whichwayisup Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 I thought her kids were young...I could be wrong though..
reboot Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 No you're right WWIU, her kids are young, I'm not sure where TC got that.
Author stampdaddy Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 That will take a lot of courage, but it IS the right thing to do for everyone involved. another movie reference for you Wizard of Oz - you know, the Lion...
Tomcat33 Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 What am I, chicken liver??? (Just kidding!!!) :D :D Sorry...living in the sunset now, my friend. You'll find that many people do come back to places like this...with the sole intention of HELPING OTHERS. If anything you would be OWL liver, the "other" chicken I know what you are saying I agree. I know a lot of people come back here to help but really do the count, informally speaking, how many really happy couples are here helping others see what they learned? You seem to be a man of stats so do a little poll here and see what kind of % you can come up with on how many people that are regulars here are in happy marriages that walked off into the sunset? If you had to give it a % for the entire LS site what would you say it is? most the people we talk to here and debate with and come to the conclusions that we do are primarily speaking for the cheater and trying to speak from their frame of mind, did you notice that? There are cheaters here but they are far and few apart.
Tomcat33 Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 No you're right WWIU, her kids are young, I'm not sure where TC got that. Oh ok sorry I assumed she had older kids since she spends all this time going in your bed at 6am on a saturday or weekdays or vacations...how ever did she manage week vacations with you having small children?!?!?
whichwayisup Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 how ever did she manage week vacations with you having small children?!?!? Her husband obviously had the kids...
Author stampdaddy Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 The kids are grown who cares if he is in the picture in terms of fathering them and what needs to be share with her, they are not children that need of both parents, I don't see that as a problem. It will be a strain until they fine tune their own pattern and how things will work it will be a growing curve that happens in any relationship that happens from divorced partners. As per what you have seen here or in other boards similar to this, with all due respect but people come here because they are in crisis not because things are fine. the people who rode off into the sunset and lived happily ever after, GUARANTEED have no time for this. Kids are NOT grown..
Author stampdaddy Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 Oh ok sorry I assumed she had older kids since she spends all this time going in your bed at 6am on a saturday or weekdays or vacations...how ever did she manage week vacations with you having small children?!?!? Nobody said "week long" vacations either.. 4-5 days here, 3 day weekend there....
whichwayisup Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 But it was her husband who was with the kids during those times she was with you, right?
Tomcat33 Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Yeah I know ok I GET IT they are not grown up and the kids are with the husband. I still "dont get" (meaning it floors me) how she pulled it off how you leave your small kids with your partner while you are off with your lover for days.....!?!? This is really a first for me, sorry.
whichwayisup Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 I still "dont get" (meaning it floors me) how she pulled it off how you leave your small kids with your partner while you are off with your lover for a week.....!?!? This is really a first for me, sorry. And hopefully now this where some people realize that having affairs DOES take away energy, not only from the betrayed spouse and the marriage, but family life as well... Sorry Stamp, to t/j...
OWoman Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 I still "dont get" (meaning it floors me) how she pulled it off how you leave your small kids with your partner while you are off with your lover for days.....!?!? Her H is obviously a better father than my kids' father. I had to drag them with to my lovers when they were small.
norajane Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Nobody said "week long" vacations either.. 4-5 days here, 3 day weekend there.... Surely you can see that these children that she supposedly has stayed married for, that she leaves with dad every Sunday so she can be with you all day, that she leaves for these little vacations and long weekends...do you see how your affair is an 'escape' from her 'real' life? Do you see that your relationship would be very different if those children were actually a part of your life together? And that maybe that's why she likes having both you and her husband? She doesn't have a job - so she can spend every weekday playing house with you - and she has the stability of a home life for the children, while she gets to run off and play golf and snuggle with you early on Sunday mornings, and gets to go off on long weekends and trips away. I don't want to dump on you. I'm hoping that you, like heftysmurf, can at some point during this NC take a good, hard look at this woman and see her for who she really is. You, too, might realize she's not all you've built her up to be, and that may ease your hunger to have her.
