Mustang Sally Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 I haven't yet read all the posts on this thread... Just thought I'd give my opinion on the original question. When I was in college, I planned to never have any children. Didn't really plan to get married, either. I was going to be a big "career woman." I figured if I had a man in my life at all, it would be a married guy that I did on the side - hence, a perfect situation for both of us. It makes me laugh, now. I have four kids, for those that don't know. Sometimes, I think back to how I "used to be" and I have no idea how I got to where I am now. But I do still have my career. It just gets done a little differently than I originaly thought. I do tell young(er) women that I mentor this: You can't have it all. Something eventually has to give, so keep that in mind when planning your life (work, family, etc.). Carefully consider your priorities. I have found having kids is truly a tremendous sacrifice. I miss my previous (carefree) life not infrequently. However, as you have been told before, it is certainly worth it - for me, at least. Anyway. To have or not to have is a very personal decision. I'm just thankful to live in an era and culture that affords women the opportunity to make the choice, each for herself.
allina Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 I feel the people who chose to adopt a child rather than have their own are the truly unselfish individuals. I have so much respect for them. Me too. If I ever change my mind about wanting a child and decide to be a parent I will adopt. I don't see why I would create another child when there are already so many out there who need a loving family.
Trialbyfire Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 I feel the people who chose to adopt a child rather than have their own are the truly unselfish individuals. I have so much respect for them. Most people just want to see themselves in a child and past on their own genes as well as have someone to take care of them when they are older. However that "who's going to take care of you when you're older" thing is going out of style. People are slapping their parents in retirement homes by the droves and don't want grandma living with them anymore. When I was a kid it was a given that grandma would live with us till she died, not anymore. I figure you'd better save the money you were going to spend to raise a child on your retirement costs. Are they really? I see it as a selfish need to not want to mar their own bodies or go through the hassle and pain of pregnancy and birth, IF they are capable of having them. I see it as one of the most amazing bonding processes, being pregnant for 9+ months and then giving birth to a wonderful little person. If you're unable to have children, then yes, I agree. As for my parents, there's no way they will end up in a home, unless it's what they desire. It wouldn't surprise me if they insist on it, due to their need for independence. When I have a child/children, I don't want to live with them when I get older. I want my own life and independence.
maynicholas Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 I had a strange experience at work concerning this whole matter. A girl I work with is 19. When she first learned I was 30, unmarried, and childless she said 'Wow, I feel kind of awkward and like I should feel sorry for you' I said 'why?' she said 'well your 30 and don't have any kids.' I said 'I wouldn't have it any other way'.
Crestfallen_KH Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Add me to the list. I made it quite clear to my ex that if he wanted children, to move along. After he proposed, I reiterated that I still did not want children and if he knew he did, then I wouldn't marry him. I'm amazed by the number of couples who don't talk about this. Well, now I have to try and find another guy who also doesn't want kids...and in my 30s when so many already have them. *gulp* It's just that important to me. When I told someone years ago that I knew I didn't want kids she actually said to me "Well, what other purpose is there for your life?" *blink, blink*
KenzieAbsolutely Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 When I told someone years ago that I knew I didn't want kids she actually said to me "Well, what other purpose is there for your life?" *blink, blink* ew. just seriously, ew. what a rude wench. you should have punched her in the ovary. i just really do not get why people care if other people don't want to have children, i really don't. i don't want them, and yet, i would never say to a pregnant woman or mother "are/were you sure this is what you want? there are so many better things to do with your life out there. having children ruins your opportunities and lives!!!"* *i don't feel this way, this to me is just the equivalent to saying to someone who remains childfree "wow, no children? so you're basically a waste of space."
Florida Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 ew. just seriously, ew. what a rude wench. you should have punched her in the ovary. i just really do not get why people care if other people don't want to have children, i really don't. i don't want them, and yet, i would never say to a pregnant woman or mother "are/were you sure this is what you want? there are so many better things to do with your life out there. having children ruins your opportunities and lives!!!"* *i don't feel this way, this to me is just the equivalent to saying to someone who remains childfree "wow, no children? so you're basically a waste of space." Yeah, agreed KA- why the hostility for choosing to know what one wants and doesn't ahead of time? To make some kind of blanket statement based on that as to the purpose of someone's existence is SO presumptuous. Punch to the ovary!
Rooster_DAR Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Hey everyone, I'm just wondering how many ladies out there are choosing to not have kids because they just don't want any? I'm 30, and have known for about 6 years now, that I'm not interested in having children. Noone seems to believe me! They all say...."oh, your only 30, give it a few years." I'm certain I do not want kids. I feel likeI am kind of a new breed of women, not interested in a family. how many others of you are out there? And what are your reasons? This thread is good news, I thought I was going to meander alone with the idea of not wanting children. D'oh!
