PLAYBRAT Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 It is kinda hard to believe a woman who still wants to "work on things" with her H would idlly sit back and be so cool with he H declaring his love for another woman and NOT her. Not unless she is a complete cold fish or a beer short of a six pack. I doubt he is being honest. As another poster said he is saying what will benefit HIM most..and keep getting him what HE wants. Notice who this seems to REALLY be about?? If I were the OW in this scenerio I would be bothered that he would even insult my intelligence by telling me something so ridiculous.
abeliever Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I'm a BS and I agree if he is lying to his W in the beginning, then why believe anything he says? Why would any woman want a man who does this to their wife? Don't they think he will do that to them, eventually? I just don't get that about OW, I really don't! But my H did tell me he had feelings for a OW (one of them) and I said great, then you need to leave and file for a divorce. He did leave, for about 20 minutes. The coward came back home, called her without me knowing til I heard a voice (I was doing dishes) and he told her he did not want anymore contact and she started screaming, yelling on the phone on speaker. I just left the room, I felt he was running a game. If he did or didn't wasn't the issue for me. How could any self respecting H do any of that to his W who had done nothing to him? Needless to say, it was the start to the end of our M. Although still married waiting on house to sell and divide assets etc. It hurt but more than that I learned who I was really married to. So I am grateful really. He has since said he only told me that to get back at me. (for what I don't know his friend said for not being jealous, well I am not a jealous person) I am a strong woman and a weak man is soooo unappealing to me. So any OW can have him, they don't have the knowledge of what I do. I feel sorry for them. So I will let them find out for themselves, while laughing my a$$ off! Abeliever
Trialbyfire Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 The easiest way to find out if he's lying is to ask his wife. There's almost zero chance that he isn't lying, whether it's twisting the truth or outright fabricating a fairy tale.
Tomcat33 Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I'm a BS and I agree if he is lying to his W in the beginning, then why believe anything he says? Why would any woman want a man who does this to their wife? Don't they think he will do that to them, eventually? I just don't get that about OW, I really don't! But my H did tell me he had feelings for a OW (one of them) and I said great, then you need to leave and file for a divorce. He did leave, for about 20 minutes. The coward came back home, called her without me knowing til I heard a voice (I was doing dishes) and he told her he did not want anymore contact and she started screaming, yelling on the phone on speaker. I just left the room, I felt he was running a game. If he did or didn't wasn't the issue for me. How could any self respecting H do any of that to his W who had done nothing to him? Needless to say, it was the start to the end of our M. Although still married waiting on house to sell and divide assets etc. It hurt but more than that I learned who I was really married to. So I am grateful really. He has since said he only told me that to get back at me. (for what I don't know his friend said for not being jealous, well I am not a jealous person) I am a strong woman and a weak man is soooo unappealing to me. So any OW can have him, they don't have the knowledge of what I do. I feel sorry for them. So I will let them find out for themselves, while laughing my a$$ off! Abeliever The answer to that is some people cheat on some people and not on others. I was in a relationsip for 6 yrs with man who cheated in the past in another relationship and he never cheated on me, that I know of and he was probably the most trust worthy man that I was with. Sometimes people cheat beacause they want out. You can't meassure everyone with the same stick. PS your H was serial cheater you did the right thing to leave him a person would be out of their mind to stay with serial cheater and expect honesty, likewise a person who engages in a relationship with a known serial cheater.
TogetherForever Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Just for the record and not sure if this wil help you or not but I remember in my situation my ex had told me right before he had moved out and before she found out about us, that he had told her "I don't love you anymore" I asked "you actually said those exact words to her? and his response was "yes" I put him on the spot and asked him what did she say? he responded "she said that it's ok that in time he would grow to love her again if they worked at it" I never beleived that, I never believed he would have the courgage to tell her that...and even less that THAT would be her reaction. I mean c'mon what person reacts like that when they are being told "I don't love you anymore" Those are very strong words. What probably went down was he told her "I no longer feel connected.." or something along those lines and she said what she did. He may very well have felt like he no longer loved her but what was actually said, TOTALLY different story. Again I was not there but you gotta wonder...these guys will say a lot when they don't want a "good" thing to end. My s/o called his wife & told her that he wasn't going home. She said, But I love you *****, he replied I know you do but I'm not coming home. I don't love you any more ****. I can't fake it any longer.Then he asked her to pack up his stuff. All of this done in front of me. She packed all of his clothes etc... & he picked up his things & came back home to me. All in the same night.When he hung up with her, I said "Boy, I don't think you should've done that over the phone". He said 'It's done & over with now & time for us to move on." I had no clue he was planning on doing that. TF
Tomcat33 Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 My s/o called his wife & told her that he wasn't going home. She said, But I love you *****, he replied I know you do but I'm not coming home. I don't love you any more ****. I can't fake it any longer.Then he asked her to pack up his stuff. All of this done in front of me. She packed all of his clothes etc... & he picked up his things & came back home to me. All in the same night.When he hung up with her, I said "Boy, I don't think you should've done that over the phone". He said 'It's done & over with now & time for us to move on." I had no clue he was planning on doing that. TF Hard to fib what's going on when it is happening right infront of you I understand, unless of course you are Chris Angel Yeah ok, my ex had some conversations in front of me and showed me emails of correspondence and I have spoken to his family about things and that was taken at face value, I can appreciate that and you trust what you see. But a conversation that happens behind your back you have to trust that what is being said to you is what it is...and what can I say... I don't trust that what was being said was as it was presented to me. Again, just my gut instinct.
