Problem solving vs being irritated?

[Florida]

This isn't the first time this happened. I hate when my BF raises his voice to me.

 

This is the scenario: I'll be talking about a non relationship issue (he has NO reason to get upset) and he starts to get visibly upset, raises his voice to say "ENOUGH" (not yelling-but like I was going off and he felt he needs to get me back on track-like a child) and then gives me the solution.

 

For example: tonight I was complaining to my BF about my computer peripherals giving me major problems, and I really have every right to be upset because it has been something new every single day. Seriously-every day something has been going majorly wrong. I wasn't even complaining for two minute before he raised his voice and interjected to tell me to calm down and to call customer service in the morning. But it was the way he did it-like he became all upset really fast-and the initial irritation and raised voice seemed to not make sense to me in the context of me talking about computer issues. Then I made a joke that someone must have cursed me, this is all too unreal.

 

Then he gets really upset that I said "someone must have cursed me" and took it all seriously as if I was some psycho freak. I was upset i had to even explain that was a joke, and then he apperared visibly relieved.

 

It's not really about the computer, you understand? It is the sub text of misunderstandings. And projections.

 

Sometime I feel like he has this script in his head of me as an unstable person, which is so unfair because he is surronded by people who have had it easy there whole lives, and thinks something is wrong with me that all this stuff is going wrong on my end. I hate who he reflects back to me as who he thinks I am.

 

I just wanted to give off a bit of steam, why does he freak out when I do this???

 

I know this sounds churlish of me, but mainly-it's really worrying me because he has been doing this a lot lately. Once he even became upset because I was talking about my job too much. What? And I became upset back and told him I hate when he gives me this vibe he thinks I'm going overboard, and i really just needed to talk to him to unload, that's all!

 

I'm worried he will break up with me one day and say things like "you know-I knew she was crazy when she blamed her failing computer equipment on a curse!" and whomever he is talking to will nod happily, and my charachter will be defaced in this manner.

 

It is funny because I am treated with a good amount of respect in my field, yet I feel so dimished when this kind of interaction happens with him, it really messes with my head to have such a seemingly polar opposite between professional and love realtionship.

 

I am afraid he only wants that cheery happy side of me, and I take it really hard when he raises his voice to "calm me down because I don't let him get a word in edgewise" (not true!!)

 

So I reprimand him for this, and I feel like crap because it just makes me feel like i don't know if this is a sign he is getting irritated at who I am, and maybe it not about the computer, maybe he is sick of ME!

 

And the misreading me massively to boot-

 

I went on to say to him he could try listening instead of cutting me short by raising his voice. I think he takes this fatherly role with me, or with anyone but it makes me feel really devalued and disrespected.

 

I feel like he can't handle if my stuff is not going a-okay and then I internalize it and get down on myself for not being able to be better, so that I would not have to beun;loading to him in the 1st place.

 

He apologized for raising his voice to get me to calm down, but this isn't the first time, and i feel like it is a bad sign, or is this who he is?

 

Or I have so badly misrepresented myself through odd jokes and not paying close enough attention to image that he thinks I am so unstrung i need to be calmed down through voice raising?

 

I think he mirrors back my moods. I don't know.

 

I just want him to stop, I want him to not think of me as a woman who can't handle her sh&T. I feel like he does not admire me, even though he says he does-

 

I don't put on this power front like so many a-0holes today. It makes me not want to appear vulnerable because I hate this mirror he holds up to me of who he thinks I am, I don't know who that image is he formed.

[ElvenPriestess]

The message I'm getting is that he doesn't deal with confrontation well at all. And not all confrontation is bad, so I'm not saying that in a negative way. Some people are really good listeners, like one of my closest friends. I can unload on her ALL the time when I need to, and she let's me do it without taking it personally. You seem worried that he might take some of your frustration personally. Be sure he knows it has nothing to do with him.

 

It's all too natural to need to let a load off our shoulders. And it's easiest to do this with the one you're involved with. You trust them, are close to them, etc. He should be there for you, and you're right, NOT cut you off. Not only does it mean you have to harbor what else you were going to say, but it is quite rude.

