KnownTruth Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I have a question and would love a BS's opinion and the OW's as well... My MM and I started off as friends for several years and his W knows we are friends. MM and I have been having a affair for over 8 months. He told her that he loves me and I feel the same way but didn't mention the affair. His W asked if he still loved her and he said no. She told him that if he wants to leave and be happy with me then do so, or if he wants to stay she will as well. He has not left (that's being worked on) and he said they really don't talk about what was said, because they avoid each other and don't communicate. Working different scheldues helps them with this. But occasionally his wife will make a comment like why won't you touch me? He tells her because he does not want too and is not interested and that he doesn't love her. She is not understanding this but not talking to him about it either. My questions are for the BS's out there. What are and would you be thinking when your husbands says he loves someone else? Would you stay and fight for him or let him go? And could you live with your H knowing he loves someone else and does not want to be intimate with you anymore?
Tomcat33 Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Hi KnownTruth, I am not a BS but I have been in your shoes and have had my doubts when similar things were being said to me. How are you sure that he is really saying these things to her? He may not be saying it quite like that. He may be avoiding her but I have doubts that he is being that upfront about his feelings and this woman just takes it all in and dum-de-dum off she goes.... How do you feel? Do you believe he is actually being that blunt with her?
whichwayisup Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 He told her that he loves me and I feel the same way but didn't mention the affair. His W asked if he still loved her and he said no. She told him that if he wants to leave and be happy with me then do so, or if he wants to stay she will as well. He has not left (that's being worked on) and he said they really don't talk about what was said, because they avoid each other and don't communicate. This makes no sense. Unless she is speaking to a lawyer and keeping things calm and under control. OR, he is lying to you, exaggerating the truth. I don't know of any BS who would just hand over her H to the OW. Oh and I think she knows about the A, she's just keeping things quiet right now. The thing is, how do you know 100% that he is telling you the actual truth? All he has to do is just leave. Move out. Why is he still there? Until this plays out, I wouldn't do anything but distance yourself abit from him, just from what you've said (and I could be completely wrong here) I get the feeling he is telling you afew lines of crap. To you and to his wife.
NoIDidn't Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I have trouble believing this sort of thing from a MM. My H told his co-worker that he "talked to me" about what he told her he was going to talk about. Truth is, he didn't say any of the stuff that she was told that he was going to say. And he didn't say any of the stuff that he claimed to her that he said. That said, you really can't know if he is telling the truth or not unless you ask her. But I am sure you aren't going to ask her about it as it would show your hand and probably upset him.
Author KnownTruth Posted December 13, 2007 Author Posted December 13, 2007 Hi KnownTruth, I am not a BS but I have been in your shoes and have had my doubts when similar things were being said to me. How are you sure that he is really saying these things to her? He may not be saying it quite like that. He may be avoiding her but I have doubts that he is being that upfront about his feelings and this woman just takes it all in and dum-de-dum off she goes.... How do you feel? Do you believe he is actually being that blunt with her? I believe what he is saying as true and I know how upsets she gets if he talks to me as a "friend" and she has gone and complained to his parents about him not loving her anymore. And I did hear that from one of the parents back. Being his friend and knowing him for so long before the affair I know that he is a pretty much speak your mind type of guy and doesn't pull any punches...and he did want to tell her the part of the truth about us. He was starting off slow before adding the affair part in....
Author KnownTruth Posted December 13, 2007 Author Posted December 13, 2007 This makes no sense. Unless she is speaking to a lawyer and keeping things calm and under control. OR, he is lying to you, exaggerating the truth. I don't know of any BS who would just hand over her H to the OW. Oh and I think she knows about the A, she's just keeping things quiet right now. The thing is, how do you know 100% that he is telling you the actual truth? All he has to do is just leave. Move out. Why is he still there? Until this plays out, I wouldn't do anything but distance yourself abit from him, just from what you've said (and I could be completely wrong here) I get the feeling he is telling you afew lines of crap. To you and to his wife. Thank you for the advice. He is still staying due to that fact that it is his property and house that he had before they were married with just his name. Also because of young children involved. I think it's the same mm telling ow crap myself...
