Krytie TV Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 It's becoming difficult to maintain a healthy sense of confidence in light of the numerous rejections I have faced over the last 4 months. How do you maintain a positive outlook when your life bcomes a series of "one and dones" and "two and dones"? I used to feel that I understood relationships, and I think I do. What I don't understand is the world of dating... at least not currently. I think I need to take a break from dating for a little while until I can get rid of the sting of what has been going on lately. I acknowledge that I'm tightwalking the line between dating life and actual life and the former is starting to carry over to the latter. I have a decent thing going on in my life, I don't need to start feeling bad about it because of my dating failures. There are just so many nuances I don't understand and am confused about. Why voluntarily offer an email address after a second date only to ignore me? What is the point of this? This is just one of many things I have just lost all understainding in. How do you keep yourself from lowering your standards in the face of constant rejection? I'm struggling just to not pursue relationships that I otherwise wouldn't just for the sake of romantic acceptance. Just a minor therapeutic rant. This is starting to become hurtful.
D-Lish Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 It's never a bad idea to take a step back from the dating scene and concentrate on other things in your life. If you are feeling a little down over a few rejections, then you are suddenly on the dating scene with self confidence issues. You don't have to lower your standards... It's better to approach the dating scene feeling good about yourself, so now might be the time to validate yourself through other avenues so you can approach dating with a clearer head. When your happy and confident in yourself, people take notice and find this attractive. If you start expecting rejection, it will happen. That has been my experience. When I feel bad about myself, I choose unworthy partners.... when I feel good about myself, I find worthy partners pursuing me.
underpants Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Pardon my ...connection forming. When was your divorce final? My opinion is that you surfed a wave of validation after a wipe out and are now under the wave of realizing that ...dating sucks. Also that you might have tossed some good fish on the altar of your own studliness. I agree you need to take a step back, check yourself and ask yourself what you want. Kryt, I know you were hurt. That is the past. It is time to figure out who/what might be on the level of not hurting you in the future and opening yourself up to that.
lbj123 Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Taking a break from the dating scene sounds like the pefect cure! It takes time to find a good match, and inevitably you meet/date a lot of people who just don't cut it along the way. This can be daunting, exhausting, depressing...so take some time to concentrate on you! You'll know when you're ready to jump back in. And even better, many people believe that you find someone when you're not even looking!
Author Krytie TV Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 My opinion is that you surfed a wave of validation after a wipe out and are now under the wave of realizing that ...dating sucks. Also that you might have tossed some good fish on the altar of your own studliness. Kryt, I know you were hurt. That is the past. It is time to figure out who/what might be on the level of not hurting you in the future and opening yourself up to that. Very true. I did have a good time over the summer, but that was on the heels of an 8 month relationship that came after my marriage. This issue has nothing to do with my divorce, that issue was well resolved the day she had her baby. And though I was hurt, I feel this experience is a product of its own and not any manifestation of the past. This has nothing to do with the past. And I can gladly say that I didn't make any decisions along the way that I regret (regarding the good fish comment). Otherwise, yes, I will step back a bit. I don't feel up to "selling" myself at this point, and there are too many fun things going on to spoil it on this whole dating drama. This is the longest I've been single since I started grad school 7 years ago. It's good for me. Thanks for the support all.
Phateless Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I just sent you a pm, Krytie. I am no stranger to this feeling, but I've been learning how to combat it. Hopefully it helps...
Art_Critic Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 You are going thru the phase every divorced man goes thru after his divorce is finally Final. Women can also smell a recent divorcee 2 miles away. Just relax and keep on doing what you are doing.. it will get better and you will relearn who you are in time. I used to get my feelings hurt when I would date shortly after my divorce and the girl would say ".. You haven't been divorced a year yet.. been there done that.. no thanks " When it would happen I used to think they are full of shiot.. until I went thru it and realized they were right and I was a mess.. even if I was still funny and charming I was still a mess emotionally because of the finality of the divorce and having to refigure my place of who I was all over again. Don't get all down.. just keep dating and realize that his is only a temporary place for you.