Tomcat33 Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 And hopefully now this where some people realize that having affairs DOES take away energy, not only from the betrayed spouse and the marriage, but family life as well... Sorry Stamp, to t/j... Exactly who is that directed at? Because I am the one who isn't getting it here, others I am sure get it loud and clear. Let me remind you there were no children in my affair, I was not taking away from anyone. He was roomate to his W before he moved out so I didn't take JACK from his W. They did it all by themselves. Had there been kids, personally and totally being honest here, I could NOT have gone through with it. That would have been a deal breaker for me. I think that message is more apropriate for the cheater not for the OP, the cheater is the one that owes their energy to their family. no matter how you slice it. and quite frankly the cheater knows this already...so...
norajane Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Yeah I know ok I GET IT they are not grown up and the kids are with the husband. I still "dont get" (meaning it floors me) how she pulled it off how you leave your small kids with your partner while you are off with your lover for days.....!?!? This is really a first for me, sorry. You lie, TC, that's how. You flat out lie about what you're doing and who you're doing it with. "I need to visit my sister for a week, she's going through a rough time" "My girlfriends and I are taking vacation together - we really need to get away" etc., etc.
reboot Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 You flat out lie about what you're doing and who you're doing it with.But only to your spouse, never to your affair partner.
Tomcat33 Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 You lie, TC, that's how. You flat out lie about what you're doing and who you're doing it with. "I need to visit my sister for a week, she's going through a rough time" "My girlfriends and I are taking vacation together - we really need to get away" etc., etc. Gees people you are taking me too literally, I explained what I meant by "I don't get" I mean: "it FLOORS ME". I am a bit shocked that's all. I know you have to lie, it's just the magnitude of lies to pull something off like what Stamp is sharing with us here is amazing to me. ...call me naive.
reboot Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Gees people you are taking me too literally, I explained what I meant by "I don't get" I mean: "it FLOORS ME". I am a bit shocked that's all. I know you have to lie, it's just the magnitude of lies to pull something off like what Stamp is sharing with us here is amazing to me. ...call me naive. Not as naive as stampdaddy. He thinks she lies like this to everyone but him.
norajane Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Gees people you are taking me too literally, I explained what I meant by "I don't get" I mean: "it FLOORS ME". I am a bit shocked that's all. I know you have to lie, it's just the magnitude of lies to pull something off like what Stamp is sharing with us here is amazing to me. ...call me naive. That's why I caution him to take a very clear look at the woman he's dealing with. She's a practiced liar and very adept at deception, and she does it to get what SHE wants, she does it to suit HERSELF, and to arrange things the way SHE wants them.
whichwayisup Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 TC, that wasn't directed at you at all, it was just a general statement...Sorry, didn't mean it to read like it was directed at you.
serial muse Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Stamp, I know you weren't meaning this to happen, but that picture you're painting of her isn't a very flattering one. I know you feel incredibly strongly about her, but as someone (Owl?) pointed out, you do seem prone to a Galahad disposition. She's not working, she's not home with her kids - I'm not sure what she does all day, aside from spend it with you, but it seems that she doesn't really have much of an inner life of her own. So she tells you all about her terrible, bland loveless life, and you, nobly, rise to the occasion to save her from what she says is unhappiness due to external forces - but they're far more likely to be internal. It's harsh to say it that way, but I just am trying to understand her, and what I'm seeing isn't very...nice. She's using both you and her husband. She may love you both - yes, both - but mostly, she seems very very needy and that's why she has two people to fill her needs. I can't recall how long they have been married, but I can't help wondering if, once upon a time, she married another white knight - but once she found he couldn't save her from herself, she lost interest and pushed him aside. He still provides for her the only way he can, but she looks elsewhere for someone to idolize her. Perhaps he's tried for so long to please someone who is, in the end, unpleaseable, that he's still locked in her spell. Sigh. Why do you love her so much? Seriously, why? Is it because you love doing things for someone, and she is exactly needy enough that you feel you can really "save" her? I really, really don't mean that as a dig at you - you seem like a truly great person, stamp, and believe me, I'm no stranger to the white knight attitude myself, so I'm hardly one to judge that. But perhaps that's why I'm trying to get you to see her more clearly. THAT'S what you should use this NC time for - to remove her from her pedestal and stop thinking about how much you can give her, to stop thinking about her needs and focus on your own. It makes you happy to give, I know. But how would you feel if you kept giving and it stopped making her happy? How would you feel if, once freed of her guilt and ties to her husband, she was still unhappy with her life and ultimately turned on you for it? What if happily ever after isn't something she's capable of? This is speculation, I know. But I'm not sure it's that farfetched. Please, think about your needs for a change. All Galahads need to learn how to do that - ultimately, you should realize that you also deserve what you're giving someone else.
