Coping with feelings for ex husband that has a new g/f

[guessjeans]

I just read an insert from Cusack who, back in October, went thru the same thing I am now. I left my ex-husband and now he is dating his secretary that just left her husband and immediately took up with him. Now my situation is alittle different in that we have been living separately for the past 4 yrs, but we did remain close, and neither of us were dating. And i guess I felt that one day we would work out our difference and get back together because I do love him very much.

 

He said to me I didnt tell him how i felt before hand. Would it have mattered? If he truly loved me as much as I still love him, he would have jumped at the chance to get back together. He did ask to come back shortly after we separated, but that never works out. You both need time and distance to stand on your own before you can stand side by side in any new relationship with your ex, or otherwise.

 

I guess what hurts the most is that it is a very serious relationship so fast. When he started seeing her he announced to me that he really wants to work hard at making it work with this woman and that they probably will live together at some point. He did say to me, besides you know I still love you. Yeah, but not enough apparently. This woman is 10 yrs older than me. She is 57, and I am 47 yrs old. He is 51. Said he always liked older women.

 

So the dumper does have their demons. I have an upcoming date next weekend and we shall see what becomes of it. All i know is that he is probably gone forever with this woman, and I have to painfully move on with my life. After talking and spending time together for the past 30 yrs, its difficult to just stop seeing each other and talking to each other. I do miss him, and because we have a 20 yr old son together, its difficult not hearing about whats going on in his life. I just want to get on with my life and grieve without knowing anything about whats going on, but its difficult since our son does see him and spend time with him on a regular basis. But i have told our son that I dont want to hear about anything going on with his life.

 

Guessjeans

[Trimmer]

He said to me I didnt tell him how i felt before hand. Would it have mattered?

Maybe so. If a woman "left me" (and one did, incidentally...) then absent any more specific communication, I would assume that she didn't want me any more. So my path forward would be to heal, move on, and grow into my new life.

 

Now, if you had "told him how you felt", and that was that you expected to get back together at some point, then yes, that might have changed his approach and the outcome. On the other hand, a man in that situation may well feel like he is being strung along, so he might have decided to break ties anyway, just to take control and move forward in his own life.

 

If he truly loved me as much as I still love him, he would have jumped at the chance to get back together. He did ask to come back shortly after we separated, but that never works out. You both need time and distance to stand on your own before you can stand side by side in any new relationship with your ex, or otherwise.

So you refused to consider reconciliation when he asked, because that "never works out", and yet in the same breath, you expect him to "jump at the chance" to get back together? Did you guys talk about your relationship and have these discussions at various points during the separation, or did you just assume that some day, when you were ready, he would jump at the chance to get back together?

 

I guess what hurts the most is that it is a very serious relationship so fast.

How is it "so fast?" Didn't you say you've been separated for 4 years, and that neither of you dated significantly in that period? That seems like a reasonable time for a man to heal before moving on...

 

He did say to me, besides you know I still love you. Yeah, but not enough apparently.

Again, he may feel the same way. You may have assumed he knew you loved him. But in his perspective, "yeah, but not enough, apparently."

 

I just want to get on with my life and grieve without knowing anything about whats going on...

May I ask: why did you leave? And what were the conditions of your separation? Did you have any agreements about what was happening?

 

So here's the thing: you were separated, and you were each assuming something about your futures. You (guessjeans) were assuming you would "work out our differences" some day, but it sounds like you weren't communicating that, or making positive progress in that direction. It sounds like you probably assumed he felt the same way, and that you'd both find your way back, eventually.

 

It sounds like he tried initially, but after being left, and then rebuffed upon proposing reconciliation, I bet he eventually started to grieve his loss, and move on with plans for his life and a future without you.

 

So unfortunately, you spent your time in a holding pattern, assuming things would come back together again, but based on his perception, he spent his time rebuilding his life and "moving on." Now you are ready, and he is too far gone.

 

All I can say is: men are not mind readers.

 

I know this is painful, and I'm sorry for your loss.

[guessjeans]

We split up initially because I felt he didnt love me anymore. THe woman he is with now he hired about a yr before we split up. I know of her because she was the office secretary and use to call him when he left the company a few months after we split. She would call him on his cell to see how he was doing. I believe she was the one that drove him home from a christmas party the christmas before we finally sold the house in sept of the following yr. I dont know if she being in thepicture at the time prompted us split. He asked me during an argument to put the house up of sale and i did.

 

He has a lot of insecurities which i didnt realize under just now. I thought it was just jealousy. He was threatened by my looks, my confidence and mostly my independence. It finally took its toll on the relationship, which I think in part was also due, now, to this new woman in his life that perhaps on her part i know, was carrying on an emotional affair with him. She called him all the time and especially once we split within weeks of it, when we were still really close, while living with her husband.

 

Yep..i admit it. I screwed up. I thought he knew how i felt, and I guess i took his love from granted. That he would always love me. He would call me all the time, we would do things together, about a yr ago he called me one morning and ask me to go over with him and help him pick out colours for his new house that he bought. I did, he said something to me that upset me, not mad, but i started to cry, and i said something back, and he said to me..that hurt me..and we both apologized. He asked me out to dinner about a month before she left her husband. We had plans to go to a movie together in july but our son came down ill with the flu.

 

So yep. i assumed and i was wrong. All i can hope is that now he knows how i feel, and that if i believe what i think is to be true, he will miss me eventually, miss our friendship which was great..and for the first time in 30 yrs, he will will go without talkiing to me, seeing me..because we dont have any contact any longer..that perhaps, just perhaps, if what i believe we still have together, which is a very strong bond special bond, that one day, some day, if it isnt too late, he will come to me and tell me that he misses me and his son, and that he wants us to be a family again. Im now moving on with my life and whatever happens is going to happen. I am not waiting for that call, because I believe he may stay with this woman for good now, but if there is such thing as fate, and that two ppl are meant to be together, and truly believe we do, we will eventually find each other again.

 

Guessjeans