dreamininginred Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Hi, I am a former OW. I realize I did so many things wrong (and it's okay to bash me, I am bashing myself all the time -- I feel so guilty and stupid.) I think my story is pretty typical -- he was older, we worked together, he helped me a lot at work, told me he loved me and had never felt this way about anyone, told me he and his wife lived totally separate lives (and in different rooms of their house), like roommates, he had never loved her the way he should have to get married to her, she was an emotionally abusive alcoholic, etc. He also told me they had both decided to get divorced before he even met me, and that they were in the process of divorce. I KNOW that all of this was a big lie, but at the time, I was stupid and gullible and I thought I loved him, so I believed him. He moved out of their house a couple months into our affair. But months after that, they were still not divorced. He told me she had originally wanted to get divorced, but now she had changed her mind and wanted to work things out. This made me feel incredibly guilty. He told me that he still planned to get divorced but he wanted to give it some time so that she would be okay with it, too. This made me feel like he didn't really know what he wanted, or he wasn't man enough to take action. We still saw each other every day but I was not happy, I began to see through him and to look at my own terrible decisions. I felt so guilty, I never meant to break up their marriage, but yes I know now that that was what I was contributing to. I broke it off with him, which he made very difficult and begged me to stay with him while he continued the process of divorce, etc. I am *finally* in complete NC and refuse to talk to him (except for work). I work with both him and his estranged wife. (I know, stupid me... long story.) I feel so guilty and fake whenever I'm around her. I feel like she deserves to know, and that I would like to apologize to her. Is that stupid of me? Would she even believe me, or would she think I had some ulterior motive? (I do NOT want to be with her husband, who is a big indecisive liar, I am DONE with him no matter what happens between them. I personally think that both she and I are way too good for that lowlife.) Would she hate me not only for being with her husband but also for telling her about it? Or would she be grateful to find out, even if it has to be from me? (I've told him he should tell her, he refuses.) I wonder if she would even want to know. (She's asked him if he's seeing someone else -- after he moved out -- and he denied it [all according to him, who was lying the whole time about everything, so who really knows if that even happened.]) I am really confused and I would like to know if any BS here were told my the OW/ OM. If so, what happened? Would you (BS) recommend I tell xMM's W, or is not my place? Would BS want to find out about an affair even if the info came from OW/ OM? Thank you very much for sharing any experiences about this with me. I want to do the right thing, I just don't know what it is.
MissCourtney Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Im sorry, I have been reading this a lot and wondering what the hell it means.... OW/ OM ?????? -c
Author dreamininginred Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 Sorry about that. OW = Other Woman (Affair partner) OM = Other Man (Affair partner)
Frances Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Hi, I am a former OW. I realize I did so many things wrong (and it's okay to bash me, I am bashing myself all the time -- I feel so guilty and stupid.) I think my story is pretty typical -- he was older, we worked together, he helped me a lot at work, told me he loved me and had never felt this way about anyone, told me he and his wife lived totally separate lives (and in different rooms of their house), like roommates, he had never loved her the way he should have to get married to her, she was an emotionally abusive alcoholic, etc. He also told me they had both decided to get divorced before he even met me, and that they were in the process of divorce. I KNOW that all of this was a big lie, but at the time, I was stupid and gullible and I thought I loved him, so I believed him. He moved out of their house a couple months into our affair. But months after that, they were still not divorced. He told me she had originally wanted to get divorced, but now she had changed her mind and wanted to work things out. This made me feel incredibly guilty. He told me that he still planned to get divorced but he wanted to give it some time so that she would be okay with it, too. This made me feel like he didn't really know what he wanted, or he wasn't man enough to take action. We still saw each other every day but I was not happy, I began to see through him and to look at my own terrible decisions. I felt so guilty, I never meant to break up their marriage, but yes I know now that that was what I was contributing to. I broke it off with him, which he made very difficult and begged me to stay with him while he continued the process of divorce, etc. I am *finally* in complete NC and refuse to talk to him (except for work). I work with both him and his estranged wife. (I know, stupid me... long story.) I feel so guilty and fake whenever I'm around her. I feel like she deserves to know, and that I would like to apologize to her. Is that stupid of me? Would she even believe me, or would she think I had some ulterior motive? (I do NOT want to be with her husband, who is a big indecisive liar, I am DONE with him no matter what happens between them. I personally think that both she and I are way too good for that lowlife.) Would she hate me not only for being with her husband but also for telling her about it? Or would she be grateful to find out, even if it has to be from me? (I've told him he should tell her, he refuses.) I wonder if she would even want to know. (She's asked him if he's seeing someone else -- after he moved out -- and he denied it [all according to him, who was lying the whole time about everything, so who really knows if that even happened.]) I am really confused and I would like to know if any BS here were told my the OW/ OM. If so, what happened? Would you (BS) recommend I tell xMM's W, or is not my place? Would BS want to find out about an affair even if the info came from OW/ OM? Thank you very much for sharing any experiences about this with me. I want to do the right thing, I just don't know what it is. Keep out of it. Stay clear and let them deal with it. Can you change jobs? I do not think she would want to hear it from you and she may bring you into the divorce proceedings. Gool luck to you, try sticking to single guys, it makes for an easier life and a clearer conscience.
