JMC Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I never thought I'd have the strength, or the desire to do what I'm gonna do. MM and I got back together over a week ago - his idea. I was shocked but happy of course. Well now, I'm 99% sure I'm going to break it off. I changed somehow. After the horrible pain when he broke it off before, I changed. I'll never be that same person with him as I was at first. I lost all the idealism and hope. So even though we're together, it's not the same as it was before (not sure if because I lost my naiivete, or because we never see each other?!!). The reason I'm going to break it off is because I'm not freaking getting anything out of this relationship!! Which makes me wonder how other OW's stay with their MM's for months and years? Are you guys getting your needs met? Is it just me and my MM that are this way - where I'm pretty sure he gets his basic dang needs met (and then some), but I'm realizing that I certainly am not, and it's just too painful and frustrating and - kinda empty. He is so busy with his family and work (as I know he should be, so please don't flame) that we hardly see each other (yet he still wants to be together??). I feel so detached. I feel I deserve way more than this. I can't believe I'm doing the breakup because I want to; I always thought I'd do it because I'm supposed to, or to force him to come to me. Nope, I'm doing it because I NEED MORE out of a relationship, I deserve more, and I'm gonna go out and find it. So my secondary subject here is, HOW do other OW/M's do this - for years & years???? Do your MM's give you enough time, attention, and love to sustain you? If he doesn't, how do you keep going?
whichwayisup Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Which makes me wonder how other OW's stay with their MM's for months and years? Because some settle to stay the OW and are happy with it.
whichwayisup Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 The reason I'm going to break it off is because I'm not freaking getting anything out of this relationship!! This is great news! You are putting yourself first and realizing that you want MORE, but he isn't the one who can give it to you because he is married. You deserve better and more, so the sooner you end it, get through the loss and pain, heal, you'll find a man who is better suited for you and someone who can meet all your needs and BE with you all the time, not just some of the time on HIS schedule. Stay strong. You can do this.
NoIDidn't Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Breaking it off for either of the reasons you listed is dependent upon what you feel is best for you. Both are good reasons. In the end, both are also best for you. Its hard breaking things off for good, though. I hope you have the strength to do it completely (eventually).
Author JMC Posted December 13, 2007 Author Posted December 13, 2007 Thank you, WWIU!! Um, is this weird that I really don't think I'm going to be in that much pain....that, along with the fact that I'm doing this at all, are shocking me. But I like it. I went thru unbelievable pain when he broke it off suddenly, 3 weeks ago, because of the kids (or so he said - I think he was just too stressed juggling me and his family). So perhaps I grieved it all out then. Do you or others see this happen much? Where ending it seems right and kinda "natural" because of the emptiness and loneliness and frustration? (Especially when there's God knows how many SG's out there who don't have demands on them.) I just didn't see this one coming but that's how my life is regularly - stuff I get all worked up and worried about is rarely what ends up happening. Stuff I never expect is what usually happens to me.
Tomcat33 Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 WOW JMC good for you that you came to this realization and that this is what you want for yourself. When it stops making sense you have to listen to that voice and act on it. What will you do when he insists that you don't leave him? They usually become very pesistent when you take the lead and they are not prepared to lose you.
Tomcat33 Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 WOW JMC good for you that you came to this realization and that this is what you want for yourself. When it stops making sense you have to listen to that voice and act on it. What will you do when he insists that you don't leave him? They usually become very pesistent when you take the lead and they are not prepared to lose you.
Tomcat33 Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 WOW JMC good for you that you came to this realization and that this is what you want for yourself. When it stops making sense you have to listen to that voice and act on it. What will you do when he insists that you don't leave him? They usually become very pesistent when you take the lead and they are not prepared to lose you.
