Will this ever work?

[goodguy]

I went on vacation with some friends to Phoenix, AZ this past October and wound up meeting a great girl while I was out there who lives there. She is 27, I am 30 (I live in South Florida). We met a bar one night and really hit it off. The next day she met my friends and I for lunch and then later that night we all hung out again and had a blast. I have met girls before on trips and never really thought of having relationships with them, but always stayed in contact and if either person was in each other's city we could meet up. So that's what I figured the situation would be when I left town the next day. On my way home, I got a text from her saying she has never met anyone like me before, that I give her hope that there are great guys out there. I told her that I thought she was great too, and I would like to keep in contact. She then texted me saying as far as she was concerned, she was "taken" if any guys would approach her in the future. This kind of shocked me, but I really liked her, and it was refreshing to me that she was open enough to express exactly how she feels which is how I am. We talked 2-3 hours a night for the next couple of nights and really hit it off more. Our beliefs and ideals were very similar and we had a lot in common. Later that week she called me and asked if it would be alright for her to come visit me in couple of weeks because she would be starting a new job in 3 weeks and wouldn't have any vacation for a while. I agreed and we were really excited about the trip. We talked and texted every day until she visited, and when she visited we had a really good time. She absolutely loved the beach. We were intimate the first night she was in town, even though we tried not to, we just couldn't help it. It turned out we are very compatible in that way as well. On her second to last night in town, we went out with all of my friends, and I thought we had a good time until she got back to my house and started crying, saying that she could never move to Florida. She also said that when I am with her alone I act like a totally different person than when we are on the phone or even when we are out in a social setting. She said that when we are out in a social setting or we are talking on the phone, she sees me as this confident man, but when we are alone she sees me as a shy, quiet boy. This kind of hurt, as I pride myself on being myself at all times and I have never heard this before. The next day we talked some more and she said she wanted to take things slow and not be exclusive. She just wanted to date and get to know each other. I agreed and felt ok with that. The day she left, we definitely missed each other. When she got home I got a text saying she didn't know how she could have said she couldn't live in Florida. She said the beach beats the desert and mountains any day. That night we talked and she said she missed me so much that she couldn't wait until New Year's to see me (We had already planned our next trip for me to go out there for New Years). So that night I booked a trip to Phoenix for this past weekend. Later that week she posted a bunch of pictures of us on her MySpace page, set her status to "In a Relationship", and made her main profile pic a picture of her and I. I can't lie, in the back of my mind I was wondering what happened to all of the take it slow/dating/not exclusive talk. I never brought it up because I didn't want to ruin anything. During the three weeks before my next trip, we talked about everything, and had amazing phone conversations. I just thought she was the sweetest person and I liked to compliment her on all of her endearing qualities and she embraced the compliments, as I did to all of her compliments about me. She eventually began telling me that she thought I was "The One", she definitely saw us ending up together, and she just has no desire to talk to other guys. She also asked me on multiple occassions if I would marry her, in a joking way of course. I sent her flowers at work for Thanksgiving and she told all of her friends and co-workers about the man of her dreams. I did think a lot of this was sudden, but I took it all as compliments and I really did start feeling the same things about her. I mean, it seems like every girl I have ever dated was all about playing games and not being real, and here was this girl that had all of the qualities I was looking for, plus she was telling me all of these great things. About a week before my trip, she cried our whole conversation on the phone, saying it was getting so hard for her to go to sleep without me there by her side. She had been in a long distance relationship before that was really hard on her and she told me that she likes me 100 times more than this guy, so she was just dreading having to go through it again. We talked about it, like we talk about everything, we always are able to share our feelings which is great, and she felt a lot better the next day. We also booked trips for mid-January for her to meet my family and early February for me to meet her family.

 

