Been Dumped : NEED INSIGHT : thanks

[robart22]

Hello All,

 

My Ex and I had been dating for 4 months and have been broken up for 2 weeks now... Here's the brief story... Please share your opinions, as I CAN NOT seem to come to a conclusion that resonates well with me.

 

In the beginning, we were very casual in starting our relationship. During our first "date" she suggested that we get together during the next 3 weekends to hike, lunch, etc. We did and on the 3rd "date" we had sex. It was during this 3rd "date" that she told me that she loved me (i did not return the sentiment) and that she wanted to be exclusive. She shared with me that she would inform her other dates that she was involved with someone new. However, it wasn't for another 2 weeks that she did inform her other dates that she had a boyfriend. That was a little odd to me, but i was mostly OK with it and never brought it up.

 

After the 4th week, I began spending time during the week with her. She made a key for me at her apartment and said to come by anytime I wanted to. It never really felt right to "just stop by", so I just accepted the key as a nice gesture...

 

My life was full before we began dating. I had openly shared with her that my day was busy. I have my own successful business and exercise 4 days a week. On the weekends I enjoy surfing, hiking, etc. What this means is that I’m up at 5:30a each morning and in bed by 10:00p each night. When she and I began spending more time together, the schedule became a strain on me. She is a "go to bed at 12:00a and get up at 9:30a" type of individual. She has a full-time job in outside sales and has a flexible schedule. While she is successful in her work, she admittedly does not put much effort into it. She works only 3-4 days a week. And “skips” the other days. While together, she quickly became very insensitive to the needs of my schedule. In time, she would go as far as to say that "I was not allowing for fun" and "I'm acting like an old person at 30" because I would go to bed and was disciplined to get up early.

 

Where I failed myself, over time, I allowed my schedule to become affected by her. I had begun “liking” her more and began staying up later and getting up later, thus losing the ability to have time for myself and exercise in the mornings. When I would attempt to talk to her about this strain, she would sometimes say that she supported me 100% and respects my schedule. However, shortly there after she would remind me that it was an issue... Her actions were consistently in opposition to her words.

 

During the time spent with her, I had learned that while I was scheduled to be on a personal trip, she had planned to spend time with a "friend" of hers. She came forward and told me, when confronted, that this was a man that she used to work with. She stated that she used to like him, but he had a girlfriend. Now he was single and wanted to spend time with her. She stated that she was curious if she still liked him... Because of this... I asked her to take time and discover what it is that she wants. She took one day and came to me and stated that it was I. She also pleaded to "please give her another chance."

 

We live in Los Angeles and I met her at an exclusive restaurant in one of the affluent areas of the city. In time, I learned that her past relationships were with men that were 10-15 years older, wealthy and drove new Porsche, Mercedes, etc. She and her friends frequented the affluent areas of the city, to meet people in the film business. I assumed, in search of men. She is not wealthy, drives an older car and lives in a run down neighborhood. She also goes "out" often. Many times, there have been late night phone calls that she will not answer around me. One time, while on a trip together, she received a phone call at 12:00a and I confronted her about it. She said it was her girlfriend. I calculated that she was lying and asked again. In short time, she said she lied. It was guy she used to hang out with before me. She said she lied to not cause us trouble...

 

Over time, I became more uncomfortable. I began pulling away from friends and more into myself. I was not sleeping well, not exercising and becoming “needy” through my growing insecurity. My work was suffering and I was becoming somewhat resentful. This internal feeling of mine was obviously beginning to surface. What I noticed was that she was spending more time away from us, more time with friends and more “secret” text messaging. She would step away often to send messages. While I worked hard to believe that she was committed to us, my growing insecurity was allowing me to begin questioning her. She eventually began “test-driving” the breakup. We would get back together and the break up again.

 

Ultimately, she broke up. I knew I was losing her and I had begun to panic. I quickly ignored all there was wrong and pleaded for her to stay.

 

I’ve only contacted her once, 5 days after the break. This was so I could exchange our items and of course, plead one more time… We talked, she seemed over it, but not willing to say it was completely over. Her reasons… “I did not appreciate her.” “ I did not value her efforts to meet people and become a film maker.” “I was not capable of having a healthy relationship.” “ I was not normal.” She said that she was hopeful that we would get back together. Stated that she loved me still and would contact me in 3 weeks. She also said to move on with my life and that she was not seeing anyone else, nor was she going to.

 

While together, we talked of children, future, life, etc… I took it hard that I was fully to blame. She said that it was my fault and she may have little blame. I’m beginning to come around.

 

I’m heartbroken. Not devastated. I’m lightly dating. I’m back on my schedule. I’m reading and further educating myself about relationships and myself. I’m learning more about jealousy. Re-engaging with friends. Having difficulty re-engaging into work, but getting there.