PLAYBRAT Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 JMC....First of all GOOD for you for making this decision!!!! I am not all that surprised at your sobering attitude.I think what he did was a huge wake up call for you...in addition to reading this site has miost likely opened your eyes a lot and in essence you are no longer naive to his game anymore. It feels good to know this will be YOUR decision and not his. THAT is why you are not upset or worried. You know you WILL be ok......and you really will be. I am curious to see what kind of lines he might attempt to feed you to keep you there. Should be interesting. Keep us posted!!!!
OWoman Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 That's great JMC - I'm glad you're placing yourself at the centre of this and making sure what you're doing is best for you. And breaking it off for the right reasons is awesome! HOW do other OW/M's do this - for years & years???? Do your MM's give you enough time, attention, and love to sustain you? If he doesn't, how do you keep going? Since no one else is answering this, let me have a go. I suppose initially something part-time, on the side was all I wanted, so it suited me perfectly. We'd have wonderful times together, and then not see each other for months (it's LDR) during which we'd get on with the rest of our lives. But then we fell in love and decided, after lots of thinking and talking, that we wanted to be together, and since then we've been working towards that. So it's never been the kind of stuckness I've seen some OWs reporting about their Rs, where they want things to change but they're not changing. We both started changing ours as soon as we'd decided that was what we wanted. Of course it's not changing quickly enough for what we'd prefer - there are all kinds of logistical issues and visa requirements and practicalities around kids and households on both sides - aside from the lengthy process that D involves in his country - but we're spending as much time together as our current visa status allows, and for the rest making telecomms companies rich! We've always been open as a couple, so friends, colleagues and family have always known and been supportive and that also helps. I think the secrecy aspect would have made it very difficult.
PLAYBRAT Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 JMC..I will take a stab at the second part of your question..and how OW can sustain their A's so long... I believe a LOT of OW (not all) stay stuck and hang on for a number of reasons: The MM placates them with excuses that are JUST believable enough to keep them hanging on just a "little longer"...while he thinks of yet another excuse to feed her. The OW has no REAL desire to pursue things with the MM...she may enjoy seeing all the "good" parts of him...not the day to day things the W sees and deals with. So some OW are content with the arrangement. Some OW enjoy the lifestyle a MM provides her...he may furnish her an apt, provide her with a car, buy her gifts etc...she can enjoy these luxuries without the "real" commitment to anyone. This lifestyle may become addicting to some types of OW. OW may be kept in the dark about MM's marriage altogether.He may have never told her.....for months or years..by then a serious emotional attachment to the MM is formed thus hard to break away from. These are various reasons....but ultimately the OW keeps herself stuck...no one else.
jj2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 The reason I'm going to break it off is because I'm not freaking getting anything out of this relationship!! Which makes me wonder how other OW's stay with their MM's for months and years? That is what I have been trying to figure out. Good question. Is it just me and my MM that are this way - NO, I'd say you are definately not alone here! I feel I deserve way more than this. I'm doing it because I NEED MORE out of a relationship, I deserve more, and I'm gonna go out and find it. I just want to say I am sooooo proud of you! You seem like a wonderful person and YOU DO DESERVE ALOT MORE! I wish you the best of luck and there is a man out there willing to give you all of him! Go get 'em girl!
Lizzie60 Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 The important thing here is YOU.. how do you feel about this relationship... You're not happy with it.. then you leave... good for you! It doesn't work the same way for all OW... some, like me, can last for years, because there is no commitment, no expectations from the MMs. It gets complicated when the MMs make promises to string along the OW or when the OW forgets about what she really wants, about her own happiness... then she gets hurt. The most important person on the planet is YOU... so do whatever you need to do to make YOU happy!