reboot Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 What happened in TF's story was backed up with immediate actions. Not so the story that is the topic of this thread. Apples and oranges.
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 What are and would you be thinking when your husbands says he loves someone else? My heart would feel crushed initially, but I’d likely respond by insisting that he go and be with the one he loved. I would not however wish to remain with someone whose heart belonged to someone else ... nor would I beg, plead or wait around hoping that he was just having an “off” day or that his feelings would change. Once the “L” bomb had been dropped, it would be over right then and there. No more going back to the way things were because the relationship would never, ever feel the same for me after that. Now, if he DIDN’T leave of his own accord ... than I’d continue to insist even if that meant PUSHING him out the door or vacating myself. It might also signal that it was just a cry for attention on his part... in which case, I’d still staple a “thank-you and good luck” note to his forehead and drop him off on her front porch, myself. Sometimes the kindest and cruelest thing you can do for people is letting them have exactly what they think they want. In your case though, I’d be very cautious about allowing myself to be buffaloed. This isn’t exactly an honest person that you’re dealing with, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t consistent. And sometimes what we see is exactly what we get.
Author KnownTruth Posted December 13, 2007 Author Posted December 13, 2007 I have a question and would love a BS's opinion and the OW's as well... My MM and I started off as friends for several years and his W knows we are friends. MM and I have been having a affair for over 8 months. He told her that he loves me and I feel the same way but didn't mention the affair. His W asked if he still loved her and he said no. She told him that if he wants to leave and be happy with me then do so, or if he wants to stay she will as well. He has not left (that's being worked on) and he said they really don't talk about what was said, because they avoid each other and don't communicate. Working different scheldues helps them with this. But occasionally his wife will make a comment like why won't you touch me? He tells her because he does not want too and is not interested and that he doesn't love her. She is not understanding this but not talking to him about it either. My questions are for the BS's out there. What are and would you be thinking when your husbands says he loves someone else? Would you stay and fight for him or let him go? And could you live with your H knowing he loves someone else and does not want to be intimate with you anymore? I have taken alot of your suggestions and put them to use. MM called me and I tried to ask him more questions about his wife and what was said concerning me. But I guess she doesn't even know we are still communicating. He has not said anything and she has not asked. I'm just mad that he had a chance to come clean on a few occasions and never have. I do love him and want to be with him as does he (or he says), but there is only so much one person can deal with. I'm starting to wonder what is true anymore. I'm on the OW roller coaster.
norajane Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 She knows we are best friends and we love each other more than a friend. It really isn't clear that his wife knows that. Because: He told her that he loves me and I feel the same way but didn't mention the affair. Thanks, I was hoping when he told his wife he was in love with me Him saying you love each other is not the same as saying he is in love with you. If he didn't mention the affair, and didn't say he was 'in love' with you, it's entirely possible that she could interpret that to mean he loves you as a friend. For example, I have several male friends (married and single) that I get together with frequently and speak to often, and that I love dearly, but they are just that - friends - and nothing more. Both you and his wife could be misinterpreting what he said, if he said anything at all. I think it is time to give him the fish or cut bait speech. I think I need to tell him not to see me till he sees a lawyer or is divorced. That way he won't have two cozy life styles going on. Now he will have to choose. He will do what he feels is right and I will respect his decision. Thank you all for your imput thus far. I am starting to get a clearer picture of what I need to do for myself. Good for you! Take control of your life!
smartgirl Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 I agree with most of the posters here - there is a piece of this puzzle missing. Whatever he is saying to his W about you, she still seems to be under the impression that they are working on the marriage. After all, he hasn't moved out. You can't know unless you are there exactly what he is saying to her and what he is leaving out when he repeats it to you. But it sounds like neither of you is getting a clear picture of his true intentions. I'd say that until he moves out and finalizes a divorce you have to assume that she thinks he is still in the marriage for a reason.
mopar crazy Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 My H never once said he loved the OW. He never once said he didn't love me either. He actually told me he still loved me but it was time to get a D b/c neither one of us were happy. He didn't' tell me he was involved w/ her. Anyhow, I found out he loved her through poems and letters he wrote her (her H found them and gave me copies). God, that hurt so bad but after I read that it really hit me that he was involved w/ her and it was time to move on. Now, if he would of told me he loved her from the beginning I would have never tried to fight for our M. Hearing him tell me to my face he loved someone else would of just ended it right there.