 

My questions, as stupid as they may sound, are as follows… Should I try for her again? Should I share my life with her? From your experience, will she even consider us again?

 

Thank you for your insights.

[Ronni_W]

Her reasons… “I did not appreciate her.” “ I did not value her efforts to meet people and become a film maker.” “I was not capable of having a healthy relationship.” “ I was not normal.”

My questions… Should I try for her again? Should I share my life with her?

It really comes down to what you think you deserve, how you want your life to look, and if this person can and does positively contribute to your vision.

So only try for her again IF if you want to be the one who is always at fault and "not normal" in your love relationship!

[sedgwick]

She doesn't sound worth it, quite honestly. Can't you find someone who really supports you and can appreciate your schedule? She seems self-centered and shallow from what you describe.

[brothermartin]

To answer your Q's: NO, NO, and NO.

 

Why?: Speaking from personal experience, self -absorbed, two-faced, hypocritical people like that are only going to make your life worse.

 

She sounds like that person that gose through life believing that the world owes her more than she actually earns, and that anything or anyone that dose not comply to "what she deserves" is the enymy or a "waste of her time."

 

Do yourself a favor, get your man-card back and you'll get what I'm sayin'.

[getonwithlife]

agreed. This girl is touched in the head if she asks for time to see if she still likes an old boyfriend. Leave her to her miserable life. There ARE other women out there worth caring for - right now she does not seem to be one of them.

[robart22]

Thank you all for your helpful replies. Here's a long update... Hope it's a situation you will feel compelled to comment on.

 

As mentioned previously, she stated she would contact me in 3 weeks. Well 6 weeks passed with NC between us. On the 6th week of NC, Jan. 11, 1:00a, Friday, I'm out on the 2nd date with a monumentally gorgeous woman and run into the ex in question. My date had me escort her to the ladies room and while in route, the ex, ex's female friend and a male walk toward us. I'm now within 3 feet of this woman whom my heart went out to. The ex and I lock eyes as my date and I walk past. Upon landing my date at the ladies room, i head back toward our seat. While on the return path, i walk pass my ex and company. We amazingly lock eyes again, so intense and pure. Our heads contort behind us, as our eyes stay locked during passing. Eventually, it's too much. Our heads naturally correct themselves and the moment of connection has again passed. No words were exchanged.

 

That evening, Jan. 12, 9:00p, Saturday. My phone rings with a familiar number; it's the ex! 1 ring, 2 rings, 3 rings... Of course, I then answer it. I act surprised, dumbfounded and slightly confused... "Hi, this is _____" she says "_____ this is _____." I say "whooooaaaaa, ______, whoa! How are you?" She chuckles and then begins the conversation with an explanation. "I've been out of the country with my family for (2 weeks) because my father is very ill. I know i said i would call in 3 weeks, but had to be there with my father." I sincerely shared my condolences and listened for another 35 minutes, as a friend and as a silent hopeful.

 

––– OK, time-out: point 1, she said she would call in 3 weeks. Well, 3 weeks would have been Dec. 24., it's Jan. 12. That's 6 weeks with NC... What? no phones in that progressive country? Apparently, when her mother contacted her daughter, the ex, with the news of her father’s illness, she used telegram of carrier pigeon. Even so, how cool would it have been to get a message that your ex missed you from a carrier pigeon? Back to the call…––––

 

During the 35-minute call she said these things several times: “I missed you.” (3 times), “I thought about you everyday.” (3 times), “I brought all of these things back from my country for you.” (4 times), “I brought you pictures and video of the country side where I grew up, I can’t wait to take you there. I know you would love it!” (2 times). During the catch up talk, told her I purchased a new motorcycle… she relied “Great! You can take me for a ride.” (2 times) and “We should get together one day next week.” And the real kickers! “I didn’t have the heart to tell my family we are not together anymore.” She said, “They kept asking where you were and told me not to come back home without you.” Also, “My father shared with me how much he likes you and how happy he is that I’ve met you.” And this, “My mother told me again that I’ve already done everything in life that I’ve wanted to and it’s time that I grow up and settle down.” BTW, she’s 34.

 

During the call, I somehow miraculously manage to avoid responding to any of her “reaching” statements. Hence the likely reason she repeated them… She went on and on about how she took 2 weeks off work without notice and was afraid that her boss wouldn’t be understanding. In addition, nothing at all came up about seeing each other just 20 hours earlier. Neither one of us mentioned it. We ended the call with me alluding to the wonderful support her friends will offer her during this hard family time. She closed with, “We’ll talk soon and get together some time next week.” I respond with, “OK.”

