Did OW/ OM tell you about affair?

[reboot]

stamp, I was just trying to inject a little humor in here. Seriously, find something to laugh about, it will make you feel a little saner while it lasts. It works for me.

[stampdaddy]

stamp, I was just trying to inject a little humor in here. Seriously, find something to laugh about, it will make you feel a little saner while it lasts. It works for me.

 

Thanks buddy..

[NoIDidn't]

I generally am against telling the BW. But in your case, you seem so sincere in your desire to do so without any thought at revenge against him.

 

I say tell her. Warn her that what you are going to say may be totally unexpected and painful. And then tell her about the affair. If its done face to face, tell her upfront if you are willing to answer her questions or the type of questions you will or will not answer. And, tell her that you are willing and ready to accept whatever she feels she needs to say to you or do because you are truly sorry. This may keep her from going off the deep end right away. And, tell her that it is over if you think that it is relevant.

 

I don't think that you need to ask for her forgiveness. A sincere apology is what most BSs want and never get from the OP, whether they are remorseful about their part or not.

[stampdaddy]

Yes, I did want to hear her apology and she did apologize until she found out I had told her BS.

 

DOH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[dreamininginred]

I generally am against telling the BW. But in your case, you seem so sincere in your desire to do so without any thought at revenge against him.

 

I say tell her. Warn her that what you are going to say may be totally unexpected and painful. And then tell her about the affair. If its done face to face, tell her upfront if you are willing to answer her questions or the type of questions you will or will not answer. And, tell her that you are willing and ready to accept whatever she feels she needs to say to you or do because you are truly sorry. This may keep her from going off the deep end right away. And, tell her that it is over if you think that it is relevant.

 

I don't think that you need to ask for her forgiveness. A sincere apology is what most BSs want and never get from the OP, whether they are remorseful about their part or not.

 

Thank you for the advice NoIDidn't.

 

I would be willing to answer any of her questions. But I feel a letter would be better so she doesn't have to have me there seeing her pain when she finds out.

 

I can just put in the letter that it is over, that I am so sorry and I know how wrong it was, that I promise to stay out of her marriage and also to keep it completely confidential. (So that she won't think I'm telling everyone else what I did with her husband). I think it's good advice to put in the letter that I am willing to talk with her if she would like or never mention it again if she would like, and that I will accept whatever she feels the need to say to me.

 

Thanks again.

[BetrayedMM]

In my case, the OM didn't have the balls to admit it, even in the face of overwhelming evidence. He did state his motive for lying though- he doesn't want in on the drama. He is a self proclaimed philanderer, so I guess he's had plenty of drama and has gotten into the habit of cowardice. He is well aware that much better men have been killed for much less... When ya go around screwing married women for a hobby, I suppose you would be expert at weaseling out.

 

I only spoke to the scumbag once(since d-day- I did know him, although we were never friends)- enough to know that he's so full of **** his eyes are brown. I don't need to bother seeking further information from him, as he just doesn't have the integrity necessary to be capable of conveying empirical data under any circumstances. He's probably annoyed that he lost one of his harem.

[marlena]

Dear ________,

I had an affair with your husband. It is over. I am terribly sorry for the pain I have inflicted on you.

Sincerely,

 

 

No and again no! This doesn't ring true.. If you really care about not inflicting anymore pain, then do not send this letter. The only person qualified to tell her is her husband and not another soul on this Earth. Period. Walk away, truly walk away and have nothing to do with either of them. For your own sake as well as theirs.

 

Marlena

[abeliever]

I am going out on a limb here. Some BS would love to get the information from the OW/OM. But for you to seek forgiveness is a lil naive. Will the BS be grateful for the many answers to their questions that cheating W/H wouldn't provide the answers to? Sure, but forgive? Maybe not at that moment, but for some it is possible.

 

I never got mad at the OW's of my H's A's. It wasn't them who fooled me. I put the blame where it belong. I told first 3 OW's whom I talked to all three that I was not mad at them. Just didn't understand why they would date a married man? And one said he loved her, I just laughed (she was 24) and said honey you are not the 1st and you will not be the last OW. That sent her into a rage she thought she was special. Well she wasn't. He broke it off not too long after our talk. She still sends mail as phone numbers have changed. Some OW don't get it is the end, she will figure it out, eventually.

