how do I win her back?

[foycur]

Long story short. Married ten years, wife is beautiful, three boys are a handful but good kids and loving. I ignored her emotional needs for a long time...did ****ty stuff like not bring her anything when the boys were born, forgot our 8th year wedding anniversary, been involved in plenty of arguments where we've both slung the mud and said bad stuff. In the past two years things have been pretty rough; we moved to a new assignment for me, I ended up getting sick with some bizaaro autoimmune thing (which has cleared, but I'm still scarred from the whole thing), our third little boy came along just over two years ago, she has nearly completely withdrawn from me, and I haven't gotten a kind word from her for a long, long time. I have talked about divorce before and threatened to leave when my anger was out of control, and she never said "alright, time to go". She said she wanted me to leave in the past, but it would always wind up being glossed over, we'd move on, and things would be status quo. In the past three months, I have made fundamental changes in my cognition, my way of thinking, and being sure my boys get the attention they always have deserved (I work long hours and at times I come home and just want to collapse and do nothing). My wife also met someone about a month ago who recharged her batteries emotionally, she denies any sexual encounters with him and I believe her. I just bought her a ten year diamond wedding anniversary band, because our 10th anniversary came and went without any real recognition because she was just so miserable..had been for so long..and I felt doing something would have been unappreciated or hypocritical (that's the stupidest thing I think I've ever typed). I haven't given it to her yet, I wanted to wait until Christmas. She is currently in the "I don't know" stage...still physically distant from me. We're supposed to go away for a night while we have family here for Christmas, nice romantic evening. I asked her if she still wanted to go and said "I guess so". how do I take that? I don't want to spend an evening sleeping on the floor if I can help it.

 

I want to save my marriage. I want to treat my wife the way she has deserved to be treated, I want my kids to grow up with a father who is not a jackass, and most of all I want my wife to love me again. I so badly want to get 'in her face' and talk about things, but it seems to make things worse. My spider sense tells me that she has very likely made up her mind and is waiting for after the holidays. I guess this is a part advice seeking letter, part get it off my chest letter. I don't want to give up, but I don't want to hang on and hope for something that never comes.

[WaterTiger]

I will tell you flat out, it's very, VERY hard to win someone back, ESPECIALLY if there is another guy out there "charging her batteries". (Sexual or not, he has her thinking there is something out there better than you.)

 

My idea is this. When you give her the ring on Christmas, do it alone and quietly. When you give it to her, tell her what you told us, that you realize you've been a jackass and want to rededicate yourself to your family and her. Then ask her to renew your wedding vows.

 

If she's already made up her mind, she will say no. If she's open to discussion, she might say "I don't know" or "YES!" Either way, I strongly suggest counciling for the both of you.

[armywife915]

I will tell you flat out, it's very, VERY hard to win someone back, ESPECIALLY if there is another guy out there "charging her batteries". (Sexual or not, he has her thinking there is something out there better than you.)

 

My idea is this. When you give her the ring on Christmas, do it alone and quietly. When you give it to her, tell her what you told us, that you realize you've been a jackass and want to rededicate yourself to your family and her. Then ask her to renew your wedding vows.

 

If she's already made up her mind, she will say no. If she's open to discussion, she might say "I don't know" or "YES!" Either way, I strongly suggest counciling for the both of you.

 

Perfectly put. That is exactly what I would want to hear if I were in her shoes. Especially the jackass part

[Tripper]

WaterTiger has given you some excellent advice. I'll try to add to it.

 

She sounds like she's at the "indecision" stage so you may still have a chance. While you can give her the ring and tell her these thoughts, your actions will speak volumes much louder than your words.

You will need time that she may or may not be willing to give you. If you can convince her to stay and work on the marriage you will need to do several things.

Agree to go to MC; this will be more than one or two sessions. You will need to be brutally honest with both yourself and her as to why you let things get to this state and show her that you are truly remorseful.

Since talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words, you will have to show her you say what you mean and do what you say. This will take time so if you can get her to commit to trying for the next 6 months you may have a shot at this. Then you had better deliver.

If you are going to disagree about life's issues, learn to fight fair. No mudslinging, name calling etc.

 

As to the other man, dicey situation. If you both are truly going to give this a go, she needs to avoid "recharging her batteries" with this guy. And only she can bring that about. I would think this would be best discussed with a MC.