 

It’s silent for 3 days, until Tuesday. I cave hard and text her, once. She replies, once. We’re silent for the rest of the day. That night, I can’t sleep. Up all night and ponder this already overly analyzed situation with her.

 

Jan. 16, 5:00am, Wednesday morning. I send her a very brief 2-line email saying goodbye. I’m convinced that I’ve made the right decision. 7 hours later, I’m on the street corner out in front of my office. I’m hailing a Taxi for a few clients that flew in for the day. I’m focusing on the taxi’s with their light on and attempting to draw them over. The cars are backing up at the streetlight at this corner. At my waist level was the window of a black car. A car that, by all normalcy, would not be there in this lane. This lane is a Bus Only lane and this car was stuck here, waiting out the Red traffic light.

 

Feeling a bit awkward that my crotch is now just 1 foot away from the strange passengers face, I back away from the curb. Unassumingly, I take a quick glance at this passenger. My heart begins beating fast, my stomach feels sick. It’s my ex! And she’s in the car with the same male from the lounge, the past Friday night. The male was playing with his phone. She was hiding her face, she was turned toward the driver and partially covered in her long thick hair. While sitting there, she began to shout at him and her head was moving around, releasing her cover up. At this time, I walked to the front passenger edge of the car, just enough to see her profile, beautiful caramel skin and had confirmed it was in fact her. I knew it was her, I could feel it internally even without seeing her face. I’m not sure the ostrich saw much of me after the initial “Oh, ****, that’s _____.”

 

The light changes, they sped off. 1 hour passes and I text her with an urgency that she call me. She does within 15 minutes. I play super dumb as to being certain that it was her that I saw. And ask if she is OK. She says, “Yes, why?” I say, “Oh, good! I just saw this woman in car by my office and she was arguing with her boyfriend. And I was very concerned for you.” She says, “Oh, that wasn’t me. I’m just leaving work.” I say, “Ok, good. Because when they were arguing he reached over and pushed her.” She says, “He pushed her?! Well, I glad that I wasn’t in that car!” I did not push it at this point.

 

Then, I ask her what is going on with us? She said I got your “goodbye” email this morning and I replied back. I explained that I did not get it due to the fact that I had blocked her email when we split. She shared with me its contents. She said that we should not say goodbye now because we have such a strong connection. We should meet at our favorite little restaurant on Sunday afternoon for brunch. And we’ll take it from there. She shared that she is interested in us and wants to “take it really slow.” She also said that taking it slow would help to build trust between us. I agree and we ended the call with plans on meeting.

 

Next day, I dial her and come clean with all. I share with her that I do not believe her intentions are genuine. I tell her that I saw her at the lounge last Friday and suggested that she was only contacting me because it stung to see me with another woman. She denied this! And she denied seeing me there! In fact, she said that she was driving back from the airport when she called me that last Saturday evening. I then shared with her that I knew it was her in the car on Wednesday. Again, she denied this! I asked her why she hadn’t contacted me in Dec when she had stated she would have. She said I was out of the country and couldn’t. I shared that logistically she was well in the timeframe of 4 weeks before she left the country for those 2 weeks. I stated that Dec. 24 was the date that concluded 3 weeks. She stated clearly that she was out of the country even before Dec 24 and spent Christmas with her family… I inquired that this timeframe was over 2 weeks. She the said, oh, I was there for 3 weeks. I reminded her that she before said 2 weeks. She frustratingly stated, “Well, it was more than 2 weeks!”

 

––– OK: point 2, Just for the record… Dec. 24 to Jan. 12 is 20 days. That’s not 2 weeks; more like 3 weeks. How can anyone, in this day, take off work without notice, book a flight, leave the country, leave your apartment, your life. Without knowing for certain how long you were gone? –––

 

We end the call shortly after. I don’t push it. I have learned from too many previous interactions with her that involve me confronting her, even with evidence. She’ll deny and deny to the point where she gets upset and begins turning on me and stating that “you’re crazy” or “there’s something wrong with you!”. Good, gosh. That was not the life I desired to lead. With her, that’s pretty much how it was.

 

It was silent again, until Friday morning. Jan. 18, 9:00a, Friday morning, I text her to call me. She does within 5 mins. I confirm that she was somewhere that she could talk, she was. I thank her for returning my call. I keep it concise, non-judgmental and quick. I ask her to please not call, text, mail, etc. I ask it this is clear. She says very lightly, “sure.” I express that It’s over between us and I do not want to see her again. She says, “why have you changed you mind since yesterday?” I tell her that I’m hanging up now and say goodbye. I hear her start to say “there is something wrong with…” I don’t let her finish and I disconnect the call. She rings me back 5 minutes later and I do not answer.

 

Ok, that was long, but needed. It’s been silent for 7 days.