Author nashua Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 Wow EVERYONE, Thanks for all the varied and wonderful responses to this one. Obviously this is a sensitive topic for some. I'm just very happy to know there are other women out there who are not into having kids. The idea of adoption is interesting too. I've always felt that if I ever changed my mind, that adoption would be a wonderful idea. I've been to Cambodia and I can tell you that Cambodia is the place to adopt a child. Even when I was there, there was this part of me that wanted to take one of the abandoned children home with me. I guess if I ever really feel the need I will, but I'm very happy in my life without kids, and really don't see that changing. Keep the responses coming. I find this fascinating!
Quinch Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I'm 35 and still not sure I ever want kids. I honestly don't think I'm patient or responsible enough to be a father right now. I would rather have the career and the freedom. I'm sure there will be times when I see dads with their children and I'll think "that could have been me" and I'll regret it, but I might end up regretting it if I do have kids and that would be worse. As Cairodancer mentioned, there is always the option of adopting or even sponsoring. There are millions of kids in Africa/Asia who have nothing so why bring another little consumer into an already overpopulated world?
stillafool Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 As Cairodancer mentioned, there is always the option of adopting or even sponsoring. There are millions of kids in Africa/Asia who have nothing so why bring another little consumer into an already overpopulated world? Exactly!!!!
stillafool Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Are they really? I see it as a selfish need to not want to mar their own bodies or go through the hassle and pain of pregnancy and birth, IF they are capable of having them. I see it as one of the most amazing bonding processes, being pregnant for 9+ months and then giving birth to a wonderful little person. Being pregnant, delivering, pain and my body was never a fear for me in having a baby. My fear was always about after the baby got here. As far as a bonding experience I'm sure you can have the same bonding experience with an adopted baby also if you love it. As for my parents, there's no way they will end up in a home, unless it's what they desire. It wouldn't surprise me if they insist on it, due to their need for independence. I think this is wonderful of you and your parents are very blessed to have you, however this is not what the majority of people are doing. When I have a child/children, I don't want to live with them when I get older. I want my own life and independence. To be honest I think most of the people in retirement homes would rather live an independent life also, but unfortunately as we age we don't know what will happen to our bodies to land us in a home.
blind_otter Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 To be honest I think most of the people in retirement homes would rather live an independent life also, but unfortunately as we age we don't know what will happen to our bodies to land us in a home. The unexpected happened to my best friend's mother, who in her late 40s began showing signs of early onset Alzheimer's disease. Now she's in her mid-50s and unable to care for herself. She can't feed herself, dress herself, speak, or even go to the bathroom on her own. It's so depressing. You never think something will happen to you but thank God her daughter is there to care for her.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 i fail to see how adopting an otherwise unwanted, ill-cared for child and taking them into your life is in any way a selfish act. maybe that's just me. i think it's a pretty immature view to say people who adopt are just being selfish with their bodies. in fact, that's one of the most ridiculous things i think i've ever heard.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 The unexpected happened to my best friend's mother, who in her late 40s began showing signs of early onset Alzheimer's disease. Now she's in her mid-50s and unable to care for herself. She can't feed herself, dress herself, speak, or even go to the bathroom on her own. It's so depressing. You never think something will happen to you but thank God her daughter is there to care for her. that's horrible. she's lucky to have her daughter; many parents do not have the same fate anymore, as their children are quick to dump them on someone else. i know my parents didn't have us so they have someone to take care of them, but they also know it's an added benefit...i would never turn my back on my parents, and neither would my siblings.
mulhollanddr22 Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Even though I'm only in my 20s, I'm also feeling fairly certain I don't want kids. I honestly feel like if I could play the usual role of the father or man, my feelings would be different. But since, in spite of strides towards equality, women are still expected to sacrifice independence, appearance, and individual identity to become the generic selfless "mom," it's just not something that appeals to me at all.
blind_otter Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 honestly feel like if I could play the usual role of the father or man, my feelings would be different. But since, in spite of strides towards equality, women are still expected to sacrifice independence, appearance, and individual identity to become the generic selfless "mom," I don't think this is the case at all. Growing up, my father stayed at home and took care of the kids while my mom worked. He would wake up and make us breakfast and drive us to school. He was the one who would come get us when we were sick at school, or bring us lunches when we forgot ours. He was the one who chaperoned field trips and picked us up from school. He was the one who went to parent teacher conferences. In fact, Dad was the one who cooked the turkey for Thanksgiving and Christmas. My mom usually worked nights and holidays to make extra money, and she was the disciplinarian. This was during the 80s. By now I'm sure there are many more families that are like this. My father was the one who sacrifieced independence, appearance and individual identity to become the generic, selfless "dad". With my SO and I, I plan to stay home for about 2 months after the baby is born, and my SO plans to stay home with the baby for about 4 months, if not more. I am a working woman, so I could never stay at home, but I have no objections if my SO wants to do so, or work from home so he can take care of the baby.
unimoko Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Honestly, I always had a hard time with this subject. For a long time I thought that I should not have kids (because of previous experiences). I thought I would be an unfit mother, but I was told that once I meet the right person I would want to have kids. My last ex, I totally would have kids with him, but he is a commitment phob. Otherwhise I don't think I would want kids. Mayabe I would adopt, I guess. You don't need anyone's opinion on wheter or not you should have kids. You have to live with them, not your critics.
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