IamASelfishSOB Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I'm really not sure that I want to draw attention to myself again, but I wanted to give an update on my situation for those that my be thinking I might have fallen off the wagon. I can't say that I have a story of remarkable success, nor do I have any great words of wisdom. I'd just like to say that I again appreciate everyone that helped me out earlier this year. I still have been lurking on LS and I still find other people's situations helpful to me and read many posts. I said in my previous thread that I would not cheat again and I haven't. That is not to say that the OW has left my mind entirely. As a matter of fact, I happened to see her today for the first time since late October, which is partially what prompted this post. She was working with me in October, but that really went without incident. Today she stopped in to do some paperwork and I came in the office as she was leaving and basically I smiled and said, "Hello, have a happy holiday." and continued to my office. She has not initiated contact in the last month and a half and nor have I. I am hopeful that she will not be back to work for us this spring. That is a strong possibility. I am reasonably confident that she is through with me regardless, but I really don't want her around to make me recollect what transpired. I would also like to say that I have not told my wife what happened, nor have I gone to any kind of conselling. I realize that this will disappoint some. I would like to reiterate the fact that regardless of what I have done, I do love her and I have made efforts to make our relationship a better one, as has she, because she kind of sensed that I was having problems. I have kind of come to the conclusion that my marriage will never really be the relationship that I truly desire. This makes me sad, but I have hopes that the thoughts of what my relationship lacks eventually disappear and I will focus on what is good about it and that will be enough for me. In the meantime, I will continue to be faithful and work through my issues as I see them. I am hopeful that I can make my wife happy and ultimately be proud of myself again. I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't thought about the OW or my affair and how it made me feel. Those thoughts came back to me today when I saw her again. What I do know is that I will not cheat on my wife and family again. As exciting as it was, it has been, equally, an awful experience that I am quite sure has taken a couple of years off of my life and I know that I will have regret for eternity. Again, thanks to those that helped me through a difficult time.
whichwayisup Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Hey SOB. Glad to hear that you are focussing on your wife and becoming a better husband. Still think you need to distance yourself MORE from the OW and not wish her a happy holiday. I know you think you were being nice, but even that tiny amount of wishing her a happy holiday gives her hope, or at best, will make her think about it (you know how women over think stuff, well, you just gave her a dandy one to analyze to death and pick apart the 'meaning' behind what you said to her) so let's hope she backs off and doesn't try to talk to you more and more.
LakesideDream Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I understand being caught flat footed and saying "happy holidays" to your former affair partner. I can imagine how akward it was. I'm also impressed by your self control, and effort to improve your marriage, even though you know it's not your "ideal". That takes real courage. I hope it works for you and lasts "forever" (shades of Bridges of Madison County). My heart actually goes out to you as I know what that feels like. As a young boy (18) I walked away from the love of my life. Seven years later I fell in love with, and married another woman. Occeasionally, (not even yearly) I thought about that past love with fondness and private regret. It wasn't a bowl of cherrio's I can tell you. I loved my wife, and my life and family. But I longed to know what happened to "her". Oh.. eventually I did reconnect, and we have a friendship (after the divorce). Be strong and do the best that you can do. Maybe it will be enough to last you a lifetime. Maybe. I also agree with not telling your wife. The confession may help you, but it will hurt her horribly. Just don't do it again, please.
smartgirl Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 SOB - so glad to hear an update from you. Happy to hear you have had no interactions with OW of any substance. However, I'm very sorry to hear that you feel there will always be something missing from your marriage. I was never really clear from your previous posts what that was. I sort of got that you did not find your W very attractive and that sexual attraction was limited. If that was it, I don't know if you will have that or not, though it seems like you might have a better shot if you could open up to your W about what you find missing. I'm not saying you have to tell her about the A, though I think in my case that was what prompted us both to make big changes. I do wish you would consider MC. If for no other purpose than to "freshen up" the way the two of you interact. Sex had been not great for us for years. Between exhaustion, habit and kid ambushes it was just stale. I think even more for me than him even though it was he that had the A. It is better now than it was in the previous 30 years, so if that is it maybe there is hope for you. But you have to find some way to make changes that you think will work for you and your W. Great to hear from you. So happy she has finally backed off. Keep up the good work and please don't lose hope. Your marriage can still evolve.