cj1988 Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Yes, when I was married to my sons father back in the late 80's...I was 7 months pregnant and she called and told me she had been sleeping with my H and she was in love with him. I left work, he knew what happened was crying and begging me to stay etc......told me she was just a one night stand (like that made it better) and he was not in love with her.....he never spoke to her or talked to her again, but it was over at that moment......I did not know it at the time, stayed until my son was over a year old, by that time I hated his guts and left ! What a piece of work....he stalked me for 3 years and went off the deep end....now he is married (has been since 95) has cheated on her and she left and came back....he is over 40 now and finally a GOOD H, about time ! Now, I am stuck with # 2 H and he did the same, I am leaving and will never trust a man again for a LONG time to come !
silktricks Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 My husband told me after he broke it off with the OW. I would suggest the same that Frances did. Stay out of it. You don't need (or want) anymore involvement in their lives. Let them work out or not their own problems. I personally would not thank the OW for telling me if my husband had not. Oh yeah, and find a different job!!!!
Author dreamininginred Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 Gool luck to you, try sticking to single guys, it makes for an easier life and a clearer conscience. Thanks, don't worry, I've definitely learned my lesson!!!
Author dreamininginred Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 I personally would not thank the OW for telling me if my husband had not. I certainly don't expect to be thanked. I just feel like since *I* would want to know that my husband had an affair (preferably from him, but any way possible including from OW), the right thing to do is tell her. I also feel I should apologize for playing a role in her pain. If your husband had not told you, would you have wanted OW to tell you or would you prefer to have never found out if not from him?
Author dreamininginred Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 Yes, when I was married to my sons father back in the late 80's...I was 7 months pregnant and she called and told me she had been sleeping with my H and she was in love with him. I left work, he knew what happened was crying and begging me to stay etc......told me she was just a one night stand (like that made it better) and he was not in love with her.....he never spoke to her or talked to her again, but it was over at that moment......I did not know it at the time, stayed until my son was over a year old, by that time I hated his guts and left ! What a piece of work....he stalked me for 3 years and went off the deep end....now he is married (has been since 95) has cheated on her and she left and came back....he is over 40 now and finally a GOOD H, about time ! Now, I am stuck with # 2 H and he did the same, I am leaving and will never trust a man again for a LONG time to come ! I'm sorry to hear about your pain, CJ. I can understand your distrust of men now. Were you glad the OW told you or do you wish you hadn't had to find out about it from her? Did she tell you to try to "win" him or did she mean it as an apology and an admission?
Author dreamininginred Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 Write her a letter explaining your role in the affair and apologize, and leave it at that. Don't tell her anything that he said about her, and don't use the word "but". Just be straight forward and tell the truth. Remorse and not begging. I like your suggestion. I want to just say this: Dear ________, I had an affair with your husband. It is over. I am terribly sorry for the pain I have inflicted on you. Sincerely, _______________ Should I say anything else? (I don't think it's fair to her that *I* know about it, her husband knows about it, and yet she doesn't know about it. I feel it is cruel of us to continue the secrecy even though we are no longer continuing the affair.)
silktricks Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I'm glad my husband told me, as we could work on the problems in our relationship. However, if the OW had told me I think it would have only led to more (and different) sorrow. I don't really know what my reaction would have been, but it wouldn't have been pretty. I understand and appreciate your position, that you feel guilty about the wife not knowing. I simply think that it's best that you not be the one to tell her. You have interfered in their lives enough. You should not interfere anymore. But that's just my opinion, and my opinion is only that. Whatever you decide, good luck.
