daze__e Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 To let go for real, not just to seem healthy and together to get him back.... Does it ever really go away? When you love someone, so much.....when you've dated and no one compares. When you end up in each other's arms once in a while because you still have feelings for each other. When you spend time together with your kids and still hang out and watch videos when the kids have gone to bed. The only reason I have stepped back and let him go off and "find himself" is because I love him. And I love me too much to keep getting drawn in and then hurt. He's kinder to me when we're not together. It makes me feel like crap but he's happier. I want that for me too. I want my private time to be about me, and not about thinking about him or feeling sad he's not here or he hasn't called......or worse thinking about her...and all the things he can do for her that he couldn't do for me. I still do this...less than I used to, but I want to be emotionally healthy. I want to rid myself of the ocd part of how I feel and be left with what's really in my heart. Less drama. How do I hold him in my heart and still move on? How do I commit to moving on when I know I'll always take him back? Do I just pretend I'm over him. When will I actually enjoy dating? I used to love to be single and I hate it now. I feel displaced.
Crestfallen_KH Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I wish I had some advice for you. I'm in the same boat. I think it just takes time. I've moved out, the divorce will be final soon, he's living with the married woman he cheated on me with and it's obvious he loves her and is evidently happy where he is. And yet, I still can't completely let go - after all he's done. Even though he threw away a marriage, a good relationship and friendship with me. Even after the lies and the hurt. Even though I am healing, doing healthy things and in therapy. I was watching tv today, and a guy was almost killed. Afterwards they interviewed his wife. She saw the whole thing and said she was just in shock and terror. She was so worried he might die. It hit me. Someone who's death would have absolutely wrecked me just months ago is now someone I don't talk to, don't spend time with and don't see. If he dies now, his girlfriend goes to the funeral, his family goes to the funeral and I guess I might not even find out. He went from being the most important person in my life to...not...in my life. I wish I could look into the future and see how long I'll feel this way. If someone could tell me "On February 2nd, you will have let go!" I would love that. I just have no idea how long it takes and active WORK on my part to completely let go doesn't seem to help. I think we just have to wait it out. I wish we didn't. I wish there weren't so many unknowns. I'm tired of the unknowns. I'm...just tired.
randuff Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Everything you said sounds so familiar. I feel the exact same way as you do. Since I have been to counseling I have realized a few things. First off do we really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with us because if they truly loved us the way we do them we would be together, not apart. My counselor said this to me : It's like a fire. When it's out it's out. There will be burning embers for a little while but eventually it dies out. The larger the fire (love) the longer the embers may burn. You don't pretend like the fire was never there but you ackowledge that is doesn't burn anymore, so if you want another fire guess what? You find more wood (no pun intended ) I wish I could let go as easily as some do but I haven't been able to as well so I know how difficult it could be for you too. My ex wife I was over in a few months but my ex fiance...well it has been 7 months and I still long for us to be together. We tried the friend route and it has done nothing but agonize me even more. Each time I talk or see her it kills me when she leaves. I just had dinner with her 3 days ago. I try to keep the contact to a minimum but for some reason I refuse to reject her texts or phone calls. You will eventually find another, the time table is up to you and when YOU decide you are ready to move forward. I have not chosen to for 7 months. Maybe like me you hope that down the road they will come up to us and say "I realize that I made a huge mistake and I want to work things out between us." But is that really going to happen? Doubtful! I feel for you and don't really have any great advice other that occupy your time with busy things, hang out with friends as often as you can and if you have children, bathe yourself in their love as much as possible! Good luck, to you, me and everyone else on here struggling to cope with the loss of the one they love.
Author daze__e Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 I'm embarrassed to say I have been waiting it out for two years. In those two years we reconciled once for a month, once for a week and the last time was for 5 months, he and his girl broke up and he came back for comfort probably. I don't wish anyone would feel this way, but it helps that you can relate with it. I have lost all of my friends and I cannot speak about him to my family. No one even knows about the last time we were together. What you said about grieving if he died, and now everything is different. That it so hard to cope with. You're just expected to adjust to this new position or non-position in his life, when you vowed you'd never leave him. The unknowns, the exhaustion. I want to just pull it together and be like one of those lovely women who rise above and keep it all in, a pillar of strength. I look at tabloids and the women who are so gracious. I watched jennifer ansiton as I went through this and the evolution of Brangelina and the baby and the adoptions and all the positive press and I thought how does jennifer get up every day! How does she read those magazines? And she just smiled and looked adorable and some other woman just stole her husband! I'm not jennifer, I'm britney friggen spears. A mess! i didn't shave my head, but I have had my moments of looking like an idiot. I'm here waiting too.
Author daze__e Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 I had a friend who told me a relationship is like a beloved pet. When it dies, bury it. It's too costly to preserve it properly, and if you keep it anyway it starts to stink. I like your therapists analogy as much!
randuff Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I'm embarrassed to say I have been waiting it out for two years. In those two years we reconciled once for a month, once for a week and the last time was for 5 months, he and his girl broke up and he came back for comfort probably. He knows you sit there waiting and he can come and go as he pleases. I know this because my ex does the same. When she needs help she comes to me not her boyfriend or anyone else. All because she knows she can. This has to stop, for both of us! They are taking advantage and we can't let them. It's noone's fault but ours so we must put an end to it and our misery. Don't let them have their cake and eat it too.
Author daze__e Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 He knows you sit there waiting and he can come and go as he pleases. I know this because my ex does the same. When she needs help she comes to me not her boyfriend or anyone else. All because she knows she can. This has to stop, for both of us! They are taking advantage and we can't let them. It's no one's fault but ours so we must put an end to it and our misery. Don't let them have their cake and eat it too. You're absolutely right, It was right after Thanksgiving that I told him that he couldn't sleep over anymore if he didn't want to make a serious effort at this. It sounds awfully ultimatum-ish, but it wasn't. I wanted us to sleep together exclusively. Not move back in together. Not run off together. I have been keeping my distance but if he called and said he wanted to come over...I would have him over.
randuff Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 The more you allow him back in the more he will take advantage. You can't allow these things to happen or you will continue to get hurt. I know it's hard sweetie but you have to try. And try HARD! I am trying my best to not help out the ex as well so I know the temptation. Just stay strong and one day you will look back and realize you did the right thing.
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