The day I was flying out to visit her, last Thursday, I was so excited I was felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. She was at a happy hour with some friends who she was telling all about me and then she was going to come pick me up at the airport. I talked to her on the phone before during my connection and she told me she was feeling tired. I was getting in late, so I told her we can go right home and go to bed (she had to work the next day). She said that she wanted to go home but really wanted to cuddle with me and be next to me. I walked out into the airport, and she was messing around hiding before I finally saw her. I must have hugged her for 5 minutes I was so happy to see her, I was even shaking I was so excited. We got my luggage and she drove me back to her house and she was answering all of my questions about Arizona along the way. When it was time for bed, she came to bed in a really sexy nightgown and we started kissing and I was really into it after being away from her for so long. After about a minute she said she was just really tired, she had work in the morning, and we should go to bed. I was fine with that, as we cuddled a little bit before going to sleep. The next morning, she got up to get ready for work, gave me a kiss and then told me she would pick me up for lunch at noon. On the way to lunch, seemingly out of the blue, she tells me that she thinks we need to really slow things down. So I was a little shocked and hurt, but just agreed. At lunch, she was being very quiet, and I asked her why she thinks we need to slow things down. She said she got intimate with me way too soon, she never does that with someone she just met. I had no objections to that, all that stuff can wait, I really just liked her and liked being with her. Then she brought up again that I was acting different in person. That really threw me for a loop, as our only interaction was the night before for 2 hours after I got off the plane. What the heck could I have done in that short a time? We kept talking and she said we should just date (basically the same things she said in Florida) and that we shouldn't hold hands and stuff like that because she wouldn't do that with someone she just met. So I went from someone who she was going to marry and start a family with, to someone she didn't even want to hold their hand, all in a matter of 12 hours! I was pissed, so I changed my flight home to the next day. She said she was sorry and hoped we could still be friends, but she needed somebody she could be with every day. We decided to enjoy that night (we were going to a hockey with some of her friends) and I would leave the next day. That night we had a blast (but no physical contact). When we got back to her place I went to bed in the guest room and she went in her room. The next morning I was packing my things and she came in begging me to stay. She said she was sorry for yesterday, she would pay for the change in flight, and that there was still fun to be had. I agreed, and that night we went to a cocktail party with her friends that we originally were going to go to. At dinner with her friends, she started flirting with me and rubbing my leg and then later on in the evening we were hugging and kissing and just had another great time out. When we got back to her place I was exhausted, so I went right to bed in the guest room. She came in and woke me up, telling me she wanted me to sleep in her bed with her. I agreed, but when I went in there we started kissing, but since I was just really confused with the whole situation, I told her I thought it would be best to go back to the guest room, which I did. The next morning she said she was really sad that I wasn't in the bed next to her when she woke up. My last day there we did some hiking and throughout the day she would kiss me and hold my hand which I liked. We watched TV and relaxed that night and she told me she really wanted me to spend the night in her bed. So I did. Before going to sleep we had another talk and she really got emotional and told me that she thinks we should just date and not be exclusive and that she doesn't want to prevent either of us from meeting somebody amazing that lives close by. She also said there wouldn't be anymore of the sappy text messages she always used to send me and "that not telling each other everything, leaves a little mystery". The next morning (Monday) she took me to the airport, she sad she was really sad, and we hugged and kissed and said goodbye.

 

We still have this New Years trip planned in 2 weeks. Before I left she asked what I wanted to do for New Years when I was out there. The pictures of her and me on her myspace have been taken down and her status has been set to "Single". I sent her a text last night asking her how her day was and told her I missed her. She responded just saying she had a good day. So after all of this writing (sorry I wrote so much), what should I do? Should I not contact her for a few days, kind of let things settle down? Should I give up on this relationship? I wouldn't have minded taking things slow from the very beginning, but I let her dictate the pace, and it has been all over the place! It might be hard to take things slow at this point after the way things were. But, do you think she is even interested anymore? Will this ever work?

[ElvenPriestess]

Ok, when I first started reading this I thought "she's scared, unsure." But after getting to the end, I feel different. If you go back and read what you wrote what do you see? She has done NOTHING but play games with you. Toy with you, and make it YOUR fault for being "different" around her alone then other people. Yes! You WILL be different a bit. Everyone is! But this mixed signal, and I mean playing with your heart too, stuff, is just f***ed up. I'm just being blunt here. As an outsider, I will tell you that she has NO idea what she wants. And the "so we might meet someone amazing close by" crap, is a slap on the face. You have let her go back and forth on you too much. You know what? YOU need to call the shots, I think you should tell her you're sick of her back and forth games. And how old is she? This "In a relationship" to "single" myspace status is very highschool. Look, you sound like a great guy, and she's a puppeteer pulling strings. You either gotta put your foot down or let it go. Either way, tell her so. No more dangling the heart you know what I mean?

[shpantz]

Dude...this chick sounds psycho..seriously. This, coming from another girl...she is CRAZYYYYYYYYYY. I would run if i were you. She sounds a little bi-polar.

Seriously though...what I DID notice, is that she seems to have the "take it slower" talk after you guys have sex. Maybe she feels that its too soon to sleep with you, but she wants to keep you around, so she does it for you...even though shes not ready. THEN it freaks her out and so she retreats back 3 steps...just a thought.

[goodguy]

ElvenPriestess,

 

Thanks for your reply. I was telling myself it would be nice if it would be possible to have an outsider look at this situation and let me know what they think. I think this forum is the closest way to do that. I will definitely take your advice to heart, I think she has dictated this relationship way too much already and I need to put my foot down.

[sb129]

I think she is playing games with you too. There was another thread on here a few days ago about a guy who drove for a day and a half to see this girl, and she totally went mental on him. She was much more of a b*tch to him than this Arizona girl is being to you, and he STILL thought he had done something wrong and there may be a chance for them.

 

Dude, its a tough one, because to see eachother requires effort and expense from at least one of you, is it really worth it only for her to blow so hot and cold?

 

LDRs are hard when you are both committed to them, they are ****E if one of you isn't sure.

