jj2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Before you tell the W, are you sure you have told your H EVERYTHING? If you haven't I would do that first or it will come back to bite you in the @ss. And to echo Art, Has your H read this thread?
JamesM Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Before you tell the W, are you sure you have told your H EVERYTHING? If you haven't I would do that first or it will come back to bite you in the @ss. And to echo Art, Has your H read this thread? This is a valid point. If you tell the wife your version, then her husband may tell HIS version to her when she confronts him. The next logical step is that THEY visit your husband and tell HIM their version. While he may outwardly say he doesn't believe them, you may be put into a position of defending yourself against the MM's version (right or wrong) regarding the events between the two of you. Something else to prepare for.
Frances Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 I can only speak for myself but ... I think the opportunity to do the “right” thing has long since passed. Now it’s about exercising damage control since both of these families will likely be living in VERY close proximity to one another. While I wholehearted agree with everyone that the neighbor’s wife should know (I’d want to if I were in her shoes!) ... I can’t help but wonder how many people who are anxious for AP to drop the nuke really care all that much what happens to her??? I can only hope that AP has been honest with us about the counseling she said that she and her husband have been receiving. (???) If that were the case, I can’t help but think she should have been a little farther along in her recovery process by now. Even perhaps been recommended for some individual attention to help address some of her own underlying issues. I’m struggling to connect the dots myself ... and some things for me just aren’t adding up. I just think when considering a situation that could potentially result in making the original poster’s problem even WORSE ... it’s easier to do so while sitting safely and comfortably behind our monitors. After all, as long as it isn’t happening to us, what do we care. Right??? AP ... none of us here are qualified to give you or your family the real help that you need. All we can do is offer our opinions and perspectives. When it comes to something as important and potentially life altering as this, it would be better discussed between you, your husband and your councilor/relationship coach BEFORE making any irreversible decisions. I do hope the OP will listen to your advice.
Author Meaplus3 Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 I can only speak for myself but ... I think the opportunity to do the “right” thing has long since passed. Now it’s about exercising damage control since both of these families will likely be living in VERY close proximity to one another. While I wholehearted agree with everyone that the neighbor’s wife should know (I’d want to if I were in her shoes!) ... I can’t help but wonder how many people who are anxious for AP to drop the nuke really care all that much what happens to her??? I can only hope that AP has been honest with us about the counseling she said that she and her husband have been receiving. (???) If that were the case, I can’t help but think she should have been a little farther along in her recovery process by now. Even perhaps been recommended for some individual attention to help address some of her own underlying issues. I’m struggling to connect the dots myself ... and some things for me just aren’t adding up. I just think when considering a situation that could potentially result in making the original poster’s problem even WORSE ... it’s easier to do so while sitting safely and comfortably behind our monitors. After all, as long as it isn’t happening to us, what do we care. Right??? AP ... none of us here are qualified to give you or your family the real help that you need. All we can do is offer our opinions and perspectives. When it comes to something as important and potentially life altering as this, it would be better discussed between you, your husband and your councilor/relationship coach BEFORE making any irreversible decisions. Enigma, Please don't be silly here! I am not baseing this decesion just from what I read here. My H and I have plenty of outside help, as I have shared with you all along. This has been discussed with the counselor and we me in private during therapy. I have also been speaking with a very close friend of mine. I very much appreciate your kindness you seem to be a very loving person. AP:)
jj2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 well, I hope you do come COMPLETELY clean with your hubby. It would be in your best interests. I think it would also be a good idea to let your H read this thread and you two can discuss what is best for the both of you. Not just you. If i'm wrong here, please correct me;)
Author Meaplus3 Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 well, I hope you do come COMPLETELY clean with your hubby. It would be in your best interests. I think it would also be a good idea to let your H read this thread and you two can discuss what is best for the both of you. Not just you. If i'm wrong here, please correct me;) He know's the Truth and that's all that matter's. AP:)
jj2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 He know's the Truth and that's all that matter's. AP:) The WHOLE truth? I am just trying to make sure all of your bases are covered so there are no surprises. Is he reading this thread?