 

You definitely have your work cut out for you. Good Luck

[TonyD]

I agree with WaterTiger and Tripper for the most part. Very good advice. But you have to not only work on "winning" her back - you have to work on changing the way you think. You've been taking advantage of your marriage for 10 years - kind of the "I've got her and now I don't have to do any more work" attitude.

 

Clearly: if you've been an ass you need to fess up to it. And you need to change the way you think. Right now, you're scared and threatened - so you're realizing that you screwed up. But how does she know that you won't revert back? You have to really work on it.

 

There is a good chance you can get her back, but it will take swallowing your ego and taking whatever she dishes out when you tell her that you realize how neglectful you've been.

 

You have driven the passion out of her via neglect. Neglect makes a woman feel insecure, unworthy, and just plain bad about herself. So she is gravitating toward this other guy who makes her feel worth something. He makes her feel good again. YOU have to become the guy who makes her feel good. Make it so she does not have to look outside for her emotional needs. Make it so she deosn't want to look outside. Look at www.igniteherpassion.com - it discusses exactly what we are talking about.

 

As for the ring and the renewal of vows. I think you need hold off on that to bring your issues up first. I would not pop out a ring, a confession of being a jerk and a proposal all at the same time. I think you may do well to start showing a change within yourself first. IMO you would do well to sit down and talk to her - beginning with: "I know I haven't been a very good husband to you, and I want to work on changing that." And then be honest with her. It's a BIG emotional risk for you, so be ready - she may not believe you - she may scoff. After all, it's been 10 years. But if you are sincere and you don't get defensive and you SHOW her a change of heart, you can prevail. Your reaction to her response is CRITICAL - do not get angry no matter what she does - just take it. I don't know if you are religious at all, but you may just throw up a prayer or two - it couldn't hurt.

 

And even if she says "No!" - you still have a chance. Women react on emotion - and when you fess up, she's going to have all kinds of things going on in her head - she might be thinking of all the past wrongs and be wanting to call you out on all of them. It could be pretty overwhelming for her - so get ready. Her first reaction and the first couple of days (perhaps weeks) may not be her final reaction. Let her vent - let her do whatever she needs to do. Then, when the dust has settled, bring out that ring, ask her for forgiveness, and propose to her again from the bottom of your heart.

[foycur]

Last night, I grabbed my wife's laptop to browse the internet since the desktop was busted. When I got onto my email webpage, her account sat there. Wide open to look at. Given the recent history of events, I sat there for at least five minutes before I decided to open it and see what was going on. In it I found an email that an old boyfriend had sent...an old boyfriend from college that she was very close to, both him and his family. The email from him basically stated that she really needed to give this a try and work on stuff, and that he wouldn't be involved in any behind the back relationships. She had been searching for him for over a year, and finally found him a few months ago. A couple of emails back and forth used her pet name (both she and her used it). I confronted her on this knowing full well that I'd get an ass reaming for opening her email, and she told me that they had always been friends and had understood each other. She told me there would be no way they could get back together despite being friends because they had tried in the past and it didn't work. I had always been a bit suspicious about this sudden reinterest in an old boyfriend...it wasn't like they maintaned contact all of these years, and she has never openly talked about him or to him in front of me. So now my head is really spinning.

 

All of things that have been recommended on here have been done. I've admitted to being an ass at times, ignoring her, gotten on my knees in front of her. She is worried (rightfully so) that I"ll just go back to being my old self, which I can say with truth that I will not...I've tried to change before and never really took it seriously, just figured it would stick. Someone brought up the whole "I've got you now and I don't need to work at it" thing, and you were exactly right. I just sort of took everything for granted.

 

I still want to remain in this marriage and work on this, but I've got a sinking feeling she's already given up on this and is just waiting to tell me after the holidays. I think that nice ring I bought is going to go back for now and we'll see where things go from here. Now I need to figure out a present for her that says "I love you, I'm sorry I've ignored you, and I want to make this work" without going over the edge with an anniversary band.

[Tripper]

She had been searching for him for over a year, and finally found him a few months ago. A couple of emails back and forth used her pet name (both she and her used it). I confronted her on this knowing full well that I'd get an ass reaming for opening her email,

 

foycur, this to me is a big red flag. It seems you have some communication and trust issues. You REALLY need to have a very serious and open discussion and you need to do this very soon. I doubt you can do this by yourselves, hence the suggestion of MC. You need someone to referee, arbitrate and guide you. You need to be totally open to discuss what's going on in your heads and your hearts.