 

And the part of speaking to you like a child, and telling you "enough" almost sounds to me like what you have to say only half matters to him, and that he's getting a superiority complex. Don't let him do that to you. Have you explained to him that you just need him to LISTEN to you? And have you asked him to stop worrying so much about his own responses? If he has a hard time being a patient listener, or if he is too stressed out to help you, or whatever the case, he needs to tell you.

 

It's good you're attacking this problem early on, rather than letting it build into something even more serious. Communication is key here. You need to know that you can come to him without ridicule, and he needs to let you know that. Best of luck, and let me know how it turns out.

[Florida]

I appreciate your thoughtful and articulate response Elven, I was a bit nervous posting this. I really didn't want to hear any dump him responses.

 

I'll try talking about it to him again, he does not communicate his feelings at all, and just wants these talks to be over with.

 

I don't even understand what about them makes him feel so on edge he feels the need to cut it, like my emotion is too much for him or something.

 

I told him he probably doesn't talk like that to people he works with who get upset about something, and he said most people don't talk to him about things going wrong.

 

Well I'm not going to avoid telling him the bad stuff. But he is really dismissive and hates dwelling on the negative, but I don't think giving me one solution then changing the topic is the best answer either.

 

Okay I'll give you an update Elven, I'm thinking of maybe not communicating, and next time he does that (voice raising/getting angry to cut the conversation) I'll remove myself from the situation. Politely, but firmly. I read that in a book once, that men understand actions, and dismiss all the woman talk.

[ElvenPriestess]

I don't think that's fair to you though, he needs to learn to listen to you. And the bit about other people not talking to him like you do, of course not. You're his g/f. There's an unspoken understanding that you two will share things nobody else does. It's not fair for him to compare you to anyone else in this, as you are his g/f.

 

The only reason I disagree with non-communication, is that he has a hard time enough as it is. My guy is that way too, never talking about feelings, never communicating. And I think by avoiding it all together you could end up doing more damage in the end? Just a thought.

[Cobra_X30]

I appreciate your thoughtful and articulate response Elven, I was a bit nervous posting this. I really didn't want to hear any dump him responses.

 

I don't even understand what about them makes him feel so on edge he feels the need to cut it, like my emotion is too much for him or something.

 

I told him he probably doesn't talk like that to people he works with who get upset about something, and he said most people don't talk to him about things going wrong.

 

Well I'm not going to avoid telling him the bad stuff. But he is really dismissive and hates dwelling on the negative, but I don't think giving me one solution then changing the topic is the best answer either.

 

Okay I'll give you an update Elven, I'm thinking of maybe not communicating, and next time he does that (voice raising/getting angry to cut the conversation) I'll remove myself from the situation. Politely, but firmly. I read that in a book once, that men understand actions, and dismiss all the woman talk.

 

First when you complain about thing... or vent or rant. He see's this as you asking him to fix it. That frustrates him because he does not know what you are really seeking.

 

You want to be heard and understood... Correct?

 

He believes that you are asking for a solution! This is why he feels that he cannot get a word in! You are not on the same page here!

 

You are both failing to communicate!

 

Oh... and please dont dump him! This is textbook male response. You should learn to handle this now... the next guy will more than likely be the same!

[Trialbyfire]

Florida, your guy has IMS (irritable man syndrome). Tell him to chill, the next time he gets like this. Life isn't about sunshine and lollipops, rainbows and two-fours of beer.

 

On the other hand, how often do you complain to him? Best to monitor yourself and make sure that the interesting, amusing and pleasurable topics, far exceed the complaints. He's also not a punching bag, even though he's not intended to be the object of your ire.

[Kamille]

This brings back memories of my ex. I often felt like he perceived me to be irrationnal at times, but his way to handle it, when I was expressing frustration at something, would be to play the 'Kamille is an overly emotional woman and I am going to calm her down and help her see the rational side of it'. It really annoyed me because I really don't think of myself as overly emotional.

