white_lilac Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I have known this man for 12 years and over the past 1 and 1/2 years we have gotten very close. We have been sexual for the past month and he tells me LAST NIGHT that he contracted herpes 13 years ago. What am I suppose to do or say now? I am in love with him, but i can't help but feel he should have told me way sooner, especially before intercourse as we have not used protection. I thought I knew him enough to not to have to.
Author white_lilac Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 Come on people!! Is it ok for me to be angry about this? Should I just except the fact that this was done, or should I make it very clear to him that it pissed me off to take away my right of knowledge before hand. If I would have known this...No way would we have...bareback. I feel betrayed. Do I have this right especially since this is something that was obviosly hard for him to let me know. Should I be concerned for him right now?
nateman2384 Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 i'd be really pissed. That is a really big deal. He put you at risk, thats not cool at all.
Kamille Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I would feel betrayed. I don't know much about herpes - but is it the disease where the carriers are only infectuous when they have flares? There isn't much to say. He totally lacked respect, he should have at least insisted on protection. In your shoes I would be making an appointment with my doctor ASAP. And I don't know if I could stay with the guy. the more I think about it the angrier I feel.
MissCourtney Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I would be very pissed and make it very clear.... I understand why you didnt use protection, you have known forever. Just use it from now on. Let him know that you are pissed that he hasn't told you sooner... -c
Krytie TV Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 White, I read your post right after you wrote it and I stared at the reply screen for about 10 minutes before realizing that I had no idea how to respond. I don't think words could possibly express the anger and resentment (and let's not forget fear) that I would feel if someone did that to me. I would probably have to remove myself from their presence very quickly. You have every right to be pissed off... I wonder if a law suit is an option... should be in a fair world. Sounds to me like he did that to kind of "trap" you. Thinking well, now that it's done, there's no harm in being together. Personally, I think you should go Lorena Bobbit on his ****.
Lauriebell82 Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 White, I read your post right after you wrote it and I stared at the reply screen for about 10 minutes before realizing that I had no idea how to respond. I don't think words could possibly express the anger and resentment (and let's not forget fear) that I would feel if someone did that to me. I would probably have to remove myself from their presence very quickly. You have every right to be pissed off... I wonder if a law suit is an option... should be in a fair world. Sounds to me like he did that to kind of "trap" you. Thinking well, now that it's done, there's no harm in being together. Personally, I think you should go Lorena Bobbit on his ****. LOL, Lorena Bobbit, you are too funny Krytie. As for the original poster, I would be PISSED OFF. I don't think this guy even deserves to be with you. If he was not truthful about something as important as this, who knows what other important information he would withhold from you. I'd take this as a sign or worse things to come...
BeautifulMystique Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 White, I read your post right after you wrote it and I stared at the reply screen for about 10 minutes before realizing that I had no idea how to respond. I don't think words could possibly express the anger and resentment (and let's not forget fear) that I would feel if someone did that to me. I would probably have to remove myself from their presence very quickly. You have every right to be pissed off... I wonder if a law suit is an option... should be in a fair world. Sounds to me like he did that to kind of "trap" you. Thinking well, now that it's done, there's no harm in being together. Personally, I think you should go Lorena Bobbit on his ****. I triple this post! Words can't express how angry I'd be!!
Author white_lilac Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 I agree with the posts and I feel that he has taken away from me now. I did do some reading up it, it is possible to pass it on without the outbreak. How do I tell him just how pissed and hurt I am?
Author white_lilac Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 Do I wait and see if I get it? I am so pissed I don't even know what to think right now. I was in shock when he told me last night. I almost got up and walked out, then I thought about him. But the more I think about this and how he lacked my concern, the angrier I get. How long should I be pissed? I do love him and walking away would be very hard, but at the same time...I feel this would be just!
Lauriebell82 Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Do I wait and see if I get it? I am so pissed I don't even know what to think right now. I was in shock when he told me last night. I almost got up and walked out, then I thought about him. But the more I think about this and how he lacked my concern, the angrier I get. How long should I be pissed? I do love him and walking away would be very hard, but at the same time...I feel this would be just! I think you should walk away..yeah you love him, but come on, why would you want to be with a guy who would disrespect and betray you like that? Like I said, this may be a sign of things to come..don't get involved in that!!!
BeautifulMystique Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Do I wait and see if I get it? I am so pissed I don't even know what to think right now. I was in shock when he told me last night. I almost got up and walked out, then I thought about him. But the more I think about this and how he lacked my concern, the angrier I get. How long should I be pissed? I do love him and walking away would be very hard, but at the same time...I feel this would be just! You haven't gotten yourself checked by a doctor yet? How long you should be pissed?? I would be pissed for a very long time, dear! What he did was so wrong on so many levels! You should tell him off!
BlueEyedSarah Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 white_lilac, Sorry if I sound harsh in my post but I don't think knowing him for a long time is a good enough excuse for not using protection. Condoms help with not catching STD's. I would be angry too as he led you into the trap by not telling you - yet why didn't you ask him? You have known him 12 years - why didn't you ask him of he's sexual past? I do hope your lucky and didn't catch it though.
serialgf Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 white_lilac: I really feel for you in this situation... I think you should also take this as a lesson learned in future sexual encounters. i always use a condom no matter what but even then i always ask when the last time my potential sexual partner was tested and what the results were. with my current guy he hasn't gotten tested in a while and i keep bringing it up, in a sweet and concerned way, even though i use condoms it still makes me apprehensive about going down on him and i let him know.... how's that for an incentive? anyway, the point is that communication is key when it comes to sex no matter who its with... i am concerned for your health and you should go to planned parenthood or your doctor and get tested NOW and also in about a month because many STDs take about a month or even more to show up on a test. you mentioned you did some, but i would also do some research on herpes... please get tested ASAP as far as your relationship with him, the first thing you should do is really talk this through with him before you decide what you want to do. ask him why he waited until after you had unprotected sex to tell you he has an STD?!? Tell him you think, justifiably so, that it was totally messed up and disrespectful to keep you in the dark and that it is now hard for you to trust him. if he cares about you, he will be receptive to talking with you about this - if he doesn't he'll make excuses or be a jerk. Please have some respect for yourself because this guy obviously didn't Good luck!