 

 

 

All of things that have been recommended on here have been done.

I still want to remain in this marriage and work on this, but I've got a sinking feeling she's already given up on this and is just waiting to tell me after the holidays.

 

Whether she tells you before or after the holidays it is still painful now and will be painful later. If you really want to save the marriage open the lines of communication and somehow you are going to have to change your behaviour towards her now and forever and PROVE it. And that takes time so you need commitment from her.

 

 

Now I need to figure out a present for her that says "I love you, I'm sorry I've ignored you, and I want to make this work" without going over the edge with an anniversary band.

 

Google "marriage retreat" and book a weekend at one of the properties as a gift to her. It's may not be sexy in your eyes, but you may just convince her to give your marriage a chance if she see you are this serious.

[foycur]

thanks for all of the advice....there are some new ideas and some that I hadn't thought of before. the ring has gone back, and will stay back for now. money's not the issue...I could buy her a gorgeous ring and not feel the financial pinch. however, this whole relationship i've bought things thinking it would fix the neglect and the hurt feelings. feeling bad about us? here's a diamond pendant. mad at me? here, have this huge bouquet of flowers and a nice card. i came from a home that didn't have a lot of money or extras, so receiving a nice gift was really an expression of love, an expression of "I had to bust my butt to buy this, but I don't care because it made you happy and you appreciated it and I was glad to do it". buying gifts now that mean something is way more important than buying a gift that's expensive. So, of course, when we have conflict I pony up some money for a gift and all is well, temporarily. All of the quarreling we've done in the past seems pretty damn stupid now. I used to think money would solve everything...I always figured if you had enough money you could survive anything. If I could trade my career and salary for happiness....I'd do it in a heartbeat. This really sucks right now, to be sitting here, looking back on my life, realizing that I sacrificed so much to get here professionally and also realizing that I didn't sacrifice s**t for my marriage. OK, self pity party over. I just had to get that thought off of my ever heavier brain. I've switched my ultimate goal from staying together to us being happy and fulfilled as people. Our kids see and feel the tension between us, and I firmly believe the whole "staying together for the kids" has probably wrecked more kids than helped. I may need to visit here occasionally for a sanity check. Thanks to all of you that took the time to reply...there's only so many minutes in a day and you took yours to reply to my problem. Thanks.

[hidee79]

Maybe you can win her back. Maybe not. But, it seems that the journey to TRY and win her back is the real gift. Whether or not she stays with you, you will have evolved as a man and human being. Therefore, I believe you should put 100% of yourself in trying to win her back, not only for her, but for your own soul, too.

 

You took love for granted. You felt that money was #1 priority. In some weird way, this crisis in your life is the best thing that's ever happened to you. You now get to experience, first hand, that people always come first.

 

Have you read The Five Languages of Love? Read it, and find out what her primary languages are. Some people feel loved when given gifts. Others when you do household chores for them. Others, when you give them love poems. Etc.

 

I also recommend I Need Your Love - Is that True? by Byron Katie. This book will help you maintain a loving attitude towards your wife, even when the chips are low and the boat seems to be sinking to the ocean floor.

 

Another recommendation: How To Create a Magical Relationship. This book will help you let go of mechanical behaviors in your relationships, and really help you build a loving relationship.

 

Finally - are you in individual therapy? As you change, of course your marriage will change. Who knows, maybe you will find that you of course love your wife, but wish to move onto another stage in your life. I really recommend sessions with a master EFT practitioner. EFT is an acronym for Emotional Freedom Technique, and is a mix between talk therapy and self-administered accupressure. It works much, much more quickly than traditional therapy, and can work very effectively over the phone once you learn the technique (I can point you to online videos and forums if you are still interested).

 

I cannot recommend EFT enough - about a year ago, my fiancé committed suicide. With EFT, I was able to recover significantly in 9 months - usually, it takes over 2 or 3 years to get to my recovery level in traditional therapy.

 

I believe that all the pain and suffering in our life have silver linings - if we choose to believe it. You can't control another person - I don't know if you can win your wife back. But if you win yourself back...then you have accomplished the greatest thing of all.

[foycur]

hidee,

 

thanks for replying and giving good feedback. i do indeed have the five languages of love book, and in two weeks we're going to a seminar here at our church put on by the author. she is skeptical, she has said "a seminar in six hours won't fix five years of hurt".