 

I loved him and certainly didn't leave him because of that. But I do think your idea of removing yourself from the situation is not such a bad idea. I wouldn't do it so much to 'teach him a lesson' so as to the diffuse the situation. Bring it on another plane. Clip the interaction in its bud.

 

I also think that the best time to bring up communication issues is not while you are having a fight. Next time you are having a nice time together, why don't you bring this up? That way you will be calm and open to his perception of things (which, in the end is what you're trying to understand) and he will likely be more open to what you have to say.

 

Which reminds me... I find that the best way to get anywhere with anyone is to aknowledge what they have to say. Next time you have such a conversation, just bounce back what he just said to you in a calm I'm-trying-to-understand tone of voice: 'so you want to offer me a solution to help me with my frustrations with my computer?' and then proceed with your own expectations and desires: 'thanks honey. I have to say that right now all I need is for someone to listen to me'.

[Florida]

Thanks for replying, everyone. I realize my post turned into a mini novel-I'll work on condensing.

 

Elvn- Yes I think he needs to listen more too. He has a totally different attidute than me-no matter how catastrophic mourn for 1 minute then keep moving. So it makes him impatient to see anything different than that, especially if it is not officially catastrophic.

 

I think it's hard for him to empathize with anything different than that.

 

Cobra- Yes that is so true! He gets so upset after a solution is offered, I keep telling him I need to vent just a little sometimes. OMG I wasn't even thinking of dumping him-actually I was trying to figure out if that meant he was getting tired of my venting (or me?!) or was it a normal solution problem solving guy thing.

 

Trial-IMS -OMG that is so good. Is it in Wikipedia yet? You got it on both counts-but I have to admit-I may have been the gloom and doom person this past few weeks because of things not going well out of my control. Lately, The pleasurable hasn't been exceeding the complaining about things going wrong, unfortunately.

 

And I need to check myself on that too. Thanks TBF!

 

Kamille- Yes exactly- all of it! I hated being percieved as irrational! But it's strange because when I get mad-boy it is almost a physical thing-people can feel it and he reacts really negatively to it-like he just wants it to stop right there!

 

And I can't make it, it needs to pass. I think I'll talk about it another time when it's not in the moment, like you suggested, because having that tenseness and misunderstandings on top of the initial problems at hand was just too much.

 

I hope he can listen when I am upset, but I'll try to reel in the complaining too. It's just been stressful recently, in my work life.

 

Thanks again for taking the time, it really helped me to vent, as this has been an ongoing thing, that comes up more when things go wrong in my life. Communication ideally shouldn't just be good when things are going well in my life, bad when they are not.

[Cobra_X30]

Cobra- Yes that is so true! He gets so upset after a solution is offered, I keep telling him I need to vent just a little sometimes. OMG I wasn't even thinking of dumping him-actually I was trying to figure out if that meant he was getting tired of my venting (or me?!) or was it a normal solution problem solving guy thing.

 

Its a very normal guy reaction! You absolutely have to get that on the table. If you feel like holding it in is the answer then fine, but I think it would be better if you could vent to him... and he understood what your true need is.

 

The only reason he thinks your irrational... is that he does not understand what your doing. If you make him understand... suddenly it will make more sense. He wont feel like your blowing off his solutions. Plus he will be more willing to just listen.

 

It may take some time for him to get it... depending on how you approach the situation, and how perceptive he is.

[LoveLace]

Yea guys don't like complaining much...not that they aren't capable doing it as well, but even then it's in their top 5 list of least favorite things about women. This is something us women should accept, however guys should also accept that we won't always remember this "rule" and complain anyway....

 

Accepting someone into your life as a Significant other also means accepting the flaws or habits that annoy us a little. And the mysterious differences in behavior between men/women just comes with the territory. Maybe it's time for you to try some mature communication with him and calmly talk about what's on both your minds. Example, "I'd like to try and change that for you if it's upsetting you that much"....or..."Well, I'm sorry you feel that way but I'm afraid it's an aspect of my personality that just has to be accepted and I can't change it for anyone..."....Overall evaluate your relationship.