Author IamASelfishSOB Posted December 13, 2007 Author Posted December 13, 2007 SOB - so glad to hear an update from you. Happy to hear you have had no interactions with OW of any substance. However, I'm very sorry to hear that you feel there will always be something missing from your marriage. I was never really clear from your previous posts what that was. I sort of got that you did not find your W very attractive and that sexual attraction was limited. If that was it, I don't know if you will have that or not, though it seems like you might have a better shot if you could open up to your W about what you find missing. I'm not saying you have to tell her about the A, though I think in my case that was what prompted us both to make big changes. I do wish you would consider MC. If for no other purpose than to "freshen up" the way the two of you interact. Sex had been not great for us for years. Between exhaustion, habit and kid ambushes it was just stale. I think even more for me than him even though it was he that had the A. It is better now than it was in the previous 30 years, so if that is it maybe there is hope for you. But you have to find some way to make changes that you think will work for you and your W. Great to hear from you. So happy she has finally backed off. Keep up the good work and please don't lose hope. Your marriage can still evolve. Good to hear from you and the others. Just to clarify, sex really isn't the issue for me. Of course sex can always be better and your spouse can always be more attractive, but our sex life has never really been bad and I have to say that I am ultimately satisfied with it. My issues are more inherent in her personality. I really don't want hash them out in this forum, but it's highly unlikely if not impossible that these things will change. I have hopes that I can work through that though. I'm still struggling with how to do it, but I just need to find other outlets for that energy. Thanks again for your help, you were one of the posters that provided me with very valuable insight.
heftysmurf Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 I think many people envision a castle and all. Life is not like that. You have bills, chores, etc. Fact of life. Realize your affair was all fun but it was fake. A lie. Get past it. I am not saying stay in your marriage however. Think about her actions. What is really bad? Some things may be. General attitude, yelling, being mean, sarcasm, etc. Let her know in a very nice way how this effects you: When you blank I appears you are blank with me. Without specifics I cannot tell what you should do next but maybe IC for both of you.
smartgirl Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 SOB - I feel you aren't really looking for the full on give and take like last time, and that's fine. Just very glad you let us know what's happening. It actually does make me, and likely others, feel better and more hopeful when we hear from someone who is moving forward in the direction they have set out for themselves. I think I can relate in a way to what you described regarding your W and the personality issue. I'd like to share some ramblings on my situation and maybe you have some thoughts about it. I have been with the same man for over 30 years, since we were teenagers. I knew almost right away that he was special and that he was who I wanted to stay with. Is he perfect for me? In most ways yes. Certainly in more ways than any man I have ever met. I tend to be a bit philosophical anyway, but it sometimes takes all the big picture perspective I can muster to deal with the elements of his personality that dissatisfy me. My H is highly intelligent and very analytical. He is kind and good hearted and hundreds of other great qualities. But he is almost physically incapable of expressing his feelings which extends to how he feels about me. There have been moments over the years, verbally, but mostly in letters or cards, where he can squeeze something out. But for the most part, he doesn't think about it and doesn't express it. Romantic attentiveness is also not an element of his personality. If you know anything about Meirs-Briggs, he is the poster boy for his type and this is how they are wired. But somehow, I know he loves me. I have dealt with this unevenly throughout our relationship. At some points in my life it bothered me a lot and at others it didn't. When I've gone through periods when it bothers me, it can take on outsized importance to all the good things - like I just can't go on unless he changes. After his EA 20 years ago and his PA 2 years ago, it has seemed like a deal breaker. Like he better fix this or I'm out of here. But in the end, I know he will not change. Not because he doesn't want to, but at this point his essential personality traits are baked in. He wasn't any better with OW and it drove her crazy apparently. So I have to face this question, is this his problem or my problem? Is he in the wrong because he won't/can't give it or am I wrong because I need it? Is there another way for me to get the feelings from him that I crave without him having to verbalize them? I tend to feel there is no right or wrong here. There is reality and then there is accepting it or deciding I can no longer accept it. Before I at least felt special because I was the only woman he had ever loved. Now that has been compromised. All that being said, he still seems like the best person for me overall. I just wish he was better at telling me what I mean to him. Or I wish I didn't need him to tell me what I mean to him so badly. No easy answers here.
american-woman Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Your marriage can be better than before don`t think it can`t. But you must be honest and tell your wife. Each time you see the OW that brings back old feelings, thats why there needs to be a NC(no-contact) in place and that means even leaving your job. You don`t put drugs in front of a drug addict and expect them not to touch them. You say you will not cheat on your wife and family again? If you don`t figure out what lead to the affair and work out those issues together YOU will have another affair. That is certain. In working on your marriage together with complete honesty and hard work your marriage can and will be better than before> Good luck
BestAdvisor1 Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 SOB, I am glad that you're still keeping your hands off this OW, but at the same time, you didn't give us the success story you promised. Have you tried everything to bring out the side of your W you want? Whatever the answer is, I think you do love her and you're doing fine so far. Don't say "happy holidays" to the OW again. Keep it neutral and don't try to be "nice." Smartgirl, are you still with your husband even after his PA? What led to his A?
