realized that I had been retreating and having a hard time. I started to get more happy and involved with everything. I started to focus on planning the wedding that I had stopped thinking about.

 

We started to have problems near the end of my depression and I accepted a lot of the blame because I was still emotional and thought I got upset easily. He was yelling at me a lot so I said maybe you should think about the relationship to him. He came home after working 5 hours at midnight and said he was done. I told him to think about it but I was still shocked. I asked if we could work on it and he said no. I think if he stuck to the reasons I thought we were fighting I would have been really upset but less shocked.

 

He told me he never really thought about getting married or having kids, and I guess it just hit him. He said he had been working on things for months. I was like "What things?" He said he had trouble expressing himself and did not tell me. I said I could not work on things I did not know existed and I would like to have a chance. He said nope. He was done. He said he felt like a leech and wanted to be more independent but he also said he wanted to be immature and selfish. There were so many reasons he gave. I of course did the typical reaction of crying a lot and begging him to take me back.

 

He left the next morning for a trip where we were both going to see his parents in another state. I was no longer going and had to make new Thanksgiving plans. He still wanted me to hug him at the door like we always did. I went into shock and later thought I could not let my family leave me like that. I figure he was pushing me away but he needed help. I called him later at the night to tell him that I could get another ticket and celebrate Thanksgiving with him. He said he needed time with his family. I told him we needed to still talk about things - even if we stayed broke up or together - we needed to talk. He sighed loudly and said "I thought we were done" I was so hurt. I was like hell yea we are. He then said he had to go but he would call me later that night. I said No you won't" He said "Yes he would" He did not talk to me again till he got back the Monday after Thanksgiving.

 

All during the Thanksgiving break, I ended up being the one to tell everyone. His best friends would call me to hang out and then I was the one to break the news. Everyone was shocked because he never even said he was having problems to anyone.

 

At that point, I no longer wanted him back logically. Emotionally - hell yes. But there was no way that anyone was going to treat me so poorly. He did not have to lie to me and he also did not have to be so mean. I wished he had let me down easier. I know it is hard to have the dumpee contact you but it had only been 24 hours. It was our first talk since he dumped. He did not care enough to think maybe I was still in denial. We had been together for 2 1/2 years.

 

When he got back, I had already moved out and wanted nothing to do with him. We had to drive around town to get each other off accounts. I thought so poorly of him, that I wanted to make sure it happened so he could not affect my credit score. We talked and he still had tons of reasons to break up with me. I told him I wish he had seriously talked to me earlier because the break up would have been more mutual. He informed he did not accept who I was. "I did not know how to live and planned for the future too much" Knowing he did not like me for who I was, I would never had stayed with him.

 

Since then, he has been an immature jerk. I have only called him once since the break up to just call. I only begged to get him back in the first 24 hours. We sadly have a lot of common interests and a large amount of mutual friends. We also have had some minimal contact to give back each other stuff and deal with money matters.

 

In that time, he has flirted with me. He has hugged me because it hurt to break up with me so much. I have to keep on telling him what the boundaries are. He never wants to get back together so I do not get confused about his mixed signals but they do anger me. I was hoping he would tell me he fell out of love because then there was nothing either could do and we would never have the possibility of getting back. No, he still loves me and likes me supposably. We both agreed to not being friends but being civil since we will end up at the same gatherings. We have already had that happened but then he wants me to treat him like a friend. Trying to give high fives or get me to touch him. I keep saying no I need time and I do not want to touch you even a little bit.

 

I don't expect people to read all of this long post but it felt good to write it. Love shack has helped me quite a bit. I still cry a lot, get angry, think I have accepted it a bit, and then cycle all over again.

[Ronni_W]

Hey.

I'm sorry you're going through this. There's never a "good" time but towards the end of the year is kinda the worst time.

 

It sounds like you're doing and thinking all the things that'll help you feel better sooner.

 

Wishing you all the best in the future.

[cant let go]

You sound like you are doing well considering how recent the break up was. I'm almost 3 months out and it has been getting worse lately. Perhaps it is the holidays. I see some striking similarities in the way your ex broke it off with you to my story. Like claiming to have never wanted it to work out long term or being able to see a future.

 

We also have many of the same social circles and we unfortunately work at the same company. I think the biggest obstacle in my way of accepting and getting past this is that he is now dating (and has been since the day after he dumped me) another female at work. I'm not in his dept anymore but she sits right next to him. I see him a lot more than her because she doesn't go out for lunch and he does.

 

They are very secretive about their relationship (something both of them are good at because they both have experience hiding previous relationships with coworkers). My mind just races throughout the day. I saw the two of them walking together today. They were both on their way to separate meetings but it just kills me to even admit that they coexist. Augh. Sorry for ranting on your thread. Welcome to the boards! Keep posting.