 

good luck

[blondie_xo]

I know what you mean, my boyfriend does the same. When I am down, or upset, or having an issue with something, he doesn't ask me what the problem is or if I'm alright... Instead its "Cheer up you grump..." or he calls me grumpy. Or just stops talking to me because "You wonder why I dont want to be around you when you're all mad and stuff"... Then when I do tell him somethings wrong he just keeps telling me that I shouldnt be worked up over it and I need to move on. Instead of offering support, he kicks it to the curb.

 

I went on a type of BC that made me go loopy and instead of being there for me and supporting me-- he told me he was starting to question our relationship.. he thought i was a crazy person, his exact words, and was wondering if it was worth to continue the relationship.

 

i just don't get guys!!

[LoveLace]

I don't think all guys understand we really just need them to be there and listen, not necessarily solve whatever we're complaining about. And men are supposedly problem-solvers by nature...I think they see our fluctuating emotions as something they can't "fix" and this is why they respond with frustration. The OP said her boyfriend basically told her, "Why don't you just get right to the solution, instead of complaining about it?"....this is the way guys think...

 

But if it's explained to them in a calm manner that we aren't looking to them to "fix" everything, and just want understanding, they'll start to get it...but if they feel helpless in solving something, they might take it out on you in return but not on purpose. This however doesn't justify treating someone crappy because you can't handle their stresses.

 

I openly admit there are things I should work on as a woman trying to understand the behaviors of men....but I wish more men could understand we need them to do the same.

[Trialbyfire]

Here's what I do, when I'm in a whiny mood. I find a friend who's in the same whiny mood or is willing to tolerate my whinyness and spew with or on them, instead. The more you spread out the whinyness, the less likely one person has to listen to all of it, over and over and over again. Don't worry, your friends will be more than happy about giving you what-for, when they get tired of it too, lmao.

 

I agree that guys need to learn to listen and be more patient. On the other hand, I'm also a solutions-oriented person. If someone gets stuck in the moment and is unwilling to do anything about it, I also get IWS, and want to give them a smack up the back of their heads.

 

Balance it out. Your SO should never be the "be-all" and "end-all" of your life. They can be your lover and best friend, just not your punching bag.

[JCD]

Us guys have no problem listening to you unwind but what frustrates us is when we know the solution and you are unwilling to take it so that you would fix your problem and don't have to stress out over it the next time. Also, ask yourself this question, would you want to be around your S/O if he whines as much as you do? A S/O suppose to make your life happier else why be in a relationship? Instead of coming home from work, all stressed out and wanting to relax and forget about our day, we come home to our whining wifes who stress us out even more by unloading their problems on us. It's not fair.

 

I know a whiny girl who is a drama queen and she has no friends because she whines to them all the time about her problems she creates for herself. Then she gets all moody and is rude to everyone by ignoring them. She expects everyone to drop what they're doing and attend to her problems. I rather be around cheerful people who uplift my mood than sink any lower. You see, we guys also have problems but we try to forget about them and not bring them up to remind us of them because we rather be happy than frustrated. Women tend to wallow in their self pity instead of spending quality time with their S/O's. Complaining is so selfish because it makes you feel better to unwind but it makes the other person worse off by listening to negativity that puts us in bad mood. When we don't take it personal, then you complain that we don't understand, sympathize or care for you. Negative people suck.

[Florida]

JCD you and my BF probably think alike, so thanks for the insight.

 

It was a good one.

 

It's funny though how it's only the people you are close to who will complain the most, and them co-workers and acquaintances and peers seem like so more fun and light and breezy in comparison, but they would too if they were as close. So I think that is where the "he/she is overly negative " label comes from (well-in some cases it is true!) and it looks extreme because of course no one else will open up like that.

 

TBF, thanks you made a good point I'll call a GF who wants to commiserate next time.

 

Cobra, LL, Blondie yeah I see now it is a guy mind vs a girl mind, mainly I just don't want to be seen as hysterical just because I wanted to vent a bit.