NoIDidn't Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I believe what he is saying as true and I know how upsets she gets if he talks to me as a "friend" and she has gone and complained to his parents about him not loving her anymore. And I did hear that from one of the parents back. Being his friend and knowing him for so long before the affair I know that he is a pretty much speak your mind type of guy and doesn't pull any punches...and he did want to tell her the part of the truth about us. He was starting off slow before adding the affair part in.... So are you saying that he told her that you are not just a friend and that he is having an A with you? I doubt that very seriously. Even for a "doesn't pull any punches" kind of guy. My H is that guy. He says what he means and means what he says. But he didn't have the guts to tell me that tidbit. The reality of my possible reaction set in and from that moment on he had to lie to her about what was said and done. I don't believe you are being told the truth here. Take his "confession" with a grain of salt.
whichwayisup Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I think it's the same mm telling ow crap myself... Then leave. Tell him to do whatever he is going to do, divorce, move out, and then once enough time has gone by, THEN he can call you and date you properly. Right now you are in the middle of a soon to be MESSY situation, not only because of the property, money issues, but the young children. IF this MM is going to leave his wife, (sorry, I doubt he is going to, I think he is loving having two women in his life) you have to be on good enough terms with his 'ex' as she will ALWAYS be in your lives because of those children they share together. You will be step-mom to their kids. Being his friend and knowing him for so long before the affair I know that he is a pretty much speak your mind type of guy and doesn't pull any punches...and he did want to tell her the part of the truth about us. He was starting off slow before adding the affair part in.... Yeah right. Starting off slowly...This is the opposite of what you said he is, doesn't pull any punches and speaks his mind. Doesn't seem this way to me, it seems he is not going to do anything except say one thing to you and something else to his wife. DO NOT BELIEVE HIM 100% and do not rely on anyone else for information. Unless you 'hear' it yourself, don't put all your eggs in one basket.
Author KnownTruth Posted December 13, 2007 Author Posted December 13, 2007 So are you saying that he told her that you are not just a friend and that he is having an A with you? I doubt that very seriously. Even for a "doesn't pull any punches" kind of guy. My H is that guy. He says what he means and means what he says. But he didn't have the guts to tell me that tidbit. The reality of my possible reaction set in and from that moment on he had to lie to her about what was said and done. I don't believe you are being told the truth here. Take his "confession" with a grain of salt. Thanks, I was hoping when he told his wife he was in love with me , that it would have been a perfect time to confess to our affair. She knows we are best friends and we love each other more than a friend. But he claims he didn't want to give her huge suprises at one time.
whichwayisup Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 She knows we are best friends and we love each other more than a friend. So he keeps telling you but you honestly don't know if he has actually told her this word for word. Remember, this man has been lying to her, so he's bound to lie to you at times as well.
Author KnownTruth Posted December 13, 2007 Author Posted December 13, 2007 I think it is time to give him the fish or cut bait speech. I think I need to tell him not to see me till he sees a lawyer or is divorced. That way he won't have two cozy life styles going on. Now he will have to choose. He will do what he feels is right and I will respect his decision. Thank you all for your imput thus far. I am starting to get a clearer picture of what I need to do for myself.
Tomcat33 Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Thank you for the advice. He is still staying due to that fact that it is his property and house that he had before they were married with just his name. Also because of young children involved. I think it's the same mm telling ow crap myself... Firstly I agree with everything WWIU said. And ok it might be true their marriage might be on very thin ice, I still doubt he is as forthright with his W as he is leading on to be...just a gut instinct I suppose. I just don't see how his W would entertain such an non-challant attitude if he were being that blunt!?!? What does he tell you her reaction is when he says these things to her? In regards to your quote up there re the same crap that all MM tell re. children, bare in mind he may very well be over feeling "love" for his W but the consideration of staying for the children and making it work somehow for the children is a very real case scenario. A lot of people feel distant from the relationship but very much tied to the family unit itself.
whichwayisup Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 KT, I'm glad you're thinking and taking a step back. Bet it won't be easy but IF you two have a real shot, he has to be alone until he divorces. Plus, the transition is not going to be easy at all because of their children, so just keep in mind that the KIDS most definately ARE going to be in his head, and that might be why he won't leave, and he'll try to work things out with his wife because of the kids.
