PLAYBRAT Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Ok the title of this thread is about this: The BS attacking the OW/OM.... And the OW/OM....defending their par in an affair with a married or commited spouse. Ok...and not making this a MORAL issue....... and trying to be completely OBJECTIVE... has any of the "BS's" who post here..EVER been an OW or OM??? And for the OW/OM have YOU ever been betrayed by a spouse OR lover??? I ask this because it seems there is SO much judgement on this issue..and people's opinions so black and white. Please....no attacking OR finger pointing.Just want to know if you have ever been in the other's shoes.
Lizzie60 Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I've never been a BS (not that I know of anyway) And for the OW/OM have YOU ever been betrayed by a spouse OR lover??? I was an OW with my first 'ex' (total 29 years, 18 years living with him) and I don't think he ever cheated on me (but we can never be 100% sure)... Never been cheated on by any guys... (at least not that I know).
Author PLAYBRAT Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 I am asking this so we can gain an understanding of HOW the BS FEELS..... I am a VERY compassionate person......and I know there are SO many OW and BS's who are too we just find it hard to portray that on such a volatile subect. So maybe by comparing our experiences we can understand and empathize...
NoIDidn't Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 This is the third thread like this in about a week. What gives? But here are my answers in no particular order. I have been involved with "committed" partners but never an actually married guy. And that's not the issue to me. Committed is committed, to some degree. Mostly I did not know that the guy was already "spoken for". But two or three times I did know. Only one of those times actually involved any feelings, though. Mainly because I dated the guy before and found out later that he had a *main* GF and I wasn't it (I thought I was, long story). I can easily understand the so-called "OP mindset". I had it years ago. But then you get into your own committed R and you grow up some and realize that it was your own attitude that caused so many of the disappointments in other Rs. I can't say that I have ever been the betrayer, though. And I honestly never thought of the feelings of the woman on the other side of the triangle, mainly because I didn't know she (or at times, they) even existed. But for the ones that I did know about, I was just too immature to think that far about the consequences of my actions. Even when I thought about cheating on my H years ago, I didn't consider that someone would get hurt. I just considered that I would get something that I wanted. I don't get off on telling people that they are selfish. I know that we all are. I don't get off on moral arguments. That just clouds the issue and gives the person that is looking for it, a way to change the subject. My two cents.... Thanks for rephrasing the question.
stampdaddy Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I am asking this so we can gain an understanding of HOW the BS FEELS..... I am a VERY compassionate person......and I know there are SO many OW and BS's who are too we just find it hard to portray that on such a volatile subect. So maybe by comparing our experiences we can understand and empathize... I have found that if there is SINCERITY, and OPENNESS, we can all get along...
NoIDidn't Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Only as a teenager have I been the op. And I think that is par for the norm in the formative years. What she said!!! That's when I did it too. Teenage boys and young 20-something men are SO unsophisticated!! LOL.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Ok...and not making this a MORAL issue....... and trying to be completely OBJECTIVE... And for the OW/OM have YOU ever been betrayed by a spouse OR lover??? I ask this because it seems there is SO much judgement on this issue..and people's opinions so black and white. Please....no attacking OR finger pointing.Just want to know if you have ever been in the other's shoes. I was a BS, but my situation was quite different...I married very young and my XH turned out to be in the closet...And I don't necessarily consider myself a BS... I never felt such hate or animosity to the OP that is so often shown on these boards...I felt like I was free to find someone who could truly love me the way I deserve to be loved... And yes they're still together...longer than we had been married... Life is just like that, you win some and you lose some...
mopar crazy Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 xOW here, but not a MM. It was in my late teens, he lived w/ her. They ended up getting M shortly after it ended. I'm also a BW.
OWoman Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 And for the OW/OM have YOU ever been betrayed by a spouse OR lover??? No. I do not subscribe to monogamy or sexual exclusivity, so "betrayal" is a concept that makes sense in my situation. Have I ever been involved with lovers who were not sexually exclusive with me? I would assume that at least some of my MM were having sex with their wives. I always worked off the assumption that they were, just as I was always open with them that I had other partners.