nadiaj2727 Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 CONGRATULATIONS JMC, I am so proud of you!!! Way to be strong and independent.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I feel so detached. I feel I deserve way more than this. I can't believe I'm doing the breakup because I want to; I always thought I'd do it because I'm supposed to, or to force him to come to me. Nope, I'm doing it because I NEED MORE out of a relationship, I deserve more, and I'm gonna go out and find it. So my secondary subject here is, HOW do other OW/M's do this - for years & years???? Do your MM's give you enough time, attention, and love to sustain you? If he doesn't, how do you keep going? First if he's not meeting your needs, then you should break up with him...It's his problem he's married, not yours...If he wants to sustain the R, he needs to put in the time and effort... Secondly, mine is divorcing...But since I put my foot down and raised my expectations, he met them...He would even surprise me by surpassing them... I didn't allow myself to be treated badly...I am worth it! I really believe that people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you... R's are give and take...And if one person is doing only one of the two, the R will be unhealthy and unhappy... Good luck to you! If you two are meant to be (sorry for the cliche) then you will be together...He will do what he needs to do if he loves you and needs you in his life... GEL
frannie Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 The reason I'm going to break it off is because I'm not freaking getting anything out of this relationship!! Which makes me wonder how other OW's stay with their MM's for months and years? Are you guys getting your needs met? Is it just me and my MM that are this way - where I'm pretty sure he gets his basic dang needs met (and then some), but I'm realizing that I certainly am not, and it's just too painful and frustrating and - kinda empty. He is so busy with his family and work (as I know he should be, so please don't flame) that we hardly see each other (yet he still wants to be together??). I feel so detached. I feel I deserve way more than this. I can't believe I'm doing the breakup because I want to; I always thought I'd do it because I'm supposed to, or to force him to come to me. Nope, I'm doing it because I NEED MORE out of a relationship, I deserve more, and I'm gonna go out and find it. So my secondary subject here is, HOW do other OW/M's do this - for years & years???? Do your MM's give you enough time, attention, and love to sustain you? If he doesn't, how do you keep going? Hey JMC I know you have another thread now about having broken it off, but I saw this one first and it has more interesting questions on it So, firstly, great news that this has happened to you too... you are doing it because you need and deserve more out of a relationship and you're going to go out and find it! Yeah! Not breaking it off because you think it will make him change or leave or do something different, but just because you're sick of not getting your needs met! Perfect reason, and I wish you all the luck in the world! Secondly, you ask how OW are able to stay so long in affairs. I can answer this one for myself: it's a mixture of hope that things will change and seeing the potential AND having enough of your needs met that you're happy enough day-to-day. Personally, MM made the effort to get here and stay with me for a few days each week, so for the most part yes, it wasn't your usual snatched moments at work, sneaking around kind of thing. Which probably explains the three and a half years . But even so, like you, I want more than this. AND as soon as it got really comfortable and I could see him OK to continue for years... I got really tired of it and felt quite negative towards him. I could see he was content to go on deceiving his wife, compromising himself and me, and basically juggling everyone so that he didn't have to make any hard decisions. So, I made some for myself.
OWoman Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 AND as soon as it got really comfortable and I could see him OK to continue for years... Frannie I think that's the key! Some MM are comfortable with the triad, and some are not - just as some OW are comfortable with being (and staying) OW and some are not. But if a MM is comfortable, he's not going to change anything - why should he? And if his OW is not comfortable, it's not going to work. Sometimes it's the OW that's comfortable and not the MM - I've been in some of those, in which case it's also time to move on as the MM dumps the W and wants more than the OW is prepared to offer. Not a good match either. If MM and OW are both comfortable - and Lizzie seems to have some of those - then it could carry on for as long as both want. My current MM was never really comfortable with the situation - he's very much a one-woman man and he found it really hard to sustain that split. But he fell very hard for me and he convinced himself - since it was all I wanted - that it was what he wanted too, for a while. But after a while of everyone asking him why he didn't dump his W and take up with me full-time he stopped pretending that that wasn't what he wanted, and came clean with me, fully expecting I'd dump him. Only, I'd been doing some thinking of my own and realised that I wanted something more with him, too, and so we moved from the comfortable to the not comfortable and started doing something about it. Hard as it is. It was so much easier before!
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