Author stampdaddy Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 Muse.. very insightful and there is no arguement. I look forward to this NC and seeing what I come up with.. To date, however, YES, I do lover her very much, and I am sure this picture I have painted is not very pretty.. Maybe she will realize this too during NC, and I am sure the H will start to realize it as well.. What do I love about her? I will keep my answer brief and "unromantic" to spare anyones lunch from coming back up... I see a VERY caring, thoughtful, sharing person who has beautiful thoughts and dreams. I see a person that married a person that she knew out of High School, dated through college, started a life had a child and THEN the H wanted to go back to school for a career change. A person who worked very hard while H was in school. A person who then had more children, stayed at home, watched "other peoples" children, had only one car that H drove to work, would be stuck at home for weeks at a time. A person that had a H that worked very hard, AT WORK, and nothing else. A person that has only received ONE piece of jewelry from her H in all 18 years of M, her Wedding Ring. A person that was handed a "check" for her Anniversary present to "go and buy a lamp", received a set of steak knives for another Anniv. present.. A person who "decided 2 years before me" to "get HER life back", so she started to slowly get out with her friends, took a couple of trips with her friends the only trips she has taken with H besides Honeymoon, were Family Vacations, and even that didnt happen this past year - (HER CHOICE) and then one day, met ME.. So basically, she just kept going, while YES, lying, BUT, H didnt seem to care as someone wrote, and NOW, is saying "Wait a minute, whoa, I'm sorry, did I MISS SOMETHING??!? Let me try NOW.." I see a H that let life pass him by... HIS LIFE (not picking on H at all) So, while NOT justifying at all her actions, I at least can see the trend, the cause (or whatever the word is I'm looking for) NO, I didnt feel like a Knight in Shining Armor at all, I felt LOVE FOR HER. And I love what she shares with ME, I love what she dreams of and with ME. I love EVERYTHING about her.. What she did was wrong and I don't know how she can make it right, but staying in a M that obviously does NOT and has not brought you much Joy isnt the answer... (and yes I know that gifts and jewelry arent what it's all about...) BUT, when a Mother is given a hand crafted silver pendant depicting that mother and her children, IT IS THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS......
Ariadne Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 "Churn baby churn, Stampdaddy's waiting.. Churn baby churn..." (omg).....
Author stampdaddy Posted December 15, 2007 Author Posted December 15, 2007 (omg)..... it was a joke.....
LifesontheUp Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 Back in Novenber 2005, he tried, she said no, it had been around 8 months before then that they did last, so Feb or so 2005.. Almost 3 years... Either way, I feel as maybe I have "opened up" too much here.. We were at a point where I thought I was understood, and the relationship her and I share was understood enough that MAYBE, just maybe I would be seen, although a OM, and her a MW, that what we had HAS A CHANCE. That maybe she is home with her Family (Kids) and honoring H's and the Counselors request of TIME, and NC with me. She has made no promises, other than time and NC (but hasn't kept it), and NOW it is MY job to make sure she does, because I want an end to this thing one way or another. She has worries, as she should, hasnt worked in a long time, how can she support the children, what will he try to do? BUT, She doesnt wear her ring, they are not "trying", he still thinks she has a plan to leave and this thing isnt going anywhere fast.. The Holidays will be tough for all of us, but the absence from me will be trying and telling during these times... So, I have opened up too much and I'm sorry... Thanks for all of the kindness Thanks for the clarification on the time line. So am I right that she stopped having sex with her husband not long after she met you? So I still wonder if shes not trying, knows its not going to work, why is she bothering? What is it that makes her choose to stay with him? Its not the kids, as you seem to point out that you have done plenty for them in the background so she knows they wouldn't be a problem to you. So what is it?
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