Author dreamininginred Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 I'm glad my husband told me, as we could work on the problems in our relationship. However, if the OW had told me I think it would have only led to more (and different) sorrow. I don't really know what my reaction would have been, but it wouldn't have been pretty. I understand and appreciate your position, that you feel guilty about the wife not knowing. I simply think that it's best that you not be the one to tell her. You have interfered in their lives enough. You should not interfere anymore. But that's just my opinion, and my opinion is only that. Whatever you decide, good luck. I don't agree that I interfered in *his* life, he was definitely a willing participant. But yes I certainly interfered in *her* life enough and in the marriage... the question is, should I tell her that I interfered in it or does she stay in the dark? I understand you think I shouldn't. I understand why. I don't want to give her any more sorrow. Thanks for giving me that to think about. I appreciate it.
Author dreamininginred Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 I write you this letter with my sincerest apologies. It is with much regret that I have been involved in an inappropriate relationship with your husband, and for that I humbly apologize. I have thought about this long and hard and sought advice for what I should do. I felt that it was necessary to let you know that I can't take away your pain or erase my actions, but I hope some day you can find it in your heart to forgive. If not I understand and I hope your healing is speedy. Again I am sorry. Thanks. I doubt she will ever forgive me, I don't really expect her to. But I guess it can't hurt to ask for her forgiveness (unless she thinks, don't ask anything of ME).
reboot Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I don't think it's fair to her that *I* know about it, her husband knows about it, and yet she doesn't know about it. I feel it is cruel of us to continue the secrecy even though we are no longer continuing the affair.)I really, really, really agree with this statement. But her husband is the one that should tell her. Obviously he won't unless forced to though.
Author dreamininginred Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 Thanks reboot, I read through some of your posts and I really appreciate your opinion because I think you've been through a lot and you have a lot of experience. I have thought about telling xMM that I feel she deserves to know and I want to apologize to her, so that hopefully that's an incentive to tell her and she can hear it from HIM, not me. One negative to that is that I know he'll throw me under the bus and blame it all on me when *I* was the one who realized what a horrible thing we were doing and stopped. But I don't care too much about that b/c I honestly don't care what happens to me anymore or about myself -- I just want to do the right thing. I expect him to lie about me/ the circumstances of the affair and I expect her to hate me for it. But "warning" him that I am going to tell her will give him more time to work up lies he will tell her to get out of it. He of course is very good at lying and I know that's what he'll do. The bigger concern is that talking to him about that would break NC, which I had to fight so hard to get him to leave me alone. I don't think it would be good to talk to him about *anything* at this point. I was in a relationship (not married, but living with someone and committed) when I was with him (at the beginning of the affair... I then broke up with my BF & moved out), and now I am back with my boyfriend (living apart but going to counseling) and trying to work things out, so it is important to our relationship that I not break NC too. I am very honest with him about everything now and I know NC is very important to restoring trust. I feel you are saying you would prefer to know even if it has to come from OW/ OM, but you would prefer it to come from your spouse. Do you think I should tell xMM he needs to tell her or I will, even though that involves breaking NC, or should I just tell her, or should I do nothing?
stampdaddy Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I don't know what to tell you to do, but I can tell you this story from my situation: I am the OM. One day, I started getting phone calls from BS H.. He was scrambling, calling me, several of her friends, and he was getting NO WHERE. His W was denying almost everything.. It was ME that finally told him the truth.. How long, to what extent (no deep details), did we have sex? yes Since when? 2004 Do you love her? yes Has she said she loves you? yes etc.... What upsets him the most is that this information came from ME and not HER... I shouldnt have been the one to tell him, SHE should have, but she wasnt, her friends wouldnt even call him back, BUT he knew, and he deserved to know, I begged her to be honest, she wasnt.. SO I was.. The difference here is that HE called ME, I didnt go to him... I just know if they are trying then let them try, he MAY tell her... He MAY not Can you tell him about your feelings?