 

So, if it is something you need to move on then sure give her the information and let her ask all the questions so she can move on with her H or without him. But you must be truthful. Never go alone. That way if she gets physical then you can have backup. Meet in a public place also. People tend to behave better in public.

 

Good luck.

Abeliever

[scubafish]

I am still a little confused as to if he is trying to stay in marriage or not.

 

As a BS, I wish the OW would not have told me. My souse had ended it on his own, and had decided to stay and work out things. I knew he was having some issues, and he had wanted some time to figure out life, and I gave it to him. He completely denied it being about 'another woman'.

One week after he came back, lo and behold, this 'other woman' showed up on my doorstep to tell me 'everything'.

I have never felt like killing another person until that moment.

 

it put a big damper into working things out after that. also, it seemed that after it was out in open, and it made it easier for him to get back into 'seeing' her again. I guess he figured since I knew, it was OK for him to continue to try to 'have his cake and eat it too', as the saying goes.

 

I am sure she did it as revenge, but by knowing, I have an amount of anger in my life, I really did not want.

I know the consensus on the forum, is to tell all, but personally, it would have made my life easier not to.

if he had left and never came back, I still think I would have prefereed just to think it was because we 'grew apart', not because he had affair.

[dreamininginred]

I am going out on a limb here. Some BS would love to get the information from the OW/OM. But for you to seek forgiveness is a lil naive. Will the BS be grateful for the many answers to their questions that cheating W/H wouldn't provide the answers to? Sure, but forgive? Maybe not at that moment, but for some it is possible.

 

Thanks Abeliever. I must have said things wrong, I'm not thinking of doing it to seek her forgiveness, and I don't expect her forgiveness. I just want to tell her I'm sorry.

 

I understand why some (thanks for sharing your experience/ perspective, scubafish) have said it would be better for her not to know. I have never been a BS but I think I would *want* to know, whichever way I had to find out. I would like to have all the information about what really went on with my marriage in order to make decisions about it. I know that's just me, but I've also asked this question on the Surviving Infidelity forum and almost all the BS there have agreed. They all say they felt left out in the dark and that it's insulting to not have the knowledge that other people (like MM, OW and sometimes others) have.

 

I have read a lot of threads on here and I really admire you Abeliever, also reboot and bentnotbroken. Thanks for sharing your advice with me. I agree with your views on marriage even though I did not SHOW it when I was with MM... I have learned a lot since then and have really grown.

 

Right now I am going by the fact that most BS have said they would have WANTED to know, I personally would want to know (the whole "do unto others thing", which I certainly did NOT practice when I was OW ), and that those of you whose views I totally agree with have said to tell. Thanks.

[JustBreathe]

OW sort of told me. She thought I was my H on the computer because I signed on w/his log-in. She sent IM messages and I pretended to be him. out who she was and phoned her.

 

She was cold and nasty. She only said I should talk to my H. I said, fine, she, my H, myself and HER H could all sit down and talk then. She said "I don't think I want that, what do you want to know." She told me only partial truths. I could tell she was lying.

 

I cannot say I am glad she told me as she was unremorseful and hateful. But I am very glad I know. As a result, my eyes were opened. She did me a favor, however unwillingly she did it.

 

Had she apologized to me which she never did, answered my questions truthfully and seemed regretful, I would have truly appreciated it.

 

Are you going to look for another job since you work with her and her H?

[NoIDidn't]

Thank you for the advice NoIDidn't.

 

I would be willing to answer any of her questions. But I feel a letter would be better so she doesn't have to have me there seeing her pain when she finds out.

 

I can just put in the letter that it is over, that I am so sorry and I know how wrong it was, that I promise to stay out of her marriage and also to keep it completely confidential. (So that she won't think I'm telling everyone else what I did with her husband). I think it's good advice to put in the letter that I am willing to talk with her if she would like or never mention it again if she would like, and that I will accept whatever she feels the need to say to me.

 

Thanks again.

 

You're welcome. BUT....I think the letter is poor taste, honestly.

 

This is the problem I have with the letter, and only based on what I would do if I received a letter like this.

 

First, do you plan to identify yourself in the letter? If you do, and it was me getting it, I would come searching for you with FIRE in my eyes DEMANDING answers. Basically, the letter would put me on the offensive in a bad way.