Author white_lilac Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 I never thought to ask him if he had anything. We talked one night about it, because he was married for 10 years and his wife cheated on him. I said he was lucky to not have gotten anything from her, and he still didn't mention it. Thats why I didn't use protection. He is a very faithful man, and I know he never messed around on her. I haven't been to a doc yet, I just found out late last night. Any advice on how to approach this, or should I just come out with all my pissiness?
serialgf Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 well, i think that depends on how you feel about him. you said that you love him. if i were in your situation i would try my hardest to have a level-headed discussion. that's not to say you shouldn't express your anger, it just means you should express it in a clear and level-headed way. you're totally in the right here, i don't think anyone would argue that. however, sometimes when we are justified in feeling wrong and we express it in a way that's unreasonable, i.e. screaming, crying uncontrollably, then it sort of diffuses our point and makes the other person feel defensive or justified in their behavior and that's exactly what you don't want i think you should call him and tell him you need to talk - alone and in person - and then when you're having the talk try to keep it together as you express how betrayed you feel and concerned about your health. tell him that you don't understand why he didn't bring it up earlier especially when you almost outright asked him. try to listen to his response, if he provides any. then you can react however you feel. if he's a jerk about it, then yell at him and get pissed off sorry about the long response but i really think you can do this in a way that expresses your legitimate anger and betrayal without giving up your self-respect - stay strong!
Krytie TV Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 OP, what he did can be likened to assault. Just keep that in mind. He knew what he was doing and did it anyway. Bastard.
BlueEyedSarah Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 We talked one night about it, because he was married for 10 years and his wife cheated on him. I said he was lucky to not have gotten anything from her, and he still didn't mention it. How can he forget something so big that he has, even when you mentioned it to him... Something seems quite wrong here
LovesDog Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Do I wait and see if I get it? I am so pissed I don't even know what to think right now. I was in shock when he told me last night. I almost got up and walked out, then I thought about him. But the more I think about this and how he lacked my concern, the angrier I get. How long should I be pissed? I do love him and walking away would be very hard, but at the same time...I feel this would be just! go straight to your doctor (or ob/gyn). i'm not sure if you get right onto an antiviral medication whether or not it will help. but it would be good to know if you contracted it or not. yah, i'd be pissed. but if you really love him, speak to him about your feelings about this. then decide his/your fate.
Jilly Bean Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I would be WAY tweaked as well, and you have every right to be. While the chances are very minimal you have contracted it, it's more the fact that he didn't tell you, and allow you the choice. That was wrong. Are you going to confront him and blast his ass for this?
Author white_lilac Posted December 13, 2007 Author Posted December 13, 2007 Well I confronted him. We had our first big fight. No yelling though I let him know how I felt about this and that he had the oppurtunity to tell me prior, a few differrent times. He agreed with me and pointed out that he could never touch me again if thats what I wanted. He also pointed out how he felt when he found out he contracted this, and that he didn't ask to get it. "But how do you tell somebody you love you have this" While I know it was hard for him to tell me, I let him know he should have worn something until he could tell me. He agreed, and did a lot of apologizing. Even teared. He didnt even tell his wife until after he had slept with her. I guess this is how he works. Now anybody think I should let it go? He did seem sincere in his apology and vowed to never keep anything big or small away from me. Should I trust this? This is the first time he's EVER kept something from me or borderline lied to me in 12 years. Any input?
Jilly Bean Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I'd let HIM go. Seriously. He knowingly put you at physical risk. Yes, you don't die from herpes, but still. There is an inherent responsibility (I would think), when you have something that can be contracted, to let someone know. Whether a one-nighter, or a RELATIONSHIP. I think the fact that he didn't tell you shows a lack of respect for you. And THAT is not good. And I also think where there is smoke, there's fire. Just because this is the first HUGE lie he got caught in, doesn't mean there aren't others. But regardless, the guy KNEW he had a contagious STD, one that if you caught, you would have for your whole life. It was cowardly, spineless, and IMO, shows that he truly doesn't give a crap about you. He had many chances to tell you this, and the right time to say it, was before you ever had sex. Sidebar - a few years ago, I met this guy online. We were chatting on the phone, and for grins and giggles, I asked him the (seemingly) rhetorical question if he had herpes. And he said YES! Well, that was the end of him, but he was man enough to tell a perfect stranger the truth, yet someone who supposedly cared about you couldn't do the same? I'd worry what else he would selectively forget to tell you...
BlueEyedSarah Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 ^ I agree with Jilly Bean - I suggest you take in that advice.
Krytie TV Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 No offense, OP, but people like you are why there are people like him. Here this guy has just dealt you the ultimate disrespect by exposing you to a lifelong disease for his own selfish and sick reasons are you're letting him off the hook because you might love him? Seriously, have a backbone here. Do you really think that someone willing to take advantage of you and your body that way is a solid individual? If you find a way to rationalize his behavior I feel sorry for you.
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