Author dreamininginred Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 I don't know what to tell you to do, but I can tell you this story from my situation: I am the OM. One day, I started getting phone calls from BS H.. He was scrambling, calling me, several of her friends, and he was getting NO WHERE. His W was denying almost everything.. It was ME that finally told him the truth.. How long, to what extent (no deep details), did we have sex? yes Since when? 2004 Do you love her? yes Has she said she loves you? yes etc.... What upsets him the most is that this information came from ME and not HER... I shouldnt have been the one to tell him, SHE should have, but she wasnt, her friends wouldnt even call him back, BUT he knew, and he deserved to know, I begged her to be honest, she wasnt.. SO I was.. The difference here is that HE called ME, I didnt go to him... I just know if they are trying then let them try, he MAY tell her... He MAY not Can you tell him about your feelings? xMM is definitely *not* trying to tell her. I've told him he should tell her but he refuses to do so. He doesn't want her to know -- it would make him look bad and get him into trouble. I don't want to hurt him or be vindictive but I feel she should know and I *know* he won't tell her unless maybe I say I am going to if he doesn't. (But who knows -- we might have a MatchPoint situation on our hands if I say that -- he is very selfish and manipulative and I think he would go to great lengths to keep this from her.) Thanks for sharing your experience with me. No offense to your MW but she sounds pretty selfish herself -- why not just tell the poor BH when he's been asking so much?? I can't believe he had to call you instead of getting it from his wife. May I ask why you still want to be with someone like that? When I realized that xMM was actually lying and stringing along his wife just as much as he was me, it made me lose all respect for him (and gain some for myself, for her, for the institution of marriage)... but that's just me. I guess if you want to be with a woman who lies to her husband to that extent, that's your right, but I say, protect yourself and respect that poor BS and their marriage (whatever's left of it). However I didn't come here to give YOU advice lol, and thanks for sharing yours with me. Can I talk to WHO about my feelings? My xMM (NO we are in NC) or my BSO (yes, I can and I have been-- he thinks I should not tell the W but he would support me in whatever I thought was right).
stampdaddy Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 To answer your question, it is a work in progress for ME.. And I WILL PROGRESS... She has been more honest since then, but not as much as she should be and it doesnt change the FACTS We will BOTH get there, you and I... Think long and hard about all of this (as you are doing) before acting... You say you all work together?? What could this do to YOU if it becomes a mess. People in the workplace LOVE drama, and YOU would become the Queen
reboot Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I feel you are saying you would prefer to know even if it has to come from OW/ OM, but you would prefer it to come from your spouse. Do you think I should tell xMM he needs to tell her or I will, even though that involves breaking NC, or should I just tell her, or should I do nothing? I hate to advise you to tell her. Almost everyone here always says not to and I honestly don't feel very wise when it comes to this stuff. I also hate to tell you to break your NC, but maybe that's the better way to go if you really feel strongly about it. I do know that most of the time we (the BS) knows, even though we don't, and it's such a relief to NOT feel crazy anymore, to NOT feel like we're convicting someone we love who might really be innocent. In other words, I think (for many of us at least) it's a favor for someone to tell us. As far as who tells, I know if he had been the one to tell me it would have been really bad for everyone (as if it wasn't bad enough), but ay least I would have known. It sounds like you just want to do the right thing, but damned if you aren't between a rock and a hard place. No offense to your MW but she sounds pretty selfish herself -- why not just tell the poor BH when he's been asking so much?? I can't believe he had to call you instead of getting it from his wife. May I ask why you still want to be with someone like that? When I realized that xMM was actually lying and stringing along his wife just as much as he was me, it made me lose all respect for him (and gain some for myself, for her, for the institution of marriage)... but that's just me. I guess if you want to be with a woman who lies to her husband to that extent, that's your right, but I say, protect yourself and respect that poor BS and their marriage (whatever's left of it). Good points to stampdaddy. Maybe he'll listen to someone who's been where he is better than one of us 'others'.