Ronni_W Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 ...experience that I am quite sure has taken a couple of years off of my life and I know that I will have regret for eternity. I hear you about regretting it, but it also seems that you gained invaluable personal awareness and deeper compassion *because of* your prior 'poor' decisions -- maybe there is some room for self-forgiveness, from that angle? We all say "happy holidays" to salesclerks, bus drivers, etc. - I can't imagine anything more neutral and less personal. If anyone is going to over-think that or turn it into "s/he wants to get back together" it's really on them, not you. Best wishes for a "Happy Holiday"
Author IamASelfishSOB Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 Smartgirl, Thanks for your rambling. You're right, I really don't want to hash out my issues in this forum again. I will just boil it down to the fact that I need to enjoy her for what she is and seek what's missing elsewhere, excluding developing romantic relationships with other women. She's not bitchy, evil, or emotionless. She just doesn't view the world in the same way that I do and it makes our relationship stale and well, just plain dull most of the time. It's not that I can't bring her along on the journey that I want to take. She will go, but I would much prefer to be able to really share it with the most significant person in my life. I'm not even saying that we have to be entirely like-minded, but open-minded and insightful to what the other is thinking and experiencing. After 15 years of marriage, I know my wife, what she enjoys and what she doesn't. You can't force a person to enjoy something that they don't enjoy or perceive something they just don't understand the way you do. These are things that cannot be changed and I am sure of it. So, I have to just accept that my marriage is going to be missing that element. It has been and still is a hard thing for me to do, but I think I'm making progress.
Author IamASelfishSOB Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 I hear you about regretting it, but it also seems that you gained invaluable personal awareness and deeper compassion *because of* your prior 'poor' decisions -- maybe there is some room for self-forgiveness, from that angle? We all say "happy holidays" to salesclerks, bus drivers, etc. - I can't imagine anything more neutral and less personal. If anyone is going to over-think that or turn it into "s/he wants to get back together" it's really on them, not you. Best wishes for a "Happy Holiday" Are you coming on to me? But seriously. Thanks for your thoughts.
smartgirl Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 SOB, I am glad that you're still keeping your hands off this OW, but at the same time, you didn't give us the success story you promised. Have you tried everything to bring out the side of your W you want? Whatever the answer is, I think you do love her and you're doing fine so far. Don't say "happy holidays" to the OW again. Keep it neutral and don't try to be "nice." Smartgirl, are you still with your husband even after his PA? What led to his A? I don't want to threadjack, so I'll try to keep my answer as short as possible. Yes, we are still together because from the moment I confronted him with my suspicion he came clean and over the next 7 months eventually told me everything I wanted to know. He has worked his butt off trying to make amends and cut things off with OW to the extent he could since they work together. Why did he have the A? A perfect storm of never having been with another woman (which always bothered him), feeling old (big birthday coming up), low self esteem, me neglecting him in ways and a very aggressive, very attractive younger woman who pursued him. He thought this was his only chance to know what it was like with someone else and he thought it would end relatively quickly. He was very naive and he knows that now.
smartgirl Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Smartgirl, Thanks for your rambling. You're right, I really don't want to hash out my issues in this forum again. I will just boil it down to the fact that I need to enjoy her for what she is and seek what's missing elsewhere, excluding developing romantic relationships with other women. She's not bitchy, evil, or emotionless. She just doesn't view the world in the same way that I do and it makes our relationship stale and well, just plain dull most of the time. It's not that I can't bring her along on the journey that I want to take. She will go, but I would much prefer to be able to really share it with the most significant person in my life. I'm not even saying that we have to be entirely like-minded, but open-minded and insightful to what the other is thinking and experiencing. After 15 years of marriage, I know my wife, what she enjoys and what she doesn't. You can't force a person to enjoy something that they don't enjoy or perceive something they just don't understand the way you do. These are things that cannot be changed and I am sure of it. So, I have to just accept that my marriage is going to be missing that element. It has been and still is a hard thing for me to do, but I think I'm making progress. I've gone over 30 years dealing with the thing that is missing with my H. It does affect our relationship, because I begin to feel unappreciated and undesirable, even though he doesn't really feel that way towards me. It is hard to tolerate these things in our spouse. It does leave a hole. I guess the only thing that mitigates it is that usually you don't feel it so accutely all the time. I am so sorry that you are feeling your problem so accutely at the moment. It is clearly made worse by the A and the continued presence of OW. For myself, I would greatly appreciate any insights you might gain about how to deal with your situation as the months go by. I know how hard this is and you can always come here to vent.
bish Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 I have kind of come to the conclusion that my marriage will never really be the relationship that I truly desire. No marriage is going to be what you desire. It will in the beginning, but sooner or later a little boredom will set in...things will become routine...some spark can be maintained with work....but in the end...some people just can't handle being with the same old same old person for a long haul.
Author IamASelfishSOB Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 SOB, any positive updates? Things are going pretty well, really. I've pretty much taken the approach that I need to take the initiative to make myself happy and not place that responsibility on my wife. That, of course, does not include intimate relationships with other women. Thanks for asking.
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