 

Second, if you don't plan to identify yourself, that's cowardly. Sorry. Why admit to something, say you're sorry, but not say who you are?

 

Thirdly, how can you answer her questions if you send her a letter? Are you expecting to start a correspondence with her? If you were willing to meet with her H face to face, you should be willing to meet with her face to face.

 

I agree with Abeliever that you should do it in person in a public place. That way she is more inclined to keep her base responses in check, and if she can't, you'll have witnesses. And it wouldn't be a bad idea to have a friend close by watching the exchange but not at the table.

 

I hope you don't send a letter, it sends the wrong idea and lacks the sincerity that you seem to have. Don't be afraid of this woman or her potential reactions if your motives are pure. And don't be naive either. Forgiveness is a long time coming. Asking for it could come off insensitively.

[dreamininginred]

OW sort of told me. She thought I was my H on the computer because I signed on w/his log-in. She sent IM messages and I pretended to be him. out who she was and phoned her.

 

She was cold and nasty. She only said I should talk to my H. I said, fine, she, my H, myself and HER H could all sit down and talk then. She said "I don't think I want that, what do you want to know." She told me only partial truths. I could tell she was lying.

 

I cannot say I am glad she told me as she was unremorseful and hateful. But I am very glad I know. As a result, my eyes were opened. She did me a favor, however unwillingly she did it.

 

Had she apologized to me which she never did, answered my questions truthfully and seemed regretful, I would have truly appreciated it.

 

Are you going to look for another job since you work with her and her H?

 

It is good to know that from your point of view, thank you. I am hoping that is her case because that is the only way I think it is the right thing to do... if she is would appreciate it and find the information helpful although of course hurtful. I don't want to do it if like Scubafish she wouldn't want to hear it or if would be more hurtful than helpful.

 

I need to look for a new job, as I am miserable here now (due to my own fault of course), I just don't know where to start. This was my first real job ever and it's a good job. I am so mad at myself for screwing it up.

[dreamininginred]

You're welcome. BUT....I think the letter is poor taste, honestly.

 

This is the problem I have with the letter, and only based on what I would do if I received a letter like this.

 

First, do you plan to identify yourself in the letter? If you do, and it was me getting it, I would come searching for you with FIRE in my eyes DEMANDING answers. Basically, the letter would put me on the offensive in a bad way.

 

Second, if you don't plan to identify yourself, that's cowardly. Sorry. Why admit to something, say you're sorry, but not say who you are?

 

Thirdly, how can you answer her questions if you send her a letter? Are you expecting to start a correspondence with her? If you were willing to meet with her H face to face, you should be willing to meet with her face to face.

 

I agree with Abeliever that you should do it in person in a public place. That way she is more inclined to keep her base responses in check, and if she can't, you'll have witnesses. And it wouldn't be a bad idea to have a friend close by watching the exchange but not at the table.

 

I hope you don't send a letter, it sends the wrong idea and lacks the sincerity that you seem to have. Don't be afraid of this woman or her potential reactions if your motives are pure. And don't be naive either. Forgiveness is a long time coming. Asking for it could come off insensitively.

 

Thanks, NoIDidn't. There were two reasons I was considering giving her a letter (Yes, I was planning to identify myself, in fact I was planning to hand her the letter so that she knows it's from me and she can choose to open it/ read it/ talk to me or not talk to me, whatever is easiest for her). The first is because BS on another forum have told me that it would be cruel to tell her to her face, because then she wouldn't have any time to process the information/ embarrassment in privacy. They said the letter will give her time to deal with it alone and decide if she even wants to LOOK at me ever again. Also they've said that if she wants to know more information, she can come ask me, and if she wants to ignore it, she can do that too -- it leaves the choice up to her.

 

The second reason is that I don't know how else to do it. I work with her but it would be a horrible idea to tell her at work! I don't know her home number -- I could try to find it out, but then I'm afraid xMM might intercept my call. If I were going to meet her in a public place, I don't even know how to tell her I need to talk to her! The only contact information I have for her (email, phone, address) is our work info.