serial muse Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 You are going thru the phase every divorced man goes thru after his divorce is finally Final. Women can also smell a recent divorcee 2 miles away. Just relax and keep on doing what you are doing.. it will get better and you will relearn who you are in time. I used to get my feelings hurt when I would date shortly after my divorce and the girl would say ".. You haven't been divorced a year yet.. been there done that.. no thanks " When it would happen I used to think they are full of shiot.. until I went thru it and realized they were right and I was a mess.. even if I was still funny and charming I was still a mess emotionally because of the finality of the divorce and having to refigure my place of who I was all over again. Don't get all down.. just keep dating and realize that his is only a temporary place for you. How true this is! Speaking as a divorced woman - I totally thought I was fine, too, but it took at least one too-soon serious post-divorce relationship and a lot of annoying/dead-end dates on both ends of that to realize I wasn't ready for a real relationship. It's only now, years later, that I feel like I'm dealing with stuff. You'll get through this, Krytie. It just takes time. But it'll be ok.
birdmadgirl Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I'm right there with you, Krytie. The past year has been disastrous. Of course, with each new person I begin dating, I begin to care a little less about the outcome, and even to expect disappointment. That can't be good. Time for some soul-searching, I think. Best of luck to you.
Florida Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 4 months of bad dates! That's nothing, buck up. Ha try 2 years and then we'll talk. I think that is how long it takes, or just assume that is how long it takes before you meet someone you feel a strong attachment to who is available and who likes you back the same way.
Trialbyfire Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 You're fighting yourself, which produces mixed signals to prospective partners. Relax and be patient. Stay away from dating for awhile until you feel you're confident enough to take another hit.
sumdude Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Nothing wrong with taking a break. Divorce is a big nasty b***h, takes a while to really get past it. I know I'm still a little conflicted. One the one hand it would be really great to have someone in my life and have all that it means.. on the other... I don't feel like I can really give all of myself right now and have some trust issues from the D and other things in my life to work out. I'm constantly second guessing myself. Two steps up one step back. It's hard on me and anyone I would be involved with.
Star Gazer Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 You're fighting yourself, which produces mixed signals to prospective partners. Relax and be patient. Stay away from dating for awhile until you feel you're confident enough to take another hit. I totally agree. Plus, you're probably giving off an "I don't really care what happens" attitude to the women you're dating. No one likes to think someone they're out with isn't at least interested and slightly hopeful, ya know?
Jilly Bean Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Nothing wrong with taking some time off, K, and clearing out the cobwebs. Sometimes a new perspective is all that is needed. I think alot of those questions can be perplexing, and ultimately, the answers can be many. I think the key, though, is to NOT personalize a lot if it. Much of what happens in dating is NOT about you. I mean, look at the many posts here of people telling of how they screwed up (moi included), and it had NOTHING to do with their partner. Take some time off, reconnect with internet porn, and let yourself regroup and get your strength back. During this time, I would suggest making some very solid decisions about the kind of person you are really looking for, and what kind of behavior will be acceptable to you, and what is not. Dating is a numbers game, and often just trial and error.
Author Krytie TV Posted December 13, 2007 Author Posted December 13, 2007 Take some time off, reconnect with internet porn, and let yourself regroup and get your strength back. Are you kidding? I never put the porn away. It's been my girlfriend for a while I'm definitely not looking to meet anyone new at his point. Tonight was a busy night and I was contacted by the three people (including email girl) that I have been interacting with made new plans. I'm just gonna ride these to whatever end happens. I definitely am not interesting in pursuing any new people after this. And if something develops, that will be great too. And though I probably sound very passe about these women, I really am quite interested in them thus far in real life Ya know, I suppose there may be something in my attitude or behavior that screams divorcee, but I can't imagine what it is. I do know that I don't know everything about my behavior. Star: "Plus, you're probably giving off an "I don't really care what happens" attitude to the women you're dating. No one likes to think someone they're out with isn't at least interested and slightly hopeful, ya know?" I think there's a lot to this Star. Whereas with some people along the way this subtle "I don't care" attitude has actually seemed to make them pursue me more (go figure... the games people play), I have probably been emitting this to many for whatever reason, even when there was an interest. But just as often, showing attention and interest often seems to have the opposite effect. I'm not suggesting that this is necessarily a causal relationship, just an observation. Regardless, by the weekend's end, I will have a much better idea of what's going on and where I'm at with this situation and can move on accordingly. Maybe one will still be standing when the smoke clears.
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