NoIDidn't Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 After all, he hasn't moved out. That one line is a clencher. Its what most therapists will tell the BS to give them hope. A person that truly wants out, gets out by any means necessary. If he's still there and she's still there, they aren't ready for a D just yet. It could be in the works. But I wouldn't hold my breath.
Author KnownTruth Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 . Anyhow, I found out he loved her through poems and letters he wrote her (her H found them and gave me copies). God, that hurt so bad but after I read that it really hit me that he was involved w/ her and it was time to move on. . MM's W also saw emails to me from MM saying "I Love You" on them. I guess he never says it to her and she said that to him. That's what got the ball rolling on the whole situation.
kchiapet95 Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 In my case, MM told me he told his W he didn't love her anymore, but he never told her he was in love with me. In fact, he went to great lengths to hide my existence. He was not ready to be in a relationship with me. At first it seemed like he was trying to figure out the best way to end things with her, but as time went on, it became clearer that he had no intention of doing so. This may not be the case in your situation. Just keep your eyes open, and heed the warning signs. Trust your gut. I wish you all the best.
silktricks Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 My questions are for the BS's out there. What are and would you be thinking when your husbands says he loves someone else? Would you stay and fight for him or let him go? And could you live with your H knowing he loves someone else and does not want to be intimate with you anymore? If my husband told me he loved someone else I would tell him to go to her. If he didn't move out, I would move out. That said, I agree with what many of the other posters on this thread have said. You only have his word for what has been said between them. That does not necessarily mean that he has out and out lied to you (though it could), but most people are not really capable of making such bald statements. It's much more likely that he said something ever so much softer to the wife than he wants to admit to you.
mopar crazy Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 This thread brings up another question. Can someone think they love someone but deep down they really don't? Maybe it's the way the OP treats them they love, not the person themselves? When I was going to IC after H's A I gave my counselor the letters and poems. I told him I just don't think I could work on my M when he told the OW he loved her. He read the poems and the letters and asked me " Have you ever thought you loved someone but you really didn't?" Or something in that order. Well, he had a point. I think it was the attention and the affection that he was in love w/.
OWoman Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 This thread brings up another question. Can someone think they love someone but deep down they really don't? Maybe it's the way the OP treats them they love, not the person themselves? When I was going to IC after H's A I gave my counselor the letters and poems. I told him I just don't think I could work on my M when he told the OW he loved her. He read the poems and the letters and asked me " Have you ever thought you loved someone but you really didn't?" Or something in that order. Well, he had a point. I think it was the attention and the affection that he was in love w/. I guess that works both ways. Some times the MM thinks he loves the OW, but it's infatuation ego hunger or something else. Sometimes the MM thinks he loves the W, but it's fear of change or comfort or something else. Pretty hard to know from the outside, I guess.
bestadvisor Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 I do love him and want to be with him as does he (or he says), but there is only so much one person can deal with. I'm starting to wonder what is true anymore. I'm on the OW roller coaster. How do you feel about being responsible for breaking up a marriage and taking a two parents family home away from the children?
Lizzie60 Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 What are and would you be thinking when your husbands says he loves someone else? Would you stay and fight for him or let him go? And could you live with your H knowing he loves someone else and does not want to be intimate with you anymore? I'm not a BS.. but if my H would tell me he loves someone else, I would tell him to go with her. I would never stay or fight for someone who doesn't love me anymore... The only reason I would stay with my H, knowing he loves someone else, is that if he would agree, (let's say I don't love him anymore) to stay just for the sake of the kids and for the comfy life. If I was in a loveless life with someone, and he would not leave for someone he says he loves, I would stay only to keep the lifestyle and the kids...
Author KnownTruth Posted December 15, 2007 Author Posted December 15, 2007 How do you feel about being responsible for breaking up a marriage and taking a two parents family home away from the children? Well of course I feel quilt anyone would. But I don't feel responsible for breaking up a loveless, sexless, nothing but a piece of paper marriage. It wasn't a situation I woke up and thought " I will date a married man today". It happened between two consenting adults.
bestadvisor Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 It happened between two consenting adults. Yes, a cheater and a mistress.
bestadvisor Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 The only reason I would stay with my H, knowing he loves someone else, is that if he would agree, (let's say I don't love him anymore) to stay just for the sake of the kids and for the comfy life. You don't have to worry about that, because he would never marry you but only lie to you and use you. Because, ultimately, his heart is with his wife.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Yes, a cheater and a mistress. Ooooohhhhhhh! Coming out with the big guns, huh?
NoIDidn't Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Hey Known, don't disappear because of a drive by poster. We were all having a decend convo before "those" posts.
Recommended Posts