 

Can you, in your entire life, ever believe the next questions I’m going to ask insight on? Embarrassingly, but seriously;

 

1. Should I consider meeting with her, feeling out the situation and taking it slow?

 

2. I understand that “conditional liars” lie sometimes because of the reaction that they fear receiving from others. Can it be that I was not aware enough to provide her with a safe and overly calm reaction in the past?

 

3. There’s no doubt in my mind that she is a great woman. I just feel that she is insecure and confused. Without being a fixer or a helper, is there any way to have a relationship with someone like this?

[quankanne]

1. Should I consider meeting with her, feeling out the situation and taking it slow? no

 

2. I understand that “conditional liars” lie sometimes because of the reaction that they fear receiving from others. Can it be that I was not aware enough to provide her with a safe and overly calm reaction in the past? nope

 

3. There’s no doubt in my mind that she is a great woman. I just feel that she is insecure and confused. Without being a fixer or a helper, is there any way to have a relationship with someone like this? not only no, but HELL NO!

 

I sense that you are a truly decent guy, and a giving one at that, but dude, she's playing you. And in your goodness, you're failing to see that. This woman sounds like the kind of person who takes without hesitation, and who has no problems using others until she doesn't "need" them anymore.

 

no self-respecting woman is going to treat the other person in a relationship as crappily as she has done you, and I think she senses that she can reel you in any time she wants by appearing concerned or confused about things … and you're blinded by your innate sense of goodness. Pretty much, this chick sounds like an emotional vampire and you need to stay the hell away from her or she'll suck the lifeblood out of you.

 

do yourself a favor and practice some tough love, and cut her out of your life for good. Otherwise you're gonna get seriously messed up, and for what?

[CalamitousJane]

Your edge-of-the seat writing style seems to indicate that you are a drama afficianado. If you stick with her, you'll never have a dull, ordinary moment again. Therefore, she's perfect for you! I say stick with it.

 

As an aside, I once dated a "conditional liar" who confided to me with great sincerity that his cheating and lying was a result of the insecurity he felt due to my pathological mistrustfulness. I spent every night tossing and turning, trying to figure out how to prove I trusted him in order to make him stop lying. Never a dull moment, I tell you. It was great.

[CalamitousJane]

Hey, sorry about the crankiness. I'm a little impatient and judgemental because I'm in the process of freeing myself from a totally different kind of messed up relationship.

 

Being lied to is serious torture, and from what I've seen, dishonesty is a hard habit to break. I used to have a high forgiveness factor for lying because my mom used to fib and I remember feeling protective of her when she did. In retrospect, I think I could see through to the insecurity and sadness that was underneath it. After two failed marriages and several decades of therapy my mom is much better at sticking to the facts than she used to be, and I'm very proud of her. She persevered in getting to the bottom of her neuroses. I think she is exceptional. She didn't start REALLY working on herself until her second marriage went south.

 

Setting the liar loose was much easier once I understood why I kept forgiving him.

 

A question for you - assuming this woman is actually motivated and capable of change, do you want to go through decades of hell while you wait for it to happen?

[NSU]

Wow, I think I dated her. Just kidding. you gotta let this girl go man. I dated someone exactly liker her. We got together quick and she had a lot of male friends, A LOT. Anyways, she was one of those girls that liked older guys, which I was to her. She liked nice things and the funny thing was after we broke up she only found interest in me when I was dating someone. Just let her go and move on.

 

[robart22]

Appreciate the replies, Thank you.

 

Yeah, she's a real treat ; ). I've encountered two women like this, so far; both in the year 2007 ~ that's enough. It's one of the most complicated experiences I've had. You look into the eyes of someone that you're open and honest with, someone you trust and have opened your heart to and by default (nativity) you assume those eyes are looking back into yours the same. I've experienced her dishonesty to the point where I've nearly questioned myself on what I've seen with my own eyes. Not a good recipe for clarity. Not a good recipe for sanity.

 

Moral of this experience for me is... when one leaves from a partnership, whether by choice or not; it's time to evaluate your life and get on your own course for your own reasons. in time, i'm becoming more convinced that it's NOT a good idea to peruse a failed relationship. the partnership has failed for valid reason(s); although not always clear at first. Those reasons, I believe, were there before the partnership began.

 

Here are my top two reasons:

 

1. you've initially projected an unhealthy image of yourself and have attracted those who know to "want" and "how to take" or "expect"; whether it be emotional, financial, spiritual. (i.e. you get back what you give out).

 

2. follow your instincts, listen to your voice in your gut. Whether you are right or proven wrong, you are right by you. Your instinct is the voice that makes up you. It's the voice of all your experiences of past, present and future. (i.e. if it doesn't jive, let it be heard).

 

The above are my tasks for 2008...