hurtagain Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Hello! I am a newbie and in DESPERATE need of advice. I've been with this guy Chris for 5 yrs. I am 31, he is 39. He was with somebody before me for 13 yrs. and their relationship was rocky. He ended up leaving her for me. I know that this girl Chris used to be with still talks to Chris's father from time to time. Because of that, his father and I never got along and he could never accept me. Chris and his father don't really have a great relationship either and do not really see eachother. The other night I was over Chris's house and I thought it was strange when he told me that the following day he was going to go visit his father. I asked him why and he said that there was a few things that he needed to get off his chest and had to talk to him. The next day when I got to work, I went online and broke into Chris's phone account and looked at his phone record. I found a strange number so I called it. It was a company....but something told me to ask for this girl. My response? She wasn't working that day and call back tomorrow! My stomach has been sick ever since then. On Chris's phone bill, he called her on 11/18 for 6 minutes and on 11/28 for 15 minutes. When I confronted him and told him what I did and asked why he called her, he totally flipped on me! He told me that his father gave her his phone number and she left a message on his phone telling him that her mother is dying. BUT he said it wasn't her that he talked to at that number and that it was her brother that he talked to. Supposively her and her brother work at the same company. If he really did talk to this girl, I am okay with it because I know nothing is going on because she doesn't even live in the state we live in so it's not like he is cheating. Deep down I know it wasn't her brother he was talking to but my thing is, why couldn't he be upfront about it from the beginning and tell me that she called to tell him that her mother is dying? And did I really invade his privacy by looking at his phone records? I really need some advice so atleast I can sleep tonight. Hurtagain
norajane Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Your bf isn't being honest with you, regardless of whether he talked to her or her brother. He should have mentioned to you that his ex had called him, and that he called back EVEN IF he only spoke to her brother, if that's true. WHY would his ex need to talk to him even if her mother was dying? That relationship has been over for a long time, he is not a part of her life, so what was the point of her getting in contact with him? Your bf is using a classic diversion tactic by getting mad that you checked his phone records, instead of dealing with the issue that he didn't tell you his ex contacted him and that he called her back. Even if he only ended up talking to her brother, he still intended to talk with her when he called. I wouldn't freak out about this too much, as my guess is he hid this from you because he knew he shouldn't be in contact with her and didn't want to upset you by telling you about it (guys do that kind of lying all the time so they can avoid conflict). But be clear with him about your expectations in terms of wanting to know if he is in contact with her for whatever reason so he can't claim that he didn't know he wasn't supposed to talk to her behind your back.
Author hurtagain Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 Hi Norajane! Thanks for your response. I also posted this under the Jealousy forum and other members told me that I invaded his privacy. I do agree with what you are saying though....he should have told me and not have been so sneaky about it. This is what I posted yesterday under the Jealousy forum: Just wanted to update...... Chris and I talked lastnight. I apologized to him and told him that I was sorry for invading his privacy. He did tell me that it was his ex's brother that he was talking to on the phone and, yes, she did jump on the phone too and they did talk. She pleaded with him if she could see him and he told me that he told her no because it would cause too many complications between him and I. I told him that I appreciate his honesty and from this day forward to please be upfront with me. He then asked me where my insecurities come from and I told him that I think it stems from the summer time when that girl called his phone and he said that he was sitting with his sister in law. He told me that he never said that to her and I just ended the conversation then and there because it would have escalated into another argument.......(but I know what I heard). BTW Florida, the girl ended up fading out of the picture as far as I know..... He also asked me if I would be willing to go with him to his ex's father's house so he can go see him before he does die. I told him that I would go with him. Just give me the day and time and I would be more than happy to go. I don't know if I will ever get over that phone call in the summer time. I think with that always being in the back of my mind that know I am overly suspicious. I will never find out if he referred to me as his sister in law but I know what I heard, I am not deaf, but I'm going to have to try to let that incident go..... Thanks for listening and giving me guidance to see that I really did invade Chris's privacy. I needed to talk to people who don't know me or Chris to really see if I was wrong or not and, again, thank you for making me see that I was wrong. Hurtagain Again, thanks for your input Norajane. If you have anymore input I would really like to hear it!!! Hurtagain
norajane Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 BUT he said it wasn't her that he talked to at that number and that it was her brother that he talked to. He did tell me that it was his ex's brother that he was talking to on the phone and, yes, she did jump on the phone too and they did talk. She pleaded with him if she could see him And did he apologize for flat out lying to your face the first time about not talking with her?
Author hurtagain Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 No, I didn't get an apology. I asked him why he just couldn't be up front and tell me from the beginning and he said that he knew I would have flipped out so to avoid a confrontation he didn't tell me.
OWoman Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 If he really did talk to this girl, I am okay with it If you were, why did you feel the need to snoop? Why didn't you just talk to him rationally? why couldn't he be upfront about it from the beginning and tell me that she called to tell him that her mother is dying? he probably sensed how threatened you felt by it And did I really invade his privacy by looking at his phone records? you're even asking?? That's totally unforgivable in my book! I think there are serious trust issues in your R and I question whether you should be together.
Frances Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 I am confused about who is dying. Is it her mother or father?
Author hurtagain Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 I would be okay with it if he was UPFRONT about it. I am NOT okay with it when it is done behind my back. Now that the truth is out, I don't have a problem with it. And it is her mother who is dying. Hurtagain BTW - I know I referred to the father dying in other posts but it is the mother. Sorry for the confusion.
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