OWoman Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 KT I'd also caution you to take it with a pinch of salt. Not that he's necessarily lying (in a deliberate, calculated way) but he may be reconstructing the truth both ways. To her, to soften the blow, he may have said things less than directly - omitted some things, or alluded to them, rather than stated them baldly outright. To you, he then represents it as having been said. He thinks he's communicated it, so he's not deliberately deceiving you, he's just leaving the dots for her to connect for herself and assuming she's done so. And similarly interpreting her response back to you. My MM went through a similar thing with his W, trying to minimise the pain, until I pointed out to him that by not being blunt he was allowing shreds of hope to remain and that that was far more cruel.
whichwayisup Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 A lot of people feel distant from the relationship but very much tied to the family unit itself. TC is right and this is why many MM and MW will not leave their marriage. They don't want to lose the family unit under one roof.
NoIDidn't Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Thanks, I was hoping when he told his wife he was in love with me , that it would have been a perfect time to confess to our affair. She knows we are best friends and we love each other more than a friend. But he claims he didn't want to give her huge suprises at one time. You're welcome. Its funny, but not funny, that my H said the same thing to her. He told her he didn't want to drop that kind of bomb on me at the time. Difference is, I didn't know about her so he didn't have that to fall back on in reassuring her that he was telling the truth. As far as him telling her he isn't interested in touching her. I cry "BS" on that one. No man still living at home with a woman is stupid enough to say that he's not interested in touching her if he wants to sleep without keeping one eye open. He probably told her the old MM standard that he is just "stressed" and that "there is a lot going on at work". Worse yet, he could be like my H and completely turned on by the adoration of another and be begging for sex every night!! A grain of salt, girlfriend. A grain of salt.
Tomcat33 Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Just for the record and not sure if this wil help you or not but I remember in my situation my ex had told me right before he had moved out and before she found out about us, that he had told her "I don't love you anymore" I asked "you actually said those exact words to her? and his response was "yes" I put him on the spot and asked him what did she say? he responded "she said that it's ok that in time he would grow to love her again if they worked at it" I never beleived that, I never believed he would have the courgage to tell her that...and even less that THAT would be her reaction. I mean c'mon what person reacts like that when they are being told "I don't love you anymore" Those are very strong words. What probably went down was he told her "I no longer feel connected.." or something along those lines and she said what she did. He may very well have felt like he no longer loved her but what was actually said, TOTALLY different story. Again I was not there but you gotta wonder...these guys will say a lot when they don't want a "good" thing to end.
NoIDidn't Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 KT I'd also caution you to take it with a pinch of salt. Not that he's necessarily lying (in a deliberate, calculated way) but he may be reconstructing the truth both ways. To her, to soften the blow, he may have said things less than directly - omitted some things, or alluded to them, rather than stated them baldly outright. To you, he then represents it as having been said. He thinks he's communicated it, so he's not deliberately deceiving you, he's just leaving the dots for her to connect for herself and assuming she's done so. And similarly interpreting her response back to you. I agree with this mostly but not so much that it may not be deliberate or calculated. I think it is very calculated. Not in a malicious way. Just in a way that benefits him most. My H wanted to soften the blow both ways as well. Its just the nature of men. They do not want to be in the doghouse with TWO women if they can help it. LOL. The part I agree with the most is him waiting for her to connect the dots herself, but I would add - waiting for her to also drop the hammer. When men attempt to soften the blow, they are really wanting the woman to make the decision for them. IMO.
OWoman Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I agree with this mostly but not so much that it may not be deliberate or calculated. I think it is very calculated. Not in a malicious way. Just in a way that benefits him most. My H wanted to soften the blow both ways as well. Its just the nature of men. They do not want to be in the doghouse with TWO women if they can help it. LOL. The part I agree with the most is him waiting for her to connect the dots herself, but I would add - waiting for her to also drop the hammer. When men attempt to soften the blow, they are really wanting the woman to make the decision for them. IMO. NID I don't doubt there are some men that are certainly deliberate and calculating. But even those whose intentions are not as consciously self-serving can still behave in this way.