Author Meaplus3 Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 The WHOLE truth? I am just trying to make sure all of your bases are covered so there are no surprises. Is he reading this thread? YES! Thank's for asking! AP:)
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Enigma, Please don't be silly here! I am not baseing this decesion just from what I read here. My H and I have plenty of outside help, as I have shared with you all along. This has been discussed with the counselor and we me in private during therapy. I have also been speaking with a very close friend of mine. I very much appreciate your kindness you seem to be a very loving person. I’m not. I’m a b*tch. Just be thankful I’m not the wife on the other side of that fence! But that doesn’t mean I’m not worried sick about you shooting your other foot off. At least knowing you and your husband have the qualified support of a professional in all this makes *ME* feel a little better ... I can only hope by the end of all this you finally feel better, too. But I still can’t bring myself to watch ...
Author Meaplus3 Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 You've already watched her grow more balls then the xMM. She is on her way to full maturity. Clap, Clap Thank you bent! AP:)
daisydufas22 Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 I think it is a good idea for you and your husband to tell your x mm's wife. Why? 1. She deserves the truth...... even if she does not wish to accept it. 2. The x mm ........ from what I have read...... thinks it's okay to emotionally hurt and have sex with whomever he wants. Not good! To be honest, I was really glad when my ex's OW told me what was going on. I know everyone is different...... I don't like living in the dark about issues and I don't like seeing other people live in the dark about issues. I hope everything works out for you:D
Frances Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 I think it is a good idea for you and your husband to tell your x mm's wife. Why? 1. She deserves the truth...... even if she does not wish to accept it. 2. The x mm ........ from what I have read...... thinks it's okay to emotionally hurt and have sex with whomever he wants. Not good! To be honest, I was really glad when my ex's OW told me what was going on. I know everyone is different...... I don't like living in the dark about issues and I don't like seeing other people live in the dark about issues. I hope everything works out for you:D I do not think you know the story. He did not think it was okay to have sex. He turned her down on that part and said he loved his wife.
Author Meaplus3 Posted December 15, 2007 Author Posted December 15, 2007 I do not think you know the story. He did not think it was okay to have sex. He turned her down on that part and said he loved his wife. Turned down the deed? Very correct, and thank goondess for that. Have an ea with another woman meaning myself? Yes that's ok in his mind. Well the truth is that's a crock of B***! That's cheating and you know it! Love his W? Perhap's, however when you love your spouse so deep and your R is just wonderful, then why have an ea in the first place? Does not add up in my mind, nor my thearpist, nor my good friend, nor my H and nor many that I have spoke with in Private here! AP:)
PLAYBRAT Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 AP...I don;t want to upset you by asking this question so please don' t take this as me being mean.....but are you angry or upset that the xMM DID turn you down for sex and tell you he loved his W?? Are you angry or hurt that he wouldn;t even cross the line with you? I guess I don't understand WHY you are this angry at this point. I guess I could see it if he DID cross the line. I understand you got emotionally involved.....and it hurts..(I also was in an EA)...but I am not angry...just relieved it didn;t go that far. I am also not angry...though I DO feel sorry for his W sometimes.