stampdaddy Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Maybe I will Boot, maybe I will.. BUT, I am "listening" to everybody, and I think you know that... It'll come together for me, YOU would be the first person to tell me as much.. Thanks;)
Author dreamininginred Posted December 13, 2007 Author Posted December 13, 2007 To answer your question, it is a work in progress for ME.. And I WILL PROGRESS... She has been more honest since then, but not as much as she should be and it doesnt change the FACTS We will BOTH get there, you and I... Think long and hard about all of this (as you are doing) before acting... You say you all work together?? What could this do to YOU if it becomes a mess. People in the workplace LOVE drama, and YOU would become the Queen I agree, we all have to get their in our own way. I think it's good that you are at least trying to find your way. I was going to pose my question in the OW forum as well but I couldn't believe how many people there seemed to be okay with being the OW and, IMO of course, thinking only about what THEY want and now who they're really hurting. I didn't really want their advice and I am ashamed I was ever one. I couldn't go for long once I understood the situation. I guess everyone has a way of justifying things to themselves but I think it's good that you are searching for answers and that you want to do the right thing. Therefore I appreciate your advice and opinion. I think a lot of people over there would say "who cares about BS, she must have done something wrong or her husband wouldn't have cheated on him with you." (That is really messed up thinking to me.) Anyway. Yes I have considered the consequences that this can bring me at work -- drama, loss of reputation, maybe I could even lose my job. But I am ready to own my sh** if that is necessary and face the music. I don't want to hide behind lies anymore, I want to be honest and do the right thing even if it hurts. But it would be *nice* to just leave this in the past and move on to a better future, just me and BSO and none of this worrying about what I did or if there's anyway to do anything right for his BS. I just don't know what will help her more. Either way I think I will need to find a new job. I am looking, I just don't know how to go about that and I sometimes feel so overwhelmed (deservedly so) trying to figure out how to forgive myself for what I did, work on things with BSO, AND think about my career too. This was the biggest worst decision I ever made.
Author dreamininginred Posted December 13, 2007 Author Posted December 13, 2007 I hate to advise you to tell her. Almost everyone here always says not to and I honestly don't feel very wise when it comes to this stuff. I also hate to tell you to break your NC, but maybe that's the better way to go if you really feel strongly about it. I do know that most of the time we (the BS) knows, even though we don't, and it's such a relief to NOT feel crazy anymore, to NOT feel like we're convicting someone we love who might really be innocent. In other words, I think (for many of us at least) it's a favor for someone to tell us. I don't understand why people here say not to tell. Their reasons are is that it is not my place, I never should have been involved in the marriage in the first place and I shouldn't stay involved. But I think, true, but I was, so why not try to make it a little more right by exposing the affair and apologizing? I guess they also question my motives and find it hard to believe that a former OW would want to really do the right thing. I understand that. I have been on the Surviving Infidelity forums and it's the exact opposite -- almost all the BS on there tell me I should tell BS. I agree with all your reasonings to tell -- they will have the proper information to decide what to do about their marriage/ future, they can protect themselves against STDS, they can stop feeling crazy.
stampdaddy Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I dont know if the BS wants to hear your apology (thoughts any BS'S?), but I can understand WHY you would want to apologize.. I've said the words "I'm sorry", but I have had a hard time actually "showing" that I was... I will get there too, I suppose
reboot Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 but I have had a hard time actually "showing" that I was... If you mean your MW's H, the problem with that is, the only way to "show" it to his satisfaction would probably involve some self-mutilation on your part, so that's probably not a good idea.
stampdaddy Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 If you mean your MW's H, the problem with that is, the only way to "show" it to his satisfaction would probably involve some self-mutilation on your part, so that's probably not a good idea. Does ripping ny heart out count? Because that seems to be what's happening.. Nobody seems to understand that I tryly thought that she was on her way out and that she would handle it correctly.... But, obviously she didnt, and now, "Reality" is crushing me. I fooled myself into thinking that I wasnt an affair.. And now I am realizing that is ALL I might have been...
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