 

I know she suspected he was having an affair. Therefore if I give her a letter, or tell her I would like to speak to her outside of work about something non-work related, etc., I think she will have a very good idea what I am going to tell her. But she will probably think I want to tell her so that I can have him or something. She will probably ask him what I want to tell her, and he will either lie or give her half-truths. I guess what she does with any information he gives or doesn't give her is still her choice and she knows she can come talk to me if she wants to. I guess if I find a way to let her know I have something to tell her, that leaves the decision about whether or not she wants to hear it up to her.

 

I think that one of the problems with affairs is that the betrayed spouse rarely gets the full story, ESPECIALLY if the wayward spouse is still in denial, wanting to hide it, wanting to act like it's all the betrayed spouse's fault, etc. I would tell her anything she wanted to know, although of course it implicates me and will make me look bad, but I don't care, I feel horrible and I think she has the right to know anything she wants to know about it.

[NoIDidn't]

Thanks, NoIDidn't. There were two reasons I was considering giving her a letter (Yes, I was planning to identify myself, in fact I was planning to hand her the letter so that she knows it's from me and she can choose to open it/ read it/ talk to me or not talk to me, whatever is easiest for her). The first is because BS on another forum have told me that it would be cruel to tell her to her face, because then she wouldn't have any time to process the information/ embarrassment in privacy. They said the letter will give her time to deal with it alone and decide if she even wants to LOOK at me ever again. Also they've said that if she wants to know more information, she can come ask me, and if she wants to ignore it, she can do that too -- it leaves the choice up to her.

 

Thanks for the response. In light of the fact that you plan on handing it to her yourself, that's different.

 

I don't agree completely with the other BSs you've spoken to, but I do get their point and they do have a very valid one.

 

So your letter isn't such a bad idea since you are identifying yourself and giving it to her personally, AND letting her know that she can come to you and talk about its contents later.

 

You are one brave woman and not a coward at all. And you are actually showing a lot of compassion for this woman.

[dreamininginred]

Thanks for the response. In light of the fact that you plan on handing it to her yourself, that's different.

 

I don't agree completely with the other BSs you've spoken to, but I do get their point and they do have a very valid one.

 

So your letter isn't such a bad idea since you are identifying yourself and giving it to her personally, AND letting her know that she can come to you and talk about its contents later.

 

You are one brave woman and not a coward at all. And you are actually showing a lot of compassion for this woman.

 

Thanks NoIDidn't. The problem is that the majority of BS I've spoken to have urged me to tell and said that they would have wanted to know, even if the information had to come from OW. But a minority of BS have told me that if the affair had just "went away" on its own, they would have preferred not to know. Kind of the "ignorance is bliss" theory or the "what I don't know won't hurt me."

 

If she is one of the ones who would prefer not to know, I don't want to hurt her by telling her. But I would like to ask the BS who said they would prefer not to know: do circumstances matter at all? In my case I had to run kicking and screaming away from him, he did *everything* in his power to try to make me stay with him, and then only after he realized I was gone for good did he tell me he was thinking of agreeing to go to marriage counseling with his wife. Would she want to know that the only reason he's going to counseling with him (if that was even true) was because his OW had kicked him to the curb? *I* would want to know. And even if my husband had decided it wasn't worth the risk and had ended the affair on his own, I would *still* want to know, because I would want to know the circumstances and why he did it in the first place, what he had learned from it, whether or not I chose to forgive him, etc. I would like to have equal power and equal knowledge.

 

Also, what if MM cheats again? Then yes, the W is "protected" from not knowing about one affair, but she will hurt even more in the end if she finds out there were more, and that no one ever told her. I have a strong suspicion he is seeing someone else. Of course, we are in NC and I don't ask him nor do I care to take the time trying to figure it out, but I suspect. That is putting W at risk not only for future heartbreak but also for STDS.

 

I sometimes have a scary dream of her coming to me years from now and saying "I found out that my H had multiple affairs, but the one that hurt me the most was yours, how could you have never told me about this?" (We work together and are friendly -- every time I see her I almost start crying, and after she leaves, I do cry. She gives me work and is very nice/ complimentary to me and I know that if she knew the truth, she wouldn't even LOOK at me let alone be so nice. I feel like by keeping this secret I am taking away her knowledge of the truth and her ability to decide what to do about it.)

 

So I think the right thing to do is to tell her, even though it's definitely the hardest thing, and even though there's the chance that like some BS have told me, she will feel even worse with this knowledge and wish I would have just carried my own cross.