White Flower Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Another good question to add might be: did you want someone judging you when you were the OP? And do you really think youth excuses the behaviour? I thought sin was sin was sin. Just food for thought on what should be a very interesting and hopefully peaceful thread.
imstunned Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I have never been married but have been in several committed long term relationships - the last one was 7 years. The last couple of yeras in this relationship were bad - but neither of us cheated. I had an very brief physical affair when I was 27 with an older man (who said he was in an "open" relationship). As I'm sure most of you know - In my recent situation I didnt know I was the other woman until 8 months. I thought I was his girlfriend, and his only woman. I havent seen him since - affair is over. I'm still devestated by his lies and deciet and betrayal of my trust.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I've been cheated on a couple of times. Let's just say that while I may have been OW a long time, and a cheater for a long time I can certainly empathize with someone who has been betrayed.
OpenBook Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I've been an OW, but have never been betrayed by an SO (that I know of). I've been dumped aplenty:D... but not betrayed. I guess those guys thought I wasn't worth all that trouble, to stay with me and cheat. And I'm so glad they thought that way!! Uh-buh-bye!
cj1988 Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I have never been with a MM, but have been with someone in a committed relationship, so that may count (they were on the way out) and yes I am definitely a BS. You have to remember I have cheated a long time ago ( not on my H I am with now) so, I know how easy it is to cheat when you are NOT IN LOVE with your H......he beat, cheated on me etc....he was awful, finally I did the same and then left him. So, I have been both and that is why I do not beat them up so badly ! MM are freakin liars, I have one hitting on me NOW, rich, good looking and a complete liar.....I just laugh at him and tell him, do not waste your time. He said I heard you are getting a D or are seperated....I said ok, yes....but I am still not interested in a MM......he did not stop. I saw him last night at the bar I was at with my friends and he kept on....I said, last time, I am not interested....HE IS HOT TOO! But I am not doing it to me !
justice Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Never been the OW. That's how I came to posting on the OW/OM board. I had questions only they could answer and I would listen to their insight. As for the bashing, I may have said a few unkind words here and there, but mostly to those OW or OM who seemed to have no decency about what was happening.
marlena Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I have been on both sides of the fence and both sides were equally hellish. Fifteen years of marriage and the affair lasted five years!! I am happy to be out of both.
TogetherForever Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Yes. My exh had an affair, I packed the kids up & moved out. So yes, I was a bs & an ow. TF
jj2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 has any of the "BS's" who post here..EVER been an OW or OM??? Nope. Never. My mother taught me to treat people the way I want to be treated.
simplegirl Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I was a BS in my M and became the OW after I divorced my xH.
White Flower Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I was a BS in my M and became the OW after I divorced my xH. So far I find you the quietest, yet the most interesting. I notice no BWs pouncing on you here (thank goodness), but wonder why? Do you in anyway think you may have become the OW just to see how and why what happened to you happened to you? Sorry for the jumbling of words, and I hope not to insight any pouncing.
NoIDidn't Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Yes, I believe that youth does exempt a person a little, as long as they were under 18 at the time. We cannot hold a 15 year old to the same moral standards as a 44 year old who has lived long enough to truly know better. I know some will want to say differently, but I believe teens are really just big kids still trying to find their way.
OWoman Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Why should I walk a mile in your shoes? Oh come on reboot I'd love to see! I've got JUST the pair of stilettos for you! And some great fishnets to go with them. Pretty please?
White Flower Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Ok the title of this thread is about this: The BS attacking the OW/OM.... And the OW/OM....defending their par in an affair with a married or commited spouse. Ok...and not making this a MORAL issue....... and trying to be completely OBJECTIVE... has any of the "BS's" who post here..EVER been an OW or OM??? And for the OW/OM have YOU ever been betrayed by a spouse OR lover??? I ask this because it seems there is SO much judgement on this issue..and people's opinions so black and white. Please....no attacking OR finger pointing.Just want to know if you have ever been in the other's shoes. Hi PB, I just noticed after re-reading this thread that my original post never went through so I'll answer it again. I am an OW and was a BS. I can prove the EA, but cannot prove it was PA, but they had plenty of opportunity. I was curious about SimpleGirl b/c we have similar sitch's. I must admit that for me, part of the reason for my PA is revenge. Not revenge for his EA, but for the fact he wouldn't leave or D when I asked him to. I suppose that is really spite and not revenge. So, yes, I have been in both shoes.
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