Author Meaplus3 Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 AP...I don;t want to upset you by asking this question so please don' t take this as me being mean.....but are you angry or upset that the xMM DID turn you down for sex and tell you he loved his W?? Are you angry or hurt that he wouldn;t even cross the line with you? I guess I don't understand WHY you are this angry at this point. I guess I could see it if he DID cross the line. I understand you got emotionally involved.....and it hurts..(I also was in an EA)...but I am not angry...just relieved it didn;t go that far. I am also not angry...though I DO feel sorry for his W sometimes. Listen! IMOP and from what I have read and been told by professional's anyone who has an ea is just one step closer to a full blown pa, got me? MM was close. He's in denial about what he did. He flirt's to extreme with woman and look what happened and happened once before as he shared with me. I know his wife. I know she know's he's a flirt, but what she does not know is just what kind of an effect his flirtation's can have. Am I mad he turned me down? Well for many many month's very much so YES! Now NO not one bit! I believe his wife should know about his action's, gosh it could save her from even more hurt if he is or does starting thing's even further with the woman he flirt's with. AP:)
Author Meaplus3 Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 As a BS she doesn't seem angry to me. She just seems like she is trying to make amends as best she can. She can't change what she did, but she can try to atone in some form for her actions. Thank's bent! Your head is a level as they come! I appreciate the kindess you have shown me. AP:)
Frances Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Turned down the deed? Very correct, and thank goondess for that. Have an ea with another woman meaning myself? Yes that's ok in his mind. Well the truth is that's a crock of B***! That's cheating and you know it! Love his W? Perhap's, however when you love your spouse so deep and your R is just wonderful, then why have an ea in the first place? Does not add up in my mind, nor my thearpist, nor my good friend, nor my H and nor many that I have spoke with in Private here! AP:) Thats the probem men do not believe that an ea is an affair. Women understand that an ea can often be worse. I have a h who does not believe he had an affair and nothing I say will convince him otherwise. His ea has done so much more damage that a quick roll in the hay would never have done. I would love to be able to let this go but I can not that is why I have been trying to advice you to let it go as you have your h accepting things and life is too short to get yourself hung up on draging his w into it. Your h and children are your priority, put what happened down to a bad experience that you will not repeat. Enjoy the festive season.
PLAYBRAT Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Ok...I hope you didn;t think I was IMPLYING you felt that way.That's why I asked. I can understand it though...
Ariadne Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 anyone who has an ea is just one step closer to a full blown pa, got me? MM was close. He's in denial about what he did. He flirt's to extreme with woman and look what happened What happened is that you got a crush on him. I know his wife. I know she know's he's a flirt, but what she does not know is just what kind of an effect his flirtation's can have The effect that you went bat crazy for this guy, and now you are all embarrassed for all that happened and you want to be a victim so that you are spared the shame. Oh, "he" did it, he is such a bad man to flirt with unsuspecting women. The wife should know that, that he is a flirt. If she has any brains she'll tell you to get off her face. Ariadne
Author Meaplus3 Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 Thats the probem men do not believe that an ea is an affair. Women understand that an ea can often be worse. I have a h who does not believe he had an affair and nothing I say will convince him otherwise. His ea has done so much more damage that a quick roll in the hay would never have done. I would love to be able to let this go but I can not that is why I have been trying to advice you to let it go as you have your h accepting things and life is too short to get yourself hung up on draging his w into it. Your h and children are your priority, put what happened down to a bad experience that you will not repeat. Enjoy the festive season. Exactly, with the quick roll in the hay thing! That's why I think it's even more important for her to know. The most valued thing in any LTR is the emotional connection and I know this because of all that I have been told and read about it! So if his wife has the chance to fix that connection and relalize that perhap's it's not there for him it could save her so much heartache. Im sorry your H had an ea and could not own up to it, I will admit I was not sure that liked you earlier on in this thread but the fact is that I do! I think your great and I only wish you the best! AP:)
Author Meaplus3 Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 What happened is that you got a crush on him. The effect that you went bat crazy for this guy, and now you are all embarrassed for all that happened and you want to be a victim so that you are spared the shame. Oh, "he" did it, he is such a bad man to flirt with unsuspecting women. The wife should know that, that he is a flirt. If she has any brains she'll tell you to get off her face. Ariadne I'm really not embarrassed here! Hey, I did what I did and I do most fully own up to that! AP:)
Ariadne Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Hi, I'm really not embarrassed here! Hey, I did what I did and I do most fully own up to that! You shouldn't be embarrassed for what you did. I think that's wonderful. You lived that experience fully, few people are able to do that. But still, it's a very humbling experience. To declare yourself to him and beg for sex, and be rejected. Just deal with that, as a normal consequence, and you'll be able to let it go. You really have absolutely nothing to say the wife. Ariadne
lovernotafighter Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 AP you have been saying this for along long time. seriously you know for the amount of saying your gonna do it seems like you've been in agony for months. so whats left to debate here? either $h*t or get off the pot. at least there will be some sort of resolve right?
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