Impudent Oyster Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 He told her that he loves me and I feel the same way but didn't mention the affair. His W asked if he still loved her and he said no. She told him that if he wants to leave and be happy with me then do so, or if he wants to stay she will as well. He has not left (that's being worked on) and he said they really don't talk about what was said, because they avoid each other and don't communicate. Working different scheldues helps them with this. But occasionally his wife will make a comment like why won't you touch me? He tells her because he does not want too and is not interested and that he doesn't love her. She is not understanding this but not talking to him about it either. My questions are for the BS's out there. What are and would you be thinking when your husbands says he loves someone else? Would you stay and fight for him or let him go? And could you live with your H knowing he loves someone else and does not want to be intimate with you anymore? Well, my husband never said he loved anyone else, because if he did, he wouldn't be my husband, he'd be my ex-husband or my late husband...(just kidding, calm down). Would I stay and "fight"? Hardly, I'd boot him out the door so fast he wouldn't have time to blink. No, I could not live with any man who loved someone else, I don't think anyone would. I doubt very, very, VERY much that your MM told his wife he loved you. I wouldn't put too much stock in the words of a known liar, KWIM? If I were you, I'd be wondering why that MM who loves you didn't take the out his wife offered (you did say she told him to leave to be with you if he wanted). Why isn't he leaving? She told him to go, right?
justice Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I have a question and would love a BS's opinion and the OW's as well... My MM and I started off as friends for several years and his W knows we are friends. MM and I have been having a affair for over 8 months. He told her that he loves me and I feel the same way but didn't mention the affair. His W asked if he still loved her and he said no. She told him that if he wants to leave and be happy with me then do so, or if he wants to stay she will as well. He has not left (that's being worked on) and he said they really don't talk about what was said, because they avoid each other and don't communicate. Working different scheldues helps them with this. But occasionally his wife will make a comment like why won't you touch me? He tells her because he does not want too and is not interested and that he doesn't love her. She is not understanding this but not talking to him about it either. My questions are for the BS's out there. What are and would you be thinking when your husbands says he loves someone else? Would you stay and fight for him or let him go? And could you live with your H knowing he loves someone else and does not want to be intimate with you anymore? I'd be kicking his a-- to the curb and letting him know just exactly what I thought of his lying cheating butt. He made a commitment before God and Family. He should honor that commitment or at least get divorced first. But then again, I have strong values, that's prolly why I divorced his lying, cheating butt awhile back. No one should ever have to go through their spouse being unfaithful, regardless of whether or not they love the other person. The betrayer should at least have the decency and the honesty to go forward with the divorce after making such a declaration. Why is he still there with someone he doesn't love? Living there should be the last thing he wants if he's truly in love with you then he should be with you so you can put up with his lying and cheating.
justice Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Oh and for the record, my ex husband was lying to the ow when he told her we were not intimate and that he had told me. If I would have let him he would still be with me today. Since he cheated though he has zero chances with me EVER again.
jj2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I have a question and would love a BS's opinion and the OW's as well... My MM and I started off as friends for several years and his W knows we are friends. MM and I have been having a affair for over 8 months. He told her that he loves me and I feel the same way but didn't mention the affair. His W asked if he still loved her and he said no. She told him that if he wants to leave and be happy with me then do so, or if he wants to stay she will as well. He has not left (that's being worked on) and he said they really don't talk about what was said, because they avoid each other and don't communicate. Working different scheldues helps them with this. But occasionally his wife will make a comment like why won't you touch me? He tells her because he does not want too and is not interested and that he doesn't love her. She is not understanding this but not talking to him about it either. My questions are for the BS's out there. What are and would you be thinking when your husbands says he loves someone else? Would you stay and fight for him or let him go? And could you live with your H knowing he loves someone else and does not want to be intimate with you anymore? If I was the W in this situation, and depending on if your MM is telling the truth or not (I would ask the W point blank if this is true. if it is, all the better for you, if it's not, you have both sides of the story and can decide what to do from there) Hell no! if my H told me that I would tell him, "don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!" I would never stay in a relationship where I was told I was not loved or wanted anymore. I would leave and find someone who wanted me and loved me for me.
cj1988 Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 He may have told his W he is not in love with her anymore, BUT he has NOT told her is in love with you....he is a LIAR ! Run Forest Run ! If he had she would be GONE, unless she does not care at all or has someone on the side as well.....if that is the case and her H finds out she is cheatig as well, you are history.....he will then want his W back !
reboot Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I have to agree with what the majority are saying. If my wife had said "I love him not you" that would have been that. That's a far greater betrayal than something physical. And this is coming from a man. I would think a woman would feel even more strongly the same way. I just can't imagine many women out there that would take those words with a mere "we'll work on it". I think he's lying.
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