 

things are so touch and go right now, I don't know whether to chase her (and potentially drive her further away) or hang back and give her the space to breathe. A perfect example was New Year's Eve. We have three boys, young boys, put them to bed around 8, 8:30 PM and watched a movie. at 10:30 PM, the movie is finished and we hadn't said two words between us. So, I told her I was going to bed, good night, see you in the AM. The following day I found some notes she made to herself about how she sat there on NEw Year's Eve alone, and we were finished. Earlier that day she said she needed her space, time to think, quiet after the kids went to bed. Well, I gave it to her....and it still was the wrong answer. She gave me no indication being with her as the new year came in was what she wanted...she told me the opposite. we're both in individual counseling...hers is tomorrow. we've not made a marriage counseling appointment yet.

 

This is all so go**amn frustrating because I feel like I finally see things....I finally GET IT. It's like being on a sinking ship....you see the liferaft, you KNOW it's there, but you can't get to it, or you can get to it but you realize there's holes once you get to it.

[hidee79]

She is skeptical, she has said "a seminar in six hours won't fix five years of hurt".

 

She is 100% correct. You guys have a long, arduous road ahead of you.

 

The following day I found some notes she made to herself about how she sat there on New Year's Eve alone, and we were finished. Earlier that day she said she needed her space, time to think, quiet after the kids went to bed. Well, I gave it to her....and it still was the wrong answer.

 

As a woman, let me tell you first-hand - women speak in riddles. We say one thing, but often mean another thing. Especially about being alone. We also believe that if a man truly loves us, then he should "know" we don't actually want to be alone. I know...it's super complicated.

 

I suggest you stop listening to what she says. Your intellect is your worst enemy right now. Use your heart.

 

If you only had 2 weeks to live, how would you treat your wife? I'm sure you would have stayed up with her on New Years. Maybe, you would have bought a bottle of champagne to surprise her.

 

This is all so go**amn frustrating because I feel like I finally see things....I finally GET IT. It's like being on a sinking ship....you see the liferaft, you KNOW it's there, but you can't get to it, or you can get to it but you realize there's holes once you get to it.

 

You know what I think? It sounds like your wife is waiting for you to win her back. When a woman is really done, she won't even go to a seminar. So, don't give up yet.

 

Here are some of my suggestions (from my own personal experience).

 

There are certain moments a woman will always remember.

 

For me, I remember when my bf looked at me, was silent for a while, and with shining eyes told me, "you are so beautiful." In fact, the way a man looks at me is often more important than the words. Show your wife you love her by looking at her as you would the most precious treasure in the world. And if she asks why you're staring, tell her, "you're the most beautiful woman in the world."

 

What are the little things she likes? Does she like a certain meal? Cook it for her. I'm talking about inexpensive, but very thoughtful things that only a husband would know about his wife.

 

For me, I like black roses. I've only mentioned it once or twice. So, a bf bought me a black rose necklace. It wasn't fancy, maybe just $20. But when he gave it to me, he said, "I remember you said you like black roses. I've been searching for live black roses, but until I find them, here is the best I can do."

 

Make a list of all the small things your wife has mentioned in passing. And do something to show her that you were listening to her, that you remember.

 

Make sure you look your very best everyday. Smell very nice, dress very well, get your hair cut.

 

These are some of the things I can suggest.

[foycur]

Thanks to everyone that has given me feedback and advice on this. After a lot of effort on my part, my wife told me that she essentially never should have married me, she's not in love, and she married the wrong guy. Pretty hurtful to hear, especially after having stuck my head in the sand for so long, but probably true. I'm making myself sick over trying to make her happy, and I have come to the realization that I could bring her the world on a platter and she still wouldn't be happy because I'm just not 'that' guy. I suppose she needs someone a little more spontaneous, a little more 'fun', than me. What hurts is I've done my best to provide financially for the family, to be a better dad and husband, and it's still not enough. I"m not a drug addict or alcohol abuser, I don't abuse the kids or her, I provide financially in ways that the vast majority of men cannot, and I've got a good attitude about life. Nice guys finishing last can't be more true than in my case. But, better to get out now than wait until I'm in my 50s and look back on a life not lived to her expectations.

 

Now comes the even harder part; finding a way to remain parents and friends for the sake of our kids.