[ElvenPriestess]

ElvenPriestess,

 

Thanks for your reply. I was telling myself it would be nice if it would be possible to have an outsider look at this situation and let me know what they think. I think this forum is the closest way to do that. I will definitely take your advice to heart, I think she has dictated this relationship way too much already and I need to put my foot down.

 

Many kudos sweetheart, you are absolutely right! So proud you see that. You HAVE to let me know how things turn out ok?

[goodguy]

shpantz,

 

The funny thing is, when I changed my flight to leave the next day, she told me I was being too extreme. She said she needs someone stable. LOL! She also got super bitchy and insulted when I told her I thought she was the one who was different in person and she was acting like she had two different personalities. These things definitely have me wondering if I should even bother calling her...

[sb129]

She said she needs someone stable. LOL!

 

thats the pot calling the kettle black don't you think?

[ElvenPriestess]

shpantz,

 

The funny thing is, when I changed my flight to leave the next day, she told me I was being too extreme. She said she needs someone stable. LOL! She also got super bitchy and insulted when I told her I thought she was the one who was different in person and she was acting like she had two different personalities. These things definitely have me wondering if I should even bother calling her...

 

Negative, she sounds like a control freak who puts her own problems to someone else. Definately no calling. That gives her what is known as "hand" in this situation. No, she needs some serious help. You may have been slightly different in one situation to another, but she did 180's on you ALL the time.

[goodguy]

I think you hit it right on the head ElvenPriestess. I am now recalling certain situations when times were good, when I would offer up my own opinion on a topic and she would right away tell me to stop arguing with her and I would have to convince her that I wasn't arguing, but just stating my own opinions on the matter. She has owned up to saying she was a real bitch in the past and has worked to become a better person, but I am thinking it is maybe too late in the game for her to really change, and certain aspects of her personality are coming out...

[ElvenPriestess]

She may "think" she's a different person, or changed, or whatever, but from everything I've heard, she's in denial, trying to twist things around again. She's not a b***h, she's just straight self-absorbed. And believe you me, the easiest thing in the world to do is believe her when she says "I've changed." I've given and also received that line. And on both sides, I say no. Be strong. She seems very manipulative. Don't let her manipulate you again ok? I'm a female, I know how they think. Trust me on this one.

[kerious1]

I read this and decided to join this site. =)

 

If it was someone else who wrote this post and you read it... what would your thoughts be on it?

 

What would you tell your best friend, your brother, or even stranger if he were to have wrote this and wanted your opinion? I know that you're asking for others opinions here but we can also get a lot out of reading our own words.

This girl has issues and isn't a good match for any relationship no matter if its 1 block down the street or 1 million miles away.

 

You sound like a good guy... good guy's deserve good girls.

k1

[goodguy]

k1,

 

Thanks for the reply. I took your advice and re-read what I wrote, and it seems pretty obvious she is not right for me. The thing is, I am the type of person who likes to see things through until the end, and right now I feel really confused. Basically, if she wasn't interested at all anymore, why did she fight so hard for me to stay? I was already booked and packing to leave. Maybe she just got caught up in the excitement of a great new relationship and got ahead of herself and then realized this was going to be another hard LDR for her and she kind of freaked out. I don't know. I need finality in relationships, and as of now I have not had any closure. At some point I need to talk to her and I think from that conversation I will definitely be able to tell where this is going. I was thinking of giving her a call this weeked. Is that too soon, too late?

[kerious1]

If you really need closure you can call her. Do you think that anything she says at this point would stand firm or will she change her mind again a few minutes, hours, days later?

[goodguy]

I think that is the million dollar question. Was all her ambivalence due to her moving too fast in her own mind and overthinking things, or is that just the type of person she is? Even if we did to continue to talk and see each other from time to time, is she capable of giving all of herself to the relationship, or does she pull back every time she gets too close? These are things I need to ask myself if I am willing to explore.

 

But I think the first step is an old fashioned phone call. I haven't called her since I got back on Monday and I am very interested if she will even take my call in the first place and if the conversation is going to be weird or awkward. All our conversations in the past have been amazing. But I will never find out anything if I just sit here, I mean, I don't even know if she is still expecting me to go out there for New Year's. I guess it is time for me to stir the pot a little bit and see what shakes out...

[kerious1]

It's definitley not fun wondering about where things stand and all... I wish you all the best. =)))

[ElvenPriestess]

It might be a very wise idea to confront that New Years issue now, because if you do go, she could give you a "wtf are you doing?" attitude. And then again if you DON'T go, she could play a game off that as well saying "I thought we had made plans. Why did you cancel?" My point is, YOU decide what YOU want, and do it. My opinion would be not to go, but whatever you decide, you gotta tell her ahead of time. And if you were to go, ask yourself why? What are you looking to get out of it? Are you not chancing being hurt again? Either way, as I said, it's best not to leave any room for her to use this to